issue45 revised by paisley and simonhui

runnerioUID: 152251

issue45  
"Government officials should rely on their own judgment rather than
unquestioningly carrying out the will of the people whom they serve."

正文：

The speaker oversimplifies the relationship between the government officials and the people they serve, and consequently make a somewhat naive claim. In my point of view, both relying merely on the official's own judgment and unquestioningly carrying out the will of their people are not desirable access to solve problems, and a more sensible solution is to combine the two aspects, namely taking into account both the officials’ own idea and the will of the populace.

On the one hand, do government officials rely on their own judgment, people risk the despotism and abuse of power of the placemen. Government represents the interests of the whole nation whose people select their leaders with hope that the government can best serve their country. If the latter neglects populace’s will or put them to a subsidiary place, and just cogitate by themselves, a disaster may be forthcoming. For one thing, no person is born perfect, which means that any people may commit fallacy, however, when the misleading notions come to the strategy of the government, things become more serious in that it relate with the whole nation’s interest rather than some individuals’. If an official solve problems only by his or her own judgment, and meanwhile it is a erroneous one, then obviously the profits of populace will at a loss ,or will be influenced at least, which perceptibly not the citizenry’s expectation .  For another, if the people think their will are overlooked, they may feel the government no longer represents their interests, and become disappointed about their leaders, even demur to the future policy of the government, after all, no men want their ideas be neglected.

On the other hand, if officeholders unquestionly carrying out the will of the populace, the government may become a stiff machine which has little efficiency. Since the populace themselves sometimes do not know what is best for them and what is really beneficial to them ,and hence make fallacious or not so sensible decisions which may actually harm them while ostensibly be favorable to them. Then if government unquestioningly carries out such kind of will, it ,to a large extent , may lead to a counterproductive effect, even disaster.

And I maintain that a high effective and efficient government should take the will of the citizenry into account and meanwhile add to their own judgments. It is the government ‘s responsibility and obligation to put the populace's interests to the first place every minute and everywhere. When the citizenry's will indeed do good to them , government should carry out unconditionally。Conversely, when they make a not so advisable judgment ,government should contemplates  the best resolution which really benefits the populace ,and at the same utilizes diverse accesses ,the mass media for example ,to make the public to understand such solution indeed profits them, otherwise the possible misconstruction of the populace may bring in other problems  . By this means can the government to realize their responsibility to the whole country.

To summarize, realizing the negative effect of the above two extreme accesses when solving problems ,the government should make a best choice ,namely a combination of both the government’s and its people’s ideas, since the policy is so important an issue related to the interests of the whole nation that no cursory judgments are allowed .As long as the will of people is really beneficial  to the whole country, government should carry out their will unconditionally, in that it represents the whole country's profits.

paisleyUID: 64183

The speaker oversimplifies the relationship between the government officials and the people they serve, and consequently make a somewhat naive claim. In my point of view, both relying merely on the official's own judgment and unquestioningly carrying out the will of their people are not desirable access to solve problems, and a more sensible solution is to combine the two aspects, namely taking into account both the officials’ own idea and the will of the populace.

On the one hand, do government officials rely on their own judgment（这个do放句首的写法我没碰见过，可能是我孤陋寡闻，呵呵）, people risk the despotism and abuse of power of the placemen. Government represents the interests of the whole nation whose people select their leaders with hope that the government can best serve their country. If the latter（前一句话指代的地方很多，这里的latter看不出到底是谁） neglects populace’s will or put them to a subsidiary place, and just cogitate by themselves, a disaster may be forthcoming. For one thing, no person is born perfect, which means that any people may commit fallacy, however, when the misleading notions come to the strategy of the government, things become more serious in that it relate（是relates） with the whole nation’s interest rather than some individuals’. If an official solve（是solves） problems only by his or her own judgment, and meanwhile it is a erroneous one, then obviously the profits of populace will at a loss ,or will be influenced at least, which perceptibly not the citizenry’s expectation . For another, if the people think their will（后面是are，这里应是wills） are overlooked, they may feel the government no longer represents their interests, and become disappointed about their leaders, even demur to the future policy of the government, after all, no men want their ideas （少to） be neglected.

On the other hand, if officeholders unquestionly（是unquestionably） carrying（应是carry，否则句子缺少谓语） out the will of the populace, the government may become a stiff machine which has little efficiency. Since the populace themselves sometimes do not know what is best for them and what is really beneficial to them ,and hence make fallacious or not so sensible（unwise即可） decisions which may actually harm them while ostensibly be favorable to them. Then if government unquestioningly carries out such kind of will, it ,to a large extent , may lead to a（很少说a effect的） counterproductive effect, even disaster.

And I maintain that a high effective and efficient government should take the will of the citizenry into account and meanwhile add to their own judgments. It is the government ‘s responsibility and obligation to put the populace's interests to the first place every minute and everywhere. When the citizenry's will indeed do good to them , government should carry out unconditionally。中文的句号？Conversely, when they make a not so advisable（要写 not-so-advisable，表示是一个形容词） judgment ,government should contemplates the best resolution which really benefits the populace ,and at the same utilizes diverse accesses ,the mass media for example ,to make the public to understand such solution indeed profits them, otherwise the possible misconstruction of the populace may bring in other problems . By this means can the government to realize their responsibility to the whole country.

To summarize, realizing the negative effect of the above two extreme accesses when solving problems ,the government should make a best choice ,namely a combination of both the government’s and its people’s ideas, since the policy is so important an issue related to the interests of the whole nation that no cursory judgments are allowed .As long as the will of people is really beneficial to the whole country, government should carry out their will unconditionally, in that it represents the whole country's profits.

