Krose的作文贴

kroseUID: 3046161

Some people think university professors should spend more time doing research while others think they should spend more time educating students. What is your view?(Education)

Actually, university professors' work is a controversial topic.While some people raise their hand for approving that professors should spend more time doing research, others think professors should spend more time teaching students. As far as I am concerned, I think professors should more concern about students' studies.

First and foremost, educating students is the fundamental responsibility for university professors. People view teacher as a sacred occupation since they impart knowledge and experience to students. However, if they spend more time on doing research, they are not professors and become researcher. Obviouly, if a professor spends most of his time on doing researcher, it means that he will spend less time on communicating with his students. When his students have some questions about their assignments or classes, they find that theri professor is struggling to his research and has no time to resolve their questions. In my opinion, that's unfair to students. A professor should help students to finish their university lives, and should help them to learn real skills, hard knowledge and genuine experience. Professors main work is teaching students, not doing research.

Moreover, professors can also get inspirations which can help them doing research from their students when they are teaching or communicating with their students. For example, when I was in high school, my mathematics teacher usually communicated with her students not only in the class but also in leisure time. One day, when she was teaching us about geometry, she gave us a little time to discuss about a difficult problem relate to geometry. We were so enthusiastic that the teacher also joined us. After that, she told us the solution of that difficult problem, and she also gave us a new solution.She said that the new solution was inspired by the discussion of us. Therefore, I think spend more time with students sometimes may be beneficial to professors research, because many amazing idea was invented when communicating with others.

Nevertheless, I am not saying that doing research don’t matter. Undoubtedly, doing research may bring personal achievement, high fame and even more property , thus professors will become successful. But we should clearly understand teacher’s finally meaning, that is teaching students.

In conclusion, as far as possible, professors should more concern about their students studies, which is professor’s responsibility and obligation. After all, professors’ main work is teaching students. Consequently, I think professors should spend more time on educating students.

mpromanusUID: 2565872

14# krose

In today's world, to speak well is more important than to write well. Agree or disagree.

There is no denying the fact that to speak well is very important in our daily life. Other people, however, say that people should pay more attention to writing. As far as I am concerned, I think speaking is more important. (This paragraph is rather..thin. Yes, you did express your opinion, but the question is about to speak or to write WELL, not just speaking or writing, and you did not pay any attention to that..therefore your opening paragraph doesn’t help in the discussion at all, other than fulfilling the formality of having an opening paragraph..A good introduction should serve to address why the discussion is worth writing about and outline the entire essay.)

First and foremost, we are speaking more than we are writing in today's world. With the growth of global economy, the communication among people becomes more frequent. We can find that people are usually communicate with others in orally, such as using the telephone, or chatting face to face. For example, when my mother was working in her factory, she had a lot of things to deal with, such as managing laborers of the factory, or negotiating with her clients, and all of this work needs to communication with others. When a day was over, she almost never stopped speaking. Obviously, to be the manager of a factory, she absolutely should have a wonderful skill in speaking, and actually she did. But she virtually has not written an email or a letter or anything other thing in a day (and why? I find it hard to believe. Would you believe that a factory manager would not write an email in a day given that she was contacting her ‘clients’? I would believe that she doesn’t write emails within the factory, but with all her clients as well, in this age of the mighty Internet? That makes it hard to believe. Therefore carefully consider what details you select to talk about. The story doesn’t just hold because you describe it so. It needs to make sense.). Shen told me that speaking was more efficient than writing in the most of the time. (I agree with this, but this doesn’t prove that speaking well is more important than writing well.)

Moreover, generally speaking, if a person can speak well, his ability of writing would not be too bad, even can be admirable (It’s usually the other way round, especially with the first language.). In my perspective, speaking is a kind of art. It can reflects a person's logical thinking, (You seem to confuse speaking with speech. There are many kinds of ‘speaking’. Formal speeches are in fact more like writing than speaking..logical, sure, but there are many kinds of speaking that are not necessarily always logical..there is the chatter, the blabber, and what people call ‘nonsense’. Of course, you can say that that kind of speaking you are talking about is mainly the more formal, well-organized kinds..) and writing also needs logical thinking. You should speak correctly in the right occasion. In fact, many people who can speak well also may also write fascinating articles. For instance, Mao Tse-dong, a distinguished politician and militarist, has lectured in front of hundreds of thousands of people at the Tiananmen Square (Ah. So you judge the quality of speech by the number of attendants..). Being the first chairman of China, he has a high quality skill of speaking (The chairman of China is not like the President of the States..and Chairman Mao doesn’t even speak proper Mandarin..). In addition to communicating with different kinds of officials, he also needs to negotiate on international affairs with other countries (Chairman Mao does not do much on that. Mr. Zhou does that a lot more, and in fact he is a much better speaker than Mao.). On the other hand, he also is a famous poet, his poems have been included in student's textbooks, such as <Changsha, Snow>,< Jinggang Mountain> and so on. Clearly, Mao can speak well and also write well. (Alright, I had enough reservations about Mao..but what does ‘speak well and write well’ say about the relative importance of the skills? You still haven’t answered the question for me: which one do you think is more important?)

