Argument6 花了50分钟

ryanqUID: 154025

------题目------
The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
'A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money.'


------正文------
In this application, developers conclude that C Note, the proposed club, will be profitable. To support the conclusion, they assume that jazz is hot in Monroe based on the number of people attended Monroe's jazz last summer, the fact that there are some famous jazz musicians live in Monroe and the highest-rated program's name is 'Jazz Nightly'. The developer also reasons that jazz fan spend $1,000 per year on activities concerning jazz and no jazz club is near Monroe. This argument is flawed in several critical respects.

In the first place, it lends little credible support to draw that Monroe is crazy for jazz. Though over 100,000 people joined the festival, it is possible that most of these people are travelers from all of the country even world not local habitants. Though famous jazz musicians live in Monroe, maybe most of their time they do not stay in Monroe and work around the country. Though there is 'jazz' in the name of the most popular radio program, since the content of this program maybe not  about jazz, this reason is also untenable. So these three factors are vulnerable more or less. They are strengthless to draw the conclusion.

In the second place, it is problematic to assume that Monroe's jazz fans have sufficient money to go to C Note. The  claim that spending $1,000 on jazz entertainment for a typical jazz fan is only due to a nationwide study. Monroe's jazz fans may below the average line. They do not have the ability to of make 1,000 a year for the local economy condition or the enthusiasm of Monroe's habitats towards jazz. So developers' assumption that Monroe is able to offer enough money can not stand any more.      

Finally, the applicants provide no evidence that the club located 65 miles away is not profitable. The only assertion of the nearest club’s location indicating that C Note has no competitors nearby is right. However, it can not buttress that customers will come to C Note. Perhaps the jazz club offers good services resulting in popularity among citizens of Monroe. It's hard to say C Note will succeed.

In sum, developers failed to convince me that C Note cannot help but make money. To better the argument I would need detailed information about Monroe's jazz clubs and citizens' altitude towards jazz.

bcomerUID: 182621

DING一下吧，只写过几个ISSUE没写过ARGU

读过后，觉得语法毛病比较少，似乎是没有。
连词用的比较朴素，但很恰当，显得结构比较清晰。
反驳的也比较彻底，但在语言上显得不是很强。

另外最后一段的一个句子的一部分我没看懂

TO BETTER THE ARGUMENT, better有动词的意思吗？
结构不明白:)：）

漠北银狐UID: 193717

travelers from all of the country even world not local habitants， 没看懂？

漠北银狐UID: 193717

They do not have the ability to of make 1,000 a year for the local economy condition or the enthusiasm of Monroe's habitats towards jazz

应该由这样的必然反驳变成可能反驳

漠北银狐UID: 193717

Finally, the applicants provide no evidence that the club located 65 miles away is not profitable. The only assertion of the nearest club’s location indicating that C Note has no competitors nearby is right. However, it can not buttress that customers will come to C Note. Perhaps the jazz club offers good services resulting in popularity among citizens of Monroe. It's hard to say C Note will succeed.


感觉你反驳的没有问题
可是总起的那句好像不是所应该反驳的吧？

冥界星灿UID: 184746

------题目------
The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.


'A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money.'


------正文------
In this application, developers conclude that C Note, the proposed club, will be profitable. To support the conclusion, they assume that jazz is hot in Monroe based on the number of people attended Monroe's jazz last summer, the fact that there are some famous jazz musicians live in Monroe and the highest-rated program's name is 'Jazz Nightly'the highest-rated program's name is 'Jazz Nightly'换成a radio problem received the highest-rated which name is 'Jazz Night'.原因是原文后面是个句子，不能和前面名次并列. The developer没办法知道是一个人写的还是一群人合计着写的吧？ also reasons that jazz fan spend $1,000 per year on activities concerning jazz and no jazz club is near Monroe. This argument is flawed in several critical respects.

In the first place, it lends little credible support to draw that Monroe is crazy for jazz. Though over 100,000 people joined the festival, it is possible that most of these people are travelers from all ofover the country even world not local habitants. Though famous jazz musicians live in Monroe, maybe most of their time they do not stay in Monroe and work around the country. Though there is 'jazz' in the name of the most popular radio program, since the content of this program maybe not about jazz, this reason is also untenable. So these three factors are vulnerable more or less. They are strengthless to draw the conclusion.满眼望去，句子一般在10words以内？

In the second place, it is problematic to assume that Monroe's jazz fans have sufficient money to go to C Note用go to好像付不起路费一样。support their consumption可以吗？. The claim that spending $1,000 on jazz entertainment for a typical jazz fan is only due to a nationwide study. Monroe's jazz fans may below the average line. It is possible thatThey do not have the ability to of makemake?赚钱？应该是花钱较好cannot spend/afford 1,000 a year for the local economy condition or the enthusiasm of Monroe's habitats towards jazz. So developers' assumption that Monroe这样说行吗？主谓搭配吗？是不是citizen or fans才能spend money?还有，money有offer的吗？ is able to offer enough money can not stand any more.

Finally, the applicants provide no evidence that the club located 65 miles away is not profitable. The only assertion of the nearest club’s location indicating that C Note has no competitors nearby is right. However, it can not buttress that customers will come to C Note.中间这两句没什么实质意义，是段首句的重复，罗嗦，去掉吧 Perhaps the jazz club offers good services resulting in popularity among citizens of Monroe. It's hardhardly to say C Note will succeed.

In sum, developers failed to convince me that C Note cannot help but make money. To better少动词 the argument I would need detailed information about Monroe's jazz clubs and citizens' altitude towards jazz.


你写的很好，而且我还是不理解怎么能50分钟写完。我一般要两个半小时吧，怎么办呢？讲解一下吧……

开始挑骨头：

结构，感觉批得不充分。面面俱到，没有展开。骂人不要太文明了，点到为止怎么可以呢？又不是比谁更君子风度

句子，不要老用简单句吧？

用词，有些好像不是那么准确、精确（）？如虽然题目敢用make, 我觉得我们还是少用这种放之四海皆准的词。

我见识有限，盼指教^_^

ryanqUID: 154025

最初由 bcomer 发布
[B]DING一下吧，只写过几个ISSUE没写过ARGU

读过后，觉得语法毛病比较少，似乎是没有。
连词用的比较朴素，但很恰当，显得结构比较清晰。
反驳的也比较彻底，但在语言上?.

以下省略...... [/B]

见到过一篇是这样写的，刚才google了一下，没几个这么说的，以后不用了。

最初由 漠北银狐 发布
[B]travelers from all of the country even world not local habitants， 没看懂？ [/B]

全接受，thx :D

最初由 冥界星灿 发布
[B]------题目------
The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.


'A jazz m..

以下省略...... [/B]

非常谢谢你对我习作的点评。

建议很中肯，仔细看了一下，俺都接受。



有点晚，明天该晚在贴上来 :p