Argument239 第6篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！

onlyfishUID: 192741

Argument239  第6篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------题目------
The following appeared as an editorial in the local newspaper of Dalton.
'When the neighboring town of Williamsville adopted a curfew four months ago that made it illegal for persons under the age of 18 to loiter or idle in public places after 10 p.m., youth crime in Williamsville dropped by 27 percent during curfew hours. In Williamsville's town square, the area where its citizens were once most outraged at the high crime rate, not a single crime has been reported since the curfew was introduced. Therefore, to help reduce its own rising crime rate, the town of Dalton should adopt the same kind of curfew. A curfew that keeps young people at home late at night will surely control juvenile delinquency and protect minors from becoming victims of crime.'
------正文------
The editorial advice the Dalton should take the measure of curfew hours to decreasing youth crime and to protect the youth, because he/ she thought it help in the Williamsvile will surely function in Dalton. However, he / she ignore in some factors.

Since the curfew was adopted by the Williamsvile four month ago, it long-term effect has not been seen, the editorial's advice may be someway haste. The crime in Williamsvile dropped by 27 percent during curfew hours, but how about the other time. Maybe someone will change the time to do illegal things. Besides we cannot exclude this possibility that the crime can be done without loitering or idling in the public place. What is more, if the youths really want to do some crime, will they care the curfew?


Furthermore, the editorial failed to take the entire factor into account. To trace the crime rate of youth only to the time will prevent the wood from the tree. The rate of the crime depends on many factors, such as the directions of the adults, the social environment, and the character of youths themselves. Many reports show that, if the children living in a environment lack of love, they will have more tendency to crime. Because they personality is not so sound and heath as those who are surrounded by the love. They will have a wrong reflection of the society and are easy to listen to those they feel amiable to them without distinguish their goals. Is it a more basic reason for youth crime? Why not to pay more attention on the mental healthy on youth rather than on those external measure. If the cause of the crime in Dalton is mainly the bad environment, the curfew will not help too much.

Finally, when a measure is brought about, the feasibility must be considered. The curfew taken in Williamsvile may be lack of feasibility in Dalton because of the size of the town and the force to guarantee the execution. If the town is large than the Williamsville, the difficulty for carrying on the curfew will increase. To make sure the curfew can be done; more people must plunge in it. Correspondingly, the cost will rise, and whether could the government can afford should be considered. Besides, after the curfew, many problems will arise. If some youths really have to go out so late, how can solve it. Or if such walking on the street with a definite purpose is allowed, how to distinguish it from the idling need to be discussed. All the factors must be under regards, or the government will be likely to faced with some unexpected circumstances.

Therefore, the editorial draws the conclusion without a full consideration of all the factors. To make a feasible advice, the editorial should give a more detail information and to take all the possible cases into account.

蓝清UID: 158106

Argument239 第6篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------题目------
The following appeared as an editorial in the local newspaper of Dalton.
'When the neighboring town of Williamsville adopted a curfew four months ago that made it illegal for persons under the age of 18 to loiter or idle in public places after 10 p.m., youth crime in Williamsville dropped by 27 percent during curfew hours. In Williamsville's town square, the area where its citizens were once most outraged at the high crime rate, not a single crime has been reported since the curfew was introduced. Therefore, to help reduce its own rising crime rate, the town of Dalton should adopt the same kind of curfew. A curfew that keeps young people at home late at night will surely control juvenile delinquency and protect minors from becoming victims of crime.'
------正文------
The editorial advice the Dalton should take the measure of curfew hours to decreasing youth crime and to protect the youth, because he/ she thought it help in the Williamsvile will surely function是不是想要表达这个意思：if it can be effective in Williamsvile it will ... in Dalton. However, he / she ignore in some factors.得注意时态的问题。第一段最好能简要地复述argument 中的assumptions和/或evidence.最后那句中的however 用得有点突然

Since the curfew was adopted by the Williamsvile four month ago用only 或just 强调一下吧,it long-term effect has not been seen, the editorial's advice may be someway haste. The crime in Williamsvile dropped by 27 percent during curfew hours, but how about the other time. Maybe someone will change the time to do illegal things. Besides we cannot exclude this possibility that the crime can be done without loitering or idling in the public place. What is more, if the youths really want to do some crime, will they care the curfew?


Furthermore, the editorial failed to take the entire factor into account. To trace the crime rate of youth only to the time will prevent the wood from the tree. The rate of the crime depends on many factors, such as the directions of the adults, the social environment, and the character of youths themselves. Many reports show that, if the children living in a environment lack of love, they will have more tendency to crime. Because they personality is not so sound and heath as those who are surrounded by the love. They will have a wrong reflection of the society and are easy to listen to those they feel amiable to them without distinguish their goals同样的代词用得太多了，会造成混淆. Is it a more basic reason for youth crime? Why not to pay more attention on the mental healthy on youth rather than on those external measure. If the cause of the crime in Dalton is mainly the bad environment, the curfew will not help too much.