Nevertheless, we cannot say that writing is not important. Writting is also plays a significant role in the modern society. Postgraduates should write in order to publish their thesis, and high school students should write so that they could get a high grade in their examinations, and newspapers should write more wonderful articles to the public (Newspapers don’t write. Journalists do. Plus, I can’t really imagine that people write just to publish thesis or pass exams..you’ll write emails, letters, postcards, notes on your powerpoint slides, and blogs. People write all kinds of writings. And again, this is not relevant to the question. It is not asking you whether writing is important. It is about whether writing WELL is important.).

In conclusion, we can't separately observe speaking and writing. We cannot ignore the status of writing and cannot overestimate the status of speaking. But if I have to choose, I think speaking well is more important than to write well. (But you didn’t manage to argue your point at all..)

总结：

好吧我只能说这篇从开头段就已经跑题了。。一开始你就没有注意到题目是speak WELL/write WELL的重要程度的比较，直接变成了speak/write的重要程度的比较，而且中间还继续跑，成了speak/write的能力程度的论述。。

以后请注意自己的提纲。你所有的论点句在提纲中应该已经是完整的句子，这样你自己把列出来的提纲连着读下来，就应该能成为一段完整的论述。例子只是丰满的作用而已。。而不是只有一个大概的感觉说我这一段要写毛泽东还是周恩来。每一段都要回去检查自己是否还扣题。这样至少如果你真的中途写偏题了还有机会早点扯回去，而不是一偏到底啦。。

mpromanusUID: 2565872

16# krose

Some people think university professors should spend more time doing research while others think they should spend more time educating students. What is your view?

Actually, university professors' work is a controversial topic. While some people raise their hand for approving that professors should spend more time doing research, others think professors should spend more time teaching students. As far as I am concerned, I think professors should more concern more about students' studies (‘concern more about students’ studies’ doesn’t necessarily mean spending more time teaching them. As a topic it is slightly larger than just spending time to ‘educate students’..for example, being an academic advisor – advise students on which electives to choose, give tips on study skills, etc. - can be considered ‘concerned about students’ studies’, but this is not teaching or education, in the strict sense of the word. So the safe measure here is to point out that your definition of ‘educating students’ include such advisory work.).

First and foremost, educating students is the fundamental responsibility for university professors. People view teachers as in a sacred occupation since they impart knowledge and experience to students. However, if they spend more time on doing research, they are not professors and become researchers. Obviously, if a professor spends most of his time on doing researcher, it means that he will spend less time on communicating with his students. When his students have some questions about their assignments or classes, they find that their professor is struggling with his research and has no time to resolve their questions. In my opinion, that's unfair to students. A professor should help students to finish their university lives, and should help them to learn real skills, hard knowledge (What kind of knowledge is ‘hard knowledge’?) and genuine experience (You don’t ‘learn’ experience. You 'gain' experience.). Professors’ main work is teaching students, not doing research.

Moreover, professors can also get inspirations which can help them doing research, from their students when they are teaching or communicating with their students. (This is rather awkward. Why not shift the ‘when’ clause to the 1st part of the sentence?) For example, when I was in high school, my mathematics teacher often communicated with her students not only in the classes but also in leisure time. One day, when she was teaching us about geometry, she gave us a little time to discuss about a difficult problem related to geometry. We were so enthusiastic that the teacher also joined us. After that, she told us the solution of that difficult problem, and she also gave us a new solution. She said that the new solution was inspired by the discussion of us. Therefore, I think spending more time with students sometimes may be beneficial to professors’ research, because many amazing ideas was invented (You don’t ‘invent’ an idea. You can inspire one, or simply ‘bring out’ an idea.) when communicating with others. Nevertheless, I am not saying that doing research doesn’t matter. Undoubtedly, doing research may bring personal achievement, high fame and even more property (‘property’ often specifically refers to real estate. I think you mean ‘fortune’.), thus professors will become successful. But we should clearly understand teacher’s finally meaning (This, is obviously influenced by Chinese. It should be more like ‘the meaning of ‘teacher’..), that is a person teaching students. (Yes, but a professor is not necessarily a teacher. They aren’t even called ‘teachers’ in most universities..they are ‘faculties’. I mean, the Chinese word for ‘professor’ does contain ‘teach’, but the word ‘professor’ simply means someone who is highly skilful in some kind of craft or art as a profession..it only took on the meaning of a teaching job when the modern university system was established. So you need to be clear that in your definition a ‘professor’ is more essentially a ‘teacher’ – you can briefly mention why you do think so, for example, that they are in essence the people who design and deliver courses in an academic institution, so in that sense they are really teachers more than anything else.)

