issue30 感谢iq斑竹，已修改

pippo1983UID??172110

TOPIC: ISSUE30 - "The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time."
WORDS: 653          TIME: 0:33:44          DATE: 2007-3-22
1技术带来效率
2没有带来更多休闲
3主要目的是解决问题
What is the primary goal of technological development? The speaker claims that the goal should be to increase people's efficiency so that we will have more leisure time. I disagree with this claim because for one thing, there are other goals of technology which are more important than to increase efficiency. For the other thing, we do not get more leisure time as a result of advance of technology.

Admittedly, technological advance has largely promoted our efficiency of working and living. Progress in communication is a good example. A hundred years ago, we had to depend on delivery of letters by carriages to contact our friends, relatives who live far away from us, which usually takes weeks or even months to arrive at the destinations. In contrast, nowadays we only need a computer connected to the internet and to send them email, which only needs a few seconds to reach them. Our efficiency of living has been increased owning to the new technology. The same progress is also applied on working. Machines have already replaced many labour workers to accelerate the process of manufacture. Within the same time, machines can produce more than human worker. The increase of our property and wealth is mainly resulted from the increase of efficiency.

However, the increase of efficiency does not necessarily lead to more leisure time, as we expected. Although we have reduced working hours and more holidays, some investigation indicates that people still do not have much leisure time.  This phenomenon is more obvious and noticeable in some developing countries, such as my fatherland--China. Although we have adopted eight working hours per day and five working days, people still need to sustain a lot of pressures which compel them to use their leisure time to work and study, rather than relax and entertain. More and more people need to work extra hours to gain more profits for their employers although the efficiency has been improved. The increase of efficiency actually accelerates our pace of lives. The increase of works is far more that the increase of efficiency. For example, a engineer might only need to finish a design draft in one week several decades ago, but now he may need to finish three because the increasing efficiency makes it possible. Therefore he may not need to go to work in weekends, but still need to do some computer design at home. When the efficiency is rising, our pursue for more profits and interests also grow as a result. Technology does increase efficiency, but not bring us more leisure time, at least not for everyone.

Furthermore, there are other objects the advance of technology needs to fulfill besides efficiency. Some of them are even more important than the increase of efficiency. One crucial task for scientists and researchers is to develop advanced technology to solve some problems faced by the human being, such as environmental damage, scanty of energy, and nuclear power, etc. The exploration of the Moon may not increase our efficiency, but there are still a lot of countries which invest a lot to develop technology for exploring the Moon. One of reason is that the resources in the Moon could be used to solve the limited energy in the earth, once they can be mined and exploited in the future.
If the development of technology only concentrates on some efficient problems, we will definitely lose more than what we can afford--probably the whole future. For instance, if no efforts are put on exploring new energy to replace petroleum, some experts predict that the next world war will break out to occupy limited energy.  Efficiency is one important goal of developing technology, but not the primary one.

From what has been discussed above, we may conclude that the technology has brought efficiency to us, but our leisure time has not increased. Technology should regard solving problems of human being as the primary goal, not the efficiency.

[ 本帖最后由 pippo1983 于 2007-3-27 10:13 编辑 ]

pippo1983UID??172110

自己顶下，给个分就好啊。。。。

arthuringUID??2246908

不看文章光看数据  lz够牛了

pippo1983UID??172110

题目简单才能写这么快啊，我想知道这个逻辑还差多远。。。。

EddaUID??2272384

:funk: 牛啊~~~
不过祖国不是motherland么？

pippo1983UID??172110

fatherland, motherland, both fine~~

pippo1983UID??172110

up~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

雨泣...UID??2118418

我现在45分钟还只能勉强450...

