[习作点评] issue 51&argument 147 jack评crab [复制链接]

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电梯直达

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发表于 2007-8-12 13:35:54 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

ISSUE51 - "Education will be truly effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student."

Referring to the education, the speaker proposes that the education should be designed for individual specifically so that it is truly effective. It is true that interests and individual needs play a vital role in the education, but after close scrutiny the purpose of the education we will find it is adverse rather than effective as the speaker claims. It is true that …  but 此让步的结构是不是强调的是前面的部分啊？

Admittedly, specifically designed education is sometimes essential for the students. For instance, an athlete may need a specifically designed education (practice是教育的一种) . The coach should design a plan that suit him/her even only suit him/her. Such design ensures that the needs of the athlete will be satiated and make (made?) up the weakness of the athlete as well as strengthen the advantage he/she possesses. Only through similar methods, the athlete’s success has the fertile soil. Nearly all countries are doing so. Also if a student cultivates some beneficial interests rarely involved in the ordinary education such as magic, his/her interest needs to be attached importance. The educator might design some schemes to meet his/her interest and he/she will do really well since he/she has the interest.

Though the specifically designed education inclines to meet the students' needs and inspire the enthusiasm to study, the students' needs and interests are not always rational and necessary to be satiated. If we study the education carefully, we will find that the purpose of education reflects in two aspects, academy and morality. The interests and the needs of the students against the purpose of education should not be guaranteed.

First, the purpose of the education is to cultivate new generations of talents who can function well in the society, which base primary on the skills they driving from education. So the education should responsible for the master of skills of the students. As the students are not mature enough to make rational choices, sometimes they will choose not to learn something important just for their lazy. The needs and interests only serve as a pretext. As a result, the education force them to learn something might against their "needs"  and  "interests" in order to consummate their knowledge structure and provide sufficient knowledge, which will play a role has( 语法好像有错) no substitute in their further pursuit of success. The skills are not limited to the academy, the communication skills are also the substratum for functioning well in society. The education has to force all the students to cultivate such skills, not matter the students are shy and dissocial or not(有点问题)  and whether they are willing to do so. The special designs of education for the needs and interests against the purpose of education are far from effective, and actually deleterious.

Secondly, the purpose of the education is to give a fulcrum of the lever of the soul and help them attain sublime by posing certain rules and value to constitute their moral base line and regulate the behavior of the students as well as inspire their own pursuit of exalted morality. Function as a source of importing the intellectuals into the society, the education has the responsibility to keep the society stable. The value and the morality the society advocates should be conveyed to the students so that every one will construct a judgment between the "right" and "wrong" consisting with the society.  If the students' needs and interests are capricious, should education be designed to cater them? No,  of course. Such way to educate students is far from effective, and it is actually harmful to them and to society as well.

All in all, whether education should be revised to cater for the students' needs and interests needs a case-by-case discussion. Any absolute answers are arbitrary and self-righteous.

文章较好，但是如果你是在一个小时以内写的话！真的不错！看你写了600多字和你的时间比较怎么样啊？注意the的使用就行啦！好文章！

TOPIC: ARGUMENT147 - The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.

"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."
WORDS: 524

In this argument, the author predicts that the trend of the sales of Whirlwind video games will be reversed. To justify the prediction, the author cites a recent survey which shows that video-game players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics and the fact that Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed people 10 to 25 years old. This argument seems reasonable at first glance, but close scrutiny will reveal how groundless it is.

First, the author's prediction relies on the assumption that the survey is statistically reliable. However, the author fails to provide such information that the sample size of the survey, whether the people attended are representative for the general or the authority of the institution that carried out the survey to show the reliability of the survey. Without such evidence, it is hard to persuade me that the prediction is sound.

Even if the survey is statistically reliable, the author's prediction is also unwarranted. The author's prediction is depending on the assumption that the players who favor the lifelike graphics will intend to buy it. Perhaps the lifelike graphics is not the main reason for players to choose a game and the exciting plot, and the interaction of the players will be more important for them. Or perhaps the lifelike graphics require more advanced computer as the author mentioned in the argument, it is impossible for the player's computer to run the game. And changing a computer just for a game is reasonless, so it is more likely for them to abandon the game. Either scenario, if true, will cast considerable doubt on the author's prediction.

Even if the players favor the lifelike graphics and will buy it, the author unfairly claims that people 10 to 25 years old are the main consumers of the game. There is no evidence to substantiate the assumption that the people 10 to 25 years old are the most consumers of the games even they are most likely to play video games. It is possible that the people 10 to 25 who like play video games download the games or borrow the games from their friends and relatives. Considering their economic condition, it is quite possible that they can not afford the fee to buy a video game they like. The author fails to pay enough attention to the possibilities above, the author's prediction is unconvincing.

Even if all the assumptions above are true, the author does not take the competition into consideration. May be some other companies also introduced some games more attractive. Without ruling out this possibility, the author can not convince me that this tendence( tendency)  will be reversed.

In sum, the author’s prediction relies on a series of dubious assumptions and it is therefore unconvincing as it stands. To bolster this argument, the author should provide evidence to show the credit of the survey. Also, the auts(?)  and they can afford and they are willing to buy it. To better hor(?) should support the assumption that the people 10 to 25 years old are the main consumer assessed(?) the argument, it is helpful if the author provide some information about the condition of the market.

写得很好！

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crabxie19861218
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沙发

发表于 2007-8-12 13:51:52 |只看该作者

第一篇 1个小时写的  改了不少时间
第二篇 30min  也是修改过的
第一段的让步是强调后面的  有but转折了
第二段 make是与前面结构并列的
其他地方说的都很对确实是有错误的谢谢
还有你第二段  practice是一种教育是什么意思？  是指我要交代训练运动员也是一种教育吗？我没看懂

我前面在wl的帖子上也发了就是该文章大家不要只是改语法错误多从结构和逻辑上改毕竟GRE是考逻辑的
被修改者无论什么意见要有个反馈直接发到网上这样第三个人也能看到便于大家交流这也是对修改者劳动的尊重
希望大家多交流共同进步~

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chenxuegang
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板凳

发表于 2007-8-12 14:16:52 |只看该作者

行，多改结构和逻辑错误！
谢谢！你们多多指导！

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crabxie19861218
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地板

发表于 2007-8-12 14:39:22 |只看该作者

晕你还是没告诉我第二段的那句评语的意思。。。

就是这句 Admittedly, specifically designed education is sometimes essential for the students. For instance, an athlete may need a specifically designed education (practice是教育的一种) .

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