issue7 同主题 总于赶上了 有拍必回

nora0020UID: 104886

-感觉比较一般的一篇 需要大家的砖头
-----题目------
The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records.
------正文------
In the contemporary science and technological advanced society, electric easily used machines could be always seen around our everyday lives. For the reason of electric machines as video camera that convenience and lighted people's normal lives some people may draw the point that the recording machine such as video camera shows a more accurately and convincing record than the recording method of writing documentations of the modern life. Though we are not denying how convenience the video camera play a more and more important role in today's society, using the following views I can concern to the point that written records are more important part through the three fields discussed above.

To begin with, we will see how accurately and convincingly the written records are. Take the publish books for example, comparing to the video camera which made by a certain people and have no chance or possibility to check out by any standards or the government offices, while as a pattern of written records the publish books always checked by the government offices to make sure the  correct of the information it contains. Because of this tradition people especially for the scientists in order to be trusted and want to hold the truth still hopeful to find and save information according to the written records. On the opposite situation, the easily changing contents which s video camera records show make many people fear to stand closely to these new invented machines. According to these reasons we could see people still take more care about the old method--written documentation--than the electric one.

In addition, there are many records from the ancient times almost served as the writing forms, it not only tells us the history but also the process of the culture changing and some even have important meaning for a certain people and for a certain times. Like writer's scripts, if it changed by video camera forms no one could get the feeling of the temporal thoughts what the author have at the time of writing that famous work. This feeling continued in the contemporary society and still makes people to realize how irreplaceably the written records do better than the video camera's forms.

Furthermore, from using the new technological products, it may create so many problems and one of it is that it can not be served for a long time. But the advantages showed about the video camera form of documentation are also interested the people.
The most benefit way is that it can be saved for the moving process which let people clearly know the development of the change and it obviously to see the expediently carrying to the huge information which may saved in thousands of written records.
People could do better documentations by using the interactions of these two recording forms that could make people's contemporary life more satisfying.

To sum up, video camera form of documentations although sometime make people feel convenience, we still can not forget about the more accurately and convincing documentation form-- written records.

smartyrUID: 169453

感觉比较一般的一篇 需要大家的砖头
-----题目------
The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records.
------正文------
In the contemporary science and technological advanced society, electric easily used machines could be always seen around our everyday lives. a great many of electronic products pervade daily lives也行For the reason of electric machines as video camera that convenience and lighted people's normal lives some people may draw the point that the recording machine such as video camera shows a more accurately and convincing record than the recording method of writing documentations of the modern life. Though we are not denying how convenience the video camera play a more and more important role in today's society, using the following views I can concern to the point that written records are more important part through the three fields discussed above.

To begin with, we will see how accurately and convincingly the written records are. Take the publish books for example, comparing to the video camera which made by a certain people and have no chance or possibility to check out by any standards or the government offices, while as a pattern of written records the publish books always checked by the government offices to make sure the correct of the information it contains. Because of this tradition people especially for the scientists in order to be trusted and want to hold the truth still hopeful to find and save information according to the written records. On the opposite situation, the easily changing contents which s video camera records show make many people fear to stand closely to these new invented machines. According to these reasons we could see people still take more care about the old method--written documentation--than the electric one.

In addition, there are many records from the ancient times almost served as the writing forms, it not only tells us the history but also the process of the culture changing and some even have important meaning for a certain people and for a certain times. Like writer's scripts, if it changed by video camera forms no one could get the feeling of the temporal thoughts what the author have at the time of writing that famous work. This feeling continued in the contemporary society and still makes people to realize how irreplaceably the written records do better than the video camera's forms.

Furthermore, from using the new technological products, it may create lead to/result inso many problems and one of it one of which 改重句is that it can not be served for a long time. 为什不能serve 很长时间？But the advantages showed about the video camera form of documentation are also interested the people.这段与前面两段的逻辑不好!本段的接连词furthrmore ，所以这里不因说他的好处
The most benefit way is that it can be saved for the moving process which let people clearly know the development of the change and it obviously to see the expediently carrying to the huge information which may saved in thousands of written records.省钱省地，展开
People could do better documentations by using the interactions of these two recording forms that could make people's contemporary life more satisfying. more convenient and comforable than ever before这没有将它的不好？　

To sum up, video camera form of documentations although sometime make people feel convenience, we still can not forget about the more accurately and convincing documentation form-- written records.

觉得你的结构不是太好，B3有问题，每到点子上

smartyrUID: 169453

前面改好的怎么没有了呢！
第一段啰嗦。
B1认为政府美检查审核，我觉得站不住脚！这与他们有何关系？

nora0020UID: 104886

最初由 smartyr 发布
[B]前面改好的怎么没有了呢！
第一段啰嗦。
B1认为政府美检查审核，我觉得站不住脚！这与他们有何关系？ [/B]

