Issue19社会成功与个人，互拍，多谢

neverflyUID: 166610

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多些各位大侠。这两天状态很不好，加上事情又多，sorry了
改了一下子，但是很不满意。先这样了，明天继续努力...
还没回拍的大侠等着，我会报仇的...
------题目------If a society is to thrive, it must put its own overall success before the well-being of its individual citizens.
------正文-----
I strongly disagree with the contention that a society should put its overall success before the well-being of its individual citizens primarily because the thrivingof a society depends on not only the threatens from the circumstances but also the inner pressure from the inharmony of the living of its individual citizens. In addition, emphasizing the overall success might fail to inspire the individuals to work together for the success.开头可以简洁点

To begin with, we analyze the condition for a society to thrive, where not only the outer threaten but also the inner pressure is concluded. The inner pressure is closed related with individual needs, which plays an important role in the existing and dying of different societies. In the historical view, when human society came into existence, people must defend against various dangerous animals,struggle against the pressure of nature and consider how to divide the food within the groups. Later, when the slavery came into existence， then the main pressure for the society to survive is due to the fights among groups and the conflicts between slaves and slave-owners. The latter conflicts comprise the main threaten of the slavery society and lead to collapse of the slavery. More recently, with the developing of technology, human society is under the outer pressures including environmentpollution and conflicts between countries, and also the inner pressures including importantly, the inner disorders such as religion conflicts, economical discontent, and etc. As an observation, besides the outer pressure , the inner pressure plays an important role in the existing of every society, which shows that the well-being of its individuals should not be neglected.

In addition, a successful society should consider the needs and desires of its individual citizens so that their passion could be utilized to the prosperityof the society. To prove this, one should look no further than the example of Renaissance age. In the Renaissance age, more and more people were not content with the oppression by the churches and doctrines. They devoted themselves to express their feeling and create novel techniques for the society. Numerous artists and scientists came into existence, and glorious works and technologies produced during the Renaissance are much more than any period before. This example shows that the individual citizens' desire is a great source of society success and should not be neglected.

On the contrary, overemphasizing of the overall success of the whole society is somewhat dangerous and might even lead to autarchy. To neglect the needs and opinions of individuals in fact is to refuse the idea of democracy. Without the democratic process, the success of such society might be wrongly directed to serve for the ambitions of only a few people. Supposing the example of Germany in the Second World War, in which the whole society is wrongly led by the idea of Adolf Hitler and the country became a tool to realize his personal ambition. Finally, without the overall success, this autarchy brought great tragedy not only to Germany, but also to the whole Europe. The Second World War was aroused, millions of people were killed, and the whole country at the war found itself not on the acme of success but on the ruin of collapsed society. Feeling sorry for this mistake, German prime minister Brandt in the 1970s kneeled down before the world. From this example, we can see that the overemphasizing overall success of the society might not lead to the success, on the contrary, it sometime is the cause of a disaster.

In sum, a society should consider the well-beings of its individual citizens as an important source of the pressure and a crucial impulse of the success. I would concede that it is important for to possess its overall success, however, overemphasizing such success while neglecting the individual needs will be an dangerous action.


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修改前

晚上正在看各位大虾的文章，突然gter连不上了，郁闷，就把刚刚看得文章自己写了一下。严重超时，郁闷
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Issue19  第3篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：68分54秒     582 words
从2005年2月29日23时49分到2005年2月30日0时68分
------题目------
If a society is to thrive, it must put its own overall success before the well-being of its individual citizens.
------正文------
Issue19, 社会繁荣与个人成功
------题目------
If a society is to thrive, it must put its own overall success before the well-being of its individual citizens.
------正文------
提纲：
1 分析how to thrive：
2 有损民主，导致专制
3 正面说，individual的发挥使社会繁荣--renaissance


I strongly disagree with the contention that a society should put its overall success before the well-being of its individual citizens primarily because the trivial of a society depends on not only the outer threatens from the circumstances but also the inner pressure from the inharmonic of the living of its individual citizens. In addition, emphasizing the overall success will fail to inspire the individuals to work together for the success of the success and will lead to serious consequence.

