【12月-1月IBT综合备考活动】之【TWE写作】12月10日作业by达达

达达摩摩UID: 2499908

12.10日作业：
Is it better to spend money on something that lasts long time, such as an expensive piece of jewelry, or spend on something that provides a short- term pleasure, such as a vacation?（07.5.18）

     Many people often ask this question :“ with the rapid development economy ，the remarkable steady growth people’s living standard .We have more and more free money to operate .But how to spend this free money .Such as have a vacation ,go shopping, learn some new technology etc. There is a compelling issue about how to make full use of our money. However，from my point of view ，I would prefer to take a short vacation in stead of buy some valuable jewelry.

    Firstly , I choose take a vacation because I can release from my pressure, and makes me relaxed. When taking a vacation, it's absolutely relax from our working time. It is a great privilege because I need to be calm down without being disturbed. For example , last summer vacation I went to the Shanghai and Hangzhou with my friends, we visit the fairyland on earth of west lake ，that view was so beautiful. Let us be thorough relaxation .The feeling is so beautiful. We spend money change our own happy time.

     In addition, taking vacation is good for ours heath, some sciences evidence tour the same with jogging. So it promotes the muscular and bone development, also improves strength endurance flexibility immunity and body composition. It reduce obesity and keep fitness, it also prevent diseases of affluence. When we breathe the fresh air in the nature, we have exposure to nature, and we hear the birds singing song, we see the red flower and green grass, we feel very happy. This green vegetation are good for our eyes and also good for our health. We spend money ameliorating my own healthy condition.

     Last but not least, when we go to some places we will see many different local conditions and customs. It is a better understanding of the whole world and different living conditions, and it Increase our awareness and understanding of the world as well as our extra knowledge and our field of vision. We spend money obtaining a number of knowledge.

     In conclusion, although everybody wants to choose the one that fit them could make their choice depends on their own propensity, so, it is of great benefits for me to choose take vacating. Re-emphasize I will choose spending my money to get a short vacation.

闹闹喵UID: 2500331

Many people often ask this question :“ with the rapid development economy ，the remarkable steady growth people’s living standard .We have more and more free money to operate .But how to spend this free money .Such as have a vacation ,go shopping, learn some new technology etc. There is a compelling issue about how to make full use of our money. However，from my point of view ，I would prefer to take a short vacation in stead of buy some valuable jewelry.（开头这一段大可不必采用引用的形式，当成自己的观点写出来就可以了，不然很像模板）

    Firstly , I choose to take a vacation because I can release from(删掉) my pressure, and makes me（make myself） relaxed. When taking a vacation, it's absolutely relax from our working time. It is a great privilege because I need to be calm down without being disturbed. For example , last summer vacation I went to the Shanghai and Hangzhou with my friends, we visit the fairyland on earth of west lake ，that view was so beautiful. Let us be thorough relaxation .The feeling is so beautiful. We spend money change our own happy time.(spend money to change time?可以这样表达的？)（这一段证明有点苍白）

     In addition, taking vacation is good for ours heathe, some sciences evidence tour the same with jogging这一句没有谓语. So it promotes the muscular and bone development, also improves strength endurance flexibility immunity（这四个名词堆在一起容易让人找不着头绪，这四个词合在一起表示一个概念还是各自代表力量耐力柔韧性和免疫力啊？如果是后者应该在每词间加逗号吧？） and body composition. It reduce obesity and keep fitness, it also prevent diseases of（like） affluence. When we breathe the fresh air in the nature, we have exposure to nature, and we hear the birds singing song, we see the red flower and green grass, we feel very happy. This green vegetation are good for our eyes and also good for our health. We spend money ameliorating my (our) own healthy condition.

     Last but not least, when we go to some places we will see many different local conditions and customs. It is a better understanding of the whole world and different living conditions, and it Increase our awareness and understanding of the world as well as our extra knowledge and our field of vision. We spend money obtaining a number of knowledge.

     In conclusion, although everybody wants to choose the one that fit them could make their choice depends on their own propensity, so, it is of great benefits for me to choose take vacating. Re-emphasize I will choose spending my money to get a short vacation.

句子结构很混乱，需要读很多遍，文章连贯性受到影响。可以看出你在努力写长句，但是用法不够地道。另外说理部分不够充实，喜欢重复炒旧饭。一点意见，多有得罪:)

达达摩摩UID: 2499908

谢谢“闹闹喵”啊，刚刚上来就看到啦，你说的毛病就是我这次考试的毛病，高人啊！！！谢谢谢谢，我会努力的，希望多点意见多多得罪！！！:loveliness: :loveliness:

glamorouskyUID: 2459211

Many people often ask this question :“ with the rapid development [of]economy ，the remarkable steady growth people’s living standard [谓语呢].We have more and more free money to operate .But how to spend this free money[这个是无偿款项的意思 闲钱用spare] .[逗号]Such as have[最好用ing形式 下同] a vacation ,go shopping, learn some new technology etc. There is a compelling issue about how to make full use of our money. However，from my point of view ，I would prefer to take a short vacation in stead of buy some valuable jewelry.[实际这两个只是题目举得例子]

Firstly , I choose [to]take a vacation because I can release from my pressure[...release...from..], and makes me relaxed. When taking a vacation, it's absolutely relax from our working time. It is a great privilege because I need to be calm down without being disturbed. For example , last summer vacation I went to the[不需介词] Shanghai and Hangzhou with my friends, we visit the fairyland on earth of west lake ，that view was so beautiful[有些口语化啊 we lost ourselves there]. Let us be thorough relaxation .The feeling is so beautiful. We spend money change our own happy time.

In addition, taking vacation is good for ours heath, some sciences[scientific] evidence tour the same with jogging. So it promotes the muscular and bone development, also improves strength endurance flexibility immunity and body composition. It reduce obesity[搭配有问题] and keep fitness, it also prevent diseases of affluence[这是什么意思呢]. When we breathe the fresh air in the nature, we have exposure to nature, and we hear the birds singing song, we see the red flower and green grass, we feel very happy. This green vegetation are good for our eyes and also good for our health. We spend money ameliorating my own healthy condition[physical condition].      

Last but not least, when we go to some places we will see many different local conditions and customs. It is a better understanding of the whole world and different living conditions, and it Increase our awareness and understanding of the world as well as our extra knowledge and our field of vision. We spend money obtaining a number of knowledge.

In conclusion, although everybody wants to choose the one that fit them could make their choice depends[make...do] on their own propensity, so, it is of great benefits for me to choose[to] take vacating. Re-emphasize I will choose spending my money to get a short vacation.

语法上需注意 有些小错误 另外 词汇尽量丰富 可以看下作文词汇小伴侣 一些句子有些口语化 多积累一些短语较好
内容上 taking vacation 和jewlry是题目给的例子 是不是整篇文章把侧重点放在这里还有待商讨
建议楼主多背一些好的文章

[ 本帖最后由 glamorousky 于 2008-12-11 17:50 编辑 ]