伶女作文贴～～～

saixiaqiuUID: 2821993

There is a general debate on businessmen over the question that if they are only motivated by desire of money. A large numberof people tend to live under the illusion that money is the only reason that pushes businessmen to chase success. In fact, they fail to take into account thatmoney is merely a small part in a businessman’s career. From my perspective,money couldn’t be the only motivation for several reasons as follows:（个人感觉，TOEFL不是GRE作文，开篇陈述观点即可，没必要写太多的铺垫） 6 ~0 P8 _+ d- _
To begin with, money might not be a motivationat all. I would like to take Bill Gates, one of the richest businessmen in theworld, for example. He was a student in Harvard University when he was young. Asit is（？） known to all that degree from Harvard almost guarantee for bright future of goodcompanies, steady work and high salaries. But Gates dropped school and establishedhis own workplace to pursue his dream on computer and software. He chose toface and challenge an unknown future instead of a fluent life with a good job. Thereby,if he was motivated only by desire of money, he shouldn’t have left Harvard. ToBill Gates, money might never be a motivation.（个人觉得，这个例子恰恰证明商人重钱财……）
Furthermore, many other factors that motivatebusinessmen to achieve should be taken into consideration.（具体有哪些factors呢？我觉得还是具体一点比较好） In Darwin’s theoryof evolution, excellent species that are able to adapt environment well will be keep to further development while other species will turn down and evendisappear. It makes sense in market, too. Business seems like a war related thematter of life and death. Only winner can stay. So there are variety of challengesmotivate businessmen to win their war. And during this procedure, they gainconfidence, realize their weak points and improve themselves, which will also transformto motivation when next challenge comes. In my opinion, all the motivation mentionedabove are much more meaningful than the desire of money to businessmen.

From what we have been discussed, we maysafely draw the conclusion that, although some people deem that businessmen are motivated by desire of money, money might not be a motivation at all and thereare many other meaningful motivation for businessmen to achieve their goal

伶女UID: 2797207

7.22（08.10.25NA）
Do you agree or disagree with the followingstatement? Students who keep their rooms neat and organized will be more likelyto succeed than students who do not.



It is widely believed that keeping rooms neatand organized reflects a person’s quality in both his/her life and career. Therebysome people deem that for students who keep their rooms in order are supposedto succeed comparing to the ones that don’t have neat rooms. But other peopletend to believe that the assertion above which only depends on one aspectshould be doubted. Whether students’ rooms are neat or not couldn’t convince theirfuture. From my perspective, I don’t agree with the statement in terms of mypersonal experience and emotion.

To begin with, I would like to take my bestfriend, Marlene, for example. She is good at study and has great enthusiasmupon her major-architecture. Every year she wins the first place among hundredsof people for she always makes excellent models that perfectly conveying theconcept of her design. Fortunately, I have seen those models in the exhibitionat her school. They are so beautiful and unbelievable that every piece match toeach other perfectly. It is incredible that they are made all by hand. However,to me, the most incredible thing is it is accomplished by Marlene who cannoteven neat up her own chaotic room. But at that time I understood that shedevoted herself into her study and had no time to deal with daily stuff likegetting her room in order. So how could you determine that she won’t besuccessful in the future only rely on her unorganized room. Therefore, room ismerely one aspect of a person that isn’t far enough to give a definition.

On the other hand, although we should admitthat owning an organized room actually reflect some qualities such as patience,rational thinking and self-control that might be helpful to success, there are stillmany other factors. For instance, perseverance is a necessary quality for us toaccomplish something; courage is also precious because it makes us to face difficultiesand challenges. Those qualities can lead to success as well.

