0910AW SPECTACULAR之【每日一评】总贴——7.27 [一篇习作--更新至31#] [复制链接]

13. "Many of the world's lesser-known languages are being lost as fewer and fewer people speak them. The governments of countries in which these languages are spoken should act to prevent such languages from becoming extinct."

Statistics show that 75% of the world's TV channels are English, 80% of emails are written in English, 85% of international organizations working language are English, and 100% of software source codes are English format; Economist once published an article reputed English as “Language Empire” because, among 6 billion people in the world, more than 380 million people’s mother tongue is English, more than 250 million people’s second language is English, more than 1 billion people are learning English, and more than 2 billion people are contacting with English. It is extremely clear that English stands in an authority role of global languages;（这个前背景铺垫太长了…而且有一点，这个是反面信息的铺垫，要起的作用是做对比，所以尽量简洁，不要把rater的视线吸引走，否则容易让他们觉得你在偏题。还有就是关于一些统计数据，在AW里中去罗列是没有太大必要的，ETS虽然给了topic pool，但是他们给AW定义的是现场考察你的逻辑分析力，而且是会当做初稿去审定，放上统计数据会有两种结果——自己真的用心去查了，让ETS觉得很诡异，你这个明明事先准备过而且自己背下了[而且这个是很难背过的]；另一种是你立场去杜撰数据，虽然ETS不会无聊到去核实你的数据真伪，但是rater做这摊买卖已经很久了，出去第一种情况极少数人，所有人的数据都是在杜撰，而且任何人看过上百篇文章之后，真假一眼就可以看出来。同时作为罗列数据，虽然会使你的论述让人看起来有理可依但是同时会增加论述的冗余程度，需要你用更多的文字去阐述，得不偿失的。能少用尽量少用，这个和谚语名言一样。） consequently（这个关键词，用转折要比用因果好些，要不会让rater糊涂的）, lesser-known languages have been increasingly threatened（by whom，首段一定要把话说全说清晰，因为影响因素太多了，你一定要树立起非常合适的攻击点才好）. As the corresponding of（没有这个搭配…下次如果哪个词拿不准的话，去把这个词组或者搭配Google一下就可以了，看搜索结果里的数量以及匹配度就可以知道有没有这个搭配，同时还可以看到最新鲜的例句）
language extinction which is loss of human civilization and culture（human civilization and culture’s loss，我觉得这样的顺序更舒服些~当然让重点词前移是很重要的，但是尽量结合语感来做，如果是这个种loss在前的结构，在读句子的时候要绕个小弯，给rater看的东西，弯越少越好）, governments should take effective measures to prevent the disappearance of small languages（这里有一个要点就是topic里的那个The governments of countries in which，做好主语的大致定位之后，还要做主语的细致方向的，如果扩大到所有的government，也是对topic的一种不深刻把握，虽然这里有些太过细了，而且分和不分在行文的时候也没有太多差距，但是针对6分的稳准狠，首先的这个准就是一定要直击核心）.

首段结构是background information+ thesis statement
整体来看挺好的，多注意细节把握就可以了

Fundamentally, it is fully necessary to（这个搭配也没有…有it is necessary to，不过加了fully的Google不到。还有就是后面接realize的话，要提出主语的，至于提多大，看你自己的把握了~） realize the urgent present situation（还是Google的问题） of linguistic field. Base（Basing吧） on globalization, people are（嘿嘿，这个用对了，很多人都要在这个词上出错） growing to learn a common（commonly accepted更精准一些） language for the sake of commercial intercourse, academic exchanges, besides（and就可以了，besides放在这里觉得有些过）, other kinds of communication. English undertakes such role of global information exchange which let it achieves linguistic hegemony; thus, most people accept learning English as a matter of course. It is predicted that, by 2050, over half of the ecumenical population will reach English proficiency which means English can undoubtedly becomes indeed “Language Empire”（有是过多的对比信息了，能少则少，因为这些在做对比的时候同样会把rater的眼光吸引过来，如果吸引太多就会被定做偏题的）. On the other hand, a great number of lesser-known languages in the arcane（这个词不好理解） and little know regions（这个我能明白你的意思，但是这样说出来感觉别扭，还有就是region说little可以，不过little know有些不合适） are disappearing at a frightening rate because（because能少用就少用，尽量替换） fewer and fewer people speak and use（这俩有些重叠赘余）
them. Due to restriction of the use of those small languages, compare with English, they are being abandoned（by whom，这个一定要说清楚）. UNESCO says that about 2,500 languages, in around 6,000 existing languages, are on the verge of extinction.（调查数据）