In conclusion, as far as possible, professors should more concern more about their students’ studies, which is a professor’s responsibility and obligation. After all, a professors’ main work is teaching students. Consequently, I think professors should spend more time on educating students.

总结：

这篇写得很不错~主要的建议是关于定义方面的，不过并未影响论述。Good Job!

kroseUID: 3046161

In today's world, to speak well is more important than to write well. Agree or disagree.

Undoubtedly, speaking and writing are two extremely important skills we should consider. Actually, it is difficult to distinguish which of them is more important. While some people raise their hand for approving that to speak well is more vital, others think we should pay more attention on improving writing skills. As far as I am concerned, I think speaking well is play a key role in our lives, and thus to speak well is more important.

As we know, nowadays, we often communicate with others in many places, so speaking well is a significant skill for us. It is speaking well that helps you to make friends, to negotiate with your clients and also to affect your family. For example, if I have remarkable speaking skill, when I go to a new environment, it is easy for me to blend in the new circumstance. I can be humorous when I am taking with strangers and thus they may view me as an interesting man and willing to make friend with me. Moreover, take my mother as an example, being a manager of a factory, she has a high quality of speaking. When some clients come to her factory, she can readily introduce new product of the factory to them, and after they talking with my mother, they usually view my mother as a reliable person and willing to buy factory's product. Successful business needs good speaking skill, that's what my mother said to me， since speaking skill plays a very vital role in business field.  

Another point we should consider is that speaking well can pave our way to success. For instance, in business field, obviously, it is crucial for you to negotiate with others. If you are good at speaking, it is easy for you to bring profit to your company, and thus you will definitely get promotion. For example, my father has been worked in a financial company. At the beginning when he went into the company, he was not good at speaking with his clients and thus they never cooperated with my father. After that, my father has realized the importance of speaking well and he spends 3 months at home reading booking and watching TV relate to speaking skill, practicing himself day after day. Three months later, he was so confident and humorous when he was talking with his clients, and thus they were happily to collaborate with my father. Take into account the colossal profit my father has created, my father became the manager of the company.

I am not saying that writing well doesn’t matter notwithstanding. In fact, writing is a kind of art which can reflects people's logical thinking. How to organize our language in writing? How to express our thought and emotion through writing? How can we make our essay more interesting? The answers to these questions have everything to do with writing skills. If you can write wonderful article, it means that you are thoughtful.

In conclusion, in my perspective, speaking well is very important, because it can affects our daily lives and our career and so on. However, writing is another skill we can not underestimate. Consequently, we should practice our speaking skills and also writing skills, and thus the door of success will swing open wider and more smoothly, when we use these two kinds of skill pull the handle. But if I have to choose, I think speaking well is more important.

mpromanusUID: 2565872

19# krose

In today's world, to speak well is more important than to write well. Agree or disagree.

Undoubtedly, speaking and writing are two extremely important skills we should consider. Actually, it is difficult to distinguish which of them is more important. While some people raise their hands for approving that to speak well is more vital, others think we should pay more attention on improving writing skills. As far as I am concerned, I think speaking well is playing a key role in our lives, and thus to speak well is more important.

As we know, nowadays, we often communicate with others in many places, so speaking well is a significant skill for us. It is speaking well that helps you to make friends, to negotiate with your clients and also to affect your family?. For example, if I have remarkable speaking skills, when I go to a new environment, it is easy for me to blend into the new environments. I can be humorous when I am talking with strangers and thus they may view me as an interesting man and willing to make friends with me. Moreover, take my mother as an example: being a manager of a factory, she has a high quality of speaking (This is rather awkward even in Chinese. You can simply say ‘she speaks very well’. There’s really no need to try too hard at your language.). When some clients come to her factory, she can readily introduce new products of the factory to them, and after they talking with my mother, they usually view her as a reliable person and willing to buy her factory's products. Successful business needs good speaking skills: that's what my mother said to me, since speaking skills plays a very vital role in business field.

