[i习作temp] ISSUE88 前两篇都没回,是不是写的太糟了? [复制链接]

treblee
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电梯直达

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发表于 2007-8-22 12:57:03 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

ISSUE88 - "Technologies not only influence but actually determine social customs and ethics."

The speaker alleges that technologies not only influence but also determine social customs and ethics. It sounds apparently right. However, I find this allegation to be specious. Admittedly, with the development of technology, people's life has change a lot. Not only we now contacting more and more productions of new technology which benefit to our comfortable and convenience life, but some of present social customs and ethics are different from those days when we were not in such civilization. Can we conclude from that tech is determine social customs and ethics? I am afraid I cannot agree with it.

To begin with, the fruit of technologic progress human beings have created has a great impact on its masters. Thanks to the development, people don't have to do the things which were considered necessary. For example, benefiting from telephone, we don't have to communicate with each other face to face. By go shopping on the Internet, there is no need for people to choose and buy products in shopping plaza for a long time, which is a tiresome job to many male customers. Through sending SMS, we get in touch with with our parents or friends as long as they also own cell phone, much more easily and instantly than post them letters. In short, technology serves people conveniently, and influences our social customs gradually.

However, if we just make a conclusion from these examples that our customs are decided by technic, we ignored that how customs are still impacting us. As we all know, social customs and ethics are shaped long time ago. Why do these behaviors pass along from generation to generation? Just because we need these nice manners accepted and followed by the mass to regulate our deeds. Still, take the examples I have mentioned, communicating with others face to face shows our respect to them, but through telephone we cannot make it. Buying commodities from Internet, we never feel pleasure generated from bargain with seller over the price. Although sending SMS is more convenience than writing letters, our parents and friends will much delighter if they receive our mails since the words are written by us and they feel our presence from them.

In addition, ethics would not give in following technology. We cannot accept the fact that we change our mind of ethics to adapt technology. Cloning human beings, people now hold the technic to do it; we never put it into action, though.

In sum, we may change our manners owning to progress of technology, but our social customs and ethics will not change ever.

1个小时才写完，430多字。请大家提提意见吧，谢谢你们！

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wizjo
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沙发

发表于 2007-8-22 14:42:14 |只看该作者

Re 标题：:)，可能大家都忙着其他事去了～

我觉得你的字数写的不够多，主要是因为你没有完全展开论述。你的thesis在第一段就提出了，body部分才两段，论述不完整。
另外就是语言的问题了：很多长句子写的并不完整。这样让人读的也挺费劲。我的修改：

ISSUE88 - "Technologies not only influence but actually determine social customs and ethics."

The speaker allegesthat technologies not only influence but also determine social customsand ethics. It sounds apparently right. (既然它显然正确那你还怎么反驳？所以千万别说这种sound bites。可以说：It may seem appealing at first sight, however, I find this ...)However, I find this allegationto be specious. Admittedly, with the development of technology,people's life has change a lot. Not only are we now contacting more andmore productions (建议别用这种说法，cumulating new productions of) of new technology which benefit to (contribute to) our comfortable (comfort) andconvenience in life, but (/) some of present social customs and ethics aredifferent from those days when we were not in such civilization. Can weconclude from (/) that technology is determining social customs and ethics? I amafraid I cannot agree with it. (I am afraid not.)

To begin with, thefruit of technologic progress human beings have created has a greatimpact on its masters (the fruit of techonogical progress of human beings has a great impact on its creators). Thanks to the development, people don't have todo the (/) things which were considered necessary (inevitable). For example, benefitingfrom telephone, we don't have to communicate with each other face toface. By go shopping on the Internet, there is no need for people tochoose and buy products in shopping plaza for a long time (spending long time shopping out in stores or driving to stores), which is atiresome job to many male customers. Through sending SMS, we get intouch with with our parents or friends as long as they also own cellphones, much more easily and instantly (应该用adj. ，因为谈论的是这种“方式”：easier and more convenient) than post (writing) them letters (or: much easier and more convenient than via ). In short,technology serves people conveniently, and influences our socialcustoms gradually.

However, if we justmake a conclusion from these examples that our customs are decided bytechnic (technology，technique指技艺), we ignored (would ignore) that how customs are still impacting us. （说这句话是什么意思呢？读到这里我觉得你应该论述：尽管科技在诸多方面影响着我的customs，但它并不是custom的决定因素；怎么说开custom对人的影响了？这段论述完，你也只是让读者接受了这样一个事实：我们的那些old custom比起这些新的来还是很有优势的。但这个对你的thesis又有何贡献呢？）As we allknow, social customs and ethics are shaped long time ago. Why do thesebehaviors pass along from generation to generation? Just because weneed these nice manners accepted and followed by the mass to regulateour deeds. Still, take the examples I have mentioned, communicatingwith others face to face shows our respect to them, but throughtelephone we cannot make it. Buying commodities from Internet, we neverfeel pleasure generated from bargain with seller over the price.Although sending SMS is more convenient than writing letters, ourparents and friends will much delighter (more delightful) if they receive our mails sincethe words are written by us and they feel our presence from them (our own written words signify our presence with the letter).

In addition, ethicswould not give in following (simply follow) technology. We cannot accept the fact thatwe change our mind of (/) ethics to adapt to technology. Cloning human beings,people now hold (have mastered) the technic to do it; we never put it into action,though.

In sum, we may change our manners owning to progress of technology, but our social customs and ethics will not change ever.

P.S. 附件是很多人（作文牛人、大学教授）推荐的写作文法宝典——The Elements of Style，甚至他们建议把文章打印出来摆在浴室里，这样泡澡或是xx的时候翻一翻再惬意不过了:)。我觉得你看过一遍就基本可以扫清语法上的错误了，时间紧的话快速过一遍就好。很久以前在寄托下的，估计现在不好找了。

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