[a习作temp] Argument216【0906G背水一战三月小组】第3次作业 by gy2006211 [复制链接]

gy2006211
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电梯直达

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发表于 2009-3-4 15:12:54 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

Arguement216The following appeared in a magazine article about planning for retirement.
"Because of its spectacular natural beauty and consistent climate, Clearview should be a top choice for anyone seeking a place to retire. As a bonus, housing costs in Clearview have fallen significantly during the past year, and real estate taxes remain lower than those in neighboring towns. Nevertheless, Clearview's mayor promises many new programs to improve schools, streets, and public services. Retirees in Clearview can also expect excellent health care as they grow older, since the number of physicians in the area is far greater than the national average."

提纲：
1房价下降不能说明生活开销下降，房产税和周边城市比第不能说明在全国范围内低且没说明其他税收
2承诺不一定能实现且修缮学校没意义
3医生数量不能说明问题

The author claims that retired people should live in Clearview because of its good condition for old people. To support his viewpoint he cites that during the past year housing costs in Clearview has markedly decreased while the real taxes are still lower than those on nearby towns. And Clearview's mayor promises to provide some new programs such as improving schools, streets, and public services. Finally the author cites the evidence that number of physicians in Clearview is above the national average.

To begin with, the decrease of the housing costs in Clearview does not necessary indicate the price of housing is lower compared with other place in the nation. It is possible that even after fell significantly during the past year, the housing costs are still high above the average. Also the lower real estate taxes compared with neighboring towns can not indicate that the real estate taxes of Clearview are bellowing the average. And real estate taxes can not account for all kinds of taxes.
Even the housing costs and real estate taxes are below the average, author implicit assumes that living costs in Clearview is below the average too is poorly supported without take other factors into consideration.

However, there is no direct evidence that the major's promise new programs of Clearview
will lead it to develop better in the future. It is possible that due to many reasons such as the economic crisis render the decrease of finance incomes make government have not little money to spend, thus major could not accomplish his promise.
On the other hand, the author ignores that building schools do little benefit to the retiree. When people retire their children might already have their baby. So there is no need for retiree to spend their taxes on building schools.

Last but not least, the author unfairly assumes that the larger number of physicians in the area stand for better health care conditions. It is also possible that many physicians in Clearview are not the skilled ones, who may graduate from colleges before long. As is known to all, experience is a crucial factor to evaluate doctors. And the author does not refer to the medical equipments which is also an important effect on health care in Clearview

In conclusion, the assertion that people who retire would live a better live in Clearview can not convince me. To better support the assertion, author should offer some detailed information about the living costs and the health care conditions in Clearview.

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yang1989
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沙发

发表于 2009-3-5 08:22:26 |只看该作者

The author claims that retired people should live in Clearview because of its good conditioncondition好像一般不这样用，可以用setting,与environment同，但更强调背景条件。个人意见。 for old people. To support his viewpoint he cites that during the past year housing costs in Clearview has markedly decreased while the real taxes are still lower than those on nearby towns. And (逗号及小写，否则句子不完整)Clearview's mayor promises to provide some new programs such as improving schools, streets, and public saervices. Finally the author cites the evidence that number of physicians in Clearview is above the national average.加一句逻辑不通之类的话嘛～

To begin with, the decrease of the housing costs in Clearview does not necessary indicate the price of housing is lower compared with other place in the nation. It is possible that even after fell significantly during the past year, the housing costs are still high above the average. Also the lower real estate taxes compared with neighboring towns can not indicate that the real estate taxes of Clearview are bellowing belowthe average. And real estate taxes can not account for all kinds of taxes.(and最好换成therefore.)
Even the housing costs and real estate taxes are below the average, author implicit assumes that living costs in Clearview is below the average too is poorly supported without take other factors into consideration.可以在这句话前面加个what's more,然后放在上面一段的后面。最好不要单独句子成段。且这句话最好再补充一句other factors的说明

However, there is no direct evidence that the major's promise new programs of Clearview
will lead it to develop better in the future. It is possible that due to many reasons such as the economic crisis render(would render) the decrease of finance incomes (which will probably)make government have not (删去)little money to spend, thus major could not accomplish his promise.这个句子建议重写。可用两个句子表达。
On the other hand, the author ignores that building schools do little benefit to the retiree. When people retire their children might already have their baby. So there is no need for retiree to spend their taxes on building schools.so小写，前面逗号。

Last but not least, the author unfairly assumes that the larger number of physicians in the area stand for better health care conditions. It is also possible that many physicians in Clearview are not the skilled ones, who may graduate from colleges before notlong. As is known to all, experience is a crucial factor to evaluate doctors. And the author does not refer to the medical equipments which is (are)also an important effect (plural forms)on health care in Clearview

In conclusion, the assertion that people who retire would live a better live in Clearview can not convince me. To better support the assertion, author should offer some detailed information about the living costs and the health care conditions in Clearview.
(1.内容上没有太大问题，但他因尽量更完整一些。
2. 结构上还要再清晰一点，保持中间三段论，每段组织清楚。
3. 语法上多加注意，尤其是注意到自己用and,so等单词另起新句子的时候，要多加留心。)

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