Finally, when a measure is brought about, the feasibility must be considered. The curfew taken in Williamsvile may be lack of feasibility in Dalton because of the size of the town and the force to guarantee the execution. If the town is large than the Williamsville, the difficulty for carrying on the curfew will increase. To make sure the curfew can be done; more people must plunge in it. Correspondingly, the cost will rise, and whether could the government can afford should be considered. Besides, after the curfew, many problems will arise. If some youths really have to go out so late, how can solve it. Or if such walking on the street with a definite purpose is allowed, how to distinguish it from the idling need to be discussed. All the factors must be under regards, or the government will be likely to faced with some unexpected circumstances.

Therefore, the editorial draws the conclusion without a full consideration of all the factors. To make a feasible advice, the editorial should give a more detail information and to take all the possible cases into account.

像是写完就发贴了， 其实写完之后自己再改改就会有很大的收获。
攻击点找得比较全面，
1.关于curfew在Williamsvile 是否真的有效的问题上，“In Williamsville's town square, the area where its citizens were once most outraged at the high crime rate, not a single crime has been reported since the curfew was introduced.”也可以攻击，因为没报道并不能保证就没有发生。而且采取curfew之后可能引起的负面效应没有提及。
2.关于curfew在Williamsvile 有效，在Dalton 是否同样有用的问题上，重点在于arguer没有注意两者之间的可比性，攻击的时候应该强调各种factors 在两个town 中的不同。

开头段和结尾段似乎有点单薄。

一起加油哦

onlyfishUID: 192741

真的谢谢楼上的G友，我的确是写完用word改一些拼写就贴上来了，有的时候是因为自己都没有勇气再看一边自己写的了
不过我今天试着把写好的文章又看了一遍，真的发现很有用 有一些句子些的时候就觉得不完善，有了时间就可以仔细想想，乘着离些的时间还不是那么长，会更有感觉。

谢谢这么辛苦帮我改文章

圣光UID: 193720

The editorial [U]advice[/U]  the Dalton should take the measure of curfew hours to [U]decreasing [/U]  youth crime and to protect the youth, because he/ she [U]thought[/U]  it help in the Williamsvile will surely function in Dalton. However, he / she [U]ignore[/U]  in some factors.

Since the curfew was adopted by the Williamsvile four month ago, [U]it long-term effect[/U]  has not been seen, the editorial's advice may be someway haste. The crime in Williamsvile dropped by 27 percent during curfew hours, but how about the other time. Maybe someone will change the time to do illegal things. Besides we cannot exclude this possibility that the crime can be done without loitering or idling in the public place. What is more, if the youths really want to do some crime, will they care the curfew?


Furthermore, the editorial failed to take the entire factor into account. To trace the crime rate of youth only to the time will prevent the wood from the tree. The rate of the crime depends on many factors, such as the directions of the adults, the social environment, and the character of youths themselves. Many reports show that, if the children [U]living [/U]  in a environment lack of love, they will have more tendency to crime. Because [U]they[/U]  personality is not so sound and [U]heath [/U]  as those who are surrounded by the love. They will have a wrong reflection of the society and [U]are [/U]  easy to listen to those they feel amiable to them without [U]distinguish[/U]  their goals. Is it a more basic reason for youth crime? Why not to pay more attention on the mental [U]healthy[/U]  [U]on [/U]  youth rather than on [U]those external measure[/U] . If the cause of the crime in Dalton is mainly the bad environment, the curfew will not help too much.

Finally, when a measure is brought about, the feasibility must be considered. The curfew taken in Williamsvile may be lack of feasibility in Dalton because of the size of the town and the force to guarantee the execution. If the town is [U]large [/U]  than the Williamsville, the difficulty for carrying on the curfew will increase. To make sure the curfew can be done[U]; [/U]  more people must plunge in it.[U]Correspondingly, [/U] (不知道应不应该用这个词，它好像是对照的意思，而这里应该没有对照的意思吧？用at the same time怎么样？) the cost will rise, and whether could the government can afford should be considered. Besides, after the curfew, many problems will arise. If some youths really have to go out so late, [U]how can solve it[/U] （应该是how can it be solved吧？）. Or if such walking on the street with a definite purpose is allowed, how to distinguish it from the idling [U]need [/U]  to be discussed. All the factors must be under regards, or the government will be likely to [U]faced [/U]  with some unexpected circumstances.

