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wsbsdd我来说两句
The material progress and well-being of one country are necessarily connected to the material progress and
well-being of all other countries.
------正文------
The quotation is certainly correct, insofar as it describes at least one nature of a country’s progress.*前面这句多余了
,前后两句完全是一个意思) In other words, I do agree with the proposition, subject to the proviso(笔误) that
the achievement of a country’s material progress and well-being may well also involve other traits or attributes.(取
一个词就可了,删掉 attributes吧)
With the fast (accelarating) pace of globalization, nowadays, all countries are(,nowadays放到这) interdependent
in consuming and providing products. Every country is making its unique contribution for(to) the global family. It's
very common that (加part of)the food we consume, the clothes we wear, the utensils and devices we use(用现在时更
好) are made in foreign countries, while we also produce goods for other countries. (角度有问题,不该局内人口
吻说话)The airplanes and vehicles,(不该特指) as we all know, usually contain components and parts (and parts
删掉)manufactured in different parts of the world and eventually serve many countries. (eventually serve many
countries?读起来不爽啊)All these products help to improve our daily life, which is an essential part of the material
progress and well-being of a country.(结论是单向的,对于一个国家而言,但是论述确更侧重几国互动,只要论的
重点少改就可了)
When some countries lose their own material progress and well-being in natural catastrophes or human disasters,
they cannot maintain their contributions and accordingly hampers the progress of other countries. (没maintain不
等于hampers )In this summer, the tropical areas in America continent experienced an extraordinary season of
hurricanes which decreased the petroleum production in Mexico Gulf dramatically as well as severely damaged the
life of the residents in that area. (as well as用的不对)At the same time, several major petroleum factories in Iraq
were damaged in war. Both of the two (删two )accidents caused the great reduction of world petroleum storage,
thus inevitably raise the gas price and people's living expenses and as a result hold back(impede) the material
progress and well-being of all countries around the world. (开头改成各国紧密连在一起了,因此任何一方的异常都
会波及另一方)
What's more, the hostility between (among)some countries is also harmful to all the (加other)countries around the
world.(around the world删)(几国间的 hostility与恐怖国家有啥联系呢,表达错位了)The hostile countries try to
destroy the progress of one another in various ways such as issuing embargos, starting a war and even taking
terrorist actions, which directly bother their neighboring countries in terms of peace and order which are
fundamental to their normal progress, and also hinder other countries from normal business activities with them
since people don’t like to put themselves in danger. (还是有点繁琐了)
Whenever we cast a glance at today’s world, we can find plenty of such facts. The conflicts between Israel and
Palestine have coursed so many deaths in war and terrorism. The foreigners who used to live here for commercial or
peaceful purposes are all frightened away, and the neighboring countries are all complaining the harm they brought
to their domestic life. The terrorists, who are scattered in some very tiny parts of the world, and are morbidly hostile
to most countries, have already alarmed the world by the appalling disasters they made such as the 911 attacks in
America, the kidnap and explosion in a middle school in Russia, the bomb explosion in some scenic sites or official
residence in Indonesia and other countries. This has evidently cast heavy shadow on all humanity and makes it
impossible for any single country to guarantee the material progress or well-being for its own citizens all by itself.(
这一段可以并到上一节,而且例子要有取舍,最好有分类)
Another notable fact is that highly developed technologies have enable people to fulfill many tasked which would have
been impossible in early days, which tightens the connections between all countries even further. The development of
nuclear technology makes it possible to destroy the whole world in a very short time, which is a great threat to all
countries in the world. Technologies also make people realize that the global circumstances are highly interactive.
Any single country can easily damage the global circumstances through pollution in its own territory or simply
carelessness of its own natural resources. (为了让这段更好地扣题,还是要有点链接)
In sum, the material progress and well-being of different countries are closely connected to one another. All countries
in the world should work hard together to propel the material progress and solidify the well-being of their own
xiaohe你的基本框价还很不错,但是细节上还要努力。你追求美丽的长句的目的可以理节,但是简洁是最好的。
多谢,有空帮我 wsbsdd改改,不知咋的,我在这里很不受欢迎。 |
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