寄托家园留学论坛 › 论坛 › 寄托学术类备考版 › GRE作文互动版 › issue212 【tsubasa】 zyp8756

返回列表

查看: 1116|回复: 6

[i习作temp] issue212 【tsubasa】 zyp8756 [复制链接]

zyp8756
UID: 2594775

特级会员

Rank: 6 Rank: 6

声望: 85
寄托币: 2319
注册时间: 2009-1-24
精华: 0
帖子: 32

电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2009-7-17 16:23:16 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

TOPIC: ISSUE212 - "If a goal is worthy, then any means taken to attain it is justifiable."
WORDS: 543
TIME: 01:05:00
DATE: 7/17/2009 11:38:21 AM

Goal is one of most significant motive of human living. To achieve goal, ensuring that the goal is worthy, people decide the means - some justifiable approaches is out of question and some unjustifiable ones need to be arrested.
Goal means a lot to human themselves. People like ships on the sea, and goal may be thought a beacon. Without beacon, ships will be at a loss without direction.
It can easily see the importance of goal, and how to choose the way of attaining, as we know, is a lasting-long debate. Answers are different from diverse areas. In some areas, the debate seems clear and simple while other areas deep and complex.
In the simple and clear area, education, as common sense, closes to per people in society, for every person grows up in education environment of parents, teachers, mate and so forth. Most of students desire to exam a good result and goal of attaining a perfect score belongs to them. Studying hard and adjusting a sanguine mood to exam is justifiable, which is agreed with by schools and society. Yet, if students cheat in exam such as tips and sending message by cell phone, we can assert the action is unjustifiable. Also, cheating in research is also unjustifiable and its impact is bigger as the contribution of research faces all society. A few months ago, a professor in Zhengjiang University in China robbed and changed others' data and claimed the contribution was made by him. Its influence was so large and unjustifiable that he was blamed and excluded by all study area. Thus, we encourage justifiable means, and ones such as cheating are unjustifiable that hurt people themselves and society though the goal is worthy.
Other areas may be difficult to indicate what means is justifiable and others not. Politics, for example, can embody obviously. The area of politics is pretty complex at most of time. On account of the discerning justice in international society melding profits and power, which mean is justifiable and which is not disturb leaders and common people's minds. Nowadays, a host of Europe nations claim to reject China commodities for the cargoes stemming from China use an unreasonably low price to occupy Europe market and hurt the profits of Europe producers, while China government says that cost of per commodity is really low according to nation condition to deny the result of Europe. What is more, whether a girl should keep pudicity has been a argument for a long time in society area. Lots of people hold that puducity stems from tradition and can last girls’ trueness which benefits to her tomorrow family. And others refute for freedom belongs to all members and girl has right to choose and enjoy her life. Both of the two areas are instances, which exists big difficulties to decide justifiable mean.
Communication, at present, seems to be the best approach to solve the dim issues in complex areas owing to both sides choosing way based on concrete conditions.
To sum up, clear means which is justifiable can be done and special principle regulates us not to attain goal by unjustifiable mean. Yet, some means are on line of dim situation, and depending on communication puts on the first place.

choose,do and never give up.

回应
0

使用道具举报

zyp8756
UID: 2594775

特级会员

Rank: 6 Rank: 6

声望: 85
寄托币: 2319
注册时间: 2009-1-24
精华: 0
帖子: 32

沙发

发表于 2009-7-17 23:10:34 |只看该作者

When it comes to the issue about whether any kind of goal should be attained by taking any means if the goal is indeed worthwhile, considerable in numbers of people will accept the viewpoint that achiving worthy goal is necessary or even more compelling with which I fundamentally agree for the reason that the extent to the value of goal sometimes possibly equates with individual's life. However, I must raise some points to better consummate the speaker's argument.

choose,do and never give up.

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

使用道具举报

saavedro
UID: 2423190

荣誉版主

Rank: 9 Rank: 9 Rank: 9

声望: 1356
寄托币: 28866
注册时间: 2007-11-6
精华: 29
帖子: 930

板凳

发表于 2009-7-17 23:49:10 |只看该作者

1# zyp8756

TOPIC: ISSUE212 - "If a goal is worthy, then any means taken to attain it is justifiable."
WORDS: 543
TIME: 01:05:00
DATE: 7/17/2009 11:38:21 AM

Goal is one of most significant motive(s)注意下单复数问题 of human living. To achieve goal, ensuring that the goal is worthy, people decide the means - some justifiable approaches is out of question and some unjustifiable ones need to be arrested.

