14年秋季提纲互改小组-issue 10

max940623UID: 3559548

tesolchina 发表于 2014-10-31 09:27
请老师再帮我改一改，这次应该没偏题了
TS：
Although protection on environment have become a urgen ...

老师的问题我已经PM
这是我按您的主旨句依葫芦画瓢写出的提纲。。。
我觉得我就是把握不到您的模型的核心，就是首段的有深度有层次的主旨句组织 - -
V3
TS:
In developed countries, the governments should introduce laws to preserve wilderness as it is economically and administratively feasible to do so. In developing countries, the governments should formulate conservation policies for the wilderness through legislation to achieve a balance between environmental protection and economic development. For certain wilderness areas in developing countries that should be preserved for the global interests, the developed countries should provide aid to make it happen.  

ts1: For developed countries, the preservation policy is more suitable for wilderness protection. First of all, these countries generally could guarantee the execution of these policies because of their stronger ability in economic and administration. 展开，政府的执行力能保证旷野保育政策在大范围的实施，国家经济实力能承受经济成本（放弃开发的经济利益）
Besides, the enacting of preservation laws would bring other benefits to these countries, such as the increase of citizen’s environmental awareness and an undisturbed environment for science research.
政府可以组织生态旅游让公民接触未经污染的自然，让他们更加珍惜环境。
一些旷野本身就有很高的科研价值，禁止其他人类活动让科研环境变好

ts2: On the contrary, the developing countries that must balance the wilderness protection and economic development should promulgate conservation laws. 可持续发展旷野，根据每一块旷野的特点来做决定开发的程度，比如说有丰富矿产资源的应该多开发，资源匮乏生态意义大的尽量少开发。发展中国家如果强行进行overall preservation,可能环境破坏问题会变本加厉 例子：非洲政府不适当开发，逼得一些当地人只能犯法偷猎来为生

ts3: However, certain natural area in developing countries may play a significant role in global ecological system and could not even bear a little harm from conservation. In this case the developed countries should undertake the responsibility to assist the preservation.发展中国家应该颁布法律preserve这些地方，但他们执行能力和经济实力可能不足。因为生态价值已经达到全球层面，所以发达国家要有整体意识，提供支持

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

max940623 发表于 2014-10-31 23:44
老师的问题我已经PM
这是我按您的主旨句依葫芦画瓢写出的提纲。。。
我觉得我就是把握不到您的模型的 ...

这是我按您的主旨句依葫芦画瓢写出的提纲。。。
我觉得我就是把握不到您的模型的核心，就是首段的有深度有层次的主旨句组织 - -
其实1+3模型的核心就是首尾呼应
做到这一点 这篇文章就成功一半了

V3
TS:
In developed countries, the governments should introduce laws to preserve wilderness as it is economically and administratively feasible to do so. In developing countries, the governments should formulate conservation policies for the wilderness through legislation to achieve a balance between environmental protection and economic development. For certain wilderness areas in developing countries that should be preserved for the global interests, the developed countries should provide aid to make it happen.  

ts1: For developed countries, the preservation policy is more suitable for wilderness protection. First of all, these countries generally could guarantee the execution of these policies because of their stronger ability in economic and administration. 展开，政府的执行力能保证旷野保育政策在大范围的实施，国家经济实力能承受经济成本（放弃开发的经济利益）
Besides, the enacting of preservation laws would bring other benefits to these countries, such as the increase of citizen’s environmental awareness and an undisturbed environment for science research.
政府可以组织生态旅游让公民接触未经污染的自然，让他们更加珍惜环境。
一些旷野本身就有很高的科研价值，禁止其他人类活动让科研环境变好

感觉这一段如果再讲后面的好处就会变得比较长  而且这些好处也不是发达国家独有的
because of their stronger ability in economic and administration 这个表达有点问题
分开讲administrative efficiency 和economic development比较好



ts2: On the contrary, the developing countries that must balance the wilderness protection and economic development should promulgate conservation laws. 可持续发展旷野，根据每一块旷野的特点来做决定开发的程度，比如说有丰富矿产资源的应该多开发，资源匮乏生态意义大的尽量少开发。发展中国家如果强行进行overall preservation,可能环境破坏问题会变本加厉 例子：非洲政府不适当开发，逼得一些当地人只能犯法偷猎来为生

