星期6考试，帮忙看看这篇作文写得如何

lyzxqUID: 2868656

Topic: Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better? There is a debate burning for several years —"Should young adults be independent from their parents as soon as possible?". Premises may vary from person to person. Dominated by the sense of filial piety and accountability, a group of people insist that young adults should live with their families for a longer time, or even a life time. Nevertheless, is it rational? If we can look at the essence of independence, we will realize that the benefits of it are far beyond our imagination. An online questionnaire reveals that beyond 70% of the respondents favor to leave their parents when they are capable of taking care of themselves. Why so much people select that? Perhaps the following reasons can give you a satisfactory answer. Among the functions of being independent is that it turns us into more mature, comprehensive and qualified talents. To leave parents means to get away from our comfort zone. There is no one for us to lean on. All the puzzles and obstacles have to be figured out through our incessant effort and toil. The power of human will, patience and the indomitable spirit of overcoming hardship are fostered when we are away from home. Only in this way can we become brave enough to confront the challenges in life. What's more, to live away with parents can help reduce family's burden. When we are living with our parents, we have to utilize the resources and materials in home which are mostly paid by our parents. Isn't it shameless for adults to spend their parents money, is it? Thus, why shouldn't young adults being independent from their parents as soon as possible? It is beneficial for both themselves and their family members. Some one may say "You won't be able to take care of your parents provided that you live away with them and you may feel regret for that some day". Nevertheless, this won't be a severe problem, for it can be solved by reasonable managing of our schedule. But once we lose the time for being independent, we lose the opportunity to psychologically grow up. Just like Roosevelt once said “We cannot always build the future for our youth, but we can build our youth for the future.” Just let the youth get through the vicissitude of life by themselves and they will astonish us one day. Therefore, does leaving parents do more harm than do benefit? The answer is definitely no.

jiang08UID: 2391146

基本结构不错，用词稍微过于fanciful了一点，如果这篇作文没有计时的话，下次要主意控制时间。
其次，第二段是两个正方观点，分成两段比较好。而你说的All the puzzles and obstacles最好能给出具体的事情，比如怎么经济独立，怎么为人处世等等。
最后一段的引用不需要，结尾要短小精悍，最好另起一段，restate你的观点即可。

lyzxqUID: 2868656

嗯～～非常感谢～～还有一个问题想请教一下，就是关于用词方面。因为我上新东方的时候老师说用词不要太简单，所以我一直在想办法，用一些稍微高级点的词代替，但是其实说实话，有时我自己也觉得有点用词不恰当的感觉。比如说accountability，我一开始是想用responsibility的。请问其实用词方面是不是不用这么的执着高级词汇？？？

jiang08UID: 2391146

完全不用这么执着
词汇这个东西，要和全文的行文配合，如果只有高级的词汇，会有不合时宜的感觉。
不如在句式上面来些长短句的变化。可以搜1下我以前写的一篇关于ibt独立作文的帖子。。。恩。。。

lyzxqUID: 2868656

谢谢啦～～～