To begin with, we should make clear how a society can thrive. In the historical view, when human society came into existence, it must defend against various dangerous animals, made a living under the pressure of nature and how to divide the food within the groups. Later, when the human beings knew how to get more food, the slavery came into existence. Then the main pressure for the society to survive is due to the fight between groups and the conflicts between slaves and slave-owners. The latter conflicts comprise the main threaten of the slavery society and lead to collapse of the slavery. More recently, with the developing of technology, human society is under the outer pressures including circumstance pollution and conflicts between countries, and also the inner pressures including importantly, the inner disorders such as religion conflicts, economical discontent, and etc.  As an observation, it is clear that in every stage of the society existing, the outer pressure exists together with the inner pressure, which shows that the society must not neglect the well-being of its individuals.

In addition, a successful society should consider the needs and desires of its individual citizens so that their passion could be utilized to the prosperous of the society. To prove this, one should look no further than the example of Renaissance age. In the Renaissance age, more and more people were not content with the oppression by the churches and doctrines. They spent much effort to express their feeling and create novel techniques for the society. Numerous artists and scientists came into existence, while glorious works and technologies produced during the Renaissance are much more than any period before. This example shows that the individual citizens' desire is a great source of society success and should not be neglected.

On the contrary, overemphasizing of the overall success of the whole society is somewhat dangerous and sometime lead to even autarchy. To neglect the needs and opinions of individuals in fact is to refuse the idea of democracy. Without the democrat process, the success of such society might be wrongly directed to serve for the ambitions of a few people.  Supposing the example of Germany in the second world war, in which the whole society is wrongly lead by the idea of Adolf Hilter and became a tool to realized his personal ambition.  Now the whole society in German regrets for the history and feels sorry not only themselves but also the whole world. In the 1980s, one of the prime minister of Germany once even kneel down to express his sorry for the last, which is a solid supporting proof to the harm of overemphasizing overall success of the society.

In sum, a society should consider the well-beings of its individual citizens as an important source of the pressure and a crucial impulse of the success.  I would concede that a society should have its goal to make the success, however, overemphasizing such success while neglecting the individual needs will be an dangerous action.

枫丹UID: 166492

I strongly disagree with the contention that a society should put its overall success before the well-being of its individual citizens primarily because the trivial of a society depends on not only the outer threatens from the circumstances but also the inner pressure from the inharmonic of the living of its individual citizens.（这句意思很模糊） In addition, emphasizing the overall success will fail to inspire the individuals to work together for the success of the success and will lead to serious consequence.

To begin with, we should make clear how a society can thrive. In the historical view, when human society came into existence, it must defend against various dangerous animals, made a living under the pressure of nature and how to divide the food within the groups. Later, when the human beings knew how to get more food, the slavery came into existence. Then the main pressure for the society to survive is due to the fight between groups and the conflicts between slaves and slave-owners. The latter conflicts comprise the main threaten of the slavery society and lead to collapse of the slavery. More recently, with the developing of technology, human society is under the outer pressures including circumstance pollution and conflicts between countries, and also the inner pressures including importantly, the inner disorders such as religion conflicts, economical discontent, and etc. As an observation, it is clear that in every stage of the society existing, the outer pressure exists together with the inner pressure, which shows that the society must not neglect the well-being of its individuals.
我认为这里的概念很模糊， 你如何定义well-being？它的解释是happiness, prosperity , health of people， 它对社会的thrive 到底有什么作用，为什么可以忽略，为什么不能？？你说inner pressure重要，为什concerning well-being of individuals就可以solve these conflicts??/似乎没有说清楚

In addition, a successful society should consider the needs and desires of its individual citizens so that their passion could be utilized to the prosperous of the society. To prove this, one should look no further than the example of Renaissance age. In the Renaissance age, more and more people were not content with the oppression by the churches and doctrines. They spent much effort to express their feeling and create novel techniques for the society. Numerous artists and scientists came into existence, while glorious works and technologies produced during the Renaissance are much more than any period before. This example shows that the individual citizens' desire is a great source of society success and should not be neglected.

你的例子举的不错但是desire 和 happiness, prosperity 似乎还差层关系，其实你可以说 the individual’s success is the basis or the source of whole prosperity of the society.