Another point we should consider is that speaking well can pave our way to success (Erm, if you talk about ‘success’, then how different is this from ‘successful business needs good speaking skills’? Isn’t ‘successful business’ considered a ‘success’? There is an overlap with the first paragraph.). For instance, in business field, obviously, it is crucial for you to negotiate with others. (Didn’t you already talk about this in the first paragraph?) If you are good at speaking, it is easy for you to bring profit to your company, and thus you will definitely get a promotion. For example, my father has been working in a financial company. At the beginning when he went into the company, he was not good at speaking with his clients and thus they never cooperated with my father. After that, my father has realized the importance of speaking well and he spent 3 months at home reading books and watching TV relating to speaking skill, practicing himself day after day. Three months later, he was so confident and humorous when he was talked with his clients, that they were happily to collaborate with my father. Because of (If you use ‘take into account’, the subject in the next part of the sentence must be ‘the company’ – the company takes your father’s contribution into account and promotes him, not your father takes his own effort into account and get promoted.) the colossal profit my father has created, my father became the manager of the company. (I think you should put your parents’ examples together since both of them are in the business setting, and your point of argument will be about how speaking well can bring you success in business. The other point will then be solely about communication, and you need to be careful not to particularly mention business there. This will give your arguments a clear division of topic – The point here is you need to organize your points. Make sure they are visibly divided and do not overlap one another.)

I am not saying that writing well doesn’t matter notwithstanding (This means ‘despite, although’. Doesn’t make sense here in this sentence. If you must use it, think about how you’d use ‘although’ – ‘although xxxx, I’m not saying xxxx’. Not ‘although, I’m not saying xxxx’.). In fact, writing is a kind of art which can reflects people's logical thinking. How to organize our language in writing? How to express our thoughts and emotions through writing? How can we make our essay more interesting? The answers to these questions have everything to do with writing skills. If you can write wonderful articles, it means that you are thoughtful. (Yeah, but you’re not making any comparison. I’m not interested to hear good words about writing – I’m interested how it compares against speaking.)

In conclusion, in my perspective, speaking well is very important, because it can affects our daily lives, and our careers and so on. However, writing is another skill we cannot underestimate. Consequently, we should practice our speaking skills and also writing skills, and thus the door of success will swing open wider and more smoothly, when we use these two kinds of skills to pull the handle. But if I have to choose, I think speaking well is more important. (Okay, but why? Is your conclusion ‘both are important’, or ‘speaking well is more important’, or what? YOU NEED TO HAVE A CLEAR STAND. Do not sit on the fence (‘we should practice…and also…’) and bulge (‘if I have to choose, I think…) at the same time. You may think you’re being fair and well-rounded, but no. It only means you don’t have a strong, well-argued opinion on the topic.)

总结：

关于举例重复的问题，实际上是你论点分类不清– 如果你要讲两个关于商业成功的论题，那么最好放到一起成为一个关于商业成功的论点。剩下的一个论点中就不要提商业成功的事情。这样，你的论点才有清晰的分野。

另外，关于主论点的态度：如果你要骑墙，请坚决骑墙。如果你要选一边更important，请坚决表示一边更important。请坚决。不要做这个结论段里这种先骑墙（我们应该两个都练啊因为这样才会更好成功啊blah blah）然后倒边（但是如果我必须选我选xx）这种看似很妥善但实际非常打哈哈的事情。。因为你这个样子说的话，那你的主要论点到底是什么？如果你说是is more important的那个部分，那你之前说骑墙的部分算什么？论据？论证？论点？显然根本就不应该在这个文章里出现。。（aka废话）。。

kroseUID: 3046161

说实话，对于这个题目，我感到很棘手，主要就是关于论点的问题

能言善道的好处，在我看来就是能更好的处理人际关系，然后能更容易获得成功。但写着写着我就觉得这2个好处完全是一码事。因为处理好人际关系可以导致成功

如果我这样改，逻辑是否会更清晰些：
1.能言善道的人能很好的交朋友。首先是当一些人到了一个新的环境，能很快的融入进去。但这里我实在想不出其他能有具体例子支持的想法了。
2.把我的2个商业例子精简一下，和在一起。

