菜鸟作文,请高手帮忙看看

yz95UID：2360894

又写了一篇作文,写的头都大了,太难写了,请高手给指点一下

yz95UID：2360894

题目:Nowadays, food has become easier to prepare. Has this change improved the way people live? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Today, cooking the meal become more and more easily, and people have meal become more and more shortly, these attribute that the fast food is more popular in our life. But if you want prepare a classic food, it is possible that it take long time as people prepared them in past. Fast food plays important role in catering industry, it may probably take 10 to 20 minutes to eat a meal, that save your time efficiently, but does these ameliorate the way we live? No! It not only improve our life, but also may be harmful for you. I will explain them in some reasons in following paragraphs.
    Primarily, the cooking style may prey upon your health. As we know, deep-fry is the mainly style that used in fast food cooking. it is said that eating the fried food in long terms may increase the probability of getting cancer, and the major food in fast food is the deep-fry food, for example, the French fries and the fried chicken wings. This food is very liked by people especially by children. Imaging that kids are accustomed to these food, and they may be afflicted with cancer in 10 years, that is too horrible! fast food also make people too fat. There are too much fat in fast food, people eat them in long time who may put on weight. The overweight people have various difficulties in daily life, for example, they may hardly run fast, they may be made fun of by other people, even they may have troubles in making friends. The fat people not only have these problems above paragraphs, but also may have more probability that they suffer the angiocardiopathy, such as hyperlipoidemio, vascular hypertension, heart disease etc. If you want to keep away the healthy problems, you should eat less fast food or refuse fast food.
    Now, you can see the disadvantages of prepare food easily, therefore i think that food has become easier to prepare do not improve our life.

yz95UID：2360894

高手们,希望得到你们的帮助

cw025UID：2181480

可以参加作文互改小组
或者组建也可以

cw025UID：2181480

结构不太合理,用词重复
结尾口语化
觉得LZ先研究几篇范文吧

豆豆～UID：2378384

Today, cooking the meal (has) become more and more easily(easy), and people have meal become more and more shortly(this is not parallel, because the subject in the clause after "and" should be the same as the one in the main clause.),(when you wanna start out another sentence, use period instead of comma.) these attribute (to the reasons) that(why) the(there is no "the") fast food is more popular in our life. But if you(you said "in OUR life" previously, why you use "you" in this sentence? Try "we" instead.) want (to) prepare a classic food, it is possible that it (will) take (a) long time as people prepared them in (the) past. Fast food plays (an) important role in catering industry,(Again, the misuse of comma.) it may probably take 10 to 20 minutes to eat a meal, that(what "that" refers to?) save your time efficiently, but does these ameliorate the way we live("save YOUR time... the way WE live"??? Be more careful.)? No! It not only improve(s) our life, but also may be harmful for you(... DON'T MAKE ME COME UP THERE!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? "...OUR life ... for YOU"??? What's more, I don't see any reason why you use "not only... but also", since the logic is chaotic.). I will explain them in some reasons(delete "in some reasons") in following paragraphs.
   
First of all, your opening is so long that it is hardly possible that the raters will have a good mood while reading it. Thus, keep it as short as you can, 3 to 4 lines would be perfect. After all, the only thing that an good opening serves is to introduce what you are gonna talk about.
     Secondly, pay attention to those "the", "a" words. They are small, but very essential. Missing one or two words would be just fine, but more than 3 would be make the whole passage look awkward.

Primarily, the cooking style may prey upon your health. As we know, deep-fry is the mainly style that(delete "that") used in fast food cooking. it is said that eating the (there is no "the") fried food in long terms may increase the probability of getting cancer, and the major food in fast food is the deep-fry food, for example, the French fries and the fried chicken wings. This (kind of) food is very liked(wildly favored) by people especially by children(change "by people especially be children" to "by people, especially children"). Imaging(Imagine) that kids are accustomed to these food, and they may be afflicted with cancer in 10 years,(.) that is too horrible!(How horrible, isn't it?) fast food also make(s) people too fat.(Fast food often makes people become chubby.) There are(is) too much fat in fast food, (change "," to "that")people (who) eat them(it) in long time who(delete "who") may put on("put on" ==> "gain") weight. The overweight people have various difficulties in daily life, for example, they may hardly run fast, they may be made fun of by other people, even they may have troubles in making friends. The fat people (do) not only have these problems above paragraphs, but also may have more probability that they suffer the angiocardiopathy, such as hyperlipoidemio, vascular hypertension, heart disease etc. If you want to keep away the healthy problems, you should eat less fast food or refuse fast food.

Um... THE LOGIC IS A MESS. Keep it simple!!! Use specific examples... Don't be just too general. You may say:" One of my friends, Tom, has gained a lot of weight recently only because he was addicted to junk food." And then you can go on to explain how 'Junk Food' wrecks people's body.
      Don't use one word too much. "For example", you can say "For instance", "Take XXX for example.", "XXX is the case in point". And for "probability", you can say "possibility", "chance". "likelihood", etc.

    Now, you can see the disadvantages of prepare food easily, therefore i think that food has become easier to prepare do not improve our life.

The ending... Hmmm... A little bit informal... Need to be revised...




All in all:

Your way of writing if just fine; however the words you use are a little bit awkward. Most words you used are normal, but once in a while, there bumps up a big word, and even those freaking diseases. That's not very nice, because it will just make the raters think you are showing off (or "being ostentatious", probably). Keep your style the same, and focus more on you grammar.

Furthermore, you need to make the structure more clearly presented. A generally accepted structure goes like this: "opening" the 1st paragraph, "body" the 2nd~3rd(or 4th) paragraph, and "conclusion" the last paragraph. In each of the BODY, you need to use examples to support your idea. There is no need to present any example in the opening.

Essay like this earns a score of 2.5~3 (personal opinion.)

yz95UID：2360894

thank you !豆豆～!
非常感谢,发自内心的感谢,
我会吸取缺点,继续写的,谢谢

豆豆～UID：2378384

That is not a problem:-)

Keep FIGHTING!

WISH YOU ALL MY LUCK!

oraclericUID：2397058

I will explain them in some reasons in following paragraphs.
这句话都不要了吧。。
还有，2点原因不太Valid呀。。尽量分出点段来。开头别那么长，精简第一，留下篇幅深入展开说明讨论。有的时候结尾并不是特别重要，关键是你能用Specific Reasons使Rator能接受你的观点。
有些语法错误啊。。放在Word里打打看，没准它能提示你怎么改正语法错误，但别太相信它。

yz95UID：2360894

谢谢oracleric :)
非常感谢帮助我的每一个人