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lhx1986
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2007-7-23 16:28:11 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

同样没有限时</font></font><br />

TOPIC: ARGUMENT147 - The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine

Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."
WORDS: 430 TIME: 00:49:37 DATE: 2007-7-23 16:13:03

In the argument, the arguer concludes that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months. To lend strong support to this claim, the arguer cites the result of a survey, which regards that the sales trend of video game is about to be reversed. Further more, the arguer provides the evidence that Whirlwind introduced these games with an extensive advertising campaign. A careful examination, however, may reveal how groundless the conclusion is

First of all, the survey lacks credibility, which does not provide adequate enough evidence to persuade me. A representative and complete survey should contain the size and feature of the sample, the procedure and other details. But the arguer does not offer me these important things, so I would doubt it. What kind of people the respondents are? If they are the ones who only like the lifelike graphics, the result may be unconvincing. How large is the sample? If the amount is too small, I would suspend my suspicion. Additionally, the result that the sales trend of video game is about to be reversed is gratuitous more, because the arguer provides no evidence about it.

Second, the arguer commits a fallacy of hasty generalization. Even if the results of the survey is credible, which, of course, is unwarranted, it could not follow that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months, with the evidence that Whirlwind advertised for them. The sales depend on lots of factor not only advertising. People generally concern about the price, the credibility of the game firm, and the games that the firm have introduced before. There is no evidence about these things to convince me that there would be plenty of customers to buy their games. And the arguer mentions in the analysis that Whirlwind's games require the most up-to-date computers. The arguer fails to provide me the condition of player's computers so that if the player's computer is not the most up-to-date ones, the amount of customs may be too small to increase the sales. Moreover, the arguer does not provide warranted evidence to assure that the advertisement is appealing to those people so that they would want to buy it.

To sum up, the arguer fails to establish a causal relationship between advertising and increasing of sales’. To solidify this claim, the arguer would have to provide convincing evidence concerning the reasons of sales' increasing. Additionally, the arguer would have to make the survey warranted by telling the details about its procedure and sample.

[ 本帖最后由 lhx1986 于 2007-7-23 19:39 编辑 ]

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wangygd
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沙发

发表于 2007-7-23 17:14:02 |只看该作者

回复 #1 lhx1986 的帖子

In the argument, the arguer concludes that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months. To lend strong support to this claim,（是不是要改一致） the arguer cites the result of a survey, which regards that the sales trend of video game is about to be reversed. Further more, the arguer provides the evidence that Whirlwind introduced these games with an extensive advertising campaign. A careful examination, however, may reveal how groundless the conclusion is.

First of all, the survey lacks credibility, which does not provide adequate enough evidence to persuade me. A representative and complete survey should contain the size and feature of the sample, the procedure and other details. (调查包含抽样的大小…？说明抽样的过程吧) But the arguer does not offer me these important things, so I would doubt it. What kind of people（不大妥当）the respondents are? If they are the ones who only like the lifelike graphics, the result may be unconvincing. How large is the sample? If the amount is too small, I would suspend my suspicion. Additionally, the result that the sales trend of video game is about to be reversed is gratuitous more, because the arguer provides no evidence about it.（最好能展开说一下）

Second, the arguer commits a fallacy of hasty generalization. Even if the results of the survey is credible, which, of course, is unwarranted, it could not follow that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months, with the evidence that Whirlwind advertised for them.（可以这样写么） The sales depend on lots of factor not only advertising. People generally concern about the price, the credibility of the game firm, and the games that the firm have introduced before. There is no evidence about these things to convince me that there would be plenty of customers to buy their games. And the arguer mentions in the analysis that Whirlwind's games require the most up-to-date computers. The arguer fails to provide me the condition of player's computers so that if the player's computer is not the most up-to-date ones, the amount of customs may be too small to increase the sales. Moreover, the arguer does not provide warranted evidence to assure that the advertisement is appealing to those people so that they would want to buy it.

