issue233 教育类 大家帮忙批批

tinyscintillaUID: 150098

------题目------
Although innovations such as video, computers, and the Internet seem to offer schools improved methods for instructing students, these technologies all too often distract from real learning.
------正文------
When we enter the electronic era, some innovations such as video, computes, and Internet become dispensable methods for instructing students. Those approve them sing high praise for its merits while there are many persons holding critical attitude towards them.

On the one hand, those electronic innovations bring numerous revolutionary changes to our traditional education. First, they provide us various instructing tools other than paper-based methods. For example, before the electronic era, we can only use books and papers. We must listen carefully in class and take detailed notes. If one fails to attend the class, he has to bring others notes and spend more time on it. We often can see the teachers laboriously explaining an abstract knowledge to us, such as the procedure of automobile production. But his students sometimes are puzzled at the complicated procedure. However, if he uses the video to show the procedure vividly, most of his students can get them without any trouble. Second, the new tools bring different teachers to us whenever and wherever we want. The traditional methods are face-to -face teaching. The only instructors are the teachers in schools.  But we can buy the teaching tapes and learn follow them again and again until we totally master the knowledge. We can attain the net classes and choose any excellent teachers worldwide through the internet. Whenever we meet problems, we can put them on BBS. Whoever can answer them will be our teachers, be the elders, or the younger.

When we cheer for the tremendous promotions by the new innovations, on the other hand, we can not neglect the negative effects the modern technology cast to us. In the first place, many students suffer form an internet addict symptom. They spend all day long on the computer, chatting, playing Internet games and also making friends. Although many of them aware that they should indulge themselves in the net world but they are disable to inhibit the strongly desire to open their computers again. Let alone the countless hours and money they spent on them, the deterioration of their eyesight and academic performance are the inevitable problems. Second, this addiction also destroys their mental health. Numerous psychological studies show that indulging in Internet will lead to social withdraw. The students get used to an illusive world, making friends there and also have a community life. However, although there are some similar aspects between real world and net world, they are indeed different. One can do everything he wants to do in net world, for he has no responsibility. But he has to restrict his behavior in real world. So some psychologists find there are many net addicts fail to adjust themselves to the realistic restrictions. What they can do is avoid the real social contact. Unfortunately, on one can live without other people, one has to interplay with others sooner or later. As a result, the social withdraw will incur various mental problems, such as depressions, anxiety and phobias.

To sum up, the electronic innovation is a double-edged sword; the instructors should keep a cool mind to their merits and demerits. The teachers and educators have the responsibilities to guide the students in a proper way to take advantage of the benefits one can get from new technology. Meanwhile, the teachers should also train the self -control characteristics of the students, by which they can resist the temptation of indulging in the net world and keep calm when facing the information exploding era.

paisleyUID: 64183

麻烦你改改这位同学的作文好吗？我也把你的作文的URL发给他了，你们可以互相改，互相帮助啊。比干等着强哦

https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=175674

希望你也能多多修改其他朋友的文章。尤其是提点结构上和想法上的建议。因为你不可能每个题目都练过来啊，看别人的题目，自己脑子过一遍,既可以给别人提建议，自己又多了一次训练的机会.为别人服务的人优先得到斑竹的修改哦！

tinyscintillaUID: 150098

谢谢Paisley的提醒， 我会改变时间安排的。

PhoebuswangUID: 158473

------题目------
Although innovations such as video, computers, and the Internet seem to offer schools improved methods for instructing students, these technologies all too often distract from real learning.
------正文------
When we enter the electronic era, some innovations such as video, computes, and Internet become dispensable methods for instructing students. Those approve them sing high praise for its merits while there are many persons holding critical attitude towards them.(此句话结构上面有问题，WHILE两边应该是并列的结构，还有感觉你第一段虽简洁却没有明确的观点，写作大忌啊）

On the one hand, those electronic innovations bring numerous revolutionary changes to our traditional education. First, they provide us various instructing tools other than paper-based methods. For example, before the electronic era, we can only use books and papers. We must listen carefully in class and take detailed notes. If one fails to attend the class, he has to bring others notes and spend more time on it. We often can see the teachers laboriously explaining an abstract knowledge to us, such as the procedure of automobile production. But his students sometimes are puzzled at the complicated procedure. However, if he uses the video to show the procedure vividly, most of his students can get them without any trouble. Second, the new tools bring different teachers to us whenever and wherever we want. The traditional methods are face-to -face teaching. The only instructors are the teachers in schools. But we can buy the teaching tapes and learn follow them again and again until we totally master the knowledge. We can attain the net classes and choose any excellent teachers worldwide through the internet. Whenever we meet problems, we can put them on BBS. Whoever can answer them will be our teachers, be the elders, or the younger.
（论证有一定的道理，但是里面词语错误很多，还有一些逻辑错误，例如广义上面的INSTRUCTOR 因该还有书籍吧。。。）

When we cheer for the tremendous promotions by the new innovations, on the other hand, we can not neglect the negative effects the modern technology cast to us. In the first place, many students suffer form an internet addict symptom. They spend all day long on the computer, chatting, playing Internet games and also making friends.（多余） Although many of them aware（have the awareness that)  they should (not)indulge themselves in the net world but they are disable to inhibit the strongly desire to open their computers again. Let alone the countless hours and money they spent on them, the deterioration of their eyesight and academic performance are the inevitable problems. Second, this addiction also destroys their mental health. Numerous psychological studies show that indulging in Internet will lead to social withdraw. The students get used to an illusive world, making friends there and also have a community life. However, although there are some similar aspects between real world and net world, they are indeed(essentially) different. One can do everything he wants to do in net world, for he has no responsibility. But he has to restrict his behavior in real world. So some psychologists find there are many net addicts fail to adjust themselves to the realistic restrictions. What they can do is avoid the real social contact. Unfortunately, on one can live without other people, one has to interplay with others sooner or later. As a result, the social withdraw will incur various mental problems, such as depressions, anxiety and phobias.
( 给出的理由有一定道理，但是用词和论证逻辑上面还需要加强）

To sum up, the electronic innovation is a double-edged sword; the instructors should keep a cool mind to their merits and demerits. The teachers and educators have the responsibilities to guide the students in a proper way to take advantage of the benefits one can get from new technology. Meanwhile, the teachers should also train the self -control characteristics of the students, by which they can resist the temptation of indulging in the net world and keep calm when facing the information exploding era.（结尾因该是概括而不是局限于某一具体现象与措施）
  


本文结构和内容上问题不大，但是作者还是应该努力加强语言，毕竟OUTSTANDING的文章是需要语言，内容，结构和深度的高度结合的）

tinyscintillaUID: 150098

谢谢phoebuswang的修改，主题段是应该写清立场，我的确不太善于很精练地来阐述问题,痛苦啊。不过我有两点不太认同：
第一，我认为我用instructor没错，因为我看了许多美国学校的网页，他们都称导师为instructor，此外在金山词霸上的唯一释义也是“教师，讲师”。
第二，我觉得最后一段可以这样结束，因为重复开头段，不太好，那么就为避免消极方面提点建议吧。

不知道你是怎么看的，其它牛牛们， 你们怎么看呢？

PasterUID: 158653

computer的例子也可以用在issue159 噢（我刚写的 但不如你写的好）
孙远在 工具箱 里也提到有关的论证了 在section two
加油哦 比我写的好多了 我4.9考 所以要加油了

tinyscintillaUID: 150098

谢谢paster的鼓励，我3月31日，你比较聪明，你要多多发贴啊，我发现我都太晚了。