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[题库与范文] 对pooh的已判分issue的简要研究报告 [复制链接]

imong
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2004-2-23 23:47:44 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

把判据列在前面。

Score: 5
Explanation of Score:
A 5 paper presents a generally thoughtful, well-developed analysis of the complexities of the issue and conveys meaning clearly.

A typical paper in this category

-- presents a well-considered position on the issue
-- develops the position with logically sound reasons and/or well-chosen examples
-- is focused and generally well organized, connecting ideas appropriately
-- expresses ideas clearly and well, using appropriate vocabulary and sentence variety
-- demonstrates facility with the conventions of standard written English but may have minor errors

然后我们看看文章：

Topic:
"It is important for higher education to challenge established traditions and values."

Present your perspective on the issue below, using relevant reasons and/or examples to support your views.
Your Answer:

Nowadays students of universities or colleges are inspired to have critical thinking to any knowledge they received . At the same time, seminars are held to question established tradtions and values. I agree with the speaker that this it is crucial for higher edcation not only to teach students some facts and laws but encourage them to challegne entranched ideas and customs, since it is necessary to question the values and it is possible for higher education to afford the responsibility. 这个是主论点。pooh的主论点对题目做出了很好的正面response. 再加上后面的分析，的确满足判据的前两条。看下文：

To begin with, any established traditions and values still need proving and examing. Traditions and customs passed by generations may be accustomed to our ancestors but have already cannot be suitable to contemporary soceities. For instance, our ancestors may believe in some magic in curing diseases, and some of them even believe that they could recover without having any formal treatment . Children born in such a family that they all have such an opinion could also deny modern medical care. Undoubtely, from today's view, modern medicine is scientific in curing diseases, so , the tradition is harmful for the children. When it comes to our values, it is the same. When we are young, most of our values are installed by others subconsciously, so that we all accept them no matter they are right or wrong. 刨去这个段落里面不少的错别字，整体的论证和组织：首先提出TS，然后立即下一个句子就对TS进行了具体的说明，紧接着就是For instance，在论证方面是够格的。

After having analyzed the necessity of challenging entranched traditions and values, I will go on with the point that why it is in higher education that should this challenge take place. It is in college that our minds are becoming mature and our ability of critical thinking gets developed to the extent that enables us the analyze any ideas or theories. Therefore, higher education should have afforded the responsibility to educate our younger people to have a critical thinking towards traditions and values. Consider, a little boy born in a Christine family, whose members are all Christine and observe all the rules of Christine. Most likely that the boy will grow up as a Christine and believe in that human is a creation of God, because every idea is instilled by his family and his own analytical thinking is still unawakened. However, after he has been taught Darwinism and natural selection theory, and encourage by the teacher to think carefully about some questions and read more books recommended by the teacher in university or college, his old value system may shackled. That 's why some children break away from Christine when they have grown up and received higher education. Thus, universities and colleges are the best place to encourage students to challenge established traditions and values. TS的连接就很紧凑，例子也举的不错，另外值得一提的是transitional words and phrases的使用优化了在段内的连接。当然，仍然要去掉大量的拼写文法错误。

到这里可以看出来，文章的论证组织是符合给出判据的前三条的。

Moreover, should only the students are equipped with critical thinking and question ideas? Teachers, professors an scholars in universities or colleges should also afford such responsiblity. Becasue those group of people are experts in particular areas and may have already made research into such traditions and values, so that their opinions should be authoritative and more challenging to old values. 这一段提出了TS并进行了support，但是没有development.