On the contrary, overemphasizing of the overall success of the whole society is somewhat dangerous and sometime lead to even autarchy. To neglect the needs and opinions of individuals in fact is to refuse the idea of democracy. Without the democrat process, the success of such society might be wrongly directed to serve for the ambitions of a few people. Supposing the example of Germany in the second world war, in which the whole society is wrongly lead by the idea of Adolf Hilter（Hitler） and became a tool to realized his personal ambition. Now the whole society in German regrets for the history and feels sorry not only themselves but also the whole world. In the 1980s, one of the prime minister of Germany once even kneel down to express his sorry for the last, which is a solid supporting proof to the harm of overemphasizing overall success of the society.
你对例子的论述不是很好，over emphasis on  whole success 不好，不好在那里，the prime minister of Germany kneel down似乎关系不大吧？

In sum, a society should consider the well-beings of its individual citizens as an important source of the pressure and a crucial impulse of the success. I would concede that a society should have its goal to make the success, however, overemphasizing such success while neglecting the individual needs will be an dangerous action.
我认为你的语句比较流畅，有些词用的比我好比如; inner pressure， 但是文章的结构不是太紧凑，说实话我昨天也在想这篇文章到底该怎么写，比如Hitler 他到底是在追求overall success of the country 还是在寻求personal well-fare呢？比较郁闷！！

neverflyUID: 166610

多谢枫丹啊
HItler的例子目的是为了证明“overemphasizing of the overall success is somewhat dangerous" and "can serve for the ambitions of a few people,倒不一定在乎Hiltler自己怎么想。不过我的举例论证很差就是了。//shy

二三段你改的很好啊，而且我自己的表述也有问题，不精确。打算明天我再重写一遍。

最初由 枫丹 发布
[B]I strongly disagree with the contention that a society should put its overall success before the well-being of its individual citizens primarily because the tri..

以下省略...... [/B]

imjasonUID: 176604

我昨天晚上也是上不了哦
To neverfly:这次轮到我来狠拍你了:D

anfernee-kkUID: 194668

I strongly disagree with the contention that a society should put its overall success before the well-being of its individual citizens primarily because the trivial of a society depends on not only the outer threatens from the circumstances but also the inner pressure from the inharmonic of the living of its individual citizens. In addition, emphasizing the overall success will fail to inspire the individuals to work together for the success of the success and will lead to serious consequence.后面的论述中好像没有inspire the individuals to work together的踪影啊

To begin with, we should make clear how a society can thrive. In the historical view, when human society came into existence, it must defend against various dangerous animals, made a living under the pressure of nature and how to divide the food within the groups. Later, when the human beings knew how to get more food, the slavery came into existence. Then the main pressure for the society to survive is due to the fight between groups and the conflicts between slaves and slave-owners. The latter conflicts comprise the main threaten of the slavery society and lead to collapse of the slavery. More recently, with the developing of technology, human society is under the outer pressures including circumstance pollution and conflicts between countries, and also the inner pressures including importantly, the inner disorders such as religion conflicts, economical discontent, and etc. As an observation, it is clear that in every stage of the society existing, the outer pressure exists together with the inner pressure, which shows that the society must not neglect the well-being of its individuals.枫丹的意见，我很同意，社会的thriving和个人的well-being的关系没说清楚啊

In addition, a successful society should consider the needs and desires of its individual citizens so that their passion could be utilized to the prosperous of the society. To prove this, one should look no further than the example of Renaissance age. In the Renaissance age, more and more people were not content with the oppression by the churches and doctrines. They spent much effort to express their feeling and create novel techniques for the society. Numerous artists and scientists came into existence, while glorious works and technologies produced during the Renaissance are much more than any period before. This example shows that the individual citizens' desire is a great source of society success and should not be neglected.这个例子好像在说明个人的成就会带来社会的繁荣，段首句修改一些会好一点