开头过于简单了。我帮你改写下。借用一下我去年写ISSUE风格吧。不是完全是这样的，我零星记得些许。

When it comes to the issue about whether any kind of goal should be attained by taking any means if the goal is indeed worthwhile, considerable in numbers of people will accept the viewpoint that achiving worthy goal is necessary or even more compelling with which I fundamentally agree for the reason that the extent to the value of goal sometimes possibly equates with individual's life itself. However, I must raise some points to better consummate the speaker's argument.

Goal means a lot to human themselves. People like ships on the sea, and goal may be thought （may be able to be thought as a beacon that orients us toward the final objective.）a beacon. Without beacon, ships will be at a（不要at a  will be lost their direction） loss without direction. It can easily see the importance of goal, and how to choose the way of attaining, as we know, is a lasting-long debate. Answers are different from diverse areas. In some areas, the debate seems clear and simple while other areas deep and complex. （后面写的十分模糊。很多都是定义性的东西，没有具体论述。还有很多语言不规范，需要decorate一下。至少要体面些。）

这一段主要论述目标的价值等同于人们本身，举例虽然还不错，但是缺乏论证，段落中提出观点后要积极论证你的观点，各种论证方式都可以考虑。目的就是要reader相信你的观点是正确的，是valid。所以诸如正反论证，举例论证。反论证都是可以使用的。总之就是要让你的文章，至少是段落层面上更加的结构化，更加的逻辑化。另外楼主现在的语言是主要问题。个人感觉语言水平还不能撑不起你的思想，至少不能很好的，全面的，深入的撑起你的观点和论证体。所以要加强语言的训练。

In the simple and clear area, education, as （in common sense 是搭配）common sense, closes（??? 那有这么用的？） to per people （per这个词很少用于人 every person 就行了） in society, for every person grows up in education environment of (consisting of )parents, teachers, mate and so forth. Most of students desire to exam a good result （？？？不知道你这里要表达什么？）and goal of attaining a perfect score belongs to them. （这句话后半句结构和前半句不一样，语法有错误。后面意思也模糊）Studying hard and adjusting(to) a sanguine mood to exam is justifiable, which is agreed with(去掉) by schools and society. Yet, if students cheat in exam such as tips and sending message by cell phone, we can assert （that 宾语从句，that不能省略） the action is unjustifiable. Also, cheating  （plagiarism 换一下表达法嘛，不要总是cheating 这个词是高中生的词汇使用水平体现。）in research is also unjustifiable and its impact is bigger （big这个词要慎用，太口语化了。 having seriously adverse impact on。。。也可以） as the contribution of research faces all society. A few months ago, a professor in Zhengjiang University in China robbed and changed others' data and claimed the contribution (这个词用错了吧？我看不懂你这句话什么意思？还有前面那个大学的表达也不对，那是什么大学？)was made by him. Its influence was so large and unjustifiable that he was blamed and excluded by all study area. Thus, we encourage justifiable means, and ones such as cheating are unjustifiable that hurt people themselves and society though the goal is worthy.

语言问题比较严重，严重到无法很好的理解你的思想和思路。必须要尽快提升语言表达能力。

Other areas may be difficult to indicate what means is justifiable and others not. Politics, for example, can embody obviously. The area of politics is pretty complex at most of time. On account of the discerning justice in international society melding profits and power, which mean is justifiable and which is not disturb leaders and common people's minds. （这不是一句话啊。没有谓语和宾语。自己写which的非限定性从句的时候脑子里已经没有前面语句的形态了。主要是写作语感和思维还没有足够的建立。）Nowadays, a host of Europe nations claim to reject China commodities for the cargoes stemming from China use an unreasonably low price to occupy Europe market and hurt the profits of Europe producers, while China government says that cost of per commodity is really low according to nation condition to deny the result of Europe. What is more, whether a girl should keep pudicity（？？？） has been a argument for a long time in society area. Lots of people hold that puducity（？？？） stems from tradition and can last girls’ trueness which benefits to her tomorrow family. And others refute for freedom belongs to all members and girl has right to choose and enjoy her life.（双谓语，实在令人费解。） Both of the two areas are instances, which exists big difficulties （chinglish）to decide justifiable mean. Communication, at present, seems to be the best approach to solve the dim(??? 没有这么用的吧。) issues in complex areas owing to both sides choosing way based on concrete conditions.

