argument236 你对我作文的臭骂是对我最好的鼓励。谢谢！

imjasonUID: 176604

236. The following appeared as a letter to the editor of a local Solano newspaper.
“The Solano school district should do away with its music education programs. After all, music programs are not especially popular in our schools: only 20 percent of our high school students participated in music programs last year. Furthermore, very few of the Solano district’s college-bound students are interested in majoring in music at the university level. Also, when the school district of our neighboring town of Rutherford eliminated its music programs two years ago, the overall grade point average in the high school increased by 10 percent the next year, Surely the money spent on Solano music programs could be better used to improve the quality of traditional academic courses.”
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提纲：1。高中生的参与率不足以说明不受欢迎。
      2．考大学的选择不具有说服力。
      3．邻镇的情况不具有说服力，而且没有证据表明采取了邻镇的情况就一定会是成绩提高。
The common sense tell us that music education programs play major roles in education system, which teach the students the beauty of life, or even relax them from the laboring study processes. However, the author asserts that the Solano schools should cancel these music lessons based on the fact that music programs are not welcome in this district.  With close scrutiny of this argument, I find that this assertion is not so persuasive as it stands.

The first question I want to ask the author is that how to explain the unpopularity of the music lessons in the schools in Solano district as stated in the argument. Even though the author cited an phenomena, from which he/she deduced, that only 20% of high school students participated in these lessons, I wonder whether this fact can represent all of other students in different grades, such as elementary school students, junior school students. Perhaps, in these schools the music education programs are very welcome and most students have chose the lessons agreeably. As the argument provides no such evidences that the students in other grades also dislike the music lessons, the author's assertion is unbelievable. In addition, even if the arguer is right, that the music lessons are not popular in the schools not merely in high schools, the author did not tell us the reason. And without this explanation, it is entirely possible for us drawing the conclusion that the music lessons are not well and interestingly taught, unsuccessfully stimulating the students' appetites. In this case, what the schools should do is to improve the instruction methods but to do away with these lessons.

At the same time, the author also ignores another important aspect that what the participation ratios of other subjects are. Without the statistics about those, we might conclude that the number, 20%, is a high percentage in the participation ratios. Thus, the author also should supply the concrete fact about other courses' participations to support the recommendation.

Then, the editor cited the low choices among the students in Solano's college-bound would like to in university as their major to prove the recommendation furtherly. However, the author overlooks a significant fact that majoring in music in university level is totally different from the preference in music lessons in school, or in high school. Common sense and experience has told us that we learn the beautiful respects in life and some famous and melodious songs from music lessons in schools, or even escape from heavy study processes, while if you choose the music as your profession in university, you will study it, and no longer merely listen to it. On the other hand, the students may put the music as their hobby, which is well accepted among young people, even though they choose other subjects as their majors. Hence, the author unfairly assumes the unpopularity from the future choices in university of these students.

To better approve the assertion, the editor finally gave us an example of the implement in Rutherford and the result. Unjustifiably assuming the similarity would be between Rutherford district and Solano district, the author asserted that the quality of traditional courses in Solano could also be improved resulting from the cancellation of music education programs. However, the states of the two districts are likely to be completely opposite, which would bring the consequences in Solano to the other side. Moreover, we can not refuse the possibility that even if the quality of traditional academic courses are improved, the grade point average in the schools in Solano will remain the same, or even be lower, even though in high schools. Meanwhile, the performance in grade of a student is not only in traditional academic courses, but in others, such as music, P.E., as well.