感觉你列提纲有一个倾向就是加更多的内容 其实深入的讲清楚一个点好过讲多个点却讲不清楚
关于conservation 把可持续发展的概念说清楚就很好了
估计写全文还会有些困难 建议去看一些相关的文章


ts3: However, certain natural area in developing countries may play a significant role in global ecological system and could not even bear a little harm from conservation. In this case the developed countries should undertake the responsibility to assist the preservation.发展中国家应该颁布法律preserve这些地方，但他们执行能力和经济实力可能不足。因为生态价值已经达到全球层面，所以发达国家要有整体意识，提供支持

关于生态价值已经达到全球层面 不知道你有没有干货  
这个点要有例子才比较好写

gzc405933323UID: 3574833

这道题有点不好写，请王老师提提宝贵意见


    Thesis: Legislate for the preservation of wilderness areas at the cost of economic growth is the last resort to save the wilderness eco-system. However, it is more desirable to conserve the wilderness areas so that the government can achieve a balance between economic gains and the maintenance of the wilderness.原封不动的保育preservation只能用作最后的保护措施，生态环境情况不甚严重是还是conservation比较恰当

1. It is beneficial for government to invest in the maintenance of wilderness areas: 列出政府保护荒野的好处
    a. preserve the diversity of species.（保护物种多样性） National park system of China saves many animals from extinction including panda. Beneficial for humans: gene pool and disease control.
    b. prevent the unsustainable utilization of natural resources.（防止对自然资源的非可持续性利用） National forest park system in Japan and timber resources.
   
2. However, preservation of wilderness regions will improve the biodiversity.（坏处1：原封不动的保育会不一定会改善生物多样性）. 人是生物圈和食物链的一个不可或缺的部分，如果一个自然地区完全没有人的干预，生物多样性将会失调。a study in New Jersey found that preserved areas had the lowest biodiversity because they did not allow hunting and the resulting overpopulation of deer denuded the forest floor. (新泽西preservation的例子）
  
3.Moreover, preservation of wilderness for potential commercial use will limit the long-term economic development for the regions of limited land resources. （坏处2：原封不动的保育会阻碍某些地区的经济发展，尤其是土地资源有限的地区）e.g. Hong Kong. The research lab and colleges are on formerly wilderness areas（假如香港采取了perservation，那么像港中大，港科大还有港大这些学府和研究机构将不会有立足之地，因为这些机构需要大片土地来兴建，这样会阻碍香港的科研水平以及长久经济发展）


4. Ecological conservation is an eclectic policy that harmonizes the relationship between the well-being of ecological system with the economic development. （conservation将会是一个更好的自然保护措施，因为它协调了经济发展和环境保护）
a. ecotourism （生态旅游的例子）
b. organic agriculture （有机农业的例子）.

5. Conclusion: Economic gain and the well-being of the ecological system are not mutually exclusive. It is not efficient to sacrifice economic gain for maintaining the ecological system. Government should conduct case-by-case analysis before deciding to conserve or preserve the wilderness. If the wilderness is severely damaged and close to complete destruction, preservation was necessary. Otherwise, conservation of the ecological system is desirable since it can increase both economic growth while supporting the normal functioning of the eco-system.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

gzc405933323 发表于 2014-11-6 02:56
这道题有点不好写，请王老师提提宝贵意见

这道题有点不好写，请王老师提提宝贵意见

10) Nations should pass laws to preserve any remaining wilderness areas in their natural state, even if these areas could be developed for economic gain.
Write a response in which you discuss your views on the policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.



    Thesis: Legislate for the preservation of wilderness areas at the cost of economic growth is the last resort to save the wilderness eco-system. However, it is more desirable to conserve the wilderness areas so that the government can achieve a balance between economic gains and the maintenance of the wilderness.原封不动的保育preservation只能用作最后的保护措施，生态环境情况不甚严重是还是conservation比较恰当

你的thesis第一句话在中间段中找不到对应的点
而且last resort这个观点要支持比较麻烦
你的整个主旨句没有概括后面的分论点 没有一一对应  请参考我的1+3模型


1. It is beneficial for government to invest in the maintenance of wilderness areas: 列出政府保护荒野的好处
    a. preserve the diversity of species.（保护物种多样性） National park system of China saves many animals from extinction including panda. Beneficial for humans: gene pool and disease control.
    b. prevent the unsustainable utilization of natural resources.（防止对自然资源的非可持续性利用） National forest park system in Japan and timber resources.
   
