【独立写作】lee大乐的作业贴

lee大乐UID: 3360311

恩，1026，距离上篇作业已经20天了。。。不好，不能这样懒啦~

hb5404UID: 3214626

已改~我的对这次话题想法见我的文章吧~https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... xtra=#pid1776301345

lee大乐UID: 3360311

感谢LZ大人无私分享和修改。这么晚才交上来，实在抱歉。

mpromanusUID: 2565872

lee大乐 发表于 2012-12-23 16:35
感谢LZ大人无私分享和修改。这么晚才交上来，实在抱歉。

To improve the quality of education，universities should spend more money on professors' salaries. Agree or not?

Perhaps no issue in the world is as significant to students as education. To face the dramatically increase of student group (I'm not sure what you intend to express by 'increase of..group' here. A 'group' is not something you can 'increase', only a certain numerically measureable property of a group is, like its size, number of members, productivity, etc. Judging from the next sentence you seem to mean 'the increase of numbers of students' rather than anything else.), we people always show our worries about the ability of the exiting education system, especially higher education, to ensure all of them acquire an even quality of education. Unfortunately, the truth (Which truth is 'the' truth? What you say here is not necessarily the one and only truth for everyone. If you meant to translate 事实告诉我们, it should actually be translated as 'facts'. But even this is very vague and shady because it doesn't really specify what exactly these 'facts' are. It simply deems some possibly non-existent, vague sources out there as 'facts'. This is why people will tell you Chinese is a very abstract or 'fuzzy' language. Start thinking about what exactly you mean when you use certain words.) tells us about the growing education quality gap between different universities, and even how this makes a nightmare for many students. So, to improve the situation, a plenty of people assert universities should spend more money on professors’ salaries.(The existence of a quality gap in education is not the only topic under the broad umbrella of 'the quality of education'. By citing the quality gap in your introduction, you're setting yourself a boundary for your discussion. This is fine for TOEFL, but as far as a proper argumentative essay goes, you should justify why you have chosen to mention this particular bit of the overall topic instead of talking about 'quality of education' as a general issue.) In my humble view, I just cannot hold an optimistic attitude.

First of all, the salary is not the only reason for professors to make a perfect schooling schedule and improve the quality of their courses (Again, I'm not really sure why you specifically mentioned 'schedule' here. Is it of particular relevance to the question or your opinion? You can't just hope to throw anything that is associated with 'professors' and/or 'education' into this essay and that it would all make sense, because not everything about 'professors' or 'education' is relevant to the particular question you need to address. Writing such 'random' details without properly displaying a good reason for doing it, is one of the foremost things to avoid in good academic writing. You might be able to get away with a bit of such randomness for TOEFL as long as you don't go completely off topic, but you won't be able to get away easily with it in your future papers, especially if your supervisor happens to be as demanding as I am..). Of course, it is no doubt that money is so important to every professor, at least for living. However, to ensure a high quality of his or her courses, there are some things more than the salary, for example, the research atmosphere and financial support (The problem here is that you started saying 'money is important but there are things more than the salary', then you go on to cite 'financial support' as a 'thing more than the salary', without making clear how this 'financial support' is different from 'salary' or 'money' in your argument. Remember, your readers are not likely to be academics. They probably don't know what 'financial support' means in an academic/research setting and how it is different from salaries.). We all known that professors and scholars are an solid power of enhancing one nation’s science development in every realm, and as teachers, they are unusually delighted (Why 'unusual'? I don't see ) to make all of their achievements service to their own education, and that is an efficient method which contributes to provide more education than schooling to students. (I don't see how this last sentence relates to your previous sentence, or to the point in this paragraph ('the salary is not the only reason for professors to improve the quality of their courses'), or indeed how it relates to the purpose of the entire essay, which is about improving the quality of education. This is the kind of off-topic 'randomness' that I warned you about.)

Moreover, professors should not be the only role to be responsible for the education quality; the university itself cannot be ignored. How the higher education is different from the primary education is that what the university should give to students is not only the theories in books, but also the stages in reality (I'm not understanding this. It doesn't make sense to me even in Chinese.). As a bridge between students and the society, aiming at cultivating all-round elites to devote to the society, universities should focus on the capacities of students to apply knowledge to the practical. Thus, requires universities to create a bunch (This has become a rather informal word now and I'm getting annoyed by how frequently it starts to appear in the essays recently. There are myriads of more formal ways to say 'a bunch of', like 'an array of', 'a handful of', 'many', or indeed, 'myriads of'..) of opportunities for students to accumulate experience and practice the skills, and gradually, develop themselves perfectly. (Where is the subject of this sentence?) In other words, improve the education quality of the university itself.(Again, a subjectless sentence. This is allowed for giving commands directly to people as imperatives, e.g. 'Come here', 'Go away', 'Eat your carrots'. But please don't write sentences like these in a formal essay. (Unless you're writing a linguistics paper on imperatives, that is..))

