chenyyalex的烂作文本

louisa427UID: 2458920

已修改，欢迎相互修改！！

伊儿柠檬UID: 2761139

不好意思。。我的word文档上传不了。。。直接贴上来啦。。。
Why business people are eager to earn more money? I believe that though they have enough to live, they lost the other things that I am sure are heavier than money's price. （Chinglish）So I disagree with the statement.

First of all, the businessmen usually ignore their family. In fact, just as granite is to the sculptor, so soul is to family. If the businessmen forget their family, though having enough money to spend, they still are beggar-- the soul's beggar. Because of（Because） they have not any home（说habitat更适合） in their soul. For example, Alston, a famous banker in the Wall Street, before he takes took his own life; he is a successful challenger in the company. Although he won the entire things in the career of bank, he still choice（choose） to idioctonia. Why? Because he had not any family's love, his family member had already dead by accident, （你仔细想想你这句话有没有语病。。）he lost the indispensible love. As a result, he choice to in ruin himself. According to this example, I think that treasure  business people's family is more important than eager for more money.（没有读懂你这句话的意思）

This example is only illustration, there is deeper underlying the problem that is just motivated for earning more money, it also can lose everything after they become to ole. For instance, Eugenie Grandet, is a famous rich and stingy man. When he had an increasing number of money, he also became stingy. Because he was afraid of that someone will rob his property, he always slept with his money. Although the money was rust, he still did not want to cost use it. In addition, all the friends did not want to meet him because he was really stingy. So, Grandet lost everything except his money. In this instance, money also is harmful to people because they were afraid of the other friends who wants to rob their property. Day after day, all the friends will not want to meet Grandet again.

However, earning money positively can help business people to find different challenges. Because they can find another people are rich than them. The main problem with this argument is that it is ignorant of the basic fact that money will hurt people, especially the rich people sometimes. So, I think that, it is wrong that business people are motivated only by earning more money.

1、你这篇文章的立意不清晰。。。第一段的论证说家庭。。但是我没有看出来对这篇文章起到了什么样的作用
2、一些表达错误很多
加油。。。

髳盾UID: 2862345

Why business people are eager to earn more money? I believe that though they have enough to live, they lost[url=] the[/url][雨林木风1] other things that I am sure are heavier than money's price. So I disagree with the statement.

First of all, the businessmen usually ignore their family. In fact, just as granite is to the sculptor, so soul is to family. If the businessmen [url=]forget[/url][雨林木风2] their family, though [url=]having[/url][雨林木风3] enough money to spend, they still are beggar-- [url=]the[/url][雨林木风4] soul's beggar. Because of they [url=]have not any home [/url][雨林木风5] in their soul. For example, Alston, a famous banker in[url=] the[/url][雨林木风6] Wall Street, before he[url=] takes
took[/url][雨林木风7] his own life[url=];[/url][雨林木风8] he [url=]is[/url][雨林木风9] a successful challenger in the company. Although he won the entire things in the career of bank, he still [url=]choice[/url][雨林木风10] to idioctonia. Why? Because he [url=]had not[/url][雨林木风11] any [url=]family's love[/url][雨林木风12] , his family member had [url=]already dead by[/url][雨林木风13] accident, he lost the indispensible [url=]love[/url][雨林木风14] . As a result, he [url=]choice[/url][雨林木风15] to [url=]in[/url][雨林木风16] ruin himself. According to this example, I [url=]think[/url][雨林木风17] that treasure [url=]business people's[/url][雨林木风18] family is more important than [url=]eager[/url][雨林木风19]
for more money.

[雨林木风1]去掉



[雨林木风2]forget



[雨林木风3]have got



[雨林木风4]a



[雨林木风5]always don’t have the conception of home



[雨林木风6]去掉



[雨林木风7]?



[雨林木风8],



[雨林木风9]was



[雨林木风10]chose



[雨林木风11]hadn’t even got



[雨林木风12]love from a family



[雨林木风13]died in a casual



[雨林木风14]例子感觉与前面提到的“忘了家庭”无关；毕竟Altons的家人都去世了，不是他本人不去关心。



[雨林木风15]chose



[雨林木风16]去掉



[雨林木风17]少用think表达个人观点，改用非主观的词语在分数上更有帮助。例如I can get a conclution that……



[雨林木风18]one’s



[雨林木风19]longing(eager已出现)


第二段没有改；在这里说一下同学你作文的缺点：


1. 语法错误好想多了一点；
2.文章有比较严重走题现象，题目问的是“你同不同意‘商人只受金钱驱动’这样一个观点”；结果作者表达的观点好像是“过多的金钱可以让人损失许多生活中珍贵的东西”；建议写作前列提纲，规划好自己写作的内容；
3.文中举得例子不是很贴切，宽泛的例子或是“数据”就可以，过于注重细节反而容易被发现疏漏。


作文也要自己多改改吖~

minnielilyUID: 2879008

已修改~欢迎讨论

longxue26UID: 2687755

7# chenyyalex

完毕 看完了

louisa427UID: 2458920

已批改，望回批

MELODYSKIINGUID: 2841950

改好了 可是不会上传附件……求怎么传？

MELODYSKIINGUID: 2841950

邮箱多少？要不发你邮箱吧……

MELODYSKIINGUID: 2841950

OK 我再废话一下就够了积分了 今晚发上来

MELODYSKIINGUID: 2841950

我可以上传附件了 YEAH初次改 仅个人意见