Therefore, the editorial draws the conclusion without a full consideration of all the factors. To make a feasible advice, the editorial should give a more [U]detail [/U]  information and to take all the possible cases into account.

个人认为结构和攻击点都不错，但是语法错误实在太多了，自己多检查检查，会更有帮助的。以上的错误如果有找的不对的地方，欢迎指正，我也是菜鸟，昨天刚刚开始写argument

louaciUID: 159481

Argument239 第6篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------题目------
The following appeared as an editorial in the local newspaper of Dalton.
'When the neighboring town of Williamsville adopted a curfew four months ago that made it illegal for persons under the age of 18 to loiter or idle in public places after 10 p.m., youth crime in Williamsville dropped by 27 percent during curfew hours. In Williamsville's town square, the area where its citizens were once most outraged at the high crime rate, not a single crime has been reported since the curfew was introduced. Therefore, to help reduce its own rising crime rate, the town of Dalton should adopt the same kind of curfew. A curfew that keeps young people at home late at night will surely control juvenile delinquency and protect minors from becoming victims of crime.'
------正文------
The editorial advice (advises)  the Dalton should take the measure of curfew hours to decreasing(decrease) youth crime and to protect the youth, because he/ she thought it(could) help in the Williamsvile will surely function in Dalton. However, he / she ignore（加S） in some factors.（是说在W地有用在D地就有用是么？我改成：he\she thinks that such measure effective in W will necessarily function in D.)

Since the curfew was adopted by the Williamsvile four month(months) ago, it(its) long-term effect has not been seen, the editorial's advice may be someway haste. The crime in Williamsvile dropped by 27 percent during curfew hours, but how about the other time. Maybe someone will change the time to do illegal things. Besides we cannot exclude this possibility that the crime can be done without loitering or idling in the public place. What is more, if the youths really want to do some crime, will they care the curfew?(这个段子说W地措施没看出长期效果，是不是补充说一句建议采纳这种没看出最终效果的东东就不合适。）


Furthermore, the editorial failed to take the entire factor(是指所有因素之意吗，换成all the factors会不会好一点） into account. To trace the crime rate of youth only(according) to the time will prevent the wood from the tree. The rate of the crime depends on many factors, such as the directions of the adults, the social environment, and the character of youths themselves. Many reports show that, if the children living(live) in a(an) environment lack of love, they will have more tendency to (commit)crime. Because they (their)personality is not so sound and heath(healthy) as those who are surrounded by the(去掉冠词） love. They will have a wrong reflection of the society and are easy to listen to those they feel amiable to them without distinguish(distinguishing) their goals. Is it a more basic reason for youth crime? Why not to(去掉TO） pay more attention on the mental healthy(health) on youth rather than on those external measure. If the cause of the crime in Dalton is mainly the bad environment, the curfew will not help too much.(列出好几个他因，详细说明其中一种即生活环境，个人认为蛮具体化，很好，是不是在前头再强调一句他们主要把青少年犯罪归咎于晚上游来荡去不全面。）
Finally, when a measure is brought about, the feasibility must be considered. The curfew taken in Williamsvile may be lack of feasibility in Dalton because of the size of the town and the force to guarantee the execution. If the（Dalton） town is large(larger) than the Williamsville, the difficulty for carrying on the curfew will increase. To make sure the curfew can be done; more people must plunge in it. Correspondingly(Consequently), the cost will rise, and whether could (去掉COULD）the government can afford(such measure) should be considered. Besides, after the curfew, many problems will arise. If some youths really have to go out so late, how can solve it. Or if such walking on the street with a definite purpose is allowed, how to distinguish it from the idling need to be discussed. All the factors must be under regards, or the government will be likely to faced with some unexpected circumstances.(似乎未把将W地和D地的错误类比完全说清楚，而是直接说此措施的不可行性。个人感觉这道题主要是批驳该不该在W地采取类似措施，如过多讨论在W地的实行困难而少做了两地对比可能会讲得不够透彻。）

Therefore, the editorial draws the conclusion without a full consideration of all the factors. To make(give) a feasible (piece of)advice, the editorial should give a(去掉冠词） more detail（detailed) information and to take all the possible cases into account.(结尾略显笼统，是不是把上文说的具体问题简单摆一下）

第一次修改别人大作，战战兢兢，谢谢发文上来交流。
一些个人意见，谨供参考，共勉，呵呵：）

onlyfishUID: 192741

谢谢阿，我的语法真的错太多了，有的时候自己看着都发现不了
谢谢你们帮我发现了，我以后一定会注意的