Issue114 （revised by imong and 豌豆）

yellowchildrenUID: 134407

Issue 114
Humanity has made little real progress over the past century or so. Technological innovations have taken place, but the overall condition of humanity is no better. War, violence, and poverty are still with us. Technology cannot change the condition of humanity.

I fundamentally disagree to the assertion that completely denies the progress of humanity brought by technological advancement. While technology is two-side sword, technological innovations having taken place do more benefits human than disadvantages. The continuing existence of war, violence, and poverty is not an indicator that humanity does not move a step forward in the process of history.

Before discussing the assertion we must define what is humanity real progress. In my view, the increasing growth of the level of people’s life and the growing degree of democracy are indicators of progress of human.

Admittedly, the advancement of technology does not eliminate some persistent social problems, such as war, violence, and poverty. For example, the increase in the Gini coefficient shows the tendency that the gap between the wealthy and the poverty is deeper than before. Some district conflicts and terrors all over the world still continue. The percentage of crime does not reduce. Also, with the development of technology and science, today’s weapons are more advanced devastating than before and thus would make war increasingly upgrade.

However, we cannot deny the tremendous progress of society because of the existence of the persistent social problems. It is the unchangeable facts that humanity makes progress in many ways. Over the past century in the terms of material life the technological innovations raise the standard of living of people and in terms of spiritual makes society more democratic. An apt example is computer. It is one of the greatest inventions in the last century. It can increase the efficiency of work by processing plenty of data. Thereby, people can be out of onerous computing and have more time to enjoy life. Another example is Internet. It is also outstanding technological innovations and even completely changed the way of people’s traditional life. Internet linking the computers all over the world makes people communicate immediately by e-mail, instant-message. Also, people can shop at home by Internet instead of out of door. Besides, by means of high-tech products people can supervise the action of the government and freely speech their own opinions through living broadcast on net.

Finally, it may be argued that only if war, violence, and poverty are still with us, people cannot think humanity made real progress. but actually anything bringing to benefits is bound to have side effects and may not instantly solve all problems. It is not equal and reasonable that these real progresses of humanity are denied only because of the existence of these problems. Now nobody knows when these problems would disappear. Then only if the day that these problems eliminate comes, could we say that humanity make real progress? And now in the process of going forward, do humanity stop where it is and not move a step forward? It is obviously absurd. Those should see the real progress not only from the result, but also the process.

In sum, technological innovations should be regarded as the motivation of the advancement of society, which make people’s material and spiritual life thrive. They would make more progress to our society as long as we make use of it correctly and cautiously. Thus, we even can say that without technological innovations there is no the development of humanity.

imongUID: 140258

yellowchildren这么积极，不帮你看看我都不好意思了
等一下，我去送作业（可恶的老师，校庆放假当天居然要收作业，真是的），一会儿回来就给你改 ：）

豌豆UID: 144569

Issue 114
Humanity has made little real progress over the past century or so. Technological innovations have taken place, but the overall condition of humanity is no better. War, violence, and poverty are still with us. Technology cannot change the condition of humanity.

I fundamentally disagree to (with)the assertion that (?) completely denies the progress of humanity brought by technological advancement. (缺少主语)While technology is（a） two-side sword, technological innovations having taken place do more benefits human than disadvantages. (do more benefits human?不确定)The continuing existence of war, violence, and poverty is not an indicator that humanity does not move a step forward in the process of history. 观点鲜明

Before discussing the assertion we must define what is humanity real progress. In my view, the increasing growth of the level of people’s life and the growing degree of democracy are indicators用过了,可以用其它的词symbol ,emblem)o of progress of human.从来没看见过这种写法,但挺有创意



Admittedly, the advancement of technology does not eliminate some persistent social problems, such as war, violence, and poverty. For example, the increase in the Gini coefficient shows the tendency that the gap between the wealthy and the poverty (用poor 更好吧)is deeper 用wider)than before. Some district conflicts and terrors all over the world still continue. The percentage of crime does not reduce.  (这两个短句可以连起来)Also, with the development of technology and science, today’s (很中英哦,试试nowadays)weapons are more advanced devastating than before and thus would make war increasingly upgrade.

