我的作文 水平有限 求高人指点

紫色的紫色UID: 2328196

topic: some young adults want independence from their parents as soon sa possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their family for a long time. which is better?

When I was a little girl, I always looked forward to the days when I would grow up and live apart from my parents. But now I don’t think so. I’d like to live with my       family for a longer time.
As the old Chinese saying goes, ”adults traversed more road than salt eaten by children ”. Our parents experienced more than we did. So they  have more solutions in every aspect of our life. Maybe they’ve never been to school, or maybe they know nothing about gene, internet, even the  computer, but they do know how to cook!     They can tell you how to communicate well with your boss and your friends, and they can give you the  best advices on child-rearing.
A good case in point is that when my sister had her baby, she acted like being in a maze. She had no idea about the child-rearing. Then the phone  rang frequently:   Mom, can I heat the breast milk in a microwave?” “The diaper seemed to make the baby uncomfortable, what should I do?” “How do I give the baby a warm bath so   that he couldn’t have a cold?”… She even don’t know how to cook certain food which can rehabilitate the maternity. So, you see , the expense of independent from her family too soon is that she must spend more time learning the knowledge of life after she lived separately.
In addition, I think independence may have an effect on the relationship between someone and his/her parents. The parents would feel guilty for not looking after their children. This will bring about some marked consequences that even when the children commit something serious, their parents wouldn’t blame them, because they    attribute the error to themselves.
Taking into account the factors mentioned above, I think the situation which young adults prefer to live with their family for a longer time is better.

[ 本帖最后由 紫色的紫色 于 2008-4-7 19:09 编辑 ]

wyh_ccerUID: 2376739

我不是高人但是我想说说哈。我觉得整体感觉是只有两个分论点，少了一点，会显得单薄一些。
最好再加一段admittedly,independence is……，however,……

hyacinthUID: 2184492

When I was a little girl, I always looked forward to the days when I would grow up and live apart from my parents. But now I don’t (→do not) think so. I’d (→I would) like to live with my family for a longer time.

As the old Chinese saying goes,”adults traversed more road than salt eaten by children”. (怎么说呢,其实我个人不喜欢在类似T的写作中用中国谚语,因为老外不一定看得懂) Our parents experienced more than we did. So they have more solutions in every aspect of our life. Maybe they’ve (they have正式写作中不要出现这种缩写) never been to school, or maybe they know nothing about gene, internet, even the computer, but they do know how to cook!     They can tell you how to communicate well with your boss and your friends, and they can(可以删去) give you the  best advices on child-rearing.(文章中的tone要一致,前面都是we/our,到了后面变成you/your了)

A good case in point (in point删去)is that when my sister had her baby, she acted like being in a maze. She had no idea about the child-rearing. Then the phone rang frequently:   Mom, can I heat the breast milk in a microwave?” “The diaper seemed to make the baby uncomfortable, what should I do?” “How do I give the baby a warm bath so that he couldn’t have a cold?”… She even don’t (→does not) know how to cook certain food (what’s the certain food?这都是可以加强detail的部分) which can rehabilitate the maternity (换成是我的话,我可能会这样写 which is helpful to recuperate after childbirth). So, you see (you see太过于口语化), the expense of independent (→the cost of independence) from her family too soon is that she must spend more time learning the knowledge of life after she lived separately.
给出具体的电话询问里的问题其实也是一种举例子的方式,表现了子女独自生活的无助.不过看到这里,我觉得你这篇文章的观点可能很不对外国人的胃口. 西方家庭一般都很看重独立生活的能力,大部分的家庭更是从小就培养孩子的自理能力.虽说我们应该表达自己的观点,但是当这个观点变成非主流的时候,无疑是人为的造成了一种劣势.当然你文章里的sister初为人母, 平时生活中也是的确不太可能积累到照顾宝宝的经验,所以求助于父母也还算是合情合理.

In addition, I think independence may have an effect on the relationship between someone and  his/her parents (→children and parents). The parents would feel guilty for not looking after their children. This will bring about some marked consequences that even when the children commit something serious, their parents wouldn’t blame them, because they (指代不明) attribute the error to themselves (指代) 这段写得有点空泛.而且观点不是很明确. 比如为什么parents would feel guilty我就没看明白.最后又说到因为是父母造成的.你这个例子其实没有举起来,你应该用具体的例子去说服读者,而不是仅仅给出一种情景(the parents would feel …themselves),剩下的让读者去想.
.
Taking into account the factors mentioned above (you could use either take account of sth or take sth into account, but not take into account sth), I think the situation which(→that) young adults prefer to live with their family for a longer time is better.

整篇文章语言还比较通顺.也有例子支持自己的观点.
不过语言比较口语化,全文略显单薄.
我的建议是最好能重写文章. 重新整理一下自己的思路,文章body部分给出明确的观点,每个观点都给以细节支持.如此练习几篇下来,你就会形成一个自己的惯用写作模式.然后再进一步的关注如何写好开头和结尾. 如果准备T的时间比较长的话,现在还可以再多背背单词,练习同义词替换,这些无疑都可以给文章锦上添花,但起到的也仅仅是添花的作用,文章的结构和内容还是最为重要的.平时英文阅读的时候最好也能多积累一些句子.

:)  hope it helps

nightrain123UID: 2425063

挺好的   。。。。。。。。。。。。

古月一囡UID: 2341135

改得好详细啊 ～
替LZ感动一下！！！！！！！
我的作文也有这样改就好了……