整体来说这段是给背景的（说明事态严重，我们要予以重视），其实放在首段的background information里就可以了，同时又一点要注意，在正文论述的时候，决定你分数高低非常核心的一个就是如何做阐述，也就是给出一个例子，放出一个观点，一定要花费笔墨去说清楚说明白。很多很多人在准备的过程中，多是直接放下一个例子或者观点然后就做后面的了。要记住，rater是零背景去接触你的这篇作文的，他们没有你在写的过程中对自己这篇作文的思考，所以一定要把脑子里那些推理部分也都展示给他们。很大程度上决定你论述饱满以及文章说理性的是集中在这个部分的，如果这里做的好，五分的论述实力就达到了，但是如果这里做不好，纵使你的论点多么好也是说不透的，而且有的时候如果论坛过深，同时没有做好阐述，那么反倒偷鸡不成蚀把米。切记~

Next（换一个吧，这个做段首过渡语不好）, we have to distinctly recognize the importance of each specific category of language（看到这里，如果经验丰富些都会抖一下，因为偏题了，切记一定要在topic sentence里不留这种把柄，要不让rater去带着一种这篇偏题的态度去判卷，是很不好的） and be aware of（前面是主动态，后面就转弯做被动态了，这样不太好，最好追求一致） the destructive result of language extinction. A language（细化到lesser known上）, during its generating process, absorbs those（这个指代和后面的隔的有些远了，会造成阅读障碍的） essential characters, fabulous wisdoms and unbelievable understanding（？） between the communities then becomes the symbol of a nation; accordingly, language has the typical characteristics of non-replication.（上面这句说的有些飘，务必要做好阐述的，一般这样的一句话往往要两三句去充实才好） Moreover, language is the vehicle of culture: we can use any language, definitely, to express a same sentence, however, the exact meaning, the hidden ideas, as well as the feeling, each brings different result. Every language has its unique conceptions and cultural features; such spiritual wealth is irreplaceable and cannot be complemented by anything else. This means that the loss of a specific language is equivalent to the loss of a national culture. （以上这些句子都挺好的，不过都缺深一步的阐述去让language的重要性更加理性化，同时都有一点问题就是在概括所有语言，并没有针对消亡中的）Just like the famous Maya Hieroglyphs, an old language be used more than 1500 years, which was destructed and vanished as the result of the Spanish invasion in 16th century; what follow was, the script on Maya stelae had become sealed books and cannot be understood by anyone who lives on the earth, furthermore, we lost the capability of studying Maya’s history.（例子没事，不过这里没有government protection这一点，这样就偏了~这里也是应该去加一个重要性，或者损失的深入阐述）Similar tragedies are repeating, an average of once every two weeks a language disappears, which cause unprecedented serious threat to the diversity of human languages.

主要问题和上段一样，缺乏在观点和例子之后再深一步的说明
还有一个问题就是把language和lesser-known language混淆了
另外一个就是忽视了government
这样这段算是跑了~

And then（做段首过渡语不好，换一个~）, the most critical thing is that we should try to remain the information of those rare languages, this should involve not only the governments of countries in which these languages are spoken but also other countries, international organizations and even individuals as well（有些过了，单独一个government就很有的说，如果再扩大战场到国际组织和个人，很难去写充实丰满，论述的时候切忌蜻蜓点水）. Government should（topic里是government should而不是government how，所以给建议并非是全文重点） establish relevant policies or regulations to protect those endangered language and propagandize the importance of language protection work, encourage more communities and talents to do the meaningful thing. As early as Nov. 1999, the initiative of UNESCO: Since 2000, the annual Feb 21st is “International Mother Language Day” which arouse the whole society on the issue of linguistic diversity. European Union set 2001 as “European Year of Languages” to call on European countries to actively protect their national languages. France even adds “French language is French” into its constitution and German contributes its citizens to learn German through linguistic reform.（和论述重点岔开了吧~）Although many countries have taken effective measures to protect monitory languages, the severe situation requires further efforts.

一直在说重要性，但是既然主语是government，那么深挖一下government的特点，有什么是和别的不同的呢？那里就是要稳准狠的攻击的地方
同时例子里的一个失误就是把government扩大了

In summary, language is the valuable wealth of mankind; as its process is long and arduous, the loss of a language is really a pity thing. The governments are obliged to prevent rare languages from becoming extinct and the individual also should clearly recognize the value of language and consciously do everything to best of one’s ability to protect it. After that, we can achieve better performance of global civilizations.

这段整体来说主语有些乱，有mankind，有governments，有individual还有we，这样没用重点滴。从内容上是概括前面几段，这个下来细说吧。

KEY POINTS:
LESSER-KNOWN LANGUAGE
GOVERNMENTS WHICH
THE IMPORTANCE AND WHY (FOR GOVERNMENT)