Finally, to improve education quality of higher education is also a significant issue for a/the country, even the whole society. Higher education represents the ability of development in some degree for a country: the more highly quality educated people (Even in Chinese you'd say 受过高等教育的人, not 被高等教育过的人, in the sense that the 教育 here is necessarily a noun, not a verb. The problem with Chinese seems to be that since nouns and verbs of related meaning are very often the same in form like 教育（名词） and 教育（动词）, Chinese speakers don't often consciously think about word categories like nouns and verbs when they speak, and therefore make all sorts of category agreement errors when they do English..) a country has, the more likely a promising future the country will have. To push forward the quality of higher education, the macroscopic policy and supervision by the government ('supervision of the government' tend to mean the government is being supervised, not that the government is doing the supervising..) is the strongest insurance. The government investing more in the education is a good thing for the population, and vice versa.

In conclusion, to the puzzle that is to improve the quality of education, only to pay more for the professors is still far away from the right answers. To be responsible for that, the university itself, the government and we people should all take part in solving this problem, and step forward hand-in-hand. (I finally see what your point is, and how your sub-points are supposed to be all relevant..but this overall idea in the conclusion paragraph is not expressed in the introduction at all. In other words, you only manage to clearly tell your readers what exactly your point is in the very last paragraph. (This is said to be typical behavior for 'formal writing' in Chinese though, or so I was told.) Put your point in the introduction and the conclusion. Yes, I'm telling you to repeat your point. Of course you'd try to rephrase it a little but essentially you need to clearly tell people what your point is both upfront and at the end.)

(An entirely irrelevant comment: I find the separate mentions of 'the government' and 'we people' in the last paragraph very interesting..in a way this very usage would sort of imply that 'the government' is separate and different from 'we people'. Well, I'd think that's perhaps a subtle reflection of the current social attitude in the country..)

总结：

结果我读完了的想法是这片文的最大问题是水准飘忽瓦。。不管是要说你冠词没有记得用，还是表意不准确，都是只有在文章的某些部分出现得比较频繁，并没有全篇都一直出现同样的问题。。所以我只能说请你保持注意力集中了吧哈哈。。另外请注意，不光是说同意与否，你的overall论点，也就是你在这个问题上所持的具体态度，就是那个神马解决教育质量问题不能光靠教授还要上靠领导下靠群众这句话，请在第一段清楚拿出来，而不是在第一段布背景介绍到最后一段才来总结陈词。。你不把论点一开始就清楚拿出来所以才会造成我一直在那边质疑你写这个为了什么写那个为了什么因为我不知道你写这些其实是为一个我不知道是这样的点服务的 = =

lee大乐UID: 3360311

mpromanus 发表于 2012-12-27 09:45
To improve the quality of education，universities should spend more money on professors' salaries. ...

RO老师句句在理~~评价得我通体舒畅·~~任督二脉相通~~~
小朋友正疑惑于中式写作，望推荐能提升对英语本身的理解（特别是语言形成，文化之类的，能帮助形成地道语言思维）的相关材料（书、网页，erc.）
实在麻烦了~~~跪拜！

mpromanusUID: 2565872

lee大乐 发表于 2012-12-27 16:38
RO老师句句在理~~评价得我通体舒畅·~~任督二脉相通~~~
小朋友正疑惑于中式写作，望推荐能提升对英语本 ...

最重要的是你要看英文原文的材料，不要只看中文的介绍翻译。中文版可以拿来在英文版实在看不懂的时候参考一下，但不要靠那个来学英文。尤其是字典，要学会看英英字典而不是靠中文意思去学习英文词汇。

网站推荐wikipedia，虽然似乎在大陆被墙的。你可以先大致看一下中文维基百科的某个词条（比如，亚里士多德），然后连到其英文版本的Aristotle去看（维基百科每个词条页面左边都有这个词条在其他语言的版本的链接，很好用的）。可以学习词汇，也可以收集背景知识（话说我当年考的一个听力段子就是亚里士多德嘛。。）。

lee大乐UID: 3360311

mpromanus 发表于 2012-12-28 01:36
最重要的是你要看英文原文的材料，不要只看中文的介绍翻译。中文版可以拿来在英文版实在看不懂的时候参考 ...

thanks a lot~~~~底子薄的人一定要更努力~:loveliness:

lee大乐UID: 3360311

抠脑壳的丑文。。。啊。。。求指导~~

shancheUID: 3386780

不好意思 今天有点事情 明天吧改的作文发你

lee大乐UID: 3360311

最近感觉写作文口水话非常多。。。额。。。。sorry~

ETS清洁工UID: 3302838

改好了 晚了点~别见怪

lee大乐UID: 3360311

总是超时。。。考试也肯定写不完。。。

lee大乐UID: 3360311

ETS清洁工 发表于 2013-1-6 20:52
改好了 晚了点~别见怪

没有哈，这个本来就是大家相互学习的过程，当然在不耽误各自事情的前提下哦~~~加油加油~~~

月明日暗UID: 3400027

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