To sum up, neat room is only one aspect thatis not enough to convince a person’s quality and even other qualities like perseveranceand courage can lead students to success. Finally, we can confidently draw theconclusion that the statement is not true.

lastgirlUID: 2857776

It is widely believed that keeping rooms neat and organized reflects a person’s quality in both （both in） his/her life and career. Thereby some people deem that for students who keep their rooms in order are supposed to be more likely to succeed than those who don’t. But other people tend to believe that the assertion above which only depends on one aspect should be doubted. Whether students’ rooms are neat or not couldn’t convince(forcast) their future. From my perspective, I don’t agree with the statement in terms of my personal experience and emotion.8 N( A. C0 h3 I+ })

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To begin with, I would like to take my bestfriend, Marlene, for example. She is good at study and has great enthusiasm upon her major-architecture. Every year she wins the first place among hundreds of people for (because/since)she always makes excellent models that perfectly conveying the concept of her design. Fortunately, I have seen those models in the exhibitionat at her school. They are so beautiful and unbelievable that every piece match to each other perfectly.(so...that指的是太。。。而。。。此句用法不当。you can say：“Every piece match to each other perfectly.They are so beautiful that it's unbelievable ”) It is incredible that they are made all by hand(句意重复). However,to me, the most incredible thing is that it is accomplished by Marlene who cannot even neat up her own chaotic room. But（有转折关系么） at that time I understood that she devoted herself into her study and had no time to deal with daily stuff（不确定用法对不对） like getting her room in order. So how could you determine that she won’t be successful in the future career only rely on her unorganized room？ Therefore, whether the room is neat or not means merely one aspect of a person that isn’t far enough to give a criteria to one's future.

On the other hand, although we should admit that owning an organized room actually reflect some qualities such as patience,rational thinking and self-control that might be helpful to success, there are stillmany other factors. For instance, perseverance is a necessary quality for us toaccomplish something; courage is also precious because it makes us to face difficulties and challenges. Those qualities can lead to success as well.

To sum up, Keeping room neat or not is only one aspect showing some of one's qualities that is not enough to convince(这个词的示意是使确信，说服) a person’s other quality and even other qualities like perseveranceand， courage and 。。that can lead students to success. Finally, we can confidently draw the conclusion that the statement is （over-stated/arbitrary）not true.

红字：个人感觉欠妥,另外我觉得文章结构不是很好。例子单薄。开头也过多。建议修改。
粉色：个人感觉用得比较好
很不好意思，上次我传错了。。。我也写的这篇。。如果您有空就帮忙看下，没空的话不看也行~~不好意思了。

伶女UID: 2797207

7.24（08.12.05NA）
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Sports teach people lessons about life.

Sports, as a sort of entertainment to the public, are playing important role in people’s life. No matter watching a sport game or participating in by our own, sports will definitely give people lessons both in the game and real life.

Most lessons that we can learn from sport games such as perseverance and teamwork are also useful in daily life. For instance, Germans show people how important teamwork is in World Cup 2010. They don’t have star players like Kaka in Brazil and famous coach like Maradona in Argentina. But they achieved in wonderful performance of their teamwork with rational formation and well-cooperation among team members. In people’s daily life, teamwork also helps to success. And in the case of German, we can see the key point of teamwork is rational division of the work and cooperation with each other instead of being outstanding for personal performance. Thereby next time if we work or study in a group, we will know how to promote the efficiency of the team.

Besides, a sport game is similar to a mini show of real life, which teaches us how to conquer difficulties. Take my personal experience for example. My class’s soccer team always got high scores in the soccer competition of our university. So when then final competition came, we all felt so confident to win that didn’t play as careful as before. Then we kicked the ball into our own door accidental. After that our disappointment influenced our performance and we lose the game. As to real life, we may expect something too much but be frustrating about the result like this. Sports games provide us precious opportunities to learn how to deal with those feelings and handle the problems such like this.

To sum up, through sports not only can we attain some qualities that are useful in real life but also find ways to conquer difficulties. Consequently, sports teach people much about life.

