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标题: 【战G兔斯基】ISSUE130作业提交楼 [打印本页]

作者: daisy吼吼 时间: 2010-5-29 22:07:27 标题: 【战G兔斯基】ISSUE130作业提交楼

本帖最后由 daisy吼吼于 2010-5-29 22:19 编辑

大家提交后楼下改楼上，一楼改底楼，大家辛苦了

作者: elenalsh 时间: 2010-5-30 13:44:38

本帖最后由 elenalsh 于 2010-5-30 21:29 编辑

大家改吧，后面我已经写到有点不知所云了……拜托了

Issue 130

The speaker assert that the socialization of children today determines the destiny of society while we have not yet learned how to raise them who can help bring about a better society. Although it might be tempting to agree with the speaker, I have the distinct points about the speaker’s assertion as discussed below.
The definition of socialization is the process of pure person becoming socialized, including life-style, action, language, thought and morals, and so forth. The socialization always determines the moving orbit of society, but it isn’t the heart which determines the destiny of society. Creating which is just cause of observing and thoughtfulness is another important measure to enhance the quality of life. With the creativity the Industrial Revolution forever transformed the way people live and work in most parts of the world. The creations bring something else such as thoughtfulness that can direct our humans to pressing problem we faced.
I concede that there are lots of benefits of great children socialization so that we might live in the harmonious environment as the speaker support: accelerating improvement of society with equal competition till the youth, understanding others mood which is good for harmony of society, and self-assurance is of benefit to the step of movement and so forth. Meanwhile, we ought to observe the shortage that the children socialization lead to. The increasing number of children suffered the stress from the fierce competition. Socialization might lead to the same characteristic to pander to society. Self-assurance makes the youths lost the moral of respect and trust themselves unrealistically.
On the other hand, except the example to children parents always play the role as assistants helping their children to be socialized and reducing the time of their socialization in the way of raising children. Thus, we can’t judge which way might lead to the better society and compel them to accomplish the goal perhaps we have the different purposes. We facing the problem to address is that the meaning of better society hasn’t been gave which should be defined by the youths. We would rather assert that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society than admit that we have not yet make clear purpose of the better society. And it would be a long way to explaining.
In the final analysis, how the children are socialized make influence for the society, but it isn’t the decisions factor of whether the better society can be built or not. Furthermore, we shouldn’t assert that we have not yet learned the way to raise children how to built the better society while query we did is unnecessary or it may case more puzzles and that is, of course, what we need to considering much more.

作者: fanyue3014568 时间: 2010-5-30 18:19:33

本帖最后由 fanyue3014568 于 2010-5-30 18:23 编辑

人生第一篇issue
感觉写的跟坨狗屎一样....继续努力！
大家猛拍！！！！！！
第一段为什么有下划线我也不知道...

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
WORDS: 594 TIME: 01:31:00 DATE: 2010/5/30 18:18:57

I agree with the speaker's assertion that the way children are socialized is the determinant of where our society is going. However, socialization alone cannot determine the destiny of our society. A number of other essential factors, including the education of the young,the moral standards of the society members and so forth, together shape our society.

I want first to make clear about the key concept--socialization. According to my understanding, the process of socializing, or becoming socialized, can be divided into two parts. One is the education and guidance society offers to youngsters, and the other is the establishments of interpersonal ties among them. Both parts play important roles in shaping children's personality, their outlook on value, world and life. Given these facts, we can safely draw the conclusion that once any of the two parts goes in the wrong way, our society suffers and risks going into the dead corner.

Here I would like to cite the Lost Generation as an example. This group of people emerges after World War I in the United States. People belonging to that group are typically characterized by frustration, hopelessness and resistance to the real world, for many of them have gone to the European lands, in hope of fighting for a saint cause, but only to see the dying and suffering caused by war. Here the society abused its guidance to its young, using them as nothing more than killing weapons and this eventually resulted in the pessimism of the generation.

