新鲜出炉的作文，大家来拍吧

djconanUID: 2257634

2006.7.8(show respect to older people)
In many countries, insufficient respect is shown to older people. What are the reasons and what problems does it cause to the society?

An increasing number of elderly people feel that they cannot get enough appreciation and respect from others, even sometimes they feel helpless in some situation. To get a sense of how this phenomenon emerged, we must turn first to the causes to it.

First and foremost, it is the selfishness of young people that makes them pay more attention to themselves instead of others. They always think of how to gain status and power in the society, ignoring the fact that a large number of opportunities were created by their elder generations. Another leading factor is that the government authority did not offer great help to these aged people. For instance, retired people sometimes could not get their pension in time, which would, to some extent, affect their normal life. Furthermore, as the increasingly fierce competition in our society, the majority of young people would have to study hard or work day and night to earn more money for their household. Thus, they would probably have little time to show their love and care to their elder parents in spiritual way.

If this trend continues, it would potentially cause some serious problems to our society. No respect to them leads to no care for them, thus most of the older people would probably have no home to stay, which would surely have great negative impacts on the society. Moreover, if the younger generations do not show enough respect to the elderly people, the traditional virtue “Respect for the old” would probably disappear, which would potentially lead to less respect shown by next generations to them in future.

As a concerned member of our society, I would like to ask all of you this: “Would we have the heart to see our older generations be helpless and let the long-existing traditional virtue disappearing?” If not, we’d better show our love and give more care to them.

[ 本帖最后由 djconan 于 2007-8-20 18:20 编辑 ]

djconanUID: 2257634

谁来帮帮我啊

djconanUID: 2257634

别下去

forbeckUID: 2297645

明天我来帮忙吧！今天再看作文，就要吐了~~

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

An increasing number of elderly people feel that they cannot get enough appreciation and respect from others, even sometimes they feel helpless in some situation. To get a sense of how this phenomenon emerged, we must turn first to the causes to it.（这句不错！:) ）

First and foremost, it is the selfishness of young people that makes them pay more attention to themselves instead of others. They always think of how to gain status and power in the society, ignoring the fact that a large number of opportunities were created by their elder generations. （这个理由有些牵强，不太理解你要表达什么，或者可以把那个opportunities换成别的词？）Another leading factor is that the government authority did not offer great help to these aged people. For instance, retired people sometimes could not get their pension in time, which would, to some extent, affect their normal life. Furthermore, as the increasingly fierce competition in our society, the majority of young people would have to study hard or work day and night to earn more money for their household. Thus, they would probably have little time to show their love and care to their elder parents in spiritual way.

If this trend continues, it would potentially cause some serious problems to our society. No respect to them leads to no care for them（感觉这句有点别扭，改为Disrespect leads to careless for elder）, thus most of the older people would probably have no home to stay, which would surely have great negative impacts on the society. Moreover, if the younger generations do not show enough respect to the elderly people, the traditional virtue “Respect for the old” would probably disappear, which would potentially lead to less respect shown by next generations to them in future.(这个理由很好！)

As a concerned member of our society, I would like to ask all of you（这种表达尽量少用！可以说I'd like to propose a quetion that “Would we have the heart to(没有见过这个表达:confused:刚查了一下，坐视不管可以用sit back and look unconcerned） our older generations be helpless and let the long-existing traditional virtue disappearing?” If not, we’d better show our love and give more care to them.

djconanUID: 2257634

First and foremost, it is the selfishness of young people that makes them pay more attention to themselves instead of others. They always think of how to gain status and power in the society, ignoring the fact that a large number of opportunities were created by their elder generations. （这个理由有些牵强，不太理解你要表达什么，或者可以把那个opportunities换成别的词？）
就是说年轻人的好多机会是由上一辈的人创造的，不知道这个理由行不行？
还有那个have the heart to 是表达“忍心“，不知道行不行

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

就是说年轻人的好多机会是由上一辈的人创造的，不知道这个理由行不行？
还有那个have the heart to 是表达“忍心“，不知道行不行

总觉得这个理由太抽象，能有个实例支持一下最好了。

have the heart to表示忍心。。。嗯，学习了
不过刚查了一下，have the heart to 后边最好跟动词，可以这样写，“....have the heart to see our elder being helpless....” :)

forbeckUID: 2297645

An increasing number of elderly people feel that they cannot get enough appreciation and respect from others, even sometimes they feel helpless in some situation. To get a sense of how this phenomenon emerged, we must turn first to the causes to it.

First and foremost, it is the selfishness of young people that makes them pay more attention to themselves instead of others. They always think of how to gain status and power in the society, ignoring the fact that a large number of opportunities were created by their elder generations. Another leading factor is that the government authority did not offer great help to these aged people. For instance, retired people sometimes could not get their pension in time, which would, to some extent, affect their normal life. Furthermore, as the increasingly fierce competition in our society, the majority of young people would have to study hard or work day and night to earn more money for their household. Thus, they would probably have little time to show their love and care to their elder parents in spiritual way.

If this trend continues, it would potentially cause some serious problems to our society. No respect to them leads to no care for them（这句的主语很怪）, thus most of the older people would probably have no home to stay, which would surely have great negative impacts on the society. Moreover, if the younger generations do not show enough respect to the elderly people, the traditional virtue “Respect for the old” would probably disappear, which would potentially lead to less respect shown by next generations to them in future.

As a concerned member of our society, I would like to ask all of you this: “Would we have theheart to see our older generations be helpless and let the long-existing traditional virtue disappearing?” If not, we’d better show our love and give more care to them.

1、第二段：我觉得这段话的理由可以按照逻辑顺序排列下，你给的理由分别来自年轻人——政府——又是年轻人，这样读起来有点乱，想在绕圈子
2、第三段的句子过渡的很精彩！第三段引起的问题，我觉得对应着第二段的原因来说，也写满三个，这两段可能会更漂亮些
3、最后一段，最好不要加进这种带评论性的文字

[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-8-21 17:43 编辑 ]

67169619UID: 2320695

好恐怖的字体啊

faint

forbeckUID: 2297645

;d: ;d: 没办法，每次都得重新编辑才能见人

djconanUID: 2257634

最后一段？什么评论性的？我觉得那个不算吧？
其实，我也不知道应该怎么写，希望能帮帮我，谢谢哈

yp1978UID: 2336462

even sometimes they feel helpless in some situation 中in some situation似为多余，可去。

it is the selfishness of young people that makes them pay more attention to themselves instead of others.中instead of others也可去。这个句子也有些同义反复的感觉。


还有些其他表达也可以换成更加简洁的，多余的表达既损害意思又容易让考官认为作者在凑字数。

forbeckUID: 2297645

因为我写作文的时候，结尾也喜欢像你那样写，但是我们的组长说，这种结尾肯定不合格，所以我现在看结尾段看得都特别认真~~
多看看高分文章，应该能学到的

不过，话说回来，你的结尾如果不是用在雅思，真得写得很有意思，我喜欢这样的文字，不喜欢八股:o

67169619UID: 2320695

原帖由 forbeck 于 2007-8-21 17:43 发表
;d: ;d: 没办法，每次都得重新编辑才能见人

你已经改到进入境界了（忘我境界啊）;d:

djconanUID: 2257634

谢谢阿