issue198 （revised by 木耳）

unique_dzUID: 142974

昨晚在猴哥模考上写的，看有没有一些改进。
Conformity and individuality are long argued by the society. For the virtue of their respective favors to the whole society, it is unfair to emphasize the importance of either one, instead, they both deserve the society's attention and appropriate combination. Only if people utilize the two in a proper way as a coherent integration, then can the society exert its glorious luster.

Admittedly, conformity is always playing an essential role during the long history of human beings. Just since people were born to the world first day, we have begun to live and work in a community, and spontaneously constructed the original society----experienced the tribal continents, simple nation, and nowadays democratic countries. The society never give up to concerning about the importance of conformity, and never underestimate its great function, and for a long time, conformity has been regarded as the dominant position leading people's activities.

During the thorny path leading people improve forward, so many contribution and wealth created by people's cooperation can demonstrate thoroughly the significance of conformity. How can the intelligent computers come out? Depend on people's cooperatively working. How were so many satellites successfully sent to the universe? According to some diligent scientists' common researches. How was the serious pollution mitigated immediately? Because of the whole people's combination and all the governments' sponsor. All these vivid facts clearly describe the favorable circumstances created by conformity, even worldwide cooperation.

However, with human beings' society stepping into the modern-era---a sophisticated world fraught diverse material, thoughts, miscellaneous things, the position of individuality is largely elevated. Of course, people living in the world, firstly, act as many individuals, hold their own thought, distinct interests, and divergent value standards, certainly, call for their different individuality, especially, currently, people are more obsessed in endless profits, and reflect their different personalities, in order to demonstrate themselves as much as possible, accordingly, expressed their values to the society. So the whole society are encouraging people's difference to on the one hand satisfy individuals psychological need, and stimulate them more productive and energetic, moreover, on the other hand, impulse the society's wholistic development for the ultimate prosperity. Bearing this benefit to both individuals and society, can any one distrust differences' significance?

It is true that more concentration and appreciation on individual differences can make the people great good, but if overestimate its influence, inevitably, the society will suffer from an unpredictable calamity. As the society becoming more and more incomprehensible and sophisticated due to the highly improving technology and science, more and more complicated things deserve our intensive attention and exploration on mysterious and enigmatic frontiers, such as the highly-visible outer space adventure, the protection towards endangered species, and the constraint of the horrible biochemical weaponry, and so forth. Can these profound programs be solved by only one person? Can these exquisite disciplines be accomplished by a handful of people? Can the society justifiably grant someone this arduous task? Perhaps, to any wise leader cannot make this presumptuous decision in that individuals' capacities are limited, and always with their special purposes and interests, maybe cause some detriment to the consummate flourishing.

Thus, in nowadays' society, and the future ages, conformity and individuality can never be separated and overemphasized of either one side, as long as they work their function together, can the society create the final prosperity.

木耳UID: 123036

忘了吧?
先把题号和题目写出来,这样改起来容易一些.

昨晚在猴哥模考上写的，看有没有一些改进。
Conformity and individuality are long argued by the society. For the virtue of their respective favors to the whole society,(这里是不是改用复数?) it is unfair to emphasize the importance of either one,(最好强调一下只重视一个;it is unfair to pay much more attention on one of them yet put the othe aside.) instead, they both deserve the society's attention and appropriate combination. Only if people utilize the two in a proper way as a coherent integration, then can the society exert its glorious luster.(我没见过这样的说法,不知道最后这半句这样说行不行)好!看第一段就知道有进步.语句,层次都有明显提高.

Admittedly, conformity is always playing an essential role during the long history of human beings. Just since people were born to the world first day, we(人称最好保持一致,前面用了human beings,后面用we就不好,改用they) have begun to live and work in a community, and spontaneously constructed the original society----experienced the tribal continents, simple nation, and nowadays democratic countries.(后半句是想说建立conformity吧?但例子不好.可以说伦理道德,法律等等.建立国家社会范围太广了) The society never give up to concerning about the importance of conformity, and never underestimate its great function, and for a long time, conformity has been regarded as the dominant position leading people's activities.(最后一句的后半句最好单独成句,加一个递进副词:moreover, furthermore.连用两个and总感觉不好.而且建议尽量使用递进关系,显得逻辑清晰,也有深度.再有一点:连续使用长句读着很累,重点也不突出.一两个分析性的长句之后,用一个短句作递进或总结,既有句式变化,也显得鲜明.)