siehahaUID: 2668909

:lol  改了下 加油 早点睡咯～

serena-blueUID: 2811284

结构清晰，如果结尾处能够再有力一点就更好了，加油哦。。。
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Sports teach people lessons about life. 5 m3 c0 T# ]' y5 p
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Sports, as a(删除） sort of entertainment to the public, are playing important role in people’s life. No matter watching a sport game or participating in （+it） by our own, sports will definitely give people lessons both in the game and（in） real life.
    Most lessons that we can learn from sport games such as perseverance and teamwork are also useful in daily life. For instance, Germans show people how important teamwork is in World Cup 2010. They don’t have star players like Kaka in Brazil and famous coach like Maradona in Argentina. But they achieved in（ 删除）wonderful performance of their teamwork with rational formation and well-cooperation among team members. In people’s daily life, teamwork also helps to success. And in the case of German, we can see the key point of teamwork is rational division of the work and cooperation with each other instead of being outstanding for(in) personal performance. Thereby next time if we work or study in a group, we will know how to promote the efficiency of the team.1 [+ m2 u4 q( a( v8 y9 F( d2 ^' ~
' \; |( A2 s8 `
Besides, a sport game is similar to a mini show of real life, which teaches us how to conquer difficulties. Take my personal experience for example. My class’s soccer team always got high scores in the soccer competition of our university. So when then final competition came, we all felt so confident to win that didn’t play as careful(ly) as before. Then we kicked the ball into our own door accidental(ly). After that our disappointment influenced our performance and we lose(lost) the game. As to real life, we may expect something too much but be frustrating about the result like this. Sports games provide us precious opportunities to learn how to deal with those feelings and handle the problems such(删除） like this.# X5 N  F- l+ M

To sum up, through sports not only can we attain some qualities that are useful in real life but also find ways to conquer difficulties. Consequently, sports teach people much about life.

高小鱼UID: 2714619

几点意见供参考哈~

伶女UID: 2797207

7月27日交! W- z7 {# O- C5H0 P
(09.01.17 NA
)Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Advertising is the most important cause of unhealthy eating habits

Along with the development ofpeople’s modern life, more people tend to pay attention to their quality oflife. And eating habit undoubtedly plays a significant role. But stillunhealthy eating habits are common in all ages. Some people blame this inadvertising as the most important cause for all kinds of food advertisement arealmost ubiquitous in people’s daily life. Nevertheless, I’m in favor that thereare still many other causes and advertising wouldn’t be the most important one.

We have to admit thatadvertisement actually influence people’s life in some way. But decision ofwhat to eat is made by people. Although variety advertisements on TV, in theradio or posted on the street have become a part of people’s life which will definitelyinfluence people’s choice on food, some investigation show that this is temporary.At first people may go into rapture at the mere glimpse of the seeminglydelicious food in advertisement. After trying a few times, things will changebecause the food is always not as good as it suppose to be. Thereby theattraction by advertisement will fade away soon and won’t come back in mostcases. As a result, advertisement couldn’t affect people’s eating behavior in along run so that it wouldn’t be a main factor on eating habits.

There are many other factors we musttake into account. Take children for example. Almost every child doesn’t have agood eating habit as it known to all, even though the parents will make a dietfor them. They are lack in self-control so that only pick what they like themost, which absolutely has negative impact on health. Additionally, some adultsalso have this kind of inclination. Besides, an increasing number of peoplelive in fast pace. For them, work is firstly to consider and plan for regularor healthy eating schedule seems to waste their time. Of course they havealready realized the problem, but the solution should be put apart for theirwork.

From what we have been discussedabove, we may safely draw the conclusion that, although advertisement have somenegative impact on people’s eating habits, it wouldn’t consider to be the mostimportant one.

yozujUID: 2736441

伶女
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Advertising is the most important cause of unhealthy eating habits

Along with the development of people’s modern life, more people tend to pay attention to their quality of life. And eating habit undoubtedly plays a significant role. But still unhealthy eating habits are common in all ages stage. Some people blame this in advertisement as the most important cause for（这个for应该表达的是因为的意思吧，那么换一个吧，因为前面是cause， cause for 很容易引起歧义） all kinds of food advertisement are almost ubiquitous in people’s daily life. (这个长句相当别扭啊，食物广告的普遍不能说明它应该受到责难，而可以说它泛滥 overflow 或者说信口雌黄 make irresponsible remarks/promise) Nevertheless, I’m in favor that there are still many other causes and advertising wouldn’t这里用shouldn’t比较好 be the most important one.（这个转折很生硬，另外这个转折要是有简短的几点列出来去支持比较好）
We have to admit that advertisement actually influence people’s life in some way. But decision of what to eat is made by people. Although variety advertisements on TV, in the radio or posted on the street have become a part of people’s life which will definitely influence people’s choice on food, some investigations show that this is temporary.（最好说一下调查机构是否有权威性，比如世界卫生组织之类的） At first people may go into rapture at the mere glimpse of the seemingly delicious food in advertisement. After trying a few times, things will change （things 换成choices比较好或者人们的热情） because the food is always not as good as it is supposed to be. Thereby the attraction by advertisement will fade away soon and won’t come back in most cases. As a result, advertisement couldn’t affect people’s eating behavior in a long run so that it wouldn’t be a main factor on eating habits.（因为我持的观点跟你是相反的，所以我觉得这个理由有很多漏洞，广告也不是一成不变的，不停地换代言人推陈出新的食品饮料，再加上消费群也是变化的，一拨人刚失去了热情，另一群人又蜂拥而至。不能把广告看得太死。当然用你的观点去看待广告，可以从人的喜新厌旧的心理去谈广告，但事实上会走偏，因为这一段里你没有提到“eating habit”到底是什么，广告吸引人们去尝试新出品的食物这并不是bad eating habit，所以我的文章里就先给它定了义，防止跑偏。）