Hence, from all above, the editor's recommendation is not so convincing as it stands. To better assess it, the editor should supply more explanations to the unpopularity of the music lessons in the Solano district. I also need more evidences and statistics to ensure that the cancellation of the music education program will undoubtly carry out some benefits to the education system of the district as well as the students.

imjasonUID: 176604

没人理我哦！
自己UP以下

trinitysisuUID: 201508

我也是刚写的，互相参看一下意见吧。我水平不够评你的作文，呵呵。
402 words
The speaker in the newspaper recommends eliminating its music education programs to increase the quality of traditional academic courses, because he assumes that the programs are no longer popular- only 20% of students took part in them last year. Besides, its neighbor school Rutherford(R) eliminated its music programs and resulted in better academic performances. However, the speaker suffers from several critical flaws, thus his recommendation is unpersuasive as it stands.
A threshold flaw with the speaker's assertion is that he unfairly indicates that 20% means the music programs are not so popular. It's entirely possible that the percentage of the year before last is much lower than 20%, and last year's 20% in turn stands as a strong supporting evidence that the music education programs are becoming more and more popular. Or the scenario might be that many high school students in this area do not like to take part in extracurricular programs and 20% already casts a remarkable percentage. Without previous statistics and ruling out all these scenarios, the author fails to come to any persuasive conclusion on the mere fact.
Besides, the author unconvinsinglyunconvincingly links Rutherford's(R) elimination of its music programs two years ago with its increase of GPA in the next year. For the time span is as long as three years, the speaker overlooks many other factors that may have contributed to this result. Perhaps R also adopted more performance incentives, such as higher schorlarshipsscholarships, chances of studying abroad, etc. Without the detailed information on all the changes of R's strategies, the speaker fails to establish a cause-and-effect relationship between these two facts.
Last but not least, even if assuming R achieved its increase of students' GPA merely because of eliminating its music programs, the speaker still cannot prove that Solano(S) will also benefit from this measure. Lacking critical comparison between R and S, the speaker cannot jump to his conclusion that there are enough similaritieses to ensure S's success if it implements what R did.
In the final analysis, the speaker in the newspaper fails to convince us. To better strengthen his assumption, he needs to provide the following information: previous statistics of the students' participation in the programs and the detailed information on the whole changes of R's strategies. And to further assess his conclusion, I would also need the necessary comparison between R and S and check that whether R's success will apply to S.

深谷幽兰UID: 196550

236. The following appeared as a letter to the editor of a local Solano newspaper.
“The Solano school district should do away with its music education programs. After all, music programs are not especially popular in our schools: only 20 percent of our high school students participated in music programs last year. Furthermore, very few of the Solano district’s college-bound students are interested in majoring in music at the university level. Also, when the school district of our neighboring town of Rutherford eliminated its music programs two years ago, the overall grade point average in the high school increased by 10 percent the next year, Surely the money spent on Solano music programs could be better used to improve the quality of traditional academic courses.”
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提纲：1。高中生的参与率不足以说明不受欢迎。
2．考大学的选择不具有说服力。
3．邻镇的情况不具有说服力，而且没有证据表明采取了邻镇的情况就一定会是成绩提高。提纲还不错.
The common sense tell us that music education programs play major roles in education system, which teach the students the beauty of life, or even relax them from the laboring study processes. 语言有点中国化了. However, the author asserts that the Solano schools should cancel these music lessons based on the fact that music programs are not welcome in this district. With close scrutiny of this argument, I find that this assertion is not so persuasive as it stands.

The first question I want to ask the author is that how to explain the unpopularity of the music lessons in the schools in Solano district as stated in the argument. Even though the author cited an phenomena, from which he/she deduced, that only 20% of high school students participated in these lessons, I wonder whether this fact can represent all of other students in different grades, such as elementary school students, junior school students. Perhaps, in these schools the music education programs are very welcome and most students have chose the lessons agreeably. As the argument provides no such evidences that the students in other grades also dislike the music lessons, the author's assertion is unbelievable. In addition, even if the arguer is right, that the music lessons are not popular in the schools not merely in high schools, the author did not tell us the reason. And without this explanation, it is entirely possible for us drawing the conclusion that the music lessons are not well and interestingly taught, unsuccessfully stimulating the students' appetites. In this case, what the schools should do is to improve the instruction methods but to do away with these lessons.驳得还比较有力.

At the same time, the author also ignores another important aspect that what the participation ratios of other subjects are. Without the statistics about those, we might conclude that the number, 20%, is a high percentage in the participation ratios. Thus, the author also should supply the concrete fact about other courses' participations to support the recommendation.