这个点没有提到pass law的问题  需要强调是通过立法来推出一些政策
这一段的内容和后面的关系是怎样的
由于没有主旨句的统筹 后面的思路也很难连贯起来


2. However, preservation of wilderness regions will improve the biodiversity.（坏处1：原封不动的保育会不一定会改善生物多样性）. 人是生物圈和食物链的一个不可或缺的部分，如果一个自然地区完全没有人的干预，生物多样性将会失调。a study in New Jersey found that preserved areas had the lowest biodiversity because they did not allow hunting and the resulting overpopulation of deer denuded the forest floor. (新泽西preservation的例子）

某个区域的生态平衡需要人的干预 这个观点倒是很新鲜 可否发个链接让我学习一下
你主题句的措辞和后面的汉语不太一致



  
3.Moreover, preservation of wilderness for potential commercial use will limit the long-term economic development for the regions of limited land resources. （坏处2：原封不动的保育会阻碍某些地区的经济发展，尤其是土地资源有限的地区）e.g. Hong Kong. The research lab and colleges are on formerly wilderness areas（假如香港采取了perservation，那么像港中大，港科大还有港大这些学府和研究机构将不会有立足之地，因为这些机构需要大片土地来兴 建，这样会阻碍香港的科研水平以及长久经济发展）

这个点似乎可以成立
但是和整个的观点之间的关系不明确



4. Ecological conservation is an eclectic policy that harmonizes the relationship between the well-being of ecological system with the economic development. （conservation将会是一个更好的自然保护措施，因为它协调了经济发展和环境保护）
a. ecotourism （生态旅游的例子）
b. organic agriculture （有机农业的例子）.


你目前最主要的问题 就是各个分论点没有串起来 形成一个整合的观点
另外对于立法这个点 没有给予足够的关注和讨论


请私信回答下
寄托GRE考生背景调查

以前是否考过GRE作文，分数如何？托福作文？

下次考试日期？ 考前还可以写多少道题的提纲和全文？  

期待的分数？

谈谈对1+3模型的看法。

觉得自己的issue和argument最大的问题分别是什么？

对于我的指导有何期待或要求？

对于我在版面针对其他同学的批改、指导有何意见？





5. Conclusion: Economic gain and the well-being of the ecological system are not mutually exclusive. It is not efficient to sacrifice economic gain for maintaining the ecological system. Government should conduct case-by-case analysis before deciding to conserve or preserve the wilderness. If the wilderness is severely damaged and close to complete destruction, preservation was necessary. Otherwise, conservation of the ecological system is desirable since it can increase both economic growth while supporting the normal functioning of the eco-system.

gzc405933323UID: 3574833

tesolchina 发表于 2014-11-7 12:09
这道题有点不好写，请王老师提提宝贵意见

10) Nations should pass laws to preserve any remaining w ...

我刚刚认真地看了一下王老师您的1+3模型，改进了一下提纲，麻烦再多多提提意见，万分感谢！


在intro先定义好preservation
1.        Thesis: The legislation for the preservation of the remaining wilderness regions is desirable under the circumstances that the depletion of wilderness area has severely undermined the ecosystem and the economic growth of the nation. However, the legislation is not desirable under the circumstances that the limited land resources is the major factor to impede economic growth of the nation. If the ecological crisis from the loss of wilderness areas is not severe, it is recommended that the nation carries out the conservation of the wilderness areas which harmonizes the relationship between the well-being of the ecological system and the economic development.

2.        It is urgent for a nation which suffers economic problems from the depletion of wilderness regions to pass laws to preserve the remaining wilderness areas. 展开：原因是荒地问题已经成为经济问题，因此保育荒地就等于缓解经济问题。例子：西非的Sahel地区由于过度放牧（over-grazing）带来严重的荒漠化问题（desertification），严重制约当地农牧业的发展，从而严重制约经济发展。保护荒地的政策可以有效缓解经济困境。

3.        Preservation legislation might impose costs on the economic growth of regions where land resources places an upper limit on the economic growth. 展开：土地资源对经济发展对这些国家的经济很重要，过度原封不动保护荒地会制约这些国家的经济发展。 例子：新加坡。新加坡的科研和金融机构需要大片土地，这些土地主要通过开发荒地得到，假如政府施行完全的preservation，会影响新的科研和金融机构的兴建，从而影响经济发展，