To sum up, the arguer fails to establish a causal relationship between advertising and increasing of sales’. To solidify this claim, the arguer would have to provide convincing evidence concerning the reasons of sales' increasing. Additionally, the arguer would have to make the survey warranted by telling the details about its procedure and sample.
第一次改作文不妥之处望见谅

[ 本帖最后由 wangygd 于 2007-7-23 17:15 编辑 ]

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lhx1986
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板凳

发表于 2007-7-23 18:14:59 |只看该作者

回复 #2 wangygd 的帖子

To lend strong support to this claim,（是不是要改一致）
不用换词用吗?显得词汇不匮乏...
the size and feature of the sample, the procedure and other details. (调查包含抽样的大小…？说明抽样的过程吧)
调查，即抽样调查，样本也很重要的，老孙说的。
What kind of people（不大妥当）the respondents are?
改成,are the respondents reprensentative?可能要好些。
Additionally, the result that the sales trend of video game is about to be reversed is gratuitous more, because the arguer provides no evidence about it.（最好能展开说一下）
我觉得自述差不多，而且都是一样的问题，就没展开，不知道，会不会欠妥，或者直接不提这个。？？？
which, of course, is unwarranted, it could not follow that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months, with the evidence that Whirlwind advertised for them.（可以这样写么）
我看到老孙一个范文里面这样写得...

谢谢谢谢，回拍ING！

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dinky
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地板

发表于 2007-7-23 20:18:52 |只看该作者

Argument147[无名]第一次作业

同样没有限时

TOPIC: ARGUMENT147 - The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.

"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."
WORDS: 430 TIME: 00:49:37 DATE: 2007-7-23 16:13:03

In the argument, the arguer concludes that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months. To lend strong support to this claim, the arguer cites the result of a survey, which regards that the sales trend of video game is about to be reversed. Further more, the arguer provides the evidence that Whirlwind introduced these games with an extensive advertising campaign. A careful examination, however, may reveal how groundless the conclusion is.

First of all, the survey lacks credibility, which does not provide adequate enough(adequate 和enough 用一个就可以） evidence to persuade me. A representative and complete survey should contain the size and feature randomness好点吧of the sample, the procedure and other details. But the arguer does not offer me these important things, so I would doubt it. What kind of people the respondents are? If they are the ones who only like the lifelike graphics, the result may be unconvincing. How large is the sample? If the amount is too small, I would suspend my suspicion. Additionally, the result that the sales trend of video game is about to be reversed is gratuitous more, because the arguer provides no evidence about it.

Second, the arguer commits a fallacy of hasty generalization. Even if the results of the survey is credible, which, of course, is unwarranted, it could not follow that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months, with the evidence that Whirlwind advertised for them. The sales depend on lots of factor factors not only advertising. People generally concern about the price, the credibility of the game firm, and the games that the firm have introduced before. 最后这个理由好像不是很直接，有必要再说一句There is no evidence about these things to convince me that there would be plenty of customers to buy their games. And the arguer mentions in the analysis that Whirlwind's games require the most up-to-date computers. The arguer fails to provide me the condition of player's computers so that if the player's computer is not the most up-to-date ones, the amount of customs customers may be too small to increase the sales. Moreover, the arguer does not provide warranted evidence to assure that the advertisement is appealing to those people so that they would want to buy it.
建议这段拆成两段，会使结构更清晰
To sum up, the arguer fails to establish a causal relationship between advertising and increasing of sales’？sales'没明白. To solidify this claim, the arguer would have to provide convincing evidence concerning the reasons of sales' increasing. Additionally, the arguer would have to make the survey warranted by telling the details about its procedure and sample.

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lhx1986
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5楼

发表于 2007-7-23 20:27:44 |只看该作者

adequate 和enough 用一个就可以）
the size and feature randomness好点吧
对！

最后这个理由好像不是很直接，有必要再说一句
the advertisement would not be the only things to influence the sales.

sales' 那个貌似名词所有格，在word里面，说有语法错误，我加个撇就没有了。。。。

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