从行文和逻辑来讲,这一段比昨天好多了. 只是例子还不够好.再有就是不要只是对例子,在例子前后要有分析性的语言,比如说你的第一段如果阐明问什么重要就更好了.最后,没有总结性的结尾语.

During the thorny path leading people improve forward, so many contribution and wealth created by people's cooperation can demonstrate thoroughly the significance of conformity. How can the intelligent computers come out? (个人不赞同使用设问句.Take...for example或...can give us a proper illustration点明下面要举例说明更好一些)Depend on people's cooperatively working.(这具又看出了中国英语的味道.Depending on...) How were so many satellites successfully sent to the universe? According to some diligent scientists' common researches. How was the serious pollution mitigated immediately? Because of the whole people's combination and all the governments' sponsor. All these vivid facts clearly describe the favorable circumstances created by conformity, even worldwide cooperation.不过如果你要使用排比句,设问也未尝不可.这段因该说明一下cooperation和conformity的关系.不然就跑题了.

However, with human beings' society stepping into the modern-era---a sophisticated world fraught diverse material, thoughts, miscellaneous things, the position of individuality is largely elevated. |Of course, people living in the world, firstly, act as many individuals, hold their own thought, distinct interests, and divergent value standards, certainly, call for their different individuality, especially, currently, people are more obsessed in endless profits, and reflect their different personalities, in order to demonstrate themselves as much as possible, accordingly, expressed their values to the society.|(老毛病又犯了!瞧瞧你这句有多长! 里面的逻辑关系又有多复杂?firstly,certainly,and, in order to, accordingly,细看一下你又是脑子里一边想中文一边直接翻成英文单词!你可能是这样想的:当然,人们生活在这个世界上,首先会和其他许多人一样,持有他们自己的独有思想,特别的兴趣和不同的价值观,毋庸置疑,所有这一切造成了不同的个性...我只是照词翻回中文,顺序都没变.可以用中文思考,而且事实上真正做到能用英文思考的夜市寥寥无几的.但翻译一定要从全局出发,从整体考虑.还是那句话先定主谓宾!语言的背后是思维方式,翻译是翻句子,而绝不是单词.这句的主语呢?又丢了吧? So the whole society are encouraging people's difference to on the one hand satisfy individuals psychological need, and stimulate them more productive and energetic, moreover, on the other hand, impulse the society's wholistic development for the ultimate prosperity. Bearing this benefit to both individuals and society, can any one distrust differences' significance?最好不要用问句.问号是什么意思?你在问读者吗?这种修辞用起来不妥.结尾是写结论的,要用精炼的语言准确的表明结论是什么.

It is true that more concentration and appreciation on individual differences can make the people great good, but if overestimate its influence, inevitably, the society will suffer from an unpredictable calamity. As the society becoming more and more incomprehensible and sophisticated due to the highly improving technology and science, more and more complicated things deserve our intensive attention and exploration on mysterious and enigmatic frontiers, such as the highly-visible outer space adventure, the protection towards endangered species, and the constraint of the horrible biochemical weaponry, and so forth. Can these profound programs be solved by only one person? Can these exquisite disciplines be accomplished by a handful of people? Can the society justifiably grant someone this arduous task? Perhaps, to any wise leader cannot make this presumptuous decision in that individuals' capacities are limited, and always with their special purposes and interests, maybe cause some detriment to the consummate flourishing.
设问可以用,但也不能没段都用.显得主观就不说了,重复一种手法给人的感觉也不好.而且不要为了凑字数硬编两个问句上去.说明问题就行了.

Thus, in nowadays' society, and the future ages, conformity and individuality can never be separated and overemphasized of either one side, as long as they work their function together, can the society create the final prosperity.

有很大进步.只是中间又出现了一个超长句.不过也不能一蹴而就嘛.
基本的结构还挺清晰.每段中的逻辑关系也还有板有眼.但还有几个问题:
1 每段开头句不要太长,简单明了突出重点的说明论点.分析的部分放到主体中去.
2 每一段多加分析说明的部分.像文中的conformity和cooperation,就要说明二者关系.
3 不要总用问句.问句最大的毛病就是主观而且含混不清.到底是你不清楚呢还是一总修辞?用一些强调句It is ...that...递进句not only...but also...转折句it is not...but...
4 从第一段看你的观点是balance.如果是这样的话,第二三段最好就不要用admittedly however,改用on one hand, on the othe hand先强调两者都重要.接下来再转折说过分强调哪一个都不行.

与上一篇相比有很大进步.再写一两篇估计就更好了.
加油啊!相信你会考好的!!

unique_dzUID: 142974

谢谢鼓励！我也相信