第一段我的意思是在查找资料的时候，从政府检查审核过的出版物上找到的东西更具有说服力。

第三段是让步，讲video camera documentation 的好处

athiferUID: 199136

In the contemporary science and technological advanced society, electric easily used machines 觉得不如改作high-tech electronic equipments,下同 could be always seen around our everyday lives. For the reason of electric machines as video camera that convenience and lighted people's normal lives是从句吗，convenience和lighted都是adj.啊 some people may draw the point that the recording machines such as video camera show去掉s a more accurate去掉ly and convincing record than the recording method of writing documentations of the modern life.for the reason这句结构有误，前半句可改为for the reason that electronic equipments such as video camera make people’s daily lives more convenience and colorful Though we are not denying how convenience the video camera play a more and more important role in today's society, using the following views 觉得改为with following discuss好些 I can concern to the point that written records are more important part through the three fields discussed above.长句爱好者呵呵

To begin with, we will see how accurately and convincingly the written records are. Take the publish books for example, comparing to改为with the video camera which made by 去掉a certain people and have no chance or possibility to check out by any standards or the government offices, while as a pattern of written records the publish books always checked by the government offices 图书出版的审阅未必都是政府做的… to make sure the correctness of the information it contains they contain注意前后一致. Because of this tradition people especially for the scientists in order to be trusted and want to hold the truth still hopeful to find and save information according to the written records. 上句结构有误 On the opposite situation, the easily changing contents which video camera records show make many people fear to stand closely to these newly invented machines. According to these reasons we could see people still take more care 并没有指出明确的事实people take more care about the old method--written documentation--than the electric electronic one.

In addition, there are many records from the ancient time去掉s almost served as ?by the writing forms, it they not only tells us the history but also the process of the culture changing and some even have important meaning for 去掉a certain people and for 去掉a certain time去掉s. Like writer's scripts, if it 改为they were changed by video camera forms no one could get the feeling of the temporal thoughts what the author have at the time of writing that famous work. This feeling continued in the contemporary society and still makes people to realize how irreplaceably 用在这里不对 the written records do better than the video camera's forms.这句可以改为…to realize how irreplaceable the written records are and how they could do better than the video camera’s forms do
觉得本段的重心应该放在contemporary life 上，如题所要求。而段中最后才由古及今说到现代，如果能充分展开的话效果会很好

Furthermore, from using the new technological products, it may create so many problems and one of it them,对应problems is that it can not be served for a long time. But the advantages showed about the video camera form of documentation are also interested 被动吗，这里不应该是被动吧 the people.
The most benefit way is that it can be saved for the moving process which let people clearly know the development of the change and it obviously to see the expediently carrying to the huge information which may be saved in thousands of written records. 还是觉得读的拗口，结构上有一些问题
People could do better documentations by using the interactions 是合作吧，interaction是指互相砸砖头之类的 of these two recording forms that could make people's contemporary life more satisfying.这段是让步吧，这样的话和第一段结尾的three fields是不是矛盾了呢

To sum up, video camera form of documentations although sometimes make people feel convenience, we still can not forget about the more accurately去掉 and convincing documentation form-- written records.


砸得凶了一点…觉得主要的观点和两正一反的总分结构还是很不错的，一些看法和写法也是值得我学习的。但是有一些问题：
1．        觉得楼主很爱写长句，而如果长句过长，则结构难以驾御，很容易出错（这也是我自己常犯的问题）。觉得可以适当的把长句分解，只有一两个从句的句子看上去也会不错，并且不容易出错。
2．        在内容上段中的分析还不够清晰，在支持主题上B2和B3做的都不够好。觉得可以参考一下鬼古子发布主题时的分析，还是比较完整的。
3．        还有一点也是关于表述，一些小的问题比如前后一致主动被动单复数之类的，稍加注意应该会有所避免

枫丹UID: 166492

感觉比较一般的一篇 需要大家的砖头
-----题目------
The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records.
------正文------
In the contemporary science and technological advanced society（这一句的contemporary  是修饰谁的呢？）, electric easily used machines could be always seen around our everyday lives. For the reason of electric machines as video camera that convenience and lighted people's normal lives some people may draw the point that the recording machine such as video camera shows a more accurately and convincing record than the recording method of writing documentations of the modern life. Though we are not denying how convenience the video camera play a more and more important role in today's society, using the following views I can concern to the point that written records are more important part through the three fields discussed above. （我认为你的开头罗嗦了， 简单的把题目理清楚， 然后叙述观点就好了！！）

To begin with, we will see how accurately and convincingly the written records are. Take the publish books for example, comparing to the video camera which made by a certain people and have no chance or possibility to check out by any standards or the government offices, while as a pattern of written records the publish books always checked by the government offices to make sure the correct of the information it contains. Because of this tradition people especially for the scientists in order to be trusted and want to hold the truth still hopeful to find and save information according to the written records. On the opposite situation, the easily changing contents（什么样的是changing content???） which s video camera records show make many people fear to stand closely to these new invented machines. According to these reasons we could see people still take more care about the old method--written documentation--than the electric one.[我认为你这一段讲的不清楚， 用argument 的观点: you assume that all of the written records are checked by government  offices; however, 你没有充分的事实来证明， 尽管issue要自圆其说， written records和viedo在这方面的区别似乎不大，至少你没有让我接受这个观点，呵呵 ， 再讨论！！]