4.        Conservation is an alternative method for sustaining the well-being of the ecological system as well as promoting the economic growth; therefore, it is an advisable policy for nations without severe environmental economic issues due to the depletion of wilderness areas. 展开：定义conservation，之后通过生态旅游（ecotourism）和生态农业（organic farming）两个例子来说明conservation如何既可以保护生态环境，又可以促进经济发展。

5.        Conclusion: The complete preservation of wilderness areas can reprieve the crisis that the loss of wilderness imposed on the ecosystem and economic development. However, conservation is a superior plan to the preservation in the case that wilderness preservation and economic growth are in conflict. An in-depth analysis on the impact of the loss of wilderness regions on the ecological system and economic growth of a nation is appropriate before a nation decides to legislate for the complete preservation of the wilderness areas.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

gzc405933323 发表于 2014-11-9 07:15
我刚刚认真地看了一下王老师您的1+3模型，改进了一下提纲，麻烦再多多提提意见，万分感谢！

这个提纲好多了 可以考虑写计时写一篇全文

gzc405933323UID: 3574833

tesolchina 发表于 2014-11-10 12:11
这个提纲好多了 可以考虑写计时写一篇全文

刚好用时27分钟，3分钟检查。
   
   According to the statement, nations ought to pass laws to preserve any remaining wilderness areas despite the potential opportunities of economic growth underlying in those areas. The author gives priority to the well-being of the ecosystem over the economic development. When the loss of wilderness areas do impose a crisis on economic development, it is desirable to legislate for the complete preservation of remaining wilderness regions. However, when the loss of wilderness areas do not impede the economic growth, the legislation for the preservation of wilderness might stymie the growth of the national economy. In this case conservation might be a superior solution to the conflict between the well-being of the ecological system and economic growth.
      Under the circumstance that the depletion of wilderness areas blocks the growth of the economy, it is necessary for the government to pass laws to preserve the wilderness regions to exclude any influence from human activities on those areas. For instance, the Sahel region in Western Africa suffers a significant damage in the wilderness vegetation due to the expansion of agricultural business. As a result, the aggravating desertification and encroaches the farming land of Sahel. Therefore, the local economy undergoes a crisis due to the loss of land for agricultures. Therefore, the law that carries out the preservation of the wilderness grassland is an ideal solution to halt the intensification of desertification.
         However, in the case that the depletion of wilderness areas does not stymie the development of economy, legislation for the comprehensive preservation of wilderness areas might be so aggressive that it undermines the economic growth, especially for the nations that are insufficient in land resources. For example, Singapore is a nation on a tiny island in dearth of land resources. The construction of scientific institutes and business buildings involves the usage of a mass piece of land. Therefore, it is not desirable for Singaporean government to legislate for the preservation of wilderness areas because that will exclude the usage of land to sustain economic development, given that Singapore does not currently suffer a severe ecological crisis. The legislation for preservation will hamper the development of business and science in Singapore and perhaps degrade the national economy.
         In contrast with preservation, conservation will be a more favorable way for a nation to achieve a balance between economic growth and maintenance of ecological well-being. By definition, conservation means moderate exploitation of natural areas to promote economic growth without significantly deteriorating the ecological system. Two examples of conservation are ecotourism and organic farming. Ecotourism means that people slightly modify the wilderness areas to make them fit for tourism. Ecotourism prohibits the harm to the wilderness areas. Through ecotourism, visitors can learn more about the environment protection and the science about biosphere. Meanwhile, the ecotourism can generate revenue that facilitates the local economic growth. Similarly, organic farming, in which farmers modify the niche ecosystem to cultivate agricultural products that emit little pollutive waste, can promote the co-development of the economy and ecosystem. The agricultural products can generate essential nutrients for other components in the ecological system and provide revenue for the farmers. It is a win-win game for both the nature and economy.
        Whether the legislation for wilderness preservation can bring net benefit to a nation depends on the degree of depletion of wilderness regions. If the loss of wilderness land is not serious enough to harm the national economy, it is recommended that the government should carry out conservation policies to achieve a balance between economic growth and the welfare of the ecosystem. An assessment of the relationship between preservation and economic growth is valuable for the government to generate decisions to preserve wilderness lands.

还有老师我想问一下600字文章打错5个词明显影响分数吗？

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

gzc405933323 发表于 2014-11-15 15:00
刚好用时27分钟，3分钟检查。
   
   According to the statement, nations ought to pass laws to pre ...