On the contrary, overemphasizing of the overall success of the whole society is somewhat dangerous and sometime lead to even autarchy. To neglect the needs and opinions of individuals in fact is to refuse the idea of democracy. Without the democrat process, the success of such society might be wrongly directed to serve for the ambitions of a few people. Supposing the example of Germany in the second world war, in which the whole society is wrongly lead by the idea of Adolf Hilter and became a tool to realized his personal ambition. Now the whole society in German regrets for the history and feels sorry not only themselves but also the whole world. In the 1980s, one of the prime minister of Germany once even kneel down to express his sorry for the last, which is a solid supporting proof to the harm of overemphasizing overall success of the society.好像说了Hilter之后就没说太多individualde的东西了，我觉得既然你认为个人的总要，就必须多说点失败的战争带来的痛苦而不是只是后悔

In sum, a society should consider the well-beings of its individual citizens as an important source of the pressure and a crucial impulse of the success. I would concede that a society should have its goal to make the success, however, overemphasizing such success while neglecting the individual needs will be an dangerous action.

我基础不好，语法方面就不太会挑了！只能从逻辑上说了
楼主的思路基本能明白，但是论述上还不能完全针对社会与个人的关系展开
不过限着时间，思路的确会有点obstacle。
最后一点意见，虽然是限着时间写，但是clear，show这些词最好可以换掉。我还在努力改掉这些习惯，大家一起加油吧！！感谢你的砖头

thminUID: 192642

I strongly disagree with the contention that a society should put its overall success before the well-being of its individual citizens primarily because the trivialthriving of a society depends on not only the outer threatens from the circumstances这个表达不太明白 but also the inner pressure from the inharmonicinharmony of the livings of its individual citizens. In addition, emphasizing the overall success willwill太绝对了,用might/may较好 fail to inspire the individuals to work together for the success of the success for the success of the success是 什么意思啊?and will lead to serious consequenceserious consequece的概念有点模糊.

To begin with, we should make clear how a society can thrive. In the historical view, when human society came into existence, it 这里的主语用people较好must defend against various dangerous animals, madeand make a living under the pressure of nature and learn how to divide the food换成distribute the food supply within the groups. Later, when the这个the应去掉 human beings knew how to get more foodmore ways to get sufficient or additional food, the slavery came into existence. 知道怎么取得更多食物就产生奴隶制,这也太突然了吧!Then the main pressure for the society to survive is due to the fights betweenamong,这种斗争不是两者之间的 groups and the conflicts between slaves and slave-owners. The latter conflicts comprise the main threaten of the slavery society and lead to collapse of the slavery. More recently, with the developingdevelopment of technology, human society is under the outer pressures including circumstance pollution环境污染一般用environment pollution吧 and conflicts between countries这个概念可以再具体一些,比较wars, violence等等, and also the inner pressures including importantly, the inner disorders such as religion conflicts, economical discontent, and 这里最好再有一个并列的概念etc. As an observation, it is clear that in every stage of the society existing, the outer pressure exists together with the inner pressure, which shows that the society must not neglect the well-being of its individuals.我觉得你这段论证比较weak,不论前面原始社会到奴隶社会的发展,还是当今国家之间的斗争&冲突几乎没有涉及到society和individual的关系.虽然最后那一句终于联系到了,但是感觉及为牵强,没有论述清楚两者之间的联系.

In addition, a successful society should consider the needs and desires of its individual citizens so that their passion could be utilized to the prosperousprosperity of the society. To prove this, one should look no further than the example of Renaissance age. In the Renaissance age, more and more people were not content discontent with the oppression by the churches and doctrines. They spent made much effort我印象里effort好象是C啊 to express their feeling and create novel techniques for the society这里的后半句表达也比较模糊. Numerous artists and scientists came into existence, while glorious works and technologies produced during the Renaissance are much more than there are in any period before. This example shows that the individual citizens' desire is a great source of society success and should not be neglected.

