issue7,第一篇，写得自卑死了

mayuhaoUID: 131877

"The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records."

The arguer insists in the argument showed above that the video camera provide a more accurate and more convincing record of people's lives that it can obviously take position of the importance traditional form of documentation of written records. I confess there is something reasonable in the judgement but  the arguer must be a little arbitary to have omitted some important factors which makes me dare not totally agree with the opinion.

With the development of the technology,the people of the time have more medias which could keep our history permanently .Besides the written records,the video provide more accurate and more  vivid records of the past,especially some commemorative affairs.For instance,every time when i saw the record that the first astronaut of the human being landing on the moon,i am  always exclaimed  and  convulsed by the great achievement.The video give us not only the facts,more importantly,it gave us the opportunity to enjoy the exciting moment with the astronaut ,who took the first step out of our earth.Millions of people sitting before the TV set and shared with it,which the tranditional written record can not do.

But,in our long history,the written documentation,such as books,files,also give the people another enjoyment and another resonable way to get information and knowledge.Our textbook,our classical novels,and especially, the complex philosophy.Something is too complex to been shown in a video for people to learn .In a word ,when we reading,we thinking.we could even stop whenever we feel difficult to understand."Reading more the old books,and a person can
earn more from the new ones" .At the same time ,reading a book can give people  delight.When we read a novel,the hero's character must been imagined in the reader's mind,but as soon as the novel is played as a movie,maybe some of the hero's admirer may feel disppointed  to find that the actor is not just like what he have imagined.When we reading,we imagining,and we must confess that the imagine is such an important factors for a little children.

So,I feel that it is unreasonable to say that video camera has become a more important form of documentation than written records.Each one has its superority .When we want to record some important affairs ,give people some vivid showing ,maybe the video is a good choice.But when it comes to the  fields that one should put heart into and spend time mastering a special knowledge,maybe the  written records is more suitable.In sum ,people should make use both of the benefit of the inventions.

没作参考，花了一个多小时才挤出来的，痛苦死了。我该如何提高啊，感觉和GRE的要求有本质的差距！谢谢大家了。

木耳UID: 123036

改好了明天给你发上来.

feier521UID: 109747

The arguer insists in the argument showed above that the video camera provide(s) a more accurate and more convincing record of people's lives that it can obviously take position of the importance （important）traditional form of documentation of written records. I confess there is something reasonable in the judgement(judgment) but the arguer must be a little arbitary(arbitrary) to have omitted some important factors which makes me dare not totally agree with the opinion.(开头有点象argument，尤其是第一句，“arguer”用的不好。老是停留在同意或不同意作者的观点，而没有提出自己的观点（topic Sentence），而后者尤其重要)

With the development of the（去掉）technology,the（去掉） people of the time have more medias（media本身就是复数！） which could keep our history permanently（permanent） .Besides the written records（besides表明written records 也有同样的特征accurate vivid，那么你video 的more的比较对象是谁？？）,the video provide（s） more accurate and more vivid records of the past,especially some commemorative affairs.For instance,every time when i saw the record that the first astronaut of the human being landing on the moon,i am（时态不一致） always exclaimed and convulsed by the great achievement.The video give（？） us not only the facts,more importantly,it gave us the opportunity to enjoy the exciting moment with the astronaut ,who took the first step out of our earth.Millions of people sitting before the TV set and shared with it,which the tranditional （traditional）written record can not do.（例子举的还行）

But, in our long history, the written documentation, such as books, files, also give（gives） the people another enjoyment and another resonable（？） way to get information and knowledge. Our textbook, our classical novels, and especially, the complex philosophy（不是一个句子！）. Something is too complex to been shown in a video for people to learn .In a word, when we reading,we thinking.we could even stop whenever we feel difficult to understand. "Reading more the old books, and（去掉） a person can earn more from the new ones" （此句对你的观点无用，仅仅增加一个观点）.At the same time,reading a book can give people delight. When we read a novel, the hero's character must been imagined in the reader's mind, but as soon as the novel is played as a movie,maybe some of the hero's admirer may feel disppointed（disappointed） to find that the actor is not just like what he have imagined.(你的此处论述应该围绕book是如何give people delight来写，可是你有吗？体会一下。) When we reading, we imagining（用了两次啦，而且这种用法在issue里不提倡）, and we must confess that the imagine（imagination） is such an important factors（factor） for a little children（你看，最后一句完全和自己的主题没有关系，就是没话找话，又扩展了一个观点。大忌。）.（这段写的不好，有点乱，好像一个patchwork。比如按照你的观点，你可以分3个分论点写：1: help us to learn something difficulty that video can not do. 2:give people delight. 3: evoke people’s imagination.）