Then, the editor cited the low choices among the students in Solano's college-bound would like to in university as their major to prove the recommendation furtherly. However, the author overlooks a significant fact that majoring in music in university level is totally different from the preference in music lessons in school, or in high school. Common sense and experience has told us that we learn the beautiful respects in life and some famous and melodious songs from music lessons in schools, or even escape from heavy study processes, while if you choose the music as your profession in university, you will study it, and no longer merely listen to it. On the other hand, the students may put the music as their hobby, which is well accepted among young people, even though they choose other subjects as their majors. Hence, the author unfairly assumes the unpopularity from the future choices in university of these students.

To better approve the assertion, the editor finally gave us an example of the implement in Rutherford and the result. Unjustifiably assuming the similarity would be between Rutherford district and Solano district, the author asserted that the quality of traditional courses in Solano could also be improved resulting from the cancellation of music education programs. However, the states of the two districts are likely to be completely opposite, which would bring the consequences in Solano to the other side. Moreover, we can not refuse the possibility that even if the quality of traditional academic courses are improved, the grade point average in the schools in Solano will remain the same, or even be lower, even though in high schools. Meanwhile, the performance in grade of a student is not only in traditional academic courses, but in others, such as music, P.E., as well.

Hence, from all above, the editor's recommendation is not so convincing as it stands. To better assess it, the editor should supply more explanations to the unpopularity of the music lessons in the Solano district. I also need more evidences and statistics to ensure that the cancellation of the music education program will undoubtly carry out some benefits to the education system of the district as well as the students.
结尾也还不错!加油!

imjasonUID: 176604

谢谢 trinitysisu
谢谢 深谷幽兰

这么老的文章你们是怎么找到的啊

imjasonUID: 176604

To：trinitysisu 我给你修改了哈
The speaker in the newspaper recommends 这里的符合语法么。我觉得用不定式或者用从句eliminating its music education programs to increase the quality of traditional academic courses, because he assumes that the programs are no longer popular- only 20% of students took part in them last year. Besides, its neighbor school Rutherford(R) eliminated its music programs and resulted in better academic performances. However, the speaker suffers from several critical flaws, thus his recommendation is unpersuasive as it stands.开头要再简洁点了
注意发文的格式，每段要空行
A threshold flaw with the speaker's assertion is that he unfairly indicates that 20%最好把这个数据的代表意义说清楚，还可以凑字数了。呵呵:D means the music programs are not so popular. 变得太快了，最好有个词语衔接一下，比如however等等It's entirely possible that the percentage of the year before last is much lower than 20%, and last year's 20% in turn stands as a strong supporting evidence that the music education programs are becoming more and more popular. Or the scenario might be that many high school students in this area do not like to take part in extracurricular programs and 20% already casts a remarkable percentage. Without previous statistics and ruling out all these scenarios, the author fails to come to any persuasive conclusion on the mere fact.论述得不错
Besides, the author unconvinsinglyunconvincingly links Rutherford's(R) elimination of its music programs two years ago with its increase of GPA in the next year. For the time span is as long as three years, the speaker overlooks many other factors that may have contributed to this result. Perhaps R also adopted more performance incentives, such as higher schorlarshipsscholarships, chances of studying abroad, etc.这个优点牵强了 Without the detailed information on all the changes of R's strategies, the speaker fails to establish a cause-and-effect relationship between these two facts.单薄了

Last but not least, even if assuming R achieved its increase of students' GPA merely because of eliminating its music programs, the speaker still cannot prove that Solano(S) will also benefit from this measure. Lacking critical comparison between R and S, the speaker cannot jump to his conclusion that there are enough similaritieses to ensure S's success if it implements what R did.这后面的两个body没有第一个论述得好了
In the final analysis, the speaker in the newspaper fails to convince us. To better strengthen his assumption, he needs to provide the following information: previous statistics of the students' participation in the programs and the detailed information on the whole changes of R's strategies. And to further assess his conclusion, I would also need the necessary comparison between R and S and check that whether R's success will apply to S.
文章思路清晰，但是嫌展开得还不够，继续努力了