10.13独立写作：求修改

samanthalycUID: 2968067

rt

sodapengUID: 3242849

lz可以看下这个~~https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1450941-1-1.html

mpromanusUID: 2565872

The benefits that students can get from students organization is as many as that they can get from their academic studies.

As far as I am concerned, making efforts to have an excellent performance in academic studies is more important than pursing a decent title in a student organization.(The question is NOT about which is more important. It's asking you whether the benefits of one are the same in amount as the other. You're basically writing yourself a different question – read your question carefully and make sure you know what you're expected to discuss. Do not just stuff things into familiar frameworks.)

Admittedly, working for a student organization is beneficial to cultivating the students’ interpersonal skills, which are given much importance in job-seeking in the future (If you just say 'in the future', your reference point is the current 'now', so you're basically saying interpersonally skills are not important as of now. What you meant to say is actually 'in their future' – notice how the reference point in time is different.). a Student organization, a collective administrative (A student organization is not necessarily administrative – in fact most of them are not. They can be sports teams, music clubs, drama societies – anything under the sun.) organization, consists of several functional departments. since its mutual interdependence (1. if things are 'mutual' and 'inter-', you're talking about at least two things, so a single entity like 'it' cannot be 'mutual'; 2. I don't know what 'its' refers to here anyway..), students in one certain department has many opportunities to deal with other students in different departments. I once worked for the student union in my sophomore year with a title of vice president of Studies Department (1. if you're the leader of just a department within the student union, then you're at most a department head – 'president' means THE president of the entire union; 2. you'd call it the department of 'academic affairs'; 3. you don't usually call them 'departments' but just, 'I'm the Officer-in-charge of Academic Affairs in the student union' – even though the Chinese word is indeed 部..but then again, Chinese people tend to have rather bloated titles for things..). I remember that I was supposed to charge for (I'm not sure what do you think you meant to express with 'charge for' here but usually that means you need to collect a fee for providing something.) a lecture about employment issues. and I needed posters to attract more students to come, so I turned to one student in Propaganda (It's 'Publicity'. Never, never, NEVER call Publicity 'propaganda', unless you mean it's really propaganda, because 'propaganda' means publicity with the explicit purpose of covering up truth and brainwashing.. a very, very politically loaded word. Seriously I would suggest you to not use the word 'propaganda' altogether..) for help. at first, he was reluctant to help me due to busy courses. after I negotiate with him for several times by telling him how importantly these posters would help us, he finally accepted. in actuality, this was a tiny problem was just one of numerous problems I have met. these experiences further the development of my interpersonal skills and leadership as well. (All very well, but I don't see why this is relevant – this question is essentially asking you to compare the benefits of student organizations with the benefits of academic studies, not just to describe how and why they are important.)

However, university education is not equal to career training, that is to say, the basic function of university education is much more than just training students’ interpersonal skills. more importantly, students are supposed to establish a solid foundation of knowledge, especially specialized knowledge, and form a series of scientific thinking methods, like critical thinking and logical thinking. supposed a man is only well connected with others but without any technological skill, how could it be possible for him to keep a foothold in society? (Find a rich woman using his good connections and persuade her to marry him because he has good interpersonal skills, that's one possibility. But Chinese students tend to instinctively ditch this as 'inappropriate' or 'not good for society' – that's why most of them don't really have 'critical' thinking, and make sweepingly moral-based statement about things.) only if one could gain proficiency in a certain expertise, learning from their academic studies, can he be able to survive in fierce competitions in current days. my major is computer science and my professor has launched several courses to help us to master applied technologies, like java programming, computer graphics, etc, so that we could accommodate customers’ needs when we enter the society. moreover, by studying academic courses, we are supposed to train our thinking methods as well. for example, in order to design an algorithm, it is required for us to have a profound theoretical knowledge as well as tight logical thinking. in this process, we are trained to form a strict reasoning skills. whenever I meet any problem, I try to use these thinking methods to solve it. basically, I will first grasp the core of the problem, then figure out how many essential elements are included in order to solve it, and finally find out the connections between these elements. in that way ,I can easily resolve any problems.(Yeah but none of these details are relevant to the question. You've not even proven your point at the start of the essay – that is, academic excellence is more important than student activities, since you've only said good things about both sides.. As said, this question is a comparison – not a qualitative description. You've basically just written a descriptive account of both sides, with no argument whatsoever. Plus you don't even have a conclusion to salvage the essay..)

总结：

好吧我只能说我本来觉得托福作文写成什么样的我应该都见过了但是像你写成personal statement一样的还真是头一次见。。= =

其实你的语言基本能力很稳定，只是冠词没有记得用，句首字母没有记得大写，然后表意基本有点直翻。。但是你从一开始就把题目审错了。。题目是问你两个事情的好处是不是一样多，你的文章是第一段把论点变成了‘学习好比参加社团重要’，然后第二段写社团的好处，花了一大段很仔细的描述你在社团的活动和成就，第三段写读书的好处，又花了一大段很仔细的描述你读书的成就。。且不要说你没有回答本来的作文题，就连第一段的论点你也都没有证明。。所以我觉得你需要先去明确下议论性的文章应该怎么架构。。