issue89 大家批吧

白色翅膀UID: 139024

89"Leaders are created primarily by the demands that are placed upon them."

Leaders---people who are always in the spotlight on the stage---are created primarily by the demands that are placed upon them. And on earth what are these demand-makers?The needs of the populace(sometimes groups),the situation of the society and many other oppotunities, not only at the some important historical moments but also in the contemporary daily life of people.Moreover ,not anyone who face the such demands can turn out into a qualified leader, and the personality,such as charisma, also plays an essential role.

Today, people can still recall the achievements of the great leaders in the past, such as Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King Jr.It is the critical social situation which  make them leaders .During the nineteenth century, the slavery and the abolition had become an intense controversy between North and South."If not Abraham, there would be another man of great talents like  him ,to guide people solve this problem," Prof.Jeff Maxell  wrote in his article about American Civil War,"His greatness ,as a leader, is embodied in that special time."Then the former Mayor of the New York city,Rudolph Giuliani,in the 911 attack in another case in point.Thus , the given situation and facts force an individual act as a leader , helping the people out of the disaster.

The big events as mentioned above do not take place very often ,however, even in our ordinary life , leaders are still needed to execute on behalf of the others in one group, while they are chosen in a different way .In the contemporary world,frequently, the leaders are decided by the all the voters in  a group or a committee. Nevertheless, people differ from each other in  many aspects,such as income ,status and position .Whereas, in this democratic pathway, someone is picked up to serve for the whole group,while he/she tries to satisfy as many persons as possible,that is -----only if a candidate is able to convince the voters that he/she can meet their demands,such as to raise the salary, this contented voter will vote for this candidate.
Hence, the will of the majority is the generator of a leader(我总觉得这两段意思差不多，憋死我了）

It is well-known that not any one can be instated as a leader, and the leadership , sounded as a natural gift, indeed, is an agregation of multiple talents, the individuality that provide an eligble leader.A scientific research in Boston University is carried out like following: Every time the scientists left a task to twenty persons,and required them to complete together.In spite of that they do not know each other before,during the procedure of this deal, there are  one or two person act as a leader or an organizer, without any appointment and election.And this result indicates that whether one can act as a leader or not is also determined by some personal talents,and people who embody the charisma are more likely to attain the support of the majority.

Being infuenced by numerous factors, a leader is most created by the demands from different respects.And i would like to paraphase a few words of Chinese former Primiar Zhu Rongji----Though to be a leader is a tough work,only if he can meet most of these demands and resolve the prolems smoothly, he can be considered to be a real leader.

白色翅膀UID: 139024

顶一小下：）

feier521UID: 109747

Leaders---people who are always in the spotlight on the stage---are created primarily by the demands that are placed upon them. And on earth what are these demand-makers? The needs of the populace(sometimes groups),the situation of the society and many other oppotunities（？）, not only at the some important historical moments but also in the contemporary daily life of people. Moreover ,not anyone who face(s) the such demands can turn out into a qualified leader, and the personality, such as charisma, also plays an essential role.

Today, people can still recall the achievements of the great leaders in the past, such as Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King Jr. It is the critical social situation which make(s) them leaders .During the nineteenth century, the slavery and the abolition had become an intense controversy between North and South."If not Abraham, there would be another man of great talents like him ,to guide people solve this problem," Prof. Jeff Maxell wrote in his article about American Civil War,"His greatness ,as a leader, is embodied in that special time."Then the former Mayor of the New York city, Rudolph Giuliani, in the 911 attack in(is) another case in point.Thus , the given situation and facts force an individual act as a leader , helping the people out of the disaster.(这段写的不错)

The big events as mentioned above do not take place very often ,however, even in our ordinary life , leaders are still needed to execute（？不恰切吧） on behalf of the others in one group, while they are chosen in a different way.In （the删掉） contemporary world, frequently, the leaders are decided by the all the voters in a group or a committee. Nevertheless, people differ from each other in many aspects,such as income ,status and position .Whereas, in this democratic pathway, someone is picked up to serve for the whole group,while he/she tries to satisfy as many persons as possible（搭配不对！satisfy the need）,that is -----only if a candidate is able to convince the voters that he/she can meet their demands,such as to raise the salary, this contented voter will vote for this candidate.
Hence, the will of the majority is the generator（？） of a leader(我总觉得这两段意思差不多，憋死我了）
（此段意思是说是由选民决定的，上段是时势造英雄，感觉没有重复）

It is well-known that not any one can be instated as a leader, and the leadership , sounded as a natural gift, indeed, is an agregation（？aggregation） of multiple talents, the individuality that provide an eligble（eligible） leader（逗号后写错了？）. A scientific research in Boston University is carried out like following: Every time the scientists left a task to twenty persons,and required them to complete together.In spite of（用错了） that they do not know each other before,during the procedure of this deal, there are one or two person act as a leader or an organizer, without any appointment and election.And this result indicates that whether one can act as a leader or not is also determined by some personal talents,（有点牵强，例子应该强调一下personal talents的作用）and people who embody the charisma are more likely to attain the support of the majority.

Being infuenced（influenced） by numerous factors, a leader is most created by the demands from different respects.And i(大写) would like to paraphase（paraphrase） a few words of Chinese former Primiar（premier） Zhu Rongji----Though to be a leader is a tough work, only if he can meet most of these demands and resolve the prolems(?)smoothly, he can be considered to be a real leader.