The speaker's second statement also reflects some problems in today's parental guidance on their children. I’d like to take the Chinese parental guidance as an example. In the past decades, China’s economy has emerged tremendously. Contrary to this is the relatively slower pace of the moral development, thus causing a interest-oriented social atmosphere. By the term interest-oriented, I intend to say that I have witnessed countless examples of parents forcing their kids to join different workshops at weekends, even if it actually violates the kids’ will. This phenomenon, at first thought, might be interpreted as experienced parents preparing the young for the future competition, but a second thought reveal the potential harmfulness. If parents, typically regarded as the bridge between their kids and the society ,force their young to do things only for the sake of future interest, they might possibly be telling their children that grown-ups' world is nothing more than getting and protecting your own interest. If every single children grow up in such kind of interested-oriented society, you can hardly expect the society to develop any more.

What's more, for the same reason, the development of interpersonal ties will also be at stake, since the children in such a society will probably develop into indifferent, self-centered adults.If we still adopt this kind of way to raise our kids, we might be expecting a retrogression of our society, whether in the consideration of economies or moralities.

However, the writer is too pessimistic about today's children guidance, and he over-stated the importance of socialization. In my opinion, several other factors also contribute to the growing of a caring, responsible and well-educated citizen. For example, education prepare children with the basic knowledge to understand and make use of the world around them, the morality of a society teaches its children to be caring and responsible, and the complexity and difficulty of today's social problems shows the young that they have to be cooperative, etc.

In sum, socializing is extremely important, because it provides the children with a stage to perform--once the stage is set in the wrong manner, you can hardly expect a nice show .And other factors-including education, the teaching of morality, and the notion that cooperation is indeed important--is like the lightning and music on the stage. What parents and society should do is to make sure that all the elements of a good show is in place, and then just sit down and wait for their young's excellent performance.

作者: daisy吼吼 时间: 2010-5-30 22:23:41

我的提纲是以Unfortunately后面的展开的参考了组长的提纲，觉得用他的更好展开，逻辑连贯性上也比我原来的那个更强，采用了他的用时2小时22分 538词

   The speaker viewed that how children are socialized today determines the destiny of the society .On balance ,I approve with this statement.As I see it，socialization contains two points.The first one is the cultivation of survival skills and the ability of creation .The second one includes the development of characteristic，morals and value system.On a certain degree，the society really needs some peopple who are warmhearted ,responsible and with creative power to handle the lifeblood of the future.So I recognize that how children are socilized today determines the destiny of the society.But this is  not the only factor todecid a society’s destiny.One of the overriding reason is that the advance of society are determined on many elements.For instance, the economy devement level of most nations,the educational degree of the people and the society’s political system.
   I baisically in favor of the speaker’s assert that we have not learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.This argument can be understood as we have not learned how to socialize children.We muse admit that there are many matters exist in our society.For example,divorced parents make negative effection on children .This may results children’s mental disease and numerous juvenile delinquency. The other aspects of this problem is that material riches increasing rapidly and results in the fickleness of general mood of society while the mental word assuming flagging picture.I have seen a TV program about a mother who eagerly wanted her child to be a super star .So she didn’t consider about her child’s study and took her to disparate cities for taking part in performances.Generally speaking,this incident can be considered as a lack of cultivation on social value and human value.Sometimes people are locked behind a wall with falseness，fraud and unconcern.All these phenomena can confirm we have not totally learned how to socialize children.
   But I have an unlike opinion with the speaker.It is too assertive to say we have not learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.What’s the exactd definition of ‘we have learned how to raise children’ ?The speaker have fuzzes this issue.Anyway ,it is a lengthy progress which changes upon different parents.We can know this from a yong girl named Adora Svitak in America who is regarded as the cleverest girl in the world by the media.For she readed a various of books since she was three years old and then published her first book at eight .She told the spectators in a program that her success on writing due to her parents’ support .They have never limited my hobby,she said.This can be used to account for otherness consists in different families.Just as a piano player may hopes his child to be a artist while a businessman wanted his child to be a successful merchant.
   In conclusion, Responsibility,benevolence and correct human value should be tought to children..Though society needs successor,the man mustn’t be perfect in every territories. Still ,one thing is clear, how to raise children who can help bring about a better society has no specfic definiton the society is progressing .We are always learening .Not as the speaker’s assertion that we have not learned how to raise a socialized children.

