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[a习作temp] Argument147 [浪迹北美]janet89757第一周作业1 [复制链接]

janet89757
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2006-12-27 23:17:27 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

题目："Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."
上次改了一篇相同题目的作文，想来练习一下，确实好难，写作时严重超时。郁闷。
字数：509
提纲：1）题目中的survey说明不详细，没有提及调查人群和调查范围，故其得出的结论不可靠，且所提及的10到25岁的人群为玩游戏的主要人群的说法没有根据。
      2）由于缺乏证据，故Whirlwind所设计的游戏未必可以真正吸引10到25岁的游戏人群，尤其是吸引为这些游戏付款的游戏人群的父母
      3）即使Whirlwind的游戏可以吸引潜在玩家，但其所说的在短短几个月的时间内就可以改变销售局面的说法也缺乏有力的证据，为此需要提供更多的关于Whirlwind的销售规模和其竞争对手的信息。
正文：
According to the editorial, the sales trend of Whirlwind video games will expand greatly in the next few month because of their extensive advertising campaign, which directed at 10 to 25 year-old people according to the result of a survey on video-game players. However, the argument neither provides any proven evidence to substantiate its survey's effectiveness nor infer nothing from the Whirlwind video games about their attractiveness to the oriented age-group, which render it unconvincing as it stands.
To begin with, the argument refers neither what kind of people nor in what area has the survey been carried out, which makes the premise that the general popularity of video game are lifelike graphics ones unconvincing and the main people to play games are 10-to-25-year-old people unsubstantiated. Without such evidence that this survey are carried out in the whole potential customers and of all age-groups, the result of a simple survey hardly suffices to infer such conclusion that players prefer games with that provide lifelike graphics. Neither can the argument convince me that 10-to-25 age-group are the main people to play video games. For that matter, the main customers may be the age-group younger or older than 10-to-25. If it is true, then the extensive advertising campaign specially oriented might be amount to particular poor campaign.
Even assuming that the most likely to play games people are the 10 to 25 age-group, who like the games with lifelike graphics, the author cannot convince me Whirlwind games will attract the directed age-group successfully. Lifelike graphics may be the main features to players, but other features such as the sound, the plot may be possibly influence the attractiveness of the games. Particularly, if the features are not attractive to the mature who pay for the games for their
sons or daughters the campaign would not be effective.
Finally, even if the Whirlwind's new video games will successfully attract the 10-to-25-year-old people, who play as the most potential player consistent to the result of the survey, the argument cannot prove the future success of increasing in sales dramatically in a very short time. Perhaps the whirlwind's game sales are very large and it's declined trend is hard to change in a very short time, or perhaps the Whirlwind's opponents provide the same kind of video games as Whirlwind. Without more information about what the number of Whirlwind's previous video games as well as the detailed information about Whirlwind's opponent one can hardly draw any conclusion about the sales trend. In short, based on the unsubstantiated assumption about the sales trend the argument can not even convince me that the Whirlwind video games will sale well let alone the sales are to be increase dramatically. In short, the argument relies on certain unsubstantiated assumptions, which make the conclusion unbelievable. To further substantiate the argument, the author should provide detailed data about the survey of video-game players and prescribed features of the Whirlwind's new video games. What's more, I need also to know the whirlwind's former sales achievement and the detailed information about it's opponents.

[ 本帖最后由 janet89757 于 2006-12-29 23:18 编辑 ]

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janet89757
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沙发

发表于 2006-12-28 23:08:12 |只看该作者

怎么都没人帮忙改一下呢？

作文贴上去好长时间了，希望各位能帮忙找些其中得问题，先谢一下了！！！

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janet89757
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板凳

发表于 2006-12-29 08:14:20 |只看该作者

帮忙帮忙

再自己顶一下

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wiregrass
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地板

发表于 2006-12-29 12:08:34 |只看该作者

占座，周末给你改

皇图霸业谈笑中，不胜人生一场醉。

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thether
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5楼

发表于 2006-12-29 13:02:32 |只看该作者

我不是你们组得
但是我看你的作文字体我眼花，头晕:eek:

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Greenspirit
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6楼

发表于 2006-12-30 17:04:04 |只看该作者

思路差不多阿不过你写得比我充实多了！也提一点意见，我觉得第一段开头不要重复原文比较好，还有几点语法
1，However, the argument neither provides any proven evidence to substantiate its survey's
effectiveness nor infer nothing(anything) from the Whirlwind video games about their
attractiveness to the oriented age-group, which render it unconvincing as it stands.
people该换个地方吧
2，Even assuming that the most likely to play games people are the 10 to 25 age-group,其中
还有你用了好多the author cannot convince me，觉得用us比较好

[ 本帖最后由 Greenspirit 于 2006-12-30 17:07 编辑 ]

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wiregrass
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7楼