至于立场的问题，我是想着SPEAK和WRITE不能完全的支持一方而否定一方，所以我写了 支持/支持/让步 的结构，如果我要站定的话，我就必须写三个支持了，因为感觉2个支持可能字数不够。其实归根到底还是没有论点了。

mpromanusUID: 2565872

21# krose

> 能言善道的好处，在我看来就是能更好的处理人际关系，然后能更容易获得成功。但写着写着我就觉得这2个好处完全是一码事。因为处理好人际关系可以导致成功" O& R3 `. A' b: M" g5 O& b

其实你自己已经说出来了。。‘然后’能更容易获得成功。。如果中文提纲里都自然出现了连接词，那么说明这两个点有很紧密的联系，不能当成单独的两点处理。

> 如果我这样改，逻辑是否会更清晰些：/ M( o' ]# p- c" b$ K6 ~, w
> 1.能言善道的人能很好的交朋友。首先是当一些人到了一个新的环境，能很快的融入进去。但这里我实在想不出其他能有具体例子支持的想法了。
> 2.把我的2个商业例子精简一下，和在一起。

恩，我的意思就是这样，真正分出两个点来。1的例子很容易啊，口语好比较容易融入的留学生神马的，这理论本身是不是正确咱不管它，但这类例子遍地都是。。

> 至于立场的问题，我是想着SPEAK和WRITE不能完全的支持一方而否定一方，所以我写了 支持/支持/让步 的结构，如果我要站定的话，我就必须写三个支持了，因为感觉2个支持可能字数不够。其实归根到底还是没有论点了。

让步。。这应该是中国学生最被误导的方面。。

1. 不是说一定要写正面才算支持。
2. 让步中说完对方的观点或者另外一方的好处神马的之后，要反驳，或者加以压倒，以示你的观点才是正确全面。

让步不是单纯的说说对方好就完事 - 既然对方好那你为什么不同意对方非要持你现在的这个观点~所以你让步的目的不是提对方的观点，而是为了反驳/压倒对方的观点才提对方的观点。。是反驳/压倒而不是让步在显示自己的观点是经过严密思考的。。比如你说让步写writing怎么怎么重要啊都行，但是最后一定要有‘但是，虽然writing well很重要，和speaking well比起来还是不如其重要！’这一部分的论证。。否则你的主要论点就模糊了！这个就是我说的不坚决（而不是不能让步）。

如果要骑墙（两边都重要），可以，但一样要骑得坚决 - 对方说哪一边更重要的时候你要坚决压倒说其实不存在哪一边比较重要不存在不存在两边是一样重要的一样的有木有！不管你是正面支持你论点的正确性，还是通过让步+反驳来反面证明你论点的正确性，一定要有一个文章从头坚持到尾的明确的论点。

关于你问的那个公共交通使用手机的题目，道理是一样的。你让完步，要说，虽然这些情况下反对在公交上使用手机是合理的，但是，这些反对的理由不如我支持的理由强烈/有理/覆盖面大/经济效益高/。。各种不如你的论点的想法，怎么说都行，目的是要压倒反面论点就好了。

> 如果我支持可以用。我是否可以 假设出一个人们反对的原因？ 即：一些人担心在公共场合用手机会吵到别人
> 然后我再去反驳。 像这样自己假设出来可行么？

这属于反面论证，即让步+反驳，可以用，但应该列为让步段。

所以我都不会说‘让步’这是写法。。惯用的议论文布局是‘双正一反’，两个正面论点+一个反面论证（提出对方论点，然后推倒，或者证明其优势小于自己论点的优势），而不是‘双正一让’，光让是起不到论证自己论点的作用的。。

希望这些能帮你理清一些段落布局上的问题。

kroseUID: 3046161

should people be allowed to use mobile phone in public transportation(plane, train, bus)?

It seems that mobile phone has became the inalienable part of our lives. We often need to use mobile phone not only in our families or offices and also in the public. Some people, however, hold the view that people should not use mobile phone in the public transportation. As far as I am concerned, using mobile phone in public transportation is our rights, and thus I think people can use mobile phone in the public.

Before I defend using mobile phone in public is feasible, let me concede that somebody’s concerns are understandable. Some people may worry about the noise from people when they using mobile phone may put a negtive influence on the others. They think people should not put too much noise in public transportation because somebody maybe need and want a quiet environment. But now I have to highlight that public transportation is the part of social public, and thus we should consider different kind of situation. Somebody want a tranquil circumstance but somebody need to use mobile phone to communicate with his family, boss or friends. In my opinion, we can not forbid using mobile phone in public transportation only because somebody want a quiet environment. Cars, buses and othe vihicles definitely would make noise when they run on the street, shall we forbid this?