总的来说文章写的不错，说理很清楚，语言也很清晰流畅。但是小错误不少，包括一些低级错误。下次最好留几分钟最后检查一下。

文中还有好几处标点的错误，标点前面不该空格，应该空在后面，还有单引号打错的。我没有指出来，你可以自己改改。

文章还可以再写的深入一点，如果你有兴趣可以参考该帖：《在本版找前人作文的方法》http://211.151.90.54/bbs/showthr ... hlight=%CC%E2%BA%C5


希望你也能多多修改其他朋友的文章。尤其是提点结构上和想法上的建议。因为你不可能每个题目都练过来啊，看别人的题目，自己脑子过一遍,既可以给别人提建议，自己又多了一次训练的机会.为别人服务的人优先得到斑竹的修改哦！


平时最好也能多多阅读，不要读过就算，要注意人家的谋篇布局、用词、构思等等，对你的作文大有好处，同时也有助于你的GRE阅读

simonhuiUID: 128708

原来咱两个是一天考试阿！
我也是22号，在北京，你呢？
我看看你的作文阿，得等会儿，呵呵，比较慢的说。

simonhuiUID: 128708

issue45
"Government officials should rely on their own judgment rather than
unquestioningly carrying out the will of the people whom they serve."

正文：

The speaker oversimplifies the relationship between the government officials and the people they serve, and consequently make a somewhat naive claim. In my point of view, both relying merely on the official's own judgment and unquestioningly carrying out the will of their people are not desirable access to solve problems, and a more sensible solution is to combine the two aspects, namely taking into account both the officials’ own idea and the will of the populace.

On the one hand, do government officials rely on their own judgment, people risk the despotism and abuse of power of the placemen. 可以把do放在句首吗？读得有点别扭阿 Government represents the interests of the whole nation whose people select their leaders with hope that the government can best serve their country. If the latter指的是谁啊？ neglects populace’s will or put them to a subsidiary place, and just cogitate by themselves如果指leaders,你前面用的是单数阿，前后矛盾了, a disaster may be forthcoming. For one thing, no person is born perfect, which means that any people may commit fallacy,应该以用句号 however, when the misleading notions come to the strategy of the government, things become more serious in that it relaterelates with the whole nation’s interest rather than some individuals’. If an official solve problems only by his or her own judgment, and meanwhile it is a erroneous one, then obviously the profits of populace will at a loss ,or will be influenced at least, which perceptibly not the citizenry’s expectation . For another, if the people think their will are overlooked, they may feel the government no longer represents their interests, and become disappointed about their leaders, even demur to the future policy of the government, after all, no men want their ideas be neglected.
条理比较清晰，如果能在结尾处呼应一下段落开头就更好了

On the other hand, if officeholders unquestionly carrying carrying??out the will of the populace, the government may become a stiff machine which has little efficiency. Since the populace themselves sometimes do not know what is best for them and what is really beneficial to them ,and hence make fallacious or not so sensible decisions which may actually harm them while ostensibly be favorable to them. Then if government unquestioningly carries out such kind of will, it ,to a large extent , may lead to a counterproductive effect, even disaster.
这一段感觉说理很清楚，如果能有个例证就更有力了，哪怕只是提一两句话的例子
And I maintain that a high effective and efficient government should take the will of the citizenry into account and meanwhile add to their own judgments. It is the government ‘s responsibility and obligation to put the populace's interests to the first place every minute and everywhere. When the citizenry's will indeed do good to them , government should carry out unconditionally。Conversely, when they make a not so advisable judgment ,government should contemplates the best resolution which really benefits the populace ,and at the same utilizes diverse accesses ,the mass media for example ,to make the public to understand such solution indeed profits them, otherwise the possible misconstruction of the populace may bring in other problems . By this means can the government to realize their responsibility to the whole country.

To summarize, realizing the negative effect of the above two extreme accesses when solving problems ,the government should make a best choice ,namely a combination of both the government’s and its people’s ideas, since the policy is so important an issue related to the interests of the whole nation that no cursory judgments are allowed .As long as the will of people is really beneficial to the whole country, government should carry out their will unconditionally, in that it represents the whole country's profits.


整体感觉：论证框架很清晰明了，说理也比较透彻
我就直接扔砖头了，
1 全文缺少有力的例证来支撑，假设的语气过多了一点，
2 有一些小错，语言和标点的都有，
呵呵，个人意见，参考一下就行哦

runnerioUID: 152251

蓝田日暖玉生烟,:) 你的名字好长哦,我直接粘贴下来的， 谢谢你的批改,我仔细看了一下,这么多语法错误,汗ing,要好好注意才是.时间不多了,我决定每天坚持发一篇,改一篇,呵呵

simonhui,谢谢你的砖头哦,你说出了我一个最大的缺点---没有例证,我也很苦恼呢,找不到例子啊,我的课外知识比较浅薄哦,:( 你有没有什么好的建议呢?
还有,我是3.23 在武汉考,我没算上今天,所以就是9天了,:)不管怎么样,我们共同努力吧,:)加油!

simonhuiUID: 128708

我觉得现在再去看课外书肯定来不及了，去精华区的题目讨论理解区看一看大家的理解吧，里面有时会有很生动的例子。还有。。算了，你qq是多少，我加你，然后给你穿过去吧
好的，我们一起努力啊！

btw, 纠正你一个小错误，二楼的是paisleyJJ哦，我们的斑竹哦，那句诗可不是她的名字啊，：）