作者: Lil'天 时间: 2010-5-30 23:19:01

第一篇issue.果然比argument难写的多找例子确实是件棘手的事找了半天也没找到很合适的就把小时候写作文的例子用上了呵呵觉得例子很无力。各位多提宝贵建议呵呵。
Issue 130:
   Both point of view from the author's is plausible. There has sprung up a long-running debate as to whether or not socialize level determines social development, and the problem about that how can we instruct children to build a better society. In a certain sense, the degree in which children are socialized is actually influence the destiny of society, but not determine. In the other claim, we spare no efforts to develop the measures in education, we have not been for nothing.
   As a part of the society, children are the future. A individual who grow up in society has a significant influents from the society. If a children want to have a foothold in society in his future, he is obliged to learn some basic abilities to support himself whether he like it or not. In other word, everyone in society have to understand social norms, follow social rules, adapt society then improve the society. For instance, as is well-known, after Vietnam War many Vietnam veterans could not be socially adaptable. Due to the fact that they didn't have enough ability to support themselves, they ran to the streets.
   However, socialization is only one way to influence children who would contribute to a better society. We should never, on any account, ignore other important ways such as moral, mentalities, hobbies, interests and so on which play significant roles in individuals' developing. Like Albert Einstein said" interest is the beat teacher". Only by teaching a person in accordance of their aptitude, we can educate a real valuable individual to the society and make society more various and civilized.And individualized teaching could give persons more opportunity succeed in their career. Like Charles Robert Darwin, his early interest in nature and observing insects led him investigate the transmutation of species and conceived his theory of natural selection in 1838.
   Finaly, as far as I'm concerned, we aren't ignorant of how to raise children who can help bring about a better society at all, and our education isn't good for nothing. In the historical endless flow of human society, we continuous improvement on children's education with advancing of science and technology.In this process, outstanding person form generation to generation make great efforts to make our society harmonious and brighter. Almost of them had received systematic and scientific education such as John von Neumann, Niels Bohr,"Bill" Clinton and so on. These example which I mentioned above strongly prove that our education is successful in some aspects.So we just need to make our current education methods more scientific and reasonable.
   To sum up, there are many factors contributing to raise children who can better society. We should pay more attention to education and take more factors into consideration.

作者: orionbelt 时间: 2010-5-31 00:09:50

感觉自己废话太多了，不着重点。。。且句式单调，词汇贫乏。例子单薄。。。

ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

WORDS: 648
   The author claims that the destiny of the society is mainly depend on how the young are socialized today and our education is weak on teaching children how to blend in social to make it a better developing one. In my point of view, however, I don't completely agree with the author since his conclusion is a little arbitrary. The regulars how a society develops are too complex to ascribe it too just one aspect even though the socialization of children is an important one and much we have done in our education system to ensure an effectual socialization of the teenagers.
   It has been realized by the author that a good enough socialization of children promote the progress of the society, which is also what I strongly support. The human beings have long been a community-based specie ever since they were still apes, that's just one of the reasons why we human beings became the most successful species around the world since 3.8 billion yeas age when first life born. With the deep and rapid development of economy science and technology, the whole earth is connected so closely and tightly that are called the "earth village", in which communication among peoples become more and more frequent that most of people have to learn to be socialized to cooperate with others in a team efficiently because of the desire of a happy life in the modern society full of fierce competition. That's just the power pushing forward the society to a more advanced civilization.
   However, it's not wise to exaggerate the effects of anything including the socialization of children when other factors interrelated with society progress are considered thoroughgoing, such as a high effective and efficient political institution, a complete law system, a high level of science and technology, a perfect finance system and so on. The rise of Russian and Japan in the late eighteenth centuries approve the importance of an enlightened polity for society development when their conversions from feudal society to capitalist society are considered. Meanwhile grasping the opportunities of the second industrial revolution, attaching great importance to science and technology and valuing University education makes American and Germany the first and the second developed country after exceeding the Great Britain Empire. We can draw conclusions that a highly evolutionary finance system is of considerable value from the fact that Venture Capitals supply essential funds for the establishing of innovative high-tech IT companies such as Google in Internet times. In brief, the destiny of society is determined by diverse elements, but not just what the author think.
   Nevertheless, I recognize the importance of socialization of children as I have discussed in the second passage. Therefore I am in favour with the idea we should not neglect the education of socialization, but it doesn't mean that I agree with the author's view that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. In schools are wide varieties of clubs or activities, for example, football clubs, music bands, volunteer activities, environment protect projects, helping for children to practice their social skills by encountering people with diverse characters. The time one can only learned knowledges from school without improving personal social abilities has gone forever and would never be back. The "Global Youth Leaders", who have outstanding achievements and high social responsibility,  elected by "Dados world economic forum" every year strongly prove our success in society education for the young. Even though they come from all over the world, they come together to bring about a better society. Apparently the author is worried to excess on the education nowadays.
   Consequently, from what I have analyzer above, a well education in socialization for children should be hold on to keep the society going on, but it aslo should be pointed out that it's not the only or even the decisive way.