差距啊！

追~

belindazhaoUID??2295409

中国好像一般用motherland,只知道德国人用fatherland.

iq28UID??2152875

What is the primary goal of technological development? The speaker claims that the goal should be to increase people's efficiency so that we will have more leisure time. I disagree with this claim because for one thing, there are other goals of technology which are more important than to increase efficiency. For the other thing, (其实两个观念之间可以给出一个更高级的让步关系,不一定要用并列) we do not get more leisure time as a result of advance of technology. (开头段落观念表述得很清晰.赞)

Admittedly, technological advance has largely promoted our efficiency of working and living. (ts清晰,不过下面最好接着点论证,不要直接上例子) Progress in communication is a good example. A hundred years ago, we had to depend on delivery of letters by carriages to contact our friends, relatives who live far away from us, which usually takes weeks or even months to arrive at the destinations. In contrast, nowadays we only need a computer connected to the internet and to send them email, which only needs a few seconds to reach them. (例子太冗长.这个例子看了前面就知道后面要说什么,不是那种大家生疏的例子,所以只需要非常简明地点到就可以了,后面多加分析性的话效果会更好) Our efficiency of living has been increased owning to the new technology. (和上面的例子联系不紧密) The same progress is also applied on working. Machines have already replaced many labour workers to accelerate the process of manufacture. Within the same time, machines can produce more than human worker. The increase of our property and wealth is mainly resulted from the increase of efficiency. (整体框架无问题.正面说理偏少,而且深度不够)

However, the increase of efficiency does not necessarily lead to more leisure time, as we expected. (每段的ts倒是很清晰.不错) Although we have reduced working hours and more holidays, some investigation indicates that people still do not have much leisure time.  This phenomenon is more obvious and noticeable in some developing countries, such as my fatherland--China. (考试时还是不要自报家门吧) Although we have adopted eight working hours per day and five working days, people still need to sustain a lot of pressures which compel them to use their leisure time to work and study, rather than relax and entertain. (不是很有针对性的例证.需要证明的是一个国家在科技进步后是否休闲时间会增加.你这个例子更像发展中国家因为科技水平还不够所以社会不够进步所以人压力很大,没有闲暇时间) More and more people need to work extra hours to gain more profits for their employers although the efficiency has been improved. (这句话相对于上一句针对性就强了很多.good) The increase of efficiency actually (放在句首吧.看起来更清楚一点) accelerates our pace of lives. The increase of works is far more that the increase of efficiency. (要指明increase of works也是科技发展的原因) For example, a engineer might only need to finish a design draft in one week several decades ago, but now he may need to finish three because the increasing efficiency makes it possible. (例子不好,晦涩难懂.because后面的理由没看明白...而且科技进步使得工作量加大更多的是因为人们的需求也随之增加.个人见解) Therefore he may not need to go to work in weekends, but still need to do some computer design at home. When the efficiency is rising, our pursue for more profits and interests also grow as a result. (good.但不仅是profits,关键问题还是desire) Technology does increase efficiency, but not bring us more leisure time, at least not for everyone.

Furthermore, there are other objects the advance of technology needs to fulfill besides efficiency. (既然作者说到了primary,那么你这里也应该强调这些other objects也是重要的.看起来更加切题) Some of them are even more important than the increase of efficiency. (...发现你重要的话都喜欢放在后面....) One crucial task for scientists and researchers is to develop advanced technology to solve some problems faced by the human being, such as environmental damage, scanty of energy, and nuclear power, etc. (上一个观念解决问题阐述得很不错,但是下面毫无衔接词居然就转到下一个例子了.) The exploration of the Moon may not increase our efficiency, but there are still a lot of countries which invest a lot to develop technology for exploring the Moon. One of reason is that the resources in the Moon could be used to solve the limited energy in the earth, once they can be mined and exploited in the future. (这一句作为能源问题的总领最好放在月亮的那个例子的前面.否则别人看到你的关于月亮的例子的时候不知道你要用这个例子来支持什么观念) If the development of technology only concentrates on some efficient problems, we will definitely lose more than what we can afford--probably the whole future. (这一句赞!) For instance, if no efforts are put on exploring new energy to replace petroleum, some experts predict that the next world war will break out to occupy limited energy. Efficiency is one important goal of developing technology, but not the primary one. (总结也很好.总体这一段很不错了)

From what has been discussed above, we may conclude that the technology has brought efficiency to us, but our leisure time has not increased. Technology should regard solving problems of human being as the primary goal, not the efficiency.