There are many other factors we must take into account. Take children for example. Almost every child doesn’t have a good eating habit as it is known to all, even though the parents will make a diet for them. They are lack in self-control so that they only pick what they like the most, which absolutely has a negative impact on health. Additionally, some adults also have this kind of inclination. Besides, an increasing number of people live in fast pace. For them, work is firstly to consider （take the first place这样表达比较好）and making plans for regular or healthy eating schedule seems to waste their time. Of course they have already realized the problem, but the solution are always should be put apart away for their work.（这一段是提到了bad eating habit但是cause 却提得很少，只是说小孩没有自制能力，大人工作繁忙，有没有更重要的原因可以拿出来说呢？）

From what we have been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that, although advertisement have some negative impact on（这个表达之前用过很多次就不要再用了） people’s eating habits, it wouldn’t consider to be the most important one.
结尾较弱，可能我受到GRE作文影响较深，我觉得结尾段必须总结每段中心思想。
我水平一般以上是我的拙见，语言方面多看些范文会有帮助的，思想方面我觉得我还是比较倾向于哪个有更多的素材我就写哪个。

伶女UID: 2797207

谢谢指出问题～～辛苦ls啦～～～

伶女UID: 2797207

7月29日交
（09.01.23 NA） Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Young people should try several different jobs before they take a long term career.

When it comes to the choices of career for young people, a hot controversy on whether they should try different jobs before taking a long term career emerges. Some people deem that devoting oneself into only one career will contribute to his/her future achievement in that area instead of wasting time on other jobs; others believe that variety experience from different jobs will help young people to make wiser decision on their career. In my opinion, how to make choice depends on different individuals.

To begin with, I would like to set my friend, Hong, for example. She decided to be an interior designer at 17 since she found herself have great enthusiasm in that area. So she worked hard and prepared a lot before high school graduation and successed in entering Rhode Island School of Design, one of the best university of design around the world. And now after 4 year study, as an excellent graduation, she has began her career in a design institute even though she is only 22, while most of my friends are still wondering about their future. As Hong, interior designer is her first but also the last job in her life. She doesn’t want to try other jobs because interior designer is her dream which she had realize since she was 17. Thereby other job experience is completely not necessary to her. The earlier she starts her career, the greater success she will probably achieve. For this kind of youth, starting their career as soon as possible is undoubtedly the best choice.

However, we have to admit that not everyone could find out what they want to be in early ages. As to this kind of young people, different kinds of jobs experience will help them figure out what they would like to take as a life-long career rather than being trapped in the first career that they don’t interested in for the whole life. Besides, variety kinds of job provide variety kinds of life experience, which will contribute to individual development and might be helpful to latter long term career as well.

As a consequence, extra job experience is not necessary for the young people that already own their dream to chase. And taking different kinds of jobs will be a wiser choice to other youth for their latter long term career decision and their personal development.

longxue26UID: 2687755

首先谢谢伶女给我主动改作文   我也过来瞅瞅你的27号的作文  水平有限 多包涵 呵呵

7-27的作文

Along with the development of people’s modern life, more people tend to pay attention to their quality of life. And eating habit undoubtedly plays a significant role. But still <加个,怎么样>unhealthy eating habits are common in all ages. Some people blame this in<blame on..吧> advertising as the most important cause for all kinds of food advertisement are almost ubiquitous in people’s daily life<这句好长  汉语意思明白 但是这么说肯定不妥>. Nevertheless, I’m in favor that there are still<still又出现了 可以换下 also啦 at the same time啦> many other causes and advertising wouldn’t be the most important one<后半句不说也成>.