我觉得这篇肯定有4分以上

In contrast with preservation, conservation will be a more favorable way for a nation to achieve a balance between economic growth and maintenance of ecological well-being. 这句话要限制一下 对于中间第二段所讨论的那种情况的国家是这样 否则就会和前面中间第一段冲突了  

要注意主谓一致
the loss of wilderness areas do

the loss of wilderness areas do impose a crisis on economic development
这句话或许改为
the loss of wilderness areas leads to ecological disasters that threaten economic development

总的来说写得不错

杨家齐UID: 3566396

From the slash and burn cultivation to the modern society, we human beings have kept racking the earth out of our own profits. This long-standing ravage has brought about quiet serious consequences by now. Luckily, there are now some debates over the necessity of passing laws preserving wilderness areas. Nonetheless, I found this policy too aggressive to adopt in two respects. For one thing, preservation is too much to be rudimentary. For another,  the law may help little to fundamentally change people's traditional exploiting life style.

It is understandable that people do concern about the earth for the paucity of remaining wilderness areas causes a great many problems from the deficiency of natural resources to the loss of animal habitats.解释人们的顾虑是可以理解的：隧道挖进山洞、填海筑坝、砍伐森林、榨取地球资源……地球满目疮痍，给人类带来了灾难性的后果：极端气候，资源缺乏，地表沉降……不利于人类可持续发展。

However, the claim of preserving any single piece of the remaining wilderness area is too extreme. 说明preserve这种做法阻碍了任何程度上的开发利用，是不明智的。一方面对于发展中国家来说，发达国家在时间上领先发展，利用了资源却需要发展中国家一起承担后果，不利于缩小贫富差距和社会公平。另一方面，实际上商业开发并不一定会给原生态区域造成负面影响。引出conserve概念。

In fact, the law is always considered the ultimatum to constrain people's wrongdoings and to punish them for violating it. I would deem a better solution as raising people's moral and ethical consciousness to aviod those wrongdoings.观念影响行为，然而仅仅依靠法律是无法从根本上改变人的观念的。人类必须改变“人类征服自然”的传统观念，回归“人与自然和谐共存”的认识。

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

杨家齐 发表于 2014-11-22 16:53
From the slash and burn cultivation to the modern society, we human beings have kept racking the ear ...

10) Nations should pass laws to preserve any remaining wilderness areas in their natural state, even if these areas could be developed for economic gain.
Write a response in which you discuss your views on the policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.


From the slash and burn cultivation to the modern society, we human beings have kept racking the earth out of our own profits. (in order to …) This long-standing ravage has brought about quiet serious consequences by now. Luckily, there are now some debates over the necessity of passing laws preserving wilderness areas. Nonetheless, I found this policy too aggressive to adopt in two respects. (for two reasons) For one thing, preservation is too much to be rudimentary (what do you mean-WDYM?). For another,  the law may help little to fundamentally change people's traditional exploiting life style (WDYM?).

It is understandable that people do concern about (are concerned about) the earth for the paucity of remaining wilderness areas causes 语法 a great many problems from the deficiency of natural resources to the loss of animal habitats.解释人们的顾虑是可以理解的：隧道挖进山洞、填海筑坝、砍伐森林、榨取地球资源……地球满目疮痍，给人类带来了灾难性的后果：极端气 候，资源缺乏，地表沉降……不利于人类可持续发展。

你要看看我的1+3模型

https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... age=4#pid1778934719
主旨句应包含三点分别和后面的三个主题句呼应
这个点和wilderness关系似乎不是很紧密

However, the claim of preserving any single piece of the remaining wilderness area is too extreme. 说明preserve这种做法阻碍了任何程度上的开发利用，是不明智的。一方面对于发展中国家来说，发达国家在时间上领先发展，利用了资源却需要发展中国 家一起承担后果，不利于缩小贫富差距和社会公平。另一方面，实际上商业开发并不一定会给原生态区域造成负面影响。引出conserve概念。

claim后面通常跟that 从句


In fact, the law is always considered the ultimatum to constrain people's wrongdoings and to punish them for violating it. I would deem a better solution as raising people's moral and ethical consciousness to aviod those wrongdoings.观念影响行为，然而仅仅依靠法律是无法从根本上改变人的观念的。人类必须改变“人类征服自然”的传统观念，回归“人与自然和谐共 存”的认识。

ultimatum用在这里并不合适 你想说last resort?
感觉你的第二、三点不能连贯起来

或许你可以说由于第二点提到的原因 会遏制经济发展
因此一旦立法 在执法过程中会遇到很多阻力 产生政府和平民之间的冲突