文书写作二三谈（长文，持续更新）

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violetblood 发表于 2014-7-3 10:50
LZ这是真的坑了么……

别这样好么。。。lz最近忙坏了。一定会update的

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膜拜之！！！！！1

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仔细看看~正需要呢

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马一记~~

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求看求看

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赞一个

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bucuo! mark!

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一定要更啊，不然中国这些所谓的高端中介害人不浅大家还都不知道！！我感觉是不是中国人的钱太好赚了

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case 3 自黑太严重了

本文的申请者背景--本科是北大经院本科 gpa 3.6+ 还有北大数学双学位，某个欧资投行S&T和BOCI都有实习经历。文书是中介给写的，但是她自己看过后被吓死了

Burying seeds deep in heart

The beginning of my interest was established in the moot scalping contest. Our investment of Growth Enterprise Market in the contest turned out to be a failure which is out of our expectation since it is considered to be one of the most prospective markets in China. In my later research I found out that the failure in the real market practice is due to the lack of effective development and management since we are still at the enlightenment period where much improvement is in great needs, which is neglected but plays essential role in Chinese economy. From then on, I was attracted by finance, especially the real capital market practice, which requires quantitative techniques with practical, hands-on business problem solving towards piles of “uncertainty” in the real practice and understandings of the whole picture of the market as well as every single detail. Thus, I set to with a will to probe into financial filed so as to boost the economy in China.

第一段写的很绕，那个所谓的contest在申请者的简历上都没有，就哗啦啦的一段。貌似想说中国处在发展的初级阶段，市场都存在一些畸形的管制，所以有些想当然的东西行不通，但是都用的是enlightenment period这种虚词。然后说对金融感兴趣，学习这个学科的理由是boost the economy in China…这不是闹笑话么，毕业能找到工作就知足了吧。中国经济又不是一个人的事情

Bringing myself in full play- the sprout
My passion for the subject expanded when I chose the double major of Finance and Statistics at Peking University, one of the best and competitive universities in China, where, step-by-step, I efficiently built my fruitful backgrounds by ranking at the top 15% of my class. I have learned several evaluation models such as Capital Asset Pricing Model and Black Scholes Option Pricing Model and developed my special interest in Aggregative Economics, which explains and links the complicated economic phenomenon by simple but rigorous model framework so as to provide driving force for development. Thanks to my well-founded grounding in maths, I was not only impressed by, but had a great grasp of the arduous, controversial but magnificent process.

这段很多显而易见的错误。应该是the most competitive 还有这些CAPM这些东西不叫evaluation model吧。Evaluation这词是说的这东西好还是坏，打分用的，作者列举的这些模型也不是金融业说的valuation。所以这里这么写太荒谬了。然后说作者的意思是说我的数学基础很好，但是well-founded这个词中介老师搞错了，报告论文观点等有理有据可以用well-founded 因为这词是有理有据的意思。和基础牢靠没关系。后面那句是中文翻译的，我也看不懂。



With Gradually deep learning in the field of finance, I have seen a real business empire behind these figures, longing to be adept in the finance world. Cooperating with my tutor, I indulge myself in a disquisition focusing on the analysis on the impact of the Hong Kong RMB market over the price fixing strategy of RMB offshore and onshore, which focuses on the onshore CNY deliverable forward market, offshore Non-deliverable forward market and the new CNH Deliverable forward market in Hong Kong from both the theoretical and empirical perspectives. During the research process, thought of utilizing econometric models and time series analysis to structure an innovative model earned recognition from my tutor, which greatly demonstrated my strong quantitative analysis ability. The final will be soon published estimated in early 2013.The two projects enabled me to see my talents for holding the overall situation and finding a breakthrough point, which earned me praises from professors and more importantly, confidence for future studies for financing.