作者: caiyunjiao 时间: 2010-5-31 11:09:02

好不容易才凑够字数……幸亏有提纲，要不写的我都不知所云了，请一楼的童鞋猛拍！尤其是逻辑关联和结构，当然还有语言……

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
WORDS: 556 TIME: 01:29:28 DATE: 2010/5/31 星期一 10:59:05

Although the speaker asserts that we have not yet mastered the measures of teaching children how to be socialized in order to create a better society, in my observation, it depends on what determines the destiny of society and the empirical evidence.

Firstly, I want to clarify a definition of socialization. It has two parts: association with others and having conscientiousness and sense of society worth. It is essential to us as human beings are social type species and we cannot survive on our nature attribute so that we must absorb social information and culture through socialization in order to communicate with others and enter into society as well as have responsibility for society.

Secondly, the destiny of society consists of many ingredients on which the extent to how we raise children to bring about a better society lies. Although I concede that the socialization is important, neither is socialization the only factor of determining the destiny of society, nor is the chief one. Only making children socialized may shape children to a same mold. I may take some Chinese students under drug-taking education system as an example. They may have high scores in school but are poor in other respects so they can't become well-trained professionals. In consideration of this, we also have to do something with children's health, outlook on life, broad-minded of world and so forth. Only raising children through every aspect can we bring about a better society.

Admittedly, although we are in an era of information explosion and a developing society with fluent education source and people's ability of independent addressing issues is better than before, the children cannot behave in a way which is acceptable in the society. We have powerful experience in how to cultivate one's private ability but fail to make children well socialized. Such as graduated students have gained a lot of knowledge, but when they go to work they can't have teamwork with others so that they can't express their brilliant which raise the waste of talent persons.

Yet, considering the development of our society, we may carry a conclusion that t is not proper to claim that we have not learned how to raise children to make a better society. A case in point is that Charlie Simpson, who is a seven years old schoolboy from Fulham, south London, England, is known for his fundraising efforts in the wake of the 2010 Haiti earthquake whose fundraising effort gained national and then international coverage, and by the end of the day of his sponsored bicycle ride his JustGiving webpage had amassed donations of over $96,700 from donors all over the world. It is also reinforced by the fact that social prosperity, culture variety and freedom in life.

Finally, I would state a fact that there are no accurate standards in how we have well educated the children. What we only can do is to seek to access the goal of finding a desirable way to bring about a better society.

In the main, despite some loss in children's socialization, the fact is not limited to the failing in raising children who can help bring about a better society, as the speaker might have us believed. The fact is that we have done well in children's education and we are trying our best to reach that goal.

作者: caiyunjiao 时间: 2010-5-31 22:51:00

6# orionbelt
ISSUE130 -"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society.Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bringabout a better society."