We have to admit that advertisement actually influence people’s life in some way. But <我觉得加上the更强调吧>decision of what to eat is made by people. Although variety <加上of 或者说various>advertisements on TV, in the radio or posted on the street have become a part of people’s life which will definitely influence<重复使用influence> people’s choice on food, some investigation show that this is temporary.At first people may go into rapture at the mere glimpse of the seemingly delicious food in advertisement. After trying a few times, things will change because the food is always not as good as it suppose to be. Thereby the attraction by advertisement will fade away soon and won’t come back in most cases. As a result, advertisement couldn’t<can't> affect people’s eating behavior in a long run so that<so that这里用有点不合适吧> it wouldn’t be a main factor on eating habits.

There are many other factors we must take into account. Take children for example. Almost every child doesn’t have a good eating habit as it known to all, even though the parents will<从句中不要用will吧.> make a diet for them. They are lack in self-control so that <so that用法不妥>only pick what they like the<去掉the>most, which absolutely has negative impact on health. Additionally, some adults also have this kind of inclination. Besides, an increasing number of people live in <加上a> fast pace. For them, work is firstly to consider and plan for regular or healthy eating schedule seems to waste their time. Of course they have already realized the problem, but the solution should be put apart for<from> their work.  这段, additionally, besides,这么多 就说明有东西可以再说说 如果展开些 会更丰满有力度

From what we have been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that, although advertisement have some negative impact on people’s eating habits, it wouldn’t <shouldn't be considered >consider to be the most important one.

议论有些单薄 因为例子不够 或者不充分
时态上有点小问题 改改就好了
词汇如果再丰富些会更好
整体上 结构清楚 但是力度不够 如果第三段可以加进事例 然后再分出一分论点的话 ... 个人建议而已
尽量不要在同一个小段中 重复使用副词

hove1111UID: 2571450

When it comes to the choices of career for young people, a hot controversy on whether they should try different jobs before taking a long term career emerges. Some people deem that devoting oneself into only one career will contribute to his/her future achievement in that area instead of wasting time on other jobs; （中间加个连词比较好，while）others believe that variety experience(variety 是名词，换成various比较好，experience 用复数) from different jobs will help young people to make wiser decision（复数） on their career. In my opinion, how to make choice depends on different individuals.

To begin with, I would like to set my friend, Hong, for example. She decided to be an interior designer at 17(years old) since she found herself have great enthusiasm in that area. So she worked hard and prepared a lot before high school graduation and successed (succeeded) in entering Rhode Island School of Design, one of the best university (universities) of design around the world. And now after 4 year(years) study, as an excellent graduation (graduate), she has began her career in a design institute even though she is only 22, while most of my friends are still wondering about their future. As Hong, (to be) interior designer is her first but also (and) the last job in her life. She doesn’t want to try other jobs because interior designer is her dream which she had realize(realized) since she was 17. Thereby other job experience(s) is(are) completely not necessary to her. The earlier she starts her career, the greater success she will probably achieve. For this kind of youth, starting their career as soon as possible is undoubtedly the best choice.

However, we have to admit that not everyone could find out what they want to be in early ages. As to this kind of young people, different kinds of (两个kind of结构连在一起读起来不舒服) jobs experience will help them figure out what they would like to take as a life-long career rather than being trapped in the first career that they don’t interested in for the whole life. （rather than 前后的成分最好一致，而且前后两句话都有点冗余，可以考虑改一下唷）Besides, variety kinds of job（jobs） provide variety kinds of (换一下词儿) life experience, which will contribute to individual development and might be helpful to latter long term career as well.