Moreover, sometimes we have to use mobile phone in public transportation in some cases. For instance, there was a time not so long ago, my mother,a manager of a factory, went out to buy some books in the Guangzhou books center with me. When we were taking the bus, suddenly my mother's phone was ringing. In this call, a factory's labor told my mother that somebody in the factory got hurt when he was working, and she needed to come back to resolve this emergency. If we cannot use mobile phone in public transportation, my mother would not know the information at fist time and would not decided to come back, therefore the injured labor would not be cured in hospital bacuse he has no money to pay.

In conclusion, Making noise is unavoidable, but we can lower our voice as far as possible we can, and sometimes we need to use mobile phone when we meet emergency. Consequently, in my perspective, we can use mobile phone in public transportation since it is our rights.

mpromanusUID: 2565872

23# krose

Should people be allowed to use mobile phones in public transportation(plane, train, bus)?

It seems that the mobile phone has become an inalienable (This doesn’t just mean ‘cannot be taken away’. It implies of being ‘inseparable’ in the legal sense. Thus this is often associated with human rights, not gadgets..) part of our lives. We often need to use mobile phones not only in our homes (‘Family’ consists of people..you can’t really use a mobile phone ‘in’ people, yes?) or offices, and also in the public. Some people, however, hold the view that people should not use mobile phones in the public transportation. As far as I am concerned, using mobile phones in public transportation is our rights,
and thus I think people can use mobile phones in the public.

Before I defend my opinion that using mobile phones in public is feasible (‘feasible’ does not mean ‘acceptable’.), let me concede that some people’s concerns are understandable. Some people may worry about the noise from people when they use mobile phones. This noise may put a negative influence on the others. (This is two sentences pressed into one. Separate them.)They think people should not make too much noise in public transportation because somebody maybe need or want a quiet environment. But now I have to highlight that public transportation is the part of social public?, and thus we should consider different kinds of situations. Somebody wants a tranquil surrounding (‘circumstance’ doesn’t usually refer to the physical environment you’re in.) but somebody needs to use a mobile phone to communicate with his family, boss or friends. In my opinion, we cannot forbid using mobile phone in public transportation just because somebody wants a quiet environment. Cars, buses and other vehicles definitely would definitely make noise when they run on the street, shall we forbid this? (Right. But machinery noises from the vehicles cannot be controlled or minimized by the drivers, while you can choose to minimize the noise when using a mobile phone. That’s the huge difference here. A comparable case would be in many cities drivers are banned from horning in residential areas..because similar to using a mobile phone, the choice to horn is entirely within the power of the driver. Thus people would regard reckless horning as rude, but the noise from power engines in cars a necessary evil. How would you explain that? Think about it.)

Moreover, sometimes we have to use mobile phones in public transportation in some cases. For instance, there was a time not so long ago, when my mother, a manager of a factory, went out to buy some books in the Guangzhou books center with me. When we were taking the bus, suddenly my mother's phone was ringing. In this call, a factory's laborer told my mother that somebody in the factory got hurt when he was working, and she needed to come back to resolve this emergency. If we cannot use mobile phones in public transportation, my mother would not have known the information so soon at first time and would not have decided to go back, therefore the injured laborer would not have been cured in hospital because he had no money to pay. (Good example.)

In conclusion, making noise is unavoidable, but we can lower our voices as much as possible we can (You didn’t mention ‘we can lower our voices’
in the main arguments of your essay. Do NOT raise new points in the concluding paragraph.), and sometimes we need to use mobile phone for emergencies. Consequently, in my perspective, we can use mobile phones in public transportation since it is our rights (You also didn’t quite stress on ‘rights’ in the main arguments. You need to make sure every major point in the last few sentences in the introduction and the first few sentences in the conclusion are properly covered as arguments in the essay. If you mention ‘rights’, you need to write about ‘rights’. If you mention ‘we should lower our voices’, this needs to appear in the main arguments somewhere. Or else you have unfinished points and the essay is not complete.) .

总结：

请注意可数名词不能单数单用，要么加冠词（a/an/the），要么加复数。

论述方面主体论述不错，但是你在开头结尾提到的东西并没有全部被讨论，所以请注意一下。开头结尾重复你的主要分论点是不要紧的，避免为了不要重复而扯进了主体里没有的东西 - 这样等于你开始说你要提到什么点什么点，最后其实并没有提。。