However, we cannot deny the tremendous progress of society because of the existence of the persistent social problems. It is the unchangeable facts that humanity makes progress in many ways. Over the past century in the terms of material life the technological innovations raise the standard of living of people and in terms of spiritual makes society more democratic. (观点出现)An apt example is computer. It is one of the greatest inventions in the last century. (这两句也可以连起来)It can increase the efficiency of work by processing plenty of data. (最好加个副词)Thereby, people can be out of onerous computing and have more time to enjoy life. Another example is Internet. It is also outstanding technological innovations (is? Innovations?)and even completely changed the way of people’s traditional life. Internet linking the computers all over the world makes people communicate immediately by e-mail, instant-message. Also, people can shop at home by Internet instead of out of door. Besides, by means of high-tech products people can supervise the action of the government and freely speech their own opinions through living broadcast on net. 关于精神方面的展开的不够充分



Finally, it may be argued that only if war, violence, and poverty are still with us, people cannot think humanity made real progress. but(大写) actually anything bringing to benefits is bound to have side effects and may not instantly solve all problems. It is not equal and reasonable that these real progresses of humanity are denied only because of the existence of these problems. Now nobody knows when these problems would disappear. Then only if the day that these problems eliminate comes, (这句不用从句来表达哦)could we say that humanity make real progress? And now in the process of going forward, do humanity stop where it is and not move a step forward? It is obviously absurd. Those should see the real progress not only from the result, but also the process. 我也写过这篇,当时还写到因为这些战争,贫穷等问题从来都是出现在人类历史每个阶段,某种程度上是伴随人类的,不可能消除.所以单凭它们仍然存在是不能推出………个人意见,不成熟,请指教

In sum, technological innovations should be regarded as the motivation of the advancement of society, which make people’s material and spiritual life thrive. They would make more progress to our society as long as we make use of it correctly and cautiously. Thus, we even can say that without technological innovations there is no the development of humanity结束的太匆忙,估计是时间不够了吧?^_^

不好意思,我老是指出一些语法错误,和用词方面的.习惯问题.呵呵
总的说来还是well-reasoned的

还有，我是新手,不知道该怎么回,我费了好大劲才发出的

豌豆UID: 144569

咦?成功了嘛!!
就是不能直接把word上的 内容 直接拷过来
我是一条条粘的.......
hu..................

imongUID: 140258

Issue 114
Humanity has made little real progress over the past century or so. Technological innovations have taken place, but the overall condition of humanity is no better. War, violence, and poverty are still with us. Technology cannot change the condition of humanity.

I fundamentally disagree to(disagree with sb on/about/over sth, 没有查到to这样的用法) the assertion that（which, that感觉不合适） completely denies the progress of humanity brought by technological advancement. While technology is two-side（two-edged） sword, technological innovations having taken place do more benefits human than disadvantages（这句错误很多，再看看，我想写With the recognition of technology as a two-edged weapon, one must admit that technological innovations are ultimately beneficial, rather than detrimental, to human beings）. The continuing(不好，不是这样表达的) existence of war, violence, and poverty is not an indicator（不如写does not necessarily indicate，比is的感觉好） that humanity does not move a step forward in the process of history.后半句不太地道，而且你用一般现在时比较多，不过有的时候未必是最好的。

Before discussing the assertion we must（it is necessary to） define what is humanity real(real放在humanity前边) progress. In my view, the increasing growth of the level of people’s life （the increase in the quality of people’s life）and the growing degree of democracy are indicators of progress of human. 用词还是不太地道啊，而且这么写……不好说，因为你定义了东西又不去论证，仅仅交待说in my view，这个问题恐怕不太好。（哪怕你说什么as widely accepted也要好一点）

Admittedly, the advancement of technology does not eliminate some persistent social problems, such as war, violence, and poverty. （中间的逗号少一点，本来句子就短）For example, the increase in the Gini coefficient shows the tendency that the gap between the wealthy（？） and the poverty（？） is deeper（？） than before.不是这样用词的。而且，这个例子和technology advancement有关吗？ Some (去掉some)district（regional） conflicts and terrors(terrorism activities) all over the world still continue(prevail,或者找一个表示此起彼伏的词，把all over the world换一个更贴切的说法放到动词的后边，以免头重脚轻). The percentage of crime（rate吧？这样说也不够准确） does not reduce. Also, with the development of technology and science, today’s weapons are more advanced devastating（more advanced devastating?不通，什么意思） than before and thus would make war increasingly upgrade（upgrade是动词，也不通）. 短句太多。用词上的档次要提高，要不然很吃亏的。而且结论呢？你的论点是does not eliminate，却只是摆现象，应该联系到does not eliminate这个点上。