To sum up, clear means which is justifiable can be done and special principle regulates us not to attain goal by unjustifiable mean. Yet, some means are on line of dim situation, and depending on communication puts on the first place.  （不是平行结构，）

总的来说，语言问题是首要问题，需要第一重视，思维和思想在这种情况下就是其次的东西了。首先要有一个至少正确合理的语言表达你的思想。我在阅读你这篇文章的时候真的很费劲。很多地方不能很好理解你的意思。主要精力要放在改正语法错误和句子错误上。所以尽快提升你的写作水平吧。低分作文主要原因就是语言表达不清楚，不正确，评分人没有办法读懂你的文字究竟在表达什么意思。

已有 1 人评分	声望	收起理由
zyp8756	+ 2	加上2分聊表谢意

总评分: 声望 + 2 查看全部投币

Saavedro's series of preeminent essays for Cracking GRE and TOEFL-iBT
-
-
-
【Saavedro】——Authentic Guide For TOEFL-iBT [听说读写完整版] (Version 2.00) （2010年 3月5日）

Saavedro简谈如何有效提升GRE-AW写作语言表达（2009年 2月17日）
-
-
-

使用道具举报

saavedro
UID: 2423190

荣誉版主

Rank: 9 Rank: 9 Rank: 9

声望: 1356
寄托币: 28866
注册时间: 2007-11-6
精华: 29
帖子: 930

地板

发表于 2009-7-17 23:55:12 |只看该作者

语言是主要问题，剩下的时间先提升一下语言吧。我有个提升语言的教程你看下。

使用道具举报

saavedro
UID: 2423190

荣誉版主

Rank: 9 Rank: 9 Rank: 9

声望: 1356
寄托币: 28866
注册时间: 2007-11-6
精华: 29
帖子: 930

5楼

发表于 2009-7-17 23:55:38 |只看该作者

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-918693-1-3.html

使用道具举报

zyp8756
UID: 2594775

特级会员

Rank: 6 Rank: 6

声望: 85
寄托币: 2319
注册时间: 2009-1-24
精华: 0
帖子: 32

6楼

发表于 2009-7-18 00:05:17 |只看该作者

水

choose,do and never give up.

使用道具举报

snail8843
UID: 2516929

初级会员

Rank: 3 Rank: 3

声望: 14
寄托币: 833
注册时间: 2008-7-16
精华: 0
帖子: 0

7楼

发表于 2009-7-19 20:50:07 |只看该作者

1# zyp8756

Goal is one of most significant motive of human living. To achieve goal, ensuring that the goal is worthy, people decide the means - some justifiable approaches is out of question and some unjustifiable ones need to be arrested.

Goal means a lot to human themselves. People like ships on the sea, and goal may be thought a beacon. Without beacon, ships will be at a loss without direction.（这一句话不能作为一段）

It can easily see the importance of goal, and how to choose the way of attaining, as we know, is a lasting-long debate. Answers are different from diverse areas. In some areas, the debate seems clear and simple while other areas deep and complex.（前三段完全可以压缩作为第一段）

In the simple and clear area, education, as common sense, closes to per people in society, for every person grows up in education environment of parents, teachers, mate and so forth. Most of students desire to exam a good result and goal of attaining a perfect score belongs to them. Studying hard and adjusting a sanguine mood to exam is justifiable, which is agreed with by schools and society. Yet, if students cheat in exam such as tips and sending message by cell phone, we can assert the action is unjustifiable. Also, cheating in research is also unjustifiable and its impact is bigger as the contribution of research faces all society. A few months ago, a professor in Zhengjiang University in China robbed and changed others' data and claimed the contribution was made by him. Its influence was so large and unjustifiable that he was blamed and excluded by all study area. （例子太长！）Thus, we encourage justifiable means, and ones such as cheating are unjustifiable that hurt people themselves and society though the goal is worthy.

Other areas may be difficult to indicate what means is justifiable and others not. Politics, for example, can embody obviously. The area of politics is pretty complex at most of time. On account of the discerning justice in international society melding profits and power, which mean is justifiable and which is not disturb leaders and common people's minds. Nowadays, a host of Europe nations claim to reject China commodities for the cargoes stemming from China use an unreasonably low price to occupy Europe market and hurt the profits of Europe producers, while China government says that cost of per commodity is really low according to nation condition to deny the result of Europe. What is more, whether a girl should keep pudicity has been a argument for a long time in society area. Lots of people hold that puducity stems from tradition and can last girls’ trueness which benefits to her tomorrow family. And others refute for freedom belongs to all members and girl has right to choose and enjoy her life.（前一个例子是政治，后来怎么讲girl了，与你的TS冲突啊。）
Both of the two areas（政治和什么？？） are instances, which exists big difficulties to decide justifiable mean.

Communication, at present, seems to be the best approach to solve the dim issues in complex areas owing to both sides choosing way based on concrete conditions. （这不能作为一段！！）

To sum up, clear means which is justifiable can be done and special principle regulates us not to attain goal by unjustifiable mean. Yet, some means are on line of dim situation, and depending on communication puts on the first place.

总结：结构比较乱
论述有些偏颇。学生那段在论述什么合法什么不合法，下一段马上就跳到合法方法的存在性问题上了。有点乱了。。。
看了你几篇I 和A, 得加油了.

使用道具举报