[a习作temp] argument26 [0710G突击先锋小组]第5次作业_wddzy_0726 [复制链接]

wddzy
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2007-7-26 21:34:07 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

TOPIC: ARGUMENT26 - The following appeared in a memo from the chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda.

"For the past five years, Mr. Charles Schade has been the music director at Steel City High School, and during that time the school band from Steel City High has won three regional band competitions. In addition, the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City High has improved markedly over the past five years. Because of such successes at Steel City High, the Saluda school board should hire Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system."
WORDS: 398       TIME: 00:41:28       DATE: 2007-7-26 下午 04:08:01

提纲：1. 乐队获奖是否是因为音乐指导工作
   2. 即使是音乐指导工作起到了很大的作用，但这个工作是Charles做的么
   3. 即使承认Charles功不可没，但这只能说明他适合指导乐队，并不能说明他胜任这个学校的音乐教育。

In the statement the author suggests that the Saluda school board should hire Mr. Schade to plan an direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system because of the school band's successes in the past five years. However, there are some flaws in his reasons which fail to convince me.

First of all, we have no idea that whether successes of winning three regional band competitions in the past five years is directly related to the work of music director. As we all know, there are many reasons contributing to the success, such as insisting practice, high level training and freely communicating with other bands. Without evading other possibilities, it is hard for us to believe that the success is only due to the work of director.

Even if the work of director weights a lot in the processing of success, we do not know whether it is taken by Mr. Schade. The author fails to provide any specific work done by Charles in the past five years, and unwisely takes it for granted that all the work causing successes is complicated by Charles just because his position is the music director. It is possible that all the training and arranging work is executed by his assistant. In this case, the praise should be given to his assistant but not Mr. Schade.

Last but not least, even if we admit that Mr. Schade really made an important contribution to the successes of the school band, it is also wrong for the author suggest Charles to charge for the entire Saluda school system. There are a lot of differences between the work of being the direct of a school music band and the general music education programs for the entire school system and work done by Charles only shows that he is good at directing a school music band but nothing more. Without showing that Mr. Schade also has the abilities, like planning, managing and negotiating, needed by the job as director of general of music education, the suggestion will have litter possibilities to be approved.

In conclusion, the reasons provided by the author have flaws to suggest hiring Mr. Schade as charger for the general music education for the entire school. In order to make it more convincing, the author should show more information to prove that Mr. Schade are proper for that position.

Practice makes perfect
^_^

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dodog
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沙发

发表于 2007-7-27 14:39:23 |只看该作者

In the statement the author suggests that the Saluda school board should hire Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system because of the school band's[我觉得这里应该说明是这个人曾经任职的那个学校] successes in the past five years. However, there are some flaws in his reasons which fail to convince me.

First of all, we have no idea that whether successes of winning three regional band competitions in the past five years is directly related to the work of music director[虽然知道是指Schade的工作，但总觉得这里指代不清，而且说法也不是很好，换成 achievement会不会好些]. As we all know, there are many reasons contributing to the success, such as insisting practice, high level training and freely communicating with other bands.[这里的展开不错] Without evading other possibilities, it is hard for us to believe that the success is only due to the work of director.

Even if the work of director weights a lot in the processing of success, we do not know whether it is taken by Mr. Schade. The author fails to provide any specific work done by Charles in the past five years, and unwisely takes it for granted that all the work causing successes is complicated by Charles just because his position is the music director. It is possible that all the training and arranging work is executed by his assistant. In this case, the praise should be given to his assistant but not Mr. Schade.

Last but not least, even if we admit that Mr. Schade really made an important contribution to the successes of the school band, it is also wrong for the author to suggest Charles to charge for the entire Saluda school system. There are a lot of differences between the work of being the director of a school music band and the general music education programs for the entire school system. In addition, work done by Charles only shows that he is good at directing a school music band but nothing more. Without showing that Mr. Schade also has the abilities, like planning, managing and negotiating, needed by the job as director of general of music education, the suggestion will have little possibilities to be approved.[在论述这一点的时候，我把标出来的那一句话分成两句话，这样似乎比较顺一些，不然，楼主用了两个and，有点让人觉得混淆。但，我还是觉得楼主在表述这一点的时候，有点罗嗦。我还找了一点，就是可以对比两个学校之间的不同]

In conclusion, the reasons provided by the author have flaws to suggest hiring Mr. Schade as charger for the general music education of the entire school. In order to make it more convincing, the author should show more information to prove that Mr. Schade is proper for that position.

[文章的第一点和第三点都找得不错，但我总觉得得第二点似乎不是很能说服人，至少不是很重要的点，因为既然在那个位子，我觉得从作者的角度来说，就暗含了他已经做出一些工作的意思，我还找了一点，是对这个建议本身的质疑：有可能S这个学校本身就不需要人来担任这个职位，或者有其他更好的候选人等等，嘿嘿，欢迎交流]

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