发表于 2006-12-30 17:08:57 |只看该作者

According to the editorial, the sales trend of Whirlwind video games will expand greatly in the next few month because of their extensive advertising campaign, which directed at 10 to 25 year-old people according to the result of a survey on video-game players.（对原题意思的复述错了，result of the survey 是喜欢life-like graphics 的人是最多的，公司正好引进了几个这样的游戏，并做了宣传。对原意复述必须忠实，这点切记）However, the argument neither provides any proven evidence to substantiate its survey's effectiveness nor infer nothing from the Whirlwind video games about their attractiveness to the oriented age-group, which render it unconvincing as it stands.（对论证弱点的总结不是很切中要害） To begin with, the argument refers neither what kind of people nor in what area has the survey been carried out, which makes the premise that the general popularity of video game（games） are life-like graphics（非形容词） ones（that featured with life-like graphics） unconvincing and the main people(main people???) to(?) play games are 10-to-25-year-old people unsubstantiated. （可以这样改，the assertion that the age group of 10-25 years old most likely to play video-games is unsubstantiated）Without such evidence that this survey are(is) carried out in(???, is in proper) the whole potential customers and of all age-groups, the result of a simple survey hardly suffices to infer such conclusion that players prefer games with that provide life-like graphics. Neither can the argument convince me that 10-to-25 age-group are the main people(main people???) to play video games. For that matter, the main customers may be the age-group younger or older than 10-to-25. If it is true, then the extensive advertising campaign specially oriented might be amount to particular poor campaign. Even assuming that the most likely to play games people are the 10 to 25 age-group, who like the games with life-like graphics, the author cannot convince me Whirlwind games will attract the directed age-group successfully. Lifelike graphics may be the main features to players, but other features such as the sound, the plot may be possibly influence the attractiveness of the games. Particularly, if the features are not attractive to the mature (adults， parents is the suitable one) who pay for the games for their sons or daughters the campaign would not be effective.Finally, even if the Whirlwind's new video games will successfully attract the 10-to-25-year-old people, who play(?) as the most potential player(s) consistent to the result of the survey, the argument cannot prove the future success of increasing in sales dramatically in a very short time. Perhaps the whirlwind's game sales are very large and it's ( its) declined trend is hard to change in a very short time, or perhaps the Whirlwind's opponents provide the same kind of video games as Whirlwind. Without more information about what the number of Whirlwind's previous video games as well as the detailed information about Whirlwind's opponent one can hardly draw any conclusion about the sales trend. In short, based on the unsubstantiated assumption about the sales trend the argument can not even convince me that the Whirlwind video games will sale well let alone the sales are to be increase dramatically.(这一段写得不错）
In short, the argument relies on certain unsubstantiated assumptions, which make the conclusion unbelievable. To further substantiate the argument, the author should provide detailed data about the survey of video-game players and prescribed features of the Whirlwind's new video games. What's more, I need also to know the whirlwind's former sales achievement and the detailed information about it's (its) opponents.

[ 本帖最后由 wiregrass 于 2006-12-30 17:13 编辑 ]

皇图霸业谈笑中，不胜人生一场醉。

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wiregrass
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8楼

发表于 2006-12-30 17:18:20 |只看该作者

对survey的攻击深度不够，即life-like graphics 并不会意味着公司引进的games具有畅销games的特点
有一个点没攻击到，up-to-date computers
对原题的复述一定要忠实，这点一定要做到

皇图霸业谈笑中，不胜人生一场醉。

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wiregrass
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9楼

发表于 2006-12-30 19:31:45 |只看该作者

关于调查
首先，由于没有提供调查德背景资料，你可以认为由于背景资料不足而怀疑结果不可靠
这点确实是一个值得攻击的地方，但如果你去看argu的题库，你就会发现非常多题目有没点清背景的调查，我觉得如果一味的攻击调查的背景的话，会落入俗套，所以只是一掠而过，并不作进一步的纠缠
如果逻辑清楚地话，下一步应该是姑且承认调查方法是可靠的，假设结果没问题，但是仍然不可以说明问题

我个人的一点意见是如果完全没有点明调查方法的话，简单地提一下做调查的方法值得怀疑，然后做一个让步，转入对结果是否能说明问题的攻击
如果给出了调查方法，并且这种方法有明显的错误，那么再把它作为一个主要的攻击点

皇图霸业谈笑中，不胜人生一场醉。

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janet89757
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10楼

发表于 2006-12-31 10:43:03 |只看该作者

谢谢大家对我提出的指正，讲的都很深刻，而且greenspirit的不要复述原文的建议和wiregrass的不要攻击背景资料的建议都提得非常有用，真的非常感谢。:handshake

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wiregrass
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11楼

发表于 2006-12-31 20:27:46 |只看该作者

其实并非说不要攻击背景资料，而是可以略略带过
攻击可靠的调查结果并不能说明原作者说要证明的论断会更有针对性些而已

皇图霸业谈笑中，不胜人生一场醉。

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wiregrass
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12楼

发表于 2006-12-31 20:36:51 |只看该作者

关于复述原文，大牛们的建议是要在第一段理清思路，即用自己的话说明一下原文中的结论及提供的证据，但不要重复原文。
不要重复原文，这也是greenspirite的建议，但并不意味着不复述，只不过要用自己的话概括

关于调查背景，如果原文有足够你攻击的论证缺陷，那就算了，掠过
如果可攻击的缺陷不多，在这种情况下再攻击吧

皇图霸业谈笑中，不胜人生一场醉。

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nkmatch
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13楼

发表于 2007-2-9 00:02:39 |只看该作者

觉得第一个反驳点和第二个有些相似~

关于年龄范围，那个比10小，比25大的考虑~~~不是很好吧~~

申请麻省和纽约地区。
08fall
qq：94147669

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弱水路三千
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14楼

发表于 2007-7-22 22:49:51 |只看该作者

我觉得Without more information about what the number of Whirlwind's previous video games as well as the detailed information about Whirlwind's opponent one can hardly draw any conclusion about the sales trend.
In short, based on the unsubstantiated assumption about the sales trend the argument can not even convince me that the Whirlwind video games will sale well let alone the sales are to be increase dramatically
这2段写的特别好，前面写的一般拉，可以得4分还是5分啊

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