So, I feel that it is unreasonable to say that video camera has become a more important form of documentation than written records. Each one has its superority（superiority）.When we want to record some important affairs, give people some vivid showing ,maybe the video is a good choice. But when it comes to the fields that one should put heart into and spend time mastering a special knowledge(不可数), maybe（两个maybe就不要加了，这不是削弱你的结论吗）the written records is more suitable. In sum ,people should make use both of the benefit of the inventions. （结尾还可以）

论证注意层次条理。特别是3段。
不用郁闷，开始都这样的，努力就会进步的。：）

mayuhaoUID: 131877

谢谢feier521，谢谢木耳
没写过就想不到自己的单词拼写这么次，逻辑思维也大有问题啊。作文真是难，对我来说感觉就象逼着一个中学生写大学的毕业论文一样：（
我是在职的，考过六级都已经是4年多前的事了，没办法报班，只有自己努力了。
以后一定多多向各位请教了，先谢谢了！

genie05UID: 30358

最初由 feier521 发布
[B]The arguer insists in the argument showed above that the video camera provide(s) a more accurate and more convincing record of people's lives that it can obviou..

以下省略...... [/B]

嘿嘿，好久没有看见老爷爷你看作文了也。啪啪啪啪啪啪啪。

木耳UID: 123036

先改一段吧

The arguer（我暑假上新东方时孙远说过a中最好用arguer,而i则要用speaker.老孙的很多提纲我不敢苟同，但他的语言功底确非我辈所能比。） insists in the argument（？？这是issue吧？就算你借用argument的开头，也要做一些改动吧？不能照抄呀！） showed above that the video camera provide（单数） a more accurate and more convincing record of people's lives that it can obviously take position of the importance（删掉，直接说traditional form就行了） traditional form of documentation of written records.（这么多of，这个句子写得不好。…that it can obviously take place of written records, the traditional form.） I confess (that)there is something reasonable in the judgement(拼写错误) but the arguer must be a little arbitary（拼写错误） to have omitted（这个词也用得不好） some important factors which makes（复数） me dare not（dare not?dare:胆敢。Dare not:不敢。不能这样写的） totally agree with the opinion.

还有，文章中的每个分句之间，就是逗号之后，要空格；而你没有注意这一点，以后要注意了。

在职靠G挺让人敬佩的。没关系，写几篇，把那些共性的问题克服了，文章的质量会有一个大的提高。坛子里有不少好东西，自己找找吧。
加油！

木耳UID: 123036

With the development of the technology, the people of the time（Nowadays people） have more medias(media好像没有复数吧？) which could keep our history permanently .Besides the written records,（泛指就可以了，没有必要用the） the video provide（单数.video也是，泛指就行了） more accurate and more vivid records of the past, especially some commemorative affairs. For instance, every time when i （大写）saw the record that the first astronaut of the human being landing on the moon,（that 后世定语从句吧？少谓语了：that recorded  i am always exclaimed and convulsed by the great achievement. The video give us not only the facts, more importantly, it gave（注意时态） us the opportunity to enjoy the exciting moment with the astronaut, who took the first step out of our earth. Millions of people sitting before the TV set and shared with it, which the tranditional written record can not do.最后一句有些突兀。总觉得该放在那个例子里。最后一句最好总结一下
这段语言上的错误少了些，比第一段好许多。

不知道你有没有看过置顶的[共性问题]那篇文章。没有的话好好看一下，你的很多问题在里面都能找到。

mayuhaoUID: 131877

谢谢指点！