However, we cannot deny the tremendous progress of society because of the existence of the persistent social problems.（mere existence of these social problems cannot deny … 句子就活起来了） It is the（没有the?） unchangeable facts that humanity makes progress in many ways. Over the past century in the terms of material life the technological innovations raise the standard of living of people(啰嗦，直接living standards) and in terms of spiritual makes society more democratic(?出现新的主谓宾的时候要有分隔啊). An apt example is computer. It is one of the greatest inventions in the last century. It (和前边连起来，逗号+which) can increase the efficiency of work by processing plenty of data. Thereby, people can be out of onerous computing and have more time to enjoy life. Another example is Internet. It is also outstanding technological innovations and even completely changed the way of people’s traditional life(have altered numerous traditions). Internet linking(?两次了，动名词不是这么用的，如果想用动名词做主语前边就不能再有别的做主语的词，或者就要再加that之类的词) the computers all over the world makes（单调，老是makers，enable也可以啊，很多都可以用） people communicate immediately by e-mail, instant-message. Also, people can shop at home by Internet instead of out of door. Besides, by means of high-tech products people can supervise the action of the government and freely speech their own opinions through living broadcast(live broadcasting) on net.

Finally, it may be argued that only if(as long as，和only if差不多正好反了) war, violence, and poverty are still with us, people cannot think（不好） humanity made real progress. but actually anything bringing to（没有to） benefits is bound to have side effects and may not instantly solve all problems. It is not equal(not equal改成unfair) and reasonable that these real progresses of humanity are denied only because of the existence of these problems(跟上边的一个句子很像，不再单独修改了). Now nobody knows when these problems would disappear（？要表达什么？）. Then only if the day that these problems eliminate（这是动词，不能这么用） comes, could we say that humanity make real progress? And now in the process of going forward, do humanity stop where it is and not move a step forward? It is obviously absurd. Those should see the real progress not only from the result, but also the process. 不客气地说，我觉得你的论证才是obviously absurd. 你应该说明白的东西并没有说清楚，感觉上很没有逻辑可言。如果按照你的论题，应该举出相关的例子，证明humanity的确有一定程度的improvement，甚至非常大的improvement。比如说，如果没有知识的积累，或者说生产水平的发展（尽管因果关系值得讨论），民主政体和契约社会从何谈起。或者找出科技推动humanity进步的concrete example. 你现在完全是蛮不讲理的在吵架。就算你本意不是这样的，效果很明显，这种反问的用法相当失败，因为你无论论据，论证都没有做到以理服人。
评语很尖刻，失礼了。

In sum, technological innovations should be regarded as the motivation of the advancement of society, which make people’s material and spiritual life thrive. They would make more progress to our society as long as we make use of it correctly and cautiously. Thus, we even can say that without technological innovations there is no the development of humanity.

sue_zhUID: 78087

我不善于给文章挑语法错误,因为我的语法也很烂,加上前面两位大侠已经挑过了,我就不再说了,下面就这篇文章的逻辑结构说一些我的看法.
其实这篇文章的结构还是很清楚的,第一段陈述观点,第二段承认问题的存在,第三\四段,试图论述科技推动了HUMANITY的进步,第五段总结.是大家都比较喜欢采用的一种五段结构法.
如果说这篇文章存在不足之处的话,就是三四段的论述深度不够.其实第三段开头稍后之处已经鲜明地点出了观点--------科技推动了人类社会民主的进步,可惜的是后来作者并没有用有力的例子或REASONING来支撑这一观点,而是泛泛地谈了一些计算机\网络的进步,使这一段失去应有的力量.
第四段其实是很中国式的思维方式,大意是难道战争什么什么消失了,HUMANITY就进步了?作为一个中国人,我能理解这段的意思,但是我觉得作为一个外国人,很难明白你的POINT在哪里.
其实YELLOWCHILDREN的问题,我们很多人都存在.在一篇长达五六百字的ISSUE中,我们能写出
一个完整且貌似堂皇的结构,能摆出观点和逻辑关系,能写出每段的开头句,但在对每个观点的论述中,却很少能看到漂亮的DEVELOP.
就我自己而言,我常遇到这种问题,我想是因为本身对题目的理解不够,也想不到足够的适当的例子,只好用几句空话充数.
因此,我想我下一步应该做的,是再仔细看一遍题目,多想一下,再找一些例子对其进行佐证.欢迎大家一起讨论.

yellowchildrenUID: 134407

谢谢两位这么认真的批改。。。：）

说实不好意思,我老是指出一些语法错误,和用词方面的.习惯问题.呵呵

豌豆：说实话，不是你老指出语法问题，而是我的语言上的问题确实蛮大的。。。真该早点开始写啊。。。谢谢了。。。


IM0NG：
虽然评语尖刻点，但良药苦口利于病嘛，可以接受，有几点继续请教一下。。。
1\While technology is two-side（two-edged） sword, technological innovations having taken place do more benefits human than disadvantages（这句错误很多，再看看，我想写With the recognition of technology as a two-edged weapon, one must admit that technological innovations are ultimately beneficial, rather than detrimental, to human beings）.

