Hotwire的作文修改贴

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我女儿的托福作文练习,请各位评价,谢谢!

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? If child want to do well in school, parents should limit the hours of watching TV programs or movies。

Watching television program and movies has always been a way of wasting time. Many children are addicted to it and spend hours watching it everyday, which makes their grades go down quickly. I truly agree that if a child wants to do well in school, parents should limit on the hours of watching TV programs or movies.

Watching too many TV programs and movies can be bad for our health, especially for our eyes. Without good eyes and a healthy body, we can't get good grades. I was a couch potato myself when I was in the fourth grade. The final exam in the third grade made me feel stressful and I planned to enjoy my summer in TV programs and movies. So I watched twenty movies and countless TV programs in a month. Soon, I discovered that I can no longer see the screen clearly and went to a hospital to cheek my eyes. After being told that I was short-sighted, I felt very regret and stopped watching TV, but all these efforts could not prevent me from wearing glasses.  

Also, most TV programs and movies are easy and lack of knowledge, like "Pleasant Goat and Big Big Wolf", a TV series , which is so poplar in China that there is hardly a person, among the total of 1.3 billion population, has never heard of. However, the series can not provide us with any practical uses. In every show, the main plot is a goat called pleasant and his friends beat and trick the Big Big wolf who wants to eat the goats. I really admire "Tiger Mother" Amy Chua, she is a typical eastern mother, who is very strict to children. She never allows her daughter to watch TV programs and movies, which she calls "garbage". Her children grow to be two very diligent and well-sighted ladies, who get a lot of prizes in music contests.

Last but not the least, the world is becoming more and more competitive. The fast growing population and technology make it harder to get good jobs. In 2009, the economic crisis caused many firms to declare bankruptcy and many young men to lose their jobs. They have to rely on governments and their parents. If parents want their children to rely on themselves, it is urgent for them to limit their children's hours of watching TV and movies and force their children to read books and review all the lessons.

Although watching TV and movies properly can help us to relax our mind and a certain type of science and history programs can be benefit for us, but children are too young to control themselves from watching to much. I suggest parents limit the hours their children spend on watching TV.

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1# hotwire

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? If a child wants to do well in school, parents should limit the hours of watching TV programs or movies.

Watching television program and movies has always been a way of wasting time. Many children are addicted to it and spend hours watching it every day, which makes their grades go down quickly. (You are already saying that this is the cause of bad performance in school? An opening paragraph isn’t really the place to do this..where do you put your evidence that this is really true?) I truly agree that if a child wants to do well in school, parents should limit on the hours of watching TV programs or movies.

Watching too many TV programs and movies can be bad for our health, especially for our eyes. Without good eyes and a healthy body, we can't get good grades. I was a couch potato myself when I was in the fourth grade. The final exam in the third grade made me feel stressful and I planned to enjoy my summer in TV programs and movies. So I watched twenty movies and countless TV programs in a month. Soon, I discovered that I can no longer see the screen clearly and went to a hospital to check my eyes. After being told that I was short-sighted, I felt very regretful and stopped watching TV, but all these efforts could not prevent me from wearing glasses. (And? How does this relate to ‘do well in school’ and ‘parents should limit the hours…’? I don’t see anything in the example that addresses the actual overall topic you’re discussing..it only says that you watched too much TV and had bad eyesight and had to wear glasses, but then what? Did you do badly in school? I can’t tell if your opinion is valid unless you say this eyesight deterioration has caused your grades to be bad..)

Also, most TV programs and movies are easy and lack of knowledge, like "Pleasant Goat and Big Big Wolf", a TV series , which is so popular in China that there is hardly a person, among the total of 1.3 billion population, who has never heard of it. However, the series cannot provide us with any practical uses. In every show, the main plot is about how a goat (It’s a sheep..really is.) called pleasant and his friends beat and trick the Big Big wolf who wants to eat the goats. I really admire "Tiger Mother" Amy Chua, she is a typical eastern mother, who is very strict to her children. (Um…how you went from 喜羊羊 to Tiger Mother is beyond me..these two sentences are totally unrelated.) She never allows her daughters to watch TV programs and movies, which she calls "garbage". Her children grow to be two very diligent and well-sighted ladies, who win a lot of prizes in music contests. (Amy Chua did a lot more than just banning TV and movies. Plus, you’re expected to talk about school performance – not music contest awards. Of course those awards are good, but they don’t prove anything in this discussion - they are just not relevant.)

Last but not the least, the world is becoming more and more competitive. The fast growing population and technology make it harder to get good jobs. In 2009, the economic crisis caused many firms to declare bankruptcy and many young men to lose their jobs. They have to rely on governments and their parents. If parents want their children to rely on themselves, it is necessary for them to limit their children's hours of watching TV and movies and force their children to read books and review all the lessons. (And how does this help? Will this help them to find jobs faster? No logic here..)

Although watching TV and movies properly can help us to relax our mind and a certain type of science and history programs can be of benefit to us, but children are too young to control themselves from watching too much. I suggest parents limit the hours their children spend on watching TV.

总结：

语言功底不错但是论述方面基本是天马行空的。。从喜羊羊怎么能联系到虎妈的？从2009金融危机怎么能联系到不让看电视的？光列举描写是不算逻辑的，要有明确的论证过程，也就是你的列举和描写是如何可以推论出你想要证明的结论的这个过程。。

hotwireUID: 2819193

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