整个文章的思路比较流畅了
段内论证第一段不是很好
第三段写的相当不错,如果把个别句子的顺序掉换一下会更好

写的不错
继续加油

pippo1983UID??172110

斑竹改的真用心，非常感谢，我得好好看看:handshake :handshake

bangbang1982UID??2279111

7分。

pippo1983UID??172110

What is the primary goal of technological development? The speaker claims that the goal should be to increase people's efficiency so that we will have more leisure time. I disagree with this claim because there is no evidence to indicate the increase of our leisure time. Furthermore, there are other goals of technology, from my point of view, which are more important to increase efficiency.

Admittedly, technological advance has largely promoted our efficiency of working and living. (ts清晰,不过下面最好接着点论证,不要直接上例子) (这里真的没想到该怎么说理，因为效率的提高太明显了，反而不知道如何论述) It is because technology expand our limited abilities by providing advanced machines. For instance, our muscle put a limit on our speed which prevents us from efficient communication, but we can drive a car, or take an airplane to make trips between cities, or countries, because they can increase our traveling speed. Maybe you feel your brain is inefficient and slow in processing information and materials, but you can use a computer which is more capable and efficient in processing information than human minds. Through advanced tools and high-tech machines, we possess more abilities than what have been granted by our body. Now we often can finish more jobs and create more wealth by consuming the same time as before, and our property progresses as a result. (这里实在想不出怎么论证深入些了，斑竹有什么好的提纲么？)

However, the increase of efficiency does not necessarily lead to more leisure time, as we expected.Although we have reduced working hours and more holidays, some investigation indicates that people still do not have much leisure time.  This phenomenon is more obvious and noticeable in some developing countries, such as China. Although we have adopted eight working hours per day and five working days, people still need to sustain a lot of pressures which compel them to use their leisure time to work and study, rather than relax and entertain. More and more people need to work extra hours to gain more profits for their employers although the efficiency has been improved. Actually, the increase of efficiency accelerates our pace of lives, because it make it possible to finish more works by consuming the same time as before, which arouses more desire to gain more benefits.The increase of works, which is resulted from the desire, is far beyond that the increase of efficiency. For example, a engineer might only need to finish a design draft in one week several decades ago, but now he may need to finish three because the increasing efficiency makes it possible to finish them in a week. Therefore he may not need to go to work in weekends, but still need to do some computer design at home. When the efficiency is rising, our pursuit for more profits and interests also grow as a result. Technology does increase efficiency, but not bring us more leisure time, at least not for everyone.

Furthermore, there are other objects the advance of technology needs to fulfill besides efficiency.Some of them are even more important than the increase of efficiency. One crucial task for scientists and researchers is to develop advanced technology to solve some problems faced by the human being, such as environmental damage, scanty of energy, and nuclear power, etc. For instance,the exploration of the Moon may not increase our efficiency, but there are still a lot of countries which invest a lot to develop technology for exploring the Moon, because the resources in the Moon could be used to solve the limited energy in the earth, once they can be mined and exploited in the future. If the development of technology only concentrates on some efficient problems, we will definitely lose more than what we can afford--probably the whole future. For instance, if no efforts are put on exploring new energy to replace petroleum, some experts predict that the next world war will break out to occupy limited energy. Efficiency is one important goal of developing technology, but not the primary one.

From what has been discussed above, we may conclude that the technology has brought efficiency to us, but our leisure time has not increased. Technology should regard solving problems of human being as the primary goal, not the efficiency.

[ 本帖最后由 pippo1983 于 2007-3-27 10:06 编辑 ]

pippo1983UID??172110

晕。。。在word里面改好的颜色这里就赢不了了么。。。。。。