On the contrary, overemphasizing of the overall success of the whole society is somewhat dangerous and sometimes leads to even这个even挪到sometimes后面 autarchy. To neglect the needs and opinions of individuals in fact is to refuse the idea of democracy. Without the democratic process, the success of such society might be wrongly directed to serve for the ambitions of only a few people. Supposing the example of Germany in the second world war 二战这三个词全部得大写, in which the whole society应该限定一下是欧洲社会 is wrongly leadled by the idea of Adolf HilterHitler and became a tool to realizedrealize his personal ambition. Now the whole society in German regrets for the history and feels sorry for not only themselves but also the whole world. In the 1980s, one of the prime minister of Germany不需要用one of 吧,直接说Prime Minister XX就行了 once even kneel down to express his sorry应该是一种appology for the lastpast, which is a solid supporting proof to the harm of overemphasizing overall success of the society.看完这一段,我感觉德国prime minister的下跪可以删去,和TS关系已经不太大了;TS里楼主既然说overemphasis会带来破坏性的结果,就应该着重描述一下这种破坏性的结果如何如何,然后我们应该怎样怎样…

In sum, a society should consider the well-beings of its individual citizens as an important source of the pressure and a crucial impulse of the success. I would concede that a society should have its goal to make the success我总感觉这个句子没有表达出楼主的意思,建议再revise一下, however, overemphasizing such success while neglecting the individual needs will be an dangerous action.

总的说来，我觉得楼主的语言还挺流畅的，用词也比较准确。但是个别地方有些小小的语法错误。但这些都是小问题。就本文来说，比较大的问题还是第一个论点没有论述清楚，所以显得有点薄弱。
加油！还有就是有空请帮我拍砖，呵呵。

天晴了UID: 201592

------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户 共用时间：68分54秒 582 words
从2005年2月29日23时49分到2005年2月30日0时68分
------题目------
If a society is to thrive, it must put its own overall success before the well-being of its individual citizens.
提纲：
1 分析how to thrive：
2 有损民主，导致专制
3 正面说，individual的发挥使社会繁荣--renaissance
I strongly disagree with the contention that a society should put its overall success before the well-being of its individual citizens primarily because the trivial 【【thriving】】 of a society depends on not only the outer threatens from the circumstances but also the inner pressure from the inharmonic of the living of its individual citizens.【【富强决定于外界威胁和内部混乱？？？】】 In addition, emphasizing the overall success will fail to inspire the individuals to work together for the success of the success and will lead to serious consequence.【【牵扯了outer threatens ，inharmonic of the living ，这两个新概念进来  是要位后文铺垫吗？要是就很好，不是就有点乱了】】【【另外，观点不太明白】】

To begin with, we should make clear how a society can thrive. In the historical view, when human society came into existence, it must defend against various dangerous animals, made a living under the pressure of nature and how to divide the food within the groups. Later, when the human beings knew how to get more food, the slavery came into existence. Then the main pressure for the society to survive is due to the fight between groups and the conflicts between slaves and slave-owners. The latter conflicts comprise the main threaten of the slavery society and lead to collapse of the slavery. More recently, with the developing of technology, human society is under the outer pressures including circumstance pollution and conflicts between countries, and also the inner pressures including importantly, the inner disorders such as religion conflicts, economical discontent, and etc. As an observation, it is clear that in every stage of the society existing, the outer pressure exists together with the inner pressure, which shows that the society must not neglect the well-being of its individuals.
【【只在最后一句捎上了the well-being of its individuals.前面那么多都和主题比较远】】

In addition, a successful society should consider the needs and desires of its individual citizens so that their passion could be utilized to the prosperous of the society. To prove this, one should look no further than the example of Renaissance age. In the Renaissance age, more and more people were not content with the oppression by the churches and doctrines. They spent much effort to express their feeling and create novel techniques for the society. Numerous artists and scientists came into existence, while glorious works and technologies produced during the Renaissance are much more than any period before. This example shows that the individual citizens' desire is a great source of society success and should not be neglected.