Additionally, to challege established values and traditions does not mean to disdain their and throw away all of them. The important of such challenge lies that it encourage students or any scholars to question the ideas in order to understand it . If the idea is wrong, more scientific ones will propounded to substitute it; otherwise, people could received it with strengthened belief.最后一句话被判为Garbled sentence. 但是TS仍然是和前面呼应组织的很好。本段的支持基本没有，更不用说展开。这叫做“提出了一个有意义的论点但是却没有继续说明”。（其实是failed to illuminate，我想pooh肯定想展开这部分，可能是时间不够了吧）

On balance, I contend that higher education should play ther role of challenge established traditions and values , because such values or traditions may have rooted in people's mind, but that doesn't mean they are totally right or they are still helpful in our age. Moreover, it is suitable for higher education to afford the responsibility to challenge such ideas , since students are equipped with such ability and knowledge. Of course, to question doesn't mean to overturn everything and replace with totally new, it is also to way to think carefully and understand them. 结尾总结

还是回到判据。我认为文章被判为5分的关键在于：Thesis的分析清晰并且把握住了题目与文章整体，TS的陈述很好的切合和发展了Thesis，而前面两个body的论证结构基本上发挥了水平。判据的前三点应该说都还算是基本上可以满足的。

判据的第四点关于sentence variety和vocabulary的话我没有仔细统计，不过文章看下来之后这方面基本上没有感觉到什么问题。pooh的文章最严重的问题可能是泛滥的拼写错误以及部分文法错误。这一点似乎与5分的判断结果相矛盾。我对这一点的分析如下：

1.虽然有大量的拼写错误，但是最为关键的idea expression的部分基本上没有受到影响，因而减轻了总体的负面影响。
2.文章中例如表达transition和句间逻辑连接的一些关键词汇基本上都拼写正确（除了一个because）
3.以上两点的加和可以体现：把文章中所有拼写错误的词汇扣去（就当作不存在），如果对原文的理解（尤其是骨架的理解）基本不构成影响的话，这种情况下拼写错误的负面效应小于拼错关键词时的情况。

但是我个人认为，如果找第二个rater判分，不能保证这篇文章仍然得到5分。我认为文章的得分应该是4.5到5分。

目前看来比较有启示的结论就是Thesis和TS的陈述一定要清晰（不拘泥于某种固定句式，关键是把意思说清楚），而整体的骨架要做好。这是相当重要的&容易首先注意到的。

大家可以自行比较一下昨天我和genie整理的文章中4分和5分的文章，同时也看一下这篇文章，着重注意的是整体骨架与body的展开，可以自己做一做判断。

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雪夭
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沙发

发表于 2004-2-23 23:58:21 |只看该作者

面对自己更烂的打字水平，我终于放心一点了，看来内容结构还是重点

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imong
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板凳

发表于 2004-2-24 00:05:57 |只看该作者

提醒楼上的不要掉以轻心
分数被某个判据给卡下去的情况并不少见（参见ETS范文的commentary）
我觉得这次算是pooh的运气好，前四条基本上都过关，最后一条虽然满篇拼写错误但是也不足以给卡下去（毕竟是holistic判分）
如果前面来个三长两短外加拼得一塌糊涂
后果可想而知

拼写和文法错误6分文章也有
但是这不等于可以放任自流

我还是那个意见
每次都自己用word2000查一遍
绝对有好处

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雪夭
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地板

发表于 2004-2-24 00:09:04 |只看该作者

收到了，一定留时间检查

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5楼

发表于 2004-2-24 01:15:47 |只看该作者

恩研究中~~~~~~~~~~

True love never runs smooth.

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galaxysong
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6楼

发表于 2004-2-24 08:22:50 |只看该作者

同上，研究中……

http://vocard.cn是我个人开发的在线背单词公益网站。
随时掌控和安排你的学习进度，科学、高效、有弹性！

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7楼

发表于 2004-2-24 09:24:49 |只看该作者

还有两天考了，看了大添信心啊

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pooh
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8楼

发表于 2004-2-24 09:25:06 |只看该作者

我当时写了第三个body之后才想到第四个body的内容，其实去掉3，着重写4比较好，可惜没时间了，也没有展开分析。

我发现我的thesis每次初次写都写不好，因为下面的body有的时候写得跟我一开始打算的不一样，所以这次是写完结尾段之后，返回来补充的thesis，亏了还有时间，否则thesis就模糊了。

错字很多，我在努力提高，现在比以前少了。

imongh辛苦了

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