As a consequence, extra job experience（复数） is not necessary for the young people that already own their dream（复数） to chase. And taking different kinds of jobs will be a wiser choice to other youth（youngsters） for their latter long term career decision and their personal development.
1.请注意单复数
2.为了增加语言的生动性，避免前后用一样的修饰词，如the kind of ~~
3.中文转换英文的时候，表达的精准很重要
4.第一个例子太长，精简一下

伶女UID: 2797207

7月31日交
(09.02.21 NA)
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Newspapers and magazines are the best ways to learn about a foreign

Although as anevolution of information dissemination, internet has covered almost the whole planet,newspapers and magazines are still playing an important role in the media world.And along with the development of technology, newspapers and magazines areinclined to be more variety and wide-spreading throughout the world. Therefore,an increasing number of people live in an illusion that nowadays you can learnabout a foreign country without any outdoor activities because all theinformation is provided by newspapers and magazines. Obviously, they fail totake into account newspapers and magazines are public media, their expressionand content will be absolutely limited by many issues.

First of all, newspaperoffice is legitimate institution that supported by government, so attitude andstatement in all articles should along with the direction and policy ofgovernment. If a foreign city is encouraged to develop tourism by government thisyear, it might take up the cover of a famous tourism magazine or the front pageof a newspaper.

Second,advertisement is necessary for newspaper and magazines since ad-rate isessential to their development. Thereby, they will publicize for the sponsorsin turn. Take vogue magazines for example. As they cooperate with some organizerson fashion, the reports upon such activities are always occupied several pagesleading to the impression of fashion on that country to readers.

Last but not theleast, as a crucial section to business, market is also a matter of live anddeath toward newspaper and magazine. Considering the taste of the public, they willbe likely to include the most acceptable and popular information. Thosenegative aspects or easy-neglected details that might be vital to learn thecountry won’t be presented to readers.

As a consequence,the description on magazines and newspapers about a foreign country won’t beobjective as it suppose to be and will definitely influence readers’understanding about the country. To learn another country, you’d betterexperience it by yourself in stead of figuring it out through others’ comments.

matlab007UID: 2865031

7月29日交
（09.01.23NA） Doyou agree or disagree with the following statement? Young people should tryseveral different jobs before they take a long term career.

When it comes to the choices of career for youngpeople, a hot controversy on whether they should try different jobs beforetaking a long term career emerges. Some people deem that devoting oneself intoonly one (可以添个certain因为后面有that特指)
career will contribute to his/herfuture achievement in that area instead of wasting time on other jobs; othersbelieve that variety experience from different jobs will help young people tomake wiser decision on their career. In my opinion, how to make choice dependson different individuals.

To begin with, I would like to set my friend, Hong,for example. She decided to be an interior designer at 17 since she foundherself have great enthusiasm in that area. So she worked hard and prepared alot before high school graduation and successed in entering Rhode Island Schoolof Design, one of the best university(univeristies)of design around the world. And now after 4 year study, as an excellentgraduation, she has began her career in a design institute even though she isonly 22, while most of my friends are still wondering about their future. AsHong, interior designer is her first but also the last job in her life. Shedoesn’t want to try other jobs because interior designer is her dream which shehad realize since she was 17. Thereby other job experience is completely notnecessary to her(这句话可以再推敲一下，读起来有些生硬。或可考虑将副词后置，或可考虑换成of no value这样的名词结构). The earlier she starts hercareer, the greater success she will probably achieve. For this kind of youth,starting their career as soon as possible is undoubtedly the best choice.

However, we have to admit that not everyone couldfind out what they want to be in early ages. As to this kind of young people,different kinds of jobs experience will help them figure out what they wouldlike to take as a life-long career rather than being trapped in the firstcareer that they don’t interested in for the whole life. Besides, variety (various) kinds of job provide variety(diverse) kinds of life experience, which willcontribute to individual development and might be helpful to latter long termcareer as well.

As a consequence, extra job experience is not necessaryfor the young people that already own their dream to chase. And takingdifferent kinds of jobs will be a wiser choice to other youth for their latterlong term career decision and their personal development.

不论是结构还是语言，都值得学习。只改了几处细小的不足。第二段的例子可以适当压缩一下，第三段丰满一些，这样整个结构会更加平衡。因为是it depends的主线，所以任何一边都不宜偏颇。
能修改这样的好作文，真是很幸运呢。

                                               By_ matlab007