什么叫real business empire？ 专业人士不要用empire这种文艺词，记者吹捧大佬用的，什么叫studies for financing… financing和finance是两码事情好么？

写这个人民币国际化研究的事情，想说的是申请者能够熟练运用统计软件进行数据的处理和计量建模，并且曾经通过对模型的十几次改动和调整，最终找到一个合理的模型来拟合人民币价差的变化和套利行为之间的关系。上述关于人民币国际化的研究还可以挑重点说一下运用时间序列模型（VAR模型），计量经济学检验方法和多元统计因子分析等方法，第一次提出了对在岸和离岸人民币价差影响因素的定量实证分析。本人申请者的写这段经历的目的是要向校方展示这些经历...这些在这个文书里都没有得到体现


Becoming perfect through practice-the trunk
The accumulation of hands-on experiences is also vital to improving both my academic developments and interpersonal skills. My knowledge of the fundamentals of strategy, decision analysis, accounting, marketing, operations, and finance made me more attractive to managers and I was given the skills to hit the ground running once I've landed a position. During my internship at BNP Paribas, I obtained the ability to apply the academic knowledge into real situation which I learned a lot from my warm and friendly director and colleagues., I was in charge of summarizing weekly research reports on financial markets and forming regular reports on G7 currencies and market overviews independently, which sedulously fostered my specialization and academic knowledge. These enabled me to view the picture that the financial data could act as a mirror reflecting the operation situation of a company. However, in the initial period of the internship, I was scared of making mistakes and was shy in the communication with my director, which resulted in the poor efficiency in my work. Then, I came to realize the importance of communication. Thanks to my amiable director, who encouraged me to be brave to ask questions and take the initiative in making acquaintances, I could overcome that shortcoming quickly which benefited my future life a lot.

My knowledge后面的那串好像有重叠的地方，而且和上文的那些铺垫有什么关系呢？ 最雷人的槽点在made me more attractive..这里太误会了。表达出的意思是you are sexually appealing to your manager..而不是说你成了老板最爱的门徒。求别自黑。什么叫operation situation？ 直接说operation就可以了啊。后面的however跑题好厉害，变成了这个和蔼可亲的小老板的ps

Being multi-talents-branches and leaves
Apart from academic study and professional practice, influences which have shaped the person who I am today are social activities. I started the publication and worked as the chief editor of Economic Comments at sophomore. The high reputation among the professors and students proved my talents. Working as the Minister of the Publicity Department of the Student Union and the major proposer of the 1st ‘Youth Conference on EFCA’ between Mainland and Taiwan, I collaborated with schools and organizations in Taiwan and drew the overall proposals for the activity. The conference enjoyed considerable success and established a long-term communication platform. The experience of organization and participation in such campaigns on the school level cultivated a high sense of responsibility, efficiency and creativity in me, which are the key qualities lead to a success in the domain of financing.

第一句好像是病句…key qualities后面也是错的…leading up to a successful financial career是比较妥帖的讲法。 换位思考，如果你是读者，一个学金融的学生，分不清楚finance和financing的区别，你敢收么？

Beginning a new voyage in life- blossom and fruits
As I am approaching the end of my degree, I am keen to deepen my current knowledge by taking a master’s degree and I believe the MSc in Finance at LSE can really make a difference. LSE offers a unique opportunity to study the social sciences in a university institution with a worldwide academic reputation, while enjoying the cultural, social and recreational facilities of one of the world's greatest capital cities. Given that your esteem school is renowned of gathering genius world-widely, I have been ready for facing fierce competition if admitted.

伦敦是个metropolitan city…你可以写它的openness它的cultural diversity什么的，但求别写greatest capital cities这种土话…还有gathering genius这种..太吓人了。

As ultimate career goal, I would like to start at an international financial institution as an excellent finance manager of Sales and Trading department or Asset management, where I could work closely related to the real capital market, be analytical and problem-solving and add value for clients. China has just opened the transaction of collar option and there are many more financial systems and products remained incomplete, which greatly limited the market efficiency. I really wish to further my studies at LSE. It would be extraordinarily pleasing if I can lend myself to the development of to the germination of capital market of my motherland to foster the economic boom and to see how it happens in the real market is an important part of learning. After so many years of irrigation and struggle, the seed buried early in my life has extended deep into the soil of finance, which it is time for it to blossom.

where I could work closely related to the real capital market, be analytical and problem-solving and add value for clients.—这是病句错句。还有后面那些母国什么的，灌溉啊种子啊沃土啊开花啊，主要写的也毫无美感啊.......

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violetblood 发表于 2014-7-3 10:50
LZ这是真的坑了么……

我这不是更新了么。。。

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MARK

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谢谢！