这句话你改了以后确实感觉顺了不少，不过，有点改变我的意思，我想表达的不是说技术创新对人类有利而不是有害，我想说的是技术创新对人类是利大于弊，应该怎么说？？？反正我觉得自己那样说确实很成问题。。。

2\ Internet linking(?两次了，动名词不是这么用的，如果想用动名词做主语前边就不能再有别的做主语的词，或者就要再加that之类的词) the computers all over the world makes（单调，老是makers，enable也可以啊，很多都可以用） people communicate immediately by e-mail, instant-message.

这句话，我不是要用动名词做主语，我这句INTERNET是主语，LINKING THE COMPUTERS ALL OVER THE WORLD是动名词修饰INTERNET,不知道可不可以这样用？？？如果不能，我想表达的意思是：连接起全球计算机的互联网让人们能够通过E-MAIL等进行实时交流。。。


3\with the development of technology and science, today’s weapons are more advanced devastating（more advanced devastating?不通，什么意思） than before and thus would make war increasingly upgrade（upgrade是动词，也不通）.

这句我写掉了个AND，应该是MORE ADVANCED AND DEVASTATING
这句我想说：今天的武器比过去更先进而具有破坏性，因此使战争不断升级。。。应该怎么说比较好？？

4\
Now nobody knows when these problems would disappear（？要表达什么？）. Then only if the day that these problems eliminate（这是动词，不能这么用） comes, could we say that humanity make real progress? And now in the process of going forward, do humanity stop where it is and not move a step forward? It is obviously absurd. Those should see the real progress not only from the result, but also the process. 不客气地说，我觉得你的论证才是obviously absurd. 你应该说明白的东西并没有说清楚，感觉上很没有逻辑可言。如果按照你的论题，应该举出相关的例子，证明humanity的确有一定程度的improvement，甚至非常大的improvement。比如说，如果没有知识的积累，或者说生产水平的发展（尽管因果关系值得讨论），民主政体和契约社会从何谈起。或者找出科技推动humanity进步的concrete example. 你现在完全是蛮不讲理的在吵架。就算你本意不是这样的，效果很明显，这种反问的用法相当失败，因为你无论论据，论证都没有做到以理服人。

这句话应该是用WHEN可能表达的意思对点，也就是only if the day when these problems eliminate comes, could we say that humanity make real progress?...不知道这样表达，对不对了？？？
我想表达的意思是：只有当这些问题消失的那天来临时，我们才能说人类取得了真正的进步吗？？
这段要表达的整个意思其实就是豌豆说的他的个人意见，但可能我没表达出来。。。让人看了不知所云。。。

谢谢。。。请继续批评指正。。。

yellowchildrenUID: 134407

刚才在网上和SUE_ZH辩了辩，觉得第四段的确写的有问题，没有很好的和科技联系起来。。。

谢谢SUE_ZH一直以来的跟贴。。。：）

豌豆UID: 144569

sue_zh: 我的问题也是这样，无法作到很充实的内容来论证一个论点，更多的情况是堆砌很多例子却缺少足够的分析.可惜时间不多了,硬着头皮都得上了.在这里学到很多东西,很后悔这么晚才来呀.....
不过,考过作文就可以和大家一起努力笔考了
yellowchildren: 不好意思,因为实在太忙,没办法一一替你想句子了
简单地说那个升级吧
我觉得可以用escalate
不知道行不行.....

sue_zhUID: 78087

TO YELLOWCHILDREN,不客气,同是在职考G人,此中甘苦大家都知道
TO 豆豆: 大家都差不多,不要急,还有最后一搏嘛

豌豆UID: 144569

呵呵,这里的朋友好可爱
我现在已经不那么急了.
反正急也没用
对吧
无论怎样,用心准备过了,没什么好说的了
我喜欢这个新名字^_^