WORDS: 648
   The author claims that the destiny of the society ismainly depend on how the young are socialized today and our education is weakon teaching children how to blend in social to makeit a better developing one. In my point of view, however, I don't completely agree with the author since hisconclusion is a little arbitrary. Theregulars how a society develops are too complex to ascribe it(是否多余？) to just one aspect even though thesocialization of children is an important one and muchwe have done in our education system to ensure an effectualsocialization of the teenagers.
   It has been realized by the author that a goodenough socialization of children promotes the progress of the society, which isalso what I strongly support. The human beings havelong been a community-based specie ever since they were still apes, that's justone of the reasons why we human beings became the most successful speciesaround the world since 3.8 billion yeas age when first life born. Withthe deep and rapid development of economyscience and technology, the whole earth is connected so closely and tightlythat are called the "earth village", in which communication amongpeoples become more and more frequent that most of people have to learn to besocialized to cooperate with others in a team efficiently because of the desireof a happy life in the modern society full of fierce competition. That's justthe power pushing forward the society to a more advanced civilization.
   However, it's not wiseto exaggerate the effects of anything including the socialization ofchildren when other factors interrelated with society progress are consideredthoroughgoing, such as a high effective and efficient politicalinstitution, a complete law system, a high level of science and technology, aperfect finance system and so on. The rise of Russian and Japan in the lateeighteenth centuries approves（注意主谓一致） the importance of an enlightened polityfor society development when their conversions from feudal society tocapitalist society are considered. Meanwhile,
graspingthe opportunities of the second industrial revolution and（逗号不能连接两个句子） attaching great importance toscience and technology and valuing University education makes American andGermany the first and the second developed country after exceeding the GreatBritain Empire. We can draw conclusions that a highly evolutionary financesystem is of considerable value from the fact that Venture Capitals supplyessential funds for the establishing of innovative high-tech IT companies suchas Google in Internet times. In brief, the destiny of society is determined bydiverse elements, but not just what the author think.
   Nevertheless, I recognize the importance ofsocialization of children as I have discussed in the second passage. Therefore I am in favorwith the idea we should not neglect theeducation of socialization, but it doesn't meanthat I agree with the author's view that we have not yet learned how toraise children who can help bring about a better society. In schools are widevarieties of clubs or activities, for example, football clubs, music bands,volunteer activities, environment protect projects, helping for children topractice their social skills by encountering people with diverse characters.The time one can only learned knowledge fromschool without improving personal social abilities hasgone forever and would never be back. The "Global YouthLeaders", who have outstanding achievements and high socialresponsibility, elected by "Dados world economic forum" everyyear strongly prove our success in society education for the young. Even thoughthey come from all over the world, they come together to bring about a bettersociety. Apparently the author is worried to excess on the education nowadays.
   Consequently, from what I have analyzer above, awell education in socialization for children should be hold on to keep thesociety going on, but it also should be pointedout that it's not the only or even the decisive way.

主题：社会化不是唯一因素

论点：
1、支持社会化重要。从古到今社会化都很重要。
2、社会化不是唯一因素，举了三个例子分别说明了政治，机会和财政的重要性。
3、不同意作者第二句话。其他方面的教育也使孩子社会化了。并举例说明。

评语：老大不会是牛人，太sao了！sao人一个！读起来，尤其是前两段，感觉特别地道，一些平凡的句子也用到了我感觉自己能掌握的极致，不愧为老大！观点鲜明，逻辑通顺，并且衔接词用的自然，句式多变，看到很多长句，例子也极大地丰富了文章。
我看到了自己和老大的gap，努力向老大学习！

注：红笔为我的批改，蓝笔为我认为值得我学习的地方

作者: daisy吼吼 时间: 2010-5-31 22:51:48

本帖最后由 daisy吼吼于 2010-5-31 22:56 编辑

3# fanyue3014568

I want first to make clear about the key concept--socialization. According to my understanding, the process of socializing, or becoming socialized, can be divided into two parts. One is the education and guidance society offers to youngsters,and the other is the establishments of interpersonal ties among them(指代不太清楚). Both parts play important roles in shaping children's personality, their（前面有了children这里不用了吧？） outlook on value, world and life. Given these facts, we can safely draw the conclusion that once any of the two parts goes in the wrong way, our society suffers and risks going into the dead corner.

What's more, for the same reason, the development of interpersonal ties will also be at stake, since the children in such a （不需泛指了，有也没错）society will probably develop into indifferent, self-centered adults.If we still adopt this kind of way to raise our kids, we might be expecting a retrogression of our society, whether in the consideration of economies or moralities.

