Issue 191, 才开始计时练习，帮忙参考一下！

albertzlhUID: 168106

191. "Education should be equally devoted to enriching the personal lives of students and to training students to be productive workers."

The issue of what should education focus on is a controversial one, since education at different level should be devoted to different aim. On the one hand, basic education should mainly concentrate on individual development. On the other hand, higher and professional education should be devoted both to enriching personal lives and to training students to be productive workers. However, in the final analysis, I'd like to say the proper conclusion should be made by analyzing the situation as the case might be. Here I would explain a few of the most important reasons to support my viewpoint.

One reason for my attitude is that primary level education should mainly concentrate on promoting individual development. Children are always ready to accept new ideas and events, so it is very important to cultivate their interests and broaden their views. Therefore, primary education should focus on enriching children's personal lives.

Another reason to support my opinion is that higher and professional education should focus on special training while middle level education should be equally devoted to both personal development and career preparation. To illustrate this point, let's firstly take the situation in high school as an example. In high school, students are in their critical developmental phases physically and mentally. Their views of value and the world are not determined and should be directed. Therefore, if the education just concentrate on academic courses and ignore personal development, it is highly possible that they will become problems of the society in the future. On the other hand, however, higher education and professional training should focus on special training because the main aim of education at these levels are preparing constructers for the society. And it is also true that students at these levels could balance personal improvement and career preparation by themselves.

Perhaps the best reason for my position is that students who have an enriched personal life would become more efficient workers. Supposing a student who does not know how to enjoy himself/herself, then he/she might feel unease and boring after a day's work. Even worse, some young workers may try to make troubles to the society just because they have nothing to do. On the contrary, one who have some hobbies is quite different. For example, imagine a worker who have strong interest in musical instruments, he/she would have a good time playing piano after work or during the weekends. In this way he/she could also find some good friends with common interests. As a result, he/she could live a very happy life and be always energetic. There is no surprise that he/she would be  more productive workers.

For all these reasons I believe that the goals of education should be determined by taking into account both the education level and the main purpose of the education.

kkytUID: 188814

偶来了,学习以下

kkytUID: 188814

Issue 191, 才开始计时练习，帮忙参考一下！[开始限时not 计时,要限定时间必须强迫自己写完]
191. "Education should be equally devoted to enriching the personal lives of students and to training students to be productive workers." [这道我写过，看看你的，呵呵，不过不是高频啊，比较功利！] 教育应该平衡的一方面丰富学生的个人生活，一方面把学生培养成训练有素的工作者。
The issue of what should education focus on is a controversial one, since education at different level should be devoted to different aim.[以下是你的观点吧，加in my opinion, 因为你前面说的是大部分人再争议，后面自然要引出，我认为~~~] On the one hand, basic education should mainly concentrate on [individual development，个人的发展，虾米意思，是题目的个人生活么？]. On the other hand, higher and professional education should be devoted both to enriching personal lives and to training students to be productive workers. However[惊！转折？前面不分析的挺好么], in the final analysis, I'd like to say the proper conclusion should be made by analyzing the situation as the case might be.[这不是转折，也不要在这写这样的话，建议去掉] Here I would explain a few of the most important reasons to support my viewpoint. [分阶段论证，思路不错，但是开头不简洁，与你body1比它的字数还多] [但是这道题有个关键，题目有个balance 也就是说作者已经是很完整的观点了。]

One reason for my attitude is that primary level education should mainly concentrate on promoting individual development. Children are always ready to accept new ideas and events, [只有children容易接受new ideas ? 逻辑错误]so it is very important to cultivate their interests and broaden their views. Therefore, primary education should focus on enriching children's personal lives.
[这段太少字，有点影响整体效果，而且这段和下一段应该是你的论证重点，因此你应该好好想一下初级教育注重学生生活的好处。或为什么应该主要在生活上，而不是工作上。][我的一点思路仅供参考，比如小学生或儿童的知识不够，理解力不完善，更多的应该教给他们一些基本的知识，生活的常识，教会他们如何去生活，而且小学生的道德品质有很大的可塑性，应该教育他门的品德。而不应关注学生专业技能的培养]

Another reason to support my opinion is that higher and professional education should focus on special training[高等职业教育？是指大学教育么？] while middle level education [又引出一个中等教育？但你的第一段没交代啊]should be equally devoted to both personal development and career preparation. To illustrate this point, let's firstly take the situation in high school as an example. In high school, students are in their critical developmental phases physically and mentally. Their views of value and the world are not determined and should be directed. Therefore, if the education just concentrate[concentrates] on academic courses and ignore[ignores] personal development, it is highly possible that they [they指谁？]will become problems of the society in the future. On the other hand, however, higher education and professional training should focus on special training because the main aim of education at these levels [在这些水平上？不就高等教育这一个层次么]are[is] [is to表目的 ]preparing[prepare] constructers for the society.[感觉中式英语，改the aim of education to cultivate person with ability to promote the society]  And it is also true that students at these levels could balance personal improvement and career preparation by themselves.[为什么？是true，没有解释，凭空论断][这段的论证还行，但是语言需要提高，许多词汇比较低级-----我认为，表生气啊]

Perhaps the best reason for my position is that students who have an enriched personal life would become more efficient workers. [这一段和上面的分阶段写极不和谐，这指的是那个阶段啊？]Supposing a student who does not know how to enjoy himself/herself, then he/she might feel unease and boring after a day's work. Even worse, some young workers may try to make troubles to the society just because they have nothing to do[惊！没有事做跟你的段首论点，没有enriched personal就没有efficient works矛盾啊，没事做是没有技能啊]. On the contrary, one who have [has] some hobbies is quite different. For example, imagine[imagining] a worker who have[has] strong interest in musical instruments, he/she would have a good time playing piano after work or during the weekends. In this way he/she could also find some good friends with common interests. As a result, he/she could live a very happy life and be always energetic. There is no surprise that he/she would be more productive workers. [你的意思我明白，但是你的语言真的需要提高，几乎全是中学词汇，句子还超短，可能是限时的缘故吧。]
[而且这段还和你的全文的论点根本就不搭配，谈何 the best reason]

For all these reasons I believe that the goals of education should be determined by taking into account both the education level and the main purpose of the education.[结尾总结的还不错，不过[就29个字，这样结尾也太那~~~~~][对了我觉的应该有明显的结尾词，如in sum, 等]
[总的来说，你的这篇文章写的不好，我的个人感觉，偶说话比较实在，说错了别生气。大家来寄托也不是为了听好话的，对吧，最后感谢你对我的问题的回复，互相学习，我的水平也很烂，一起进步吧]

albertzlhUID: 168106

多谢回复! 还是头一次得到修改.
这篇文章是限时的, 本人从小就偏科啊, 语文基础比较差, 因此写作文是件头疼的事.
这篇文章ORGANIZATION不够清晰, 主要是思维不流畅, 论证缺乏条理和力度. 就单词和句子长度而言, 恐怕短短几天不会有大的提高.
只能坚持到最后了:)