[未归类] 帮改了论坛里的一篇独立写作。大家可以看看。 [复制链接]

Sword23
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电梯直达

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发表于 2014-9-6 21:43:14 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 Sword23 于 2014-9-6 21:45 编辑

最近重回论坛，发现咱们论坛也变了不少了，这是有多少年没来了。顺手点开一篇独立写作。修改意见如下。

1、Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? At universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support.

As more and more people go to colleges and universities, the construction of the campus has been seen importantly. There are some people advocate that financial support should be given to not only sports and social activities but also classes and libraries evenly. To consider in a proper and ginger way, I would like to agree with this idea. And my reasons are manifested below.
作者的开头存在比较严重的问题，开头最重要的功能是引入，也就是说从话题过度到观点的能力，但是作者的这个开头是明显的套话，随着越来越多的人去大学这种现象（第一句的现象）怎么就导致一些人的观点（第二句的情况）认为财政应该被学习和体育均分呢？显然，作者在开头的introduce方面，也就是引入方面存在很大的问题，是作者开头写作能力不足的体现。

Firstly, social activities and sports themselves are proved to be crucial to the development of personality. For an instance, we may say that a person who play guitar beautifully would be very popular among friends and he or she can show themselves to the public confidently in a party or other public space. And that would add a lot of positive factors to a person's characteristics. （作者的举例并不恰当，作者举得例子并不符合人性的发展，也没有讲清楚上面的例子叙述中增加了人的性格或者特性是怎么回事，况且性格或者品质也无法单独用增加和减少来讲清楚）The same （出现same这样的指示代词时，必须明确其指代对象，在前面的叙述过程中由于出现了较多的事情，在此指代不清晰。）thing happen to those who have a strong body and are outstanding in a certain sport. Therefore, a college which provides a lot of places and platforms for people to do social work or sports would be appreciated by their students for its contribution to their building of personality.

Secondly, people often communicate a lot and make friends in a relaxing place such as place for sports and social activities, and these friends they know from different areas may help them do their work in classes and libraries. An example is not too far to reach. Jack may practice badminton a lot and know Jay from the sports center. And then they find that they actually go to the same geometry class. Therefor, they naturally start to collaborate and do work together when they are told to find team to do a project for the class. （这个论述既没有解释清楚也没有太强的代表性，首先在其他课上碰到只是巧合，而且为什么就恰好他们在体育中认识的人work together而不和他们自己的group的人work together，因为上课的时候每个人都会有自己的group的，这都需要在例子中去叙述清楚。而不是因为go to same class了，就naturally collaborate了。这样的叙述非常的不persuasive）In this case, we may say financial support for sports and social activities are as important as that for the classes and libraries.

Lastly but in no means least,（出现在academic writing并不合适） sports and social activities can largely improve the moods and emotions of a person and then enhance their efficiency, which would be really good for classes and libraries. We all know that our brains need to take a break when having done lots of work and feeling tired. Like the old saying goes, all study and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Going out to hang out with friends would be good for emotions, and with a good mood people would learn more effectively. （此处的叙述就更牵强了，非常的生拉硬扯了，hang out完全不需要上面sports equip，随便出校园一逛就是hang out，这和学校各方面体育活动建设没有什么关系。并且break的方式有太多了，需要break需要hang out完全不是就需要学校出钱建设体育和社交项目了。）Hence, we may say that colleges should receive as much money as that for academics to build their social and sports platforms.

For all my reasons demonstrated above, I would like to say that the statement that at colleges and universities sports and social activities just weigh the same amount as classes and libraries and they really should receive the same level of the financial support. In that way, we would find students to be more possible to have well-grown personality and to learn new things effectively, especially, to study in a positive way with zest.
全文论点论点部分跑偏，没能准确根据自己的论点布局全文以导致只论述了sports那一边，没有解释清楚作整篇文章的主旨句，即为什么financial support 在sports and social activities 和 classes and libraries 需要evenly。
作者在academic essay的写作中，存在开头引入能力不足（transition in introduction），论证能力不足（persuasive argument），解释说明的能力不足（explanation in paragraph），切合主旨布置全文的能力不足（essay outline for thesis statement）。
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