1首段让步+转折提出社会命运由很多因素决定

2 理解socialization的概念为下文铺垫

举出说明不同社会时期socialization对年轻一代的影响，但是我觉得这个例子和上文作者对socialization概念的连接算不上是个很好的连接，因为例子貌似是讲socialization对青年一代不好的影响，倒是感觉与下文的观点有关，不知道是不是我没读懂~~供讨论
3 对we have not learned how to raise children ....观点做展开，这个我学习啦，因为觉得在这个论点上同意有话可写。

想提几点意见，嘻嘻，首先这个逻辑衔接上不是很清楚明了，可能作者脑海里有思路，不过我们要让阅卷人看明白我们的思路呢。另外一个就是可能我们都出现了的问题，就是对词汇的驾驭，这点我自己做得很不好，主动词掌握很少，脑海里出来汉语想不出多样化的英语表达，所以拖延了时间

作者: orionbelt 时间: 2010-6-1 11:29:19

本帖最后由 orionbelt 于 2010-6-1 11:33 编辑

对李天的issue的修改
Issue 130:
   Both point of view from the author's is plausible. There has sprung up a long-running debate as to whether or not socialize(socialize是动词，这里应该用名词形式socialization吧) level determines social development, and the problem about that how can we instruct children to build a better society. In a certain sense, the degree in which children are socialized is（去掉）actually influence the destiny of society, but not determine. In the other claim, we spare no efforts to develop the measures in education, we have not been for nothing.

第一段清楚明了，首先提出了问题，然后清晰地指明了论题的不妥并表达了自己的观点
   As a part of the society, children are the future. A individual who grow up in society has a significant influents（influence） from the society（have an influence from sth 觉得有些别扭，表达被动地影响用 under the influence of sth 比较好）. If a children（child） want to have a foothold in society in his future, he is obliged to learn some basic abilities to support himself whether he like it or not. In other word, everyone in society have to understand social norms, follow social rules, adapt（to）society then improve the society. For instance, as is well-known, after Vietnam War many Vietnam veterans could not be socially adaptable. Due to the fact that they didn't have enough ability to support themselves, they ran to the streets 我不知道这个怎么理解，请解释一下.
这一段指出了孩子的社会化对孩子自身发展了重要作用，例子恰当。但是好像没有明显指出对社会发展的作用，毕竟个人的成功和社会的进步之间没有完全的联系
   However, socialization is only one（only one 是不是表示是唯一的？好像与想要表达的意思相反。感觉这里用not the only way或者just one of the ways比较好） way to influence children who would contribute to a better society. We should never, on any account, ignore other important ways such as moral, mentalities, hobbies, interests and so on which play significant roles in individuals' developing. Like Albert Einstein said" interest is the beat（best）teacher". Only by teaching a person in accordance of（with）their aptitude, we can（此处应该倒装can we）educate（感觉educate用在此处不太恰当，此处意思应该是“培养出”，用educate总感觉缺乏一个变化的过程，好像本来就是a real valuable individual ）a real valuable individual to the society and make society more various and civilized.And individualized teaching could give persons more opportunity（to）succeed in their career. Like Charles Robert Darwin, his early interest in nature and observing insects led him
to
investigating（发现了而不是调查 discovery 或者 unearth）the transmutation（进化evolution）of species and conceived his theory of natural selection in 1838.

这一段指明了孩子的社会化不是孩子成功的唯一决定因素，并阐述了其他影响孩子发展的重要因素，同时强调了社会化的反面——个性化对孩子的成长也有着重要的影响。例子也很恰当。但是好像没有扣紧第一段的论点——孩子的社会化不是决定社会命运的唯一因素，似乎偏离了主题。
   Finaly, as far as I'm concerned, we aren't ignorant of how to raise children who can help bring about a better society at all, and our education isn't good for nothing. In the historical endless flow of human society, we （谓语？）continuous improvement on children's education with advancing of（advanced？）science and technology.
In this process, outstanding person（people）form generation to generation make great efforts to make our society harmonious and brighter. Almost（Most）of them had received systematic and scientific education such as John von Neumann, Niels Bohr,
Bill Clinton and so on. These examples which I mentioned above strongly prove that our education is successful in some aspects.
So we just need to make our current education methods more scientific and reasonable.
这一段论证了我们的教育是成功的，着眼于历史，例子恰当，说服力强。不过我有个疑问，也请大家讨论一下，原论题中提到我们不知道怎样把孩子培养成对社会有利的人，是指不知道如何有效地对孩子进行社会化，还是指教育的全部方面？
   To sum up, there are many factors contributing to raise children who can better society. We should pay more attention to education and take more factors into consideration.