【【好像应该在说well－being of individual 重要的时候 能对比overall，这样才能说服读者。】】

On the contrary, overemphasizing of the overall success of the whole society is somewhat dangerous and sometime lead to even autarchy. To neglect the needs and opinions of individuals in fact is to refuse the idea of democracy. Without the democrat process, the success of such society might be wrongly directed to serve for the ambitions of a few people. Supposing the example of Germany in the second world war, in which the whole society is wrongly lead by the idea of Adolf Hilter（Hitler） and became a tool to realized his personal ambition. Now the whole society in German regrets for the history and feels sorry not only themselves but also the whole world. In the 1980s, one of the prime minister of Germany once even kneel down to express his sorry for the last, which is a solid supporting proof to the harm of overemphasizing overall success of the society.
【【这个段的TS到位】】

In sum, a society should consider the well-beings of its individual citizens as an important source of the pressure and a crucial impulse of the success. I would concede that a society should have its goal to make the success, however, overemphasizing such success while neglecting the individual needs will be an dangerous action.
【【楼主开头这样写I strongly disagree with the contention 我觉得让人理解是很彻底的反对 但是之后论证的是～ “个人”重要，集体也重要，不能过分强调集体，而忽视个人，把开头改一下吧 】】
个人意见～讨论：）

imjasonUID: 176604

I strongly disagree with the contention that a society should put its overall success before the well-being of its individual citizens primarily because the trivial of a society depends on not only the outer可以不用outer吧，后面有vcircumstances了 threatens from the circumstances but also the inner pressure from the inharmonic of the living of its individual citizens. In addition, emphasizing the overall success will fail to inspire the individuals to work together for the success of the success什么意思？ and will可以省去这个will了 lead to serious consequence.开头可以简洁点，我觉得。尤其是出现了In addition，感觉前面的观点就被削弱了

To begin with, we should make clear how a society can thrive. In the historical view, when human society came into existence, it must defend against various ？of dangerous animals, made这个是做什么成分用？这个形式正确么？感觉好象是making a living under the pressure of nature and how to divide the food within the groups这后面的how不知道是在说什么了；而且以上说的和个人有什么关系呢. Later, when the human beings knew how to get more food, the slavery came into existence. Then the main pressure for the society to survive is due to the fight between groups and the conflicts between slaves and slave-owners. The latter conflicts comprise the main threaten of the slavery society and lead to collapse of the slavery. More recently, with the developing of technology, human society is under the outer pressures including circumstance pollution and conflicts between countries, and also the inner pressures including importantly, the inner disorders such as religion conflicts, economical discontent, and etc. As an observation, it is clear that in every stage of the society existing, the outer pressure exists together with the inner pressure, which shows that the society must not neglect the well-being of its individuals.这段论述看不懂哦，不知道说的这些和个人有什么关系

In addition, a successful society should consider the needs and desires of its individual citizens so that their passion could be utilized to the prosperous这个是形容词吧 of the society. To prove this, one should look no further than the example用这个来表示举例子不错呵 of Renaissance age. In the Renaissance age, more and more people were not content with the oppression by the churches and doctrines. They spent much effort to express their feeling and create novel techniques for the society. Numerous artists and scientists came into existence, while用and要好些吧，没有什么转折啊 glorious works and technologies produced during the Renaissance are much more than any period before. This example shows that the individual citizens' desire is a great source of society success and should not be neglected. 我想了一下，觉得应该说明的是在文艺复兴前由于一系列的宗教革命，使人的兴趣不再被压抑，于是导致了社会欣欣向荣的局面。而我俩都没把这个说清楚。当然那个什么破宗教革命没必要说了

On the contrary, overemphasizing of the overall success of the whole society is somewhat dangerous and sometime感觉用might or may表达要比重复出现some玩意要好些 lead to even autarchy. To neglect the needs and opinions of individuals in fact is to refuse the idea of democracy. Without the democrat process, the success of such society might be wrongly directed to serve for the ambitions of a few people. Supposing the example of Germany in the second world war, in which the whole society is wrongly lead？led by the idea of Adolf Hilter and became a tool to realized his personal ambition这句话的语法有问题，要修改下. Now the whole society in German regrets for the history and feels sorry not only themselves but also the whole world. In the 1980s, one of the prime minister of Germany once even kneel down to express his sorry for the last, which is a solid supporting proof to the harm of overemphasizing overall success of the society.不知道这个例子有什么作用，好象和文章的关系不大

In sum, a society should consider the well-beings of its individual citizens as an important source of the pressure and a crucial impulse of the success. I would concede that a society should have its goal to make the success, however, overemphasizing such success while neglecting the individual needs will be an dangerous action.
连续对着电脑做了两天的实验，脑袋有点晕，瞎改了:D