Issue41 请多指教！

hxfUID: 155815

Issue41 "Such nonmainstream areas of inquiry as astrology, fortune-telling, and psychic and paranormal pursuits play a vital role in society by satisfying human needs that are not addressed by mainstream science."

There is a complicated and controversial issue about which one of nonmainstream culture and mainstream culture is more important. In terms of my personal experience and observation of life, I believe that while nonmainstream culture play a vital role in society mainstram culture is more significant to the development of individuals and society than the former, and there are many examples supporting my view. In the following analysis, I would like to provide some important evidences to substantiate my standpoint.

In the first place, it is true that some nonmainstream areas of inquiries play very important roles in the society because they satisfy the curiosity of people to the unknown world. For example, astrology, fortune-telling, and paranormal pursuits are all results caused by the fact that people are full of curiosities to the unknown world and they take best efforts to learn about what they do not know. In addition, people may escape from the reality by some nonmainstream areas of inquiry. For example, by Tiao Da Shen, a Chinese ceremony, people mistakenly think that their relatives’ disease can be cured and they acquire the short disengagement from the sorrow.

However, compared with nonmainstream culture, the mainstream culture is obviously more vital to the development of people. It is not difficult to find that most of people receive the formal education in the society today, which is one of the mainstream areas of inquiry. By the formal education, people learn scientific and technological knowledge, which will help them to make achievements in the future. Furthermore, it is also through developing mainstream culture that a nation can try to perpetuate the ideas that it favors and discard the ideas that it fears.

Last but not least, there is another reason why I consider the mainstream culture more important. Although nonmainstream areas of inquiry can satisfy human needs that are not addressed by mainstream science, overemphasizing nonmainstream culture would be harmful to the improvement of the culture and might lead to degradation of the society. For example, fortune-telling is a very popular phenomenon in the rural areas, however, people who believe this kind of idea are usually less educated, and if too many persons devote themselves in this region the science would not be developed, the culture would not be advocated, and the society would be in disorder.

In conclusion, due to analysis and reasons mentioned above, which sometimes correlate with each other to form an organic whole and thus become more convincing than any one of them, we may safely arrive at the conclusion that mainstream culture plays more significant role in the society and we should advocate developing it.

chicagochenUID: 116575

sorry for the late reply.
Generally it is a good issue.一篇模板化的gre考试作文。
and the following are my personal suggestions(there is no garantee it is necessarily right):
1.the first paragraph acutually says nothing but the view the writer supports.Though it is a good way to begin your article in this simply and time-saving way, it may be better to write sentences that really  make sense to ensure a higher score.
2.For the second paragraph, it may be better to begin by" Admittedly, it is true that" or" there is no denying the fact that.." instead of"In the first place..." as what you dicuss in this paragraph is not what you support.
"astrology, fortune-telling, and paranormal pursuits are all results caused by the fact that people are full of curiosities to the unknown world and they take best efforts to learn about what they do not know". There seems nothing wrong with people's curiority.
3.the writer is wise by not mistaking the religion belief for those non-stream culture.Some Christian may think differently of the world: they may argue that Humans worship the god not because they are liltte educated and knowes litter about the true nature but due to the reason that they have the subliminal infuence from the god who create them.It is better to avoid any religion and political ideas in our ariticle for tests.
4.The two point the writer list to demonstrate his viewpoint would be of more help if he can dicuss them more thoroughly.
5.As a matter of fact, when you traslate this article back into Chinese, you will find how plain it is.The writer just finish the work of writing insteand of impressing his/her readers with outstanding ideas or wonderful words.
（ i hope the above will help; and sorry i can not say more now because i willo have my midtern tomorrow.)

paisleyUID: 64183

我请英语版的斑竹帮你改了作文，以上是他的意见

kzmUID: 157203

总觉得说的不够充分
第二段比第一段还长，第二段才应该是写的重点啊

hxfUID: 155815

多谢指教，这篇是40分钟限时完成的。自己感觉也不好，应该不是good issue