简洁有力的总结了论点，但是还是第三段提到的问题，似乎和首段论点不一致。
   用的比较好的短语和很到位的词汇已经在文中用蓝色标出

作者: elenalsh 时间: 2010-6-1 20:19:11

本帖最后由 elenalsh 于 2010-6-1 20:20 编辑

7# caiyunjiao

Although the speaker asserts that we have not yet mastered the measures of teaching children how to be socialized in order to create a better society, in my observation, it depends on what determines the destiny of society and the empirical evidence.
很漂亮的开头，既叙述了作者论点又明确阐述了自己的观点，言简意赅。学习了~

Firstly, I want to clarify a definition of socialization. It has two parts: association with others and having conscientiousness and sense of society worth.（对于社会化所定义的两个方面叙述的似乎不够明确，感觉理解起来会有歧义） It is essential to us as human beings are social type species and we cannot survive on our nature attribute so that we must absorb social information and culture through socialization in order to communicate with others and enter into society as well as have responsibility for society.

Secondly, the destiny of society consists of many ingredients on which the extent to how we raise children to bring about a better society lies. Although I concede that the socialization is important, neither is socialization the only factor of determining the destiny of society, nor is the chief one. Only making children socialized may shape children to a same mold. I may take some Chinese students under drug-taking education system as an example. They may have high scores in school but are poor in other respects so they can't become well-trained professionals.（我觉得，这个中国学生的例子中没有表现出社会化的不利影响，它只是说明了学生没有个性，忽略学习外的其他方面，似乎有点脱离社会化的问题，或者明确其与社会化之间的关系，这个有待考虑） In consideration of this, we also have to do something with children's health, outlook on life, broad-minded of world and so forth. Only raising children through every aspect can we bring about a better society.

Admittedly, although we are in an era of information explosion and a developing society with fluent education source and people's ability of independent addressing issues is better than before, the children cannot behave in a way which is acceptable in the society. We have powerful experience in how to cultivate one's private ability but fail to make children well socialized. Such as graduated students have gained a lot of knowledge, but when they go to work they can't have teamwork with others so that they can't express their brilliant which raise the waste of talent persons.

Yet, considering the development of our society, we may carry a conclusion that it is not proper to claim that we have not learned how to raise children to make a better society. A case in point is that Charlie Simpson, who is a seven years old schoolboy from Fulham, south London, England, is known for his fundraising efforts in the wake of the 2010 Haiti earthquake whose fundraising effort gained national and then international coverage, and by the end of the day of his sponsored bicycle ride his JustGiving webpage had amassed donations of over $96,700 from donors all over the world. It is also reinforced by the fact that social prosperity, culture variety and freedom in life.

Finally, I would state a fact that there are no accurate standards in how we have well educated the children. What we only can do is to seek to access the goal of finding a desirable way to bring about a better society.

In the main, despite some loss in children's socialization, the fact is not limited to the failing in raising children who can help bring about a better society, as the speaker might have us believed. The fact is that we have done well in children's education and we are trying our best to reach that goal.

基本思路：
1．社会化定义==》人们需要融入社会，了解自己存在的意义
2．（例）中国学生千篇一律的只注重成绩，忽视其他方面，对于工作很不利==》社会化重要，但对于社会发展不是起决定作用==》其他重要方面
3．毕业生有知识，但不适应社会，影响其发展==》当代的学生没有能够使用社会，社会化程度不够==》（例）Charlie Simpson ==》人们不必担心自己的教育方式(文章的侧重点)
我认为条理写的很清晰，除了批注的那个例子有待考虑外，思路还是很明确的。而且有很多例子的支持。语言功底很不错哦~~我要好好向你学习了~呵呵

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