总体写的不错，文中几个quotation 写的不错
加油！

白色翅膀UID: 139024

还有人愿意再看看吗？谢谢

木耳UID: 123036

我再看看.语法行文feier是专家,而这方面我差了些,就不再看了.

Leaders---people who are always in the spotlight on the stage---are created primarily by the demands that are placed upon them. And on earth what are these demand-makers?(这个设问显得有些多余)The needs of the populace(sometimes groups),the situation of the society and many other oppotunities(oppotunities这个词是机会的意思吧?用在这里好性不合适), not only at the some important historical moments but also in the contemporary daily life of people(这后半句我读不太懂).Moreover ,not anyone who face the such demands can turn out into a qualified leader, and the personality,such as charisma, also plays an essential role. 有些罗嗦.

Today, people can still recall the achievements of the great leaders in the past, such as Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King Jr(后面没提,马丁就不要讲了).It is the critical social situation which make them leaders .During the nineteenth century, the slavery and the abolition had become an intense controversy between North and South."If not Abraham, there would be another man of great talents like him ,to guide people solve this problem," Prof.Jeff Maxell wrote in his article about American Civil War,"His greatness ,as a leader, is embodied in that special time."Then the former Mayor of the New York city,Rudolph Giuliani,in the 911 attack in another case in point.Thus , the given situation and facts force an individual act as a leader , helping the people out of the disaster.
这里只是陈述了一个例子,然后就直接说Thus...显得突兀了些,最好在加一两句分析.比如历史的发展一般都是由广大人民决定的,领导指示人民意志的集中体现等等.也就是说,在论点和例子之间最好口前党的逻辑分析和推演:
论点--->分析论点--->举例说明--->论点说明了什么(不要再重复论点,递进得说一下)--->总结(最好能触及到本质)
这样将显得逻辑严谨,思维深入.

The big events as mentioned above do not take place very often ,however, even in our ordinary life , leaders are still needed to execute on behalf of the others in one group, while they are chosen in a different way .In the contemporary world,frequently, the leaders are decided by the all the voters in a group or a committee. Nevertheless, people differ from each other in many aspects,such as income ,status and position .Whereas, in this democratic pathway, someone is picked up to serve for the whole group,while he/she tries to satisfy as many persons as possible,that is -----only if a candidate is able to convince the voters that he/she can meet their demands,such as to raise the salary, this contented voter will vote for this candidate. Hence, the will of the majority is the generator of a leader(我总觉得这两段意思差不多，憋死我了）
这段我读着有些晕,逻辑差些.你想说的意思是在民主社会,由于领导人是由人民大众根据自己意愿选出的,所以要成为一个领导,必要条件是代表大多数人的意愿,满足大多数人的愿望.不过我觉得说 people differ from each other in many aspects没有必要,反而对你的论点起到削弱.人们差异大就必然会导致一个人很难代表大多数人的利益,或者代表了一部分人的却损害了另一部分人的.把那几句删掉.在民主社会社如何定义领导上多写几句(public servant)

It is well-known that not any one can be instated as a leader, and the leadership , sounded as a natural gift, indeed, is an agregation of multiple talents, the individuality that provide an eligble leader.(第一句再改一下.不顺.甚用长句)A scientific research in Boston University is carried out like following: Every time the scientists left a task to twenty persons,and required them to complete together.In spite of that they do not know each other before,during the procedure of this deal, there are one or two person act as a leader or an organizer, without any appointment and election.And this result indicates that whether one can act as a leader or not is also determined by some personal talents,and people who embody the charisma are more likely to attain the support of the majority.

Being infuenced by numerous factors, a leader is most created by the demands from different respects.And i would like to paraphase a few words of Chinese former Primiar Zhu Rongji----Though to be a leader is a tough work,only if he can meet most of these demands and resolve the prolems smoothly, he can be considered to be a real leader.这是最后一段吗?好像再加个结尾好一些.

我认为这个题目的关键在created.其实就是在讲外界环境对个人影响的问题.所以所有例子都要围绕领导者和外界环境的关系.

总的说还不错,结尾在改一下.注意每段之中的逻辑关系,多加两句推理分析.

realturtleUID: 69047

其实我很佩服白色翅膀每次总是有很精彩的Quotations
呵呵

白色翅膀UID: 139024

好辛苦，要到机房，不能在寝室上网吗

genie05UID: 30358

说实话，我觉得开头没有必要这样写，感觉很杂。木耳提出的开头的方法感觉蛮不错的。
第二段没有分析说理，仅仅堆砌例子是不够的。
第三段没什么感觉，不过让我想到选举不仅仅是will就够了吧，美国的总统应该还要钱吧，而且在选举的过程中人总是倾向于选已经在位的人。。。。。。。
第四段例子感觉不是太扣主题！
不过说实话你的引用让人印象深刻啊！呵呵！

本人能力有限，仅供参考！！：）
错了不要打我

木耳UID: 123036

改完了,翅膀看过了吗?

白色翅膀UID: 139024

看了，谢谢，我的逻辑性总是很差，怎么办，我总不能把那几段说的话分得很清
时间紧迫啊，这两天还要做实验，FAINT！

木耳UID: 123036

别急,会有办法的.
建议你以后两天把以前写过的作文拿出来自己总结改一下.归纳出那些地方自己的逻辑差,集中突破一下.

你的逻辑不错,有些小问题而已.谁能短时间写得那么完美?