In addition, there are many records from the ancient times almost served as the writing forms, it [单复数注意]not only tells us the history but also the process of the culture changing and some even have important meaning for a certain people and for a certain times.（哈哈，你犯了和我类似的错误，追求长句，把很多意思放在一句话里了，要理清楚啊！！） Like writer's scripts, if it changed by video camera forms no one could get the feeling of the temporal thoughts what the author have at the time of writing that famous work. This feeling continued in the contemporary society and still makes people to realize how irreplaceably the written records do better than the video camera's forms. 这个例子在说明什么问题呢？？？

Furthermore, from using the new technological products, it may create so many problems and one of it is that it can not be served for a long time. But the advantages showed about the video camera form of documentation are also interested the people.
The most benefit way is that it can be saved for the moving process which let people clearly know the development of the change and it obviously to see the expediently carrying to the huge information which may saved in thousands of written records.
People could do better documentations by using the interactions of these two recording forms that could make people's contemporary life more satisfying.
你的很多介词用的比较难受，呵呵，不知道是不是我水平问题。 建议把我划线的改一该
To sum up, video camera form of documentations although sometime make people feel convenience, we still can not forget about the more accurately and convincing documentation form-- written records.
[砸狠了，不要怪我，我认为你的句子结构不太流畅。另外每一个段的分论点一定要明确和清楚，例子围绕中心来说，]

nora0020UID: 104886

现在写长句子好像已经成为习惯了，不知不觉就会写得很长，最后真的可能连自己都不知道说了什么，现在改不知道来不来的及

nora0020UID: 104886

to：athifer
你最下面ISSUE7的链接，怎么是A67的？

athiferUID: 199136

sorry,链接错了
以更正

smartyrUID: 169453

最初由 nora0020 发布
[B]to：athifer
你最下面ISSUE7的链接，怎么是A67的？ [/B]现在写长句子好像已经成为习惯了，不知不觉就会写得很长，最后真的可能连自己都不知道说了什么，现在改不知道来不来的及

兄弟你的语言不错，你还有时间。 我就要上场了，没办法！

bluebirdcstonyUID: 197396

The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records.
------正文------
In the contemporary science and technological advanced society, electric easily used想起一个词user-friendly可以用在这吗？ machines could be always 可不可以换一下be 和always 的位置？seen around our everyday lives. For the reason of electric machines as video camera that convenience and lighted people's normal lives some people may draw the point that the recording machine such as video camera shows a more accurately前边这个词好像不对 and convincing record than the recording method of writing documentations of the modern life. Though we are not denying how convenience the video camera play a more and more important role in today's society, using the following views I can concern to the point that written records are more important part through the three fields discussed above.

To begin with, we will see how accurately and convincingly the written records are. [Take the publish books for example]这句话感觉怪怪的, comparing to the video camera which made by a去掉吧 certain people and have no chance or possibility to check out by any standards or the government offices, while as a pattern of written records [the publish books]还是感觉不太对 always checked by the government offices to make sure the correct of the information it contains政府不会查对错吧，只会查是否是对社会有害的，它反对东西. [Because of this tradition people especially for the scientists in order to be trusted and want to hold the truth still hopeful to find and save information according to the written records.]没看懂 On the opposite situation, the easily changing contents which s video camera records show make many people fear to stand closely to these new invented machines. According to these reasons we could see people still take more care about the old method--written documentation--than the electric one.

In addition, there are many records from the ancient times almost served as是IN还是AS？没看太懂 the writing forms, it not only tells us the history but also the process of the culture changing and some even have important meaning for a certain people and for a certain times. Like writer's scripts, if it changed by video camera forms no one could get the feeling of the temporal thoughts what the author have at the time of writing that famous work写作可以用VIDEO记录吗？. [This feeling continued]这种感觉应该是从V发明后才开始的吧，你前边写的是很早以前的，可以这么说吗？ in the contemporary society and still makes people to realize how irreplaceably the written records do better than the video camera's forms.

Furthermore, from using the new technological products, it may create so many problems and one of it is that it can not be served for a long time. But the advantages showed about the video camera form of documentation are also interested the people.
The most benefit way is that it can be saved for the moving process 可不可以改用be used for saving the moving process？which let people clearly know the development of the change and it obviously to 怎么会有个TO？see the expediently carrying to the huge information which may saved in thousands of written records.
People could do better documentations by using the interactions相互作用，感觉是它们两者之间的 of these two recording forms that could make people's contemporary life more satisfying.

To sum up, video camera form of documentations although感觉应该放前别 sometime make people feel convenience, we still can not forget about the more accurately and convincing documentation form-- written records.


https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=261383

nora0020UID: 104886

最初由 smartyr 发布
[B][QUOTE]最初由 nora0020 发布
[B]to：athifer
你最下面ISSUE7的链接，怎么是A67的？ [/B]现在写长句子好像已经成为习惯了，不知不觉就会写得很长，最后真的可能连..

以下省略...... [/B]

真高兴头一次有人说我的语言不错呢！考试的时候语言，结构能维持现在这样就不错了，现在最想做的就是怎么才能在规定的时间写完
没到最后就是说还可以改善，表灰心啊，而且看你写了这么多，不可能一点进步都没有，积少成多嘛