请大家拍文了

水樱樱木UID：2342479

这次选了一篇TWE185里面的，貌似这类题目都写烂了，口语里面也是！写的很toefl，请修改
In the rapid developing society, the people's dietetic custom has a great change during the decades. Also different eating types give people different choices. Some people prefer to eat at food stands or restaurants while other people prefer to prepare and eat at home, both of them are good choices, but for me, I’d like to choose the latter one.

To begin with, eating at home gives me a guarantee of sanitation, so I would not worry about the sanitation problems. All the dishware, cups or bowls, are used personally, and I would not be infected by the disease that spread by food. Once a time, I took food with my friends in a restaurant near our university. When the dishes were served, I saw a worm lying in my rice bowl unexpectedly. After seeing this disgusting scene, I decided never to eat at that restaurant anymore.

In addition, I enjoy the process of cooking, which gives me a lot of fun. Sometimes I have to admit that cooking is also a kind of art, which require you the ability to cook a meal with not only good tastes but also beautiful looking. If there is a school teaching how to make food nearby, I really like to learn in my spare time. Furthermore, I could cook and prepare food together with my friends. In that case, I could enjoy a delicious meal and a wonderful time  with my friends as well.

What' more, It's much cheaper to eat at home. With the increasing of inflation, the prices of material raised gradually these years, especially in the field of eating. I had made a statistic analysis on my expense of diet, which showed that the cost of one meal in a restaurant equals to that of the whole day at home. Therefore, for our college students, the group who didn't have any salary, eating at home is an optimal choice.

However, it's not bad to have a change to eat at food stands and restaurants sometimes, such as your birthday celebration and meeting with people. They may offer a better environment and tastes.

In a word, instead of eating outside in the stands or restaurant, preparing and eating food at home make me more satisfied, enjoyed and I can save a lot of money for future use.
拍文必回:handshake

mpromanusUID：2565872

这位童鞋没有放原题目哦，不过大概可以猜得到啦。。下次请记得放题目~另外原则上每个星期每人限一篇，这次有空位所以给你改了，以后如果你后面有人的话会排到你前面哦，谢谢理解~

In the rapidly developing (如果是连用形容词，rapid后面要加逗号避免歧义) society, the people's dietetic customs had a great changes during the decades. Also, different eating types (What's an 'eating type'? From your next sentence, I guess you meant 'types of food establishments') give people different choices. Some people prefer to eat at food stands or restaurants while other people prefer to prepare and eat at home. Both of them are good choices, but for me, I’d like to choose the latter one. (I didn't really see why you must mention 'dietetic customes CHANGES' in this paragraph. They don't seem to be related to the question you wish to discuss - types of eating habits - nor the stand you're taking.)

To begin with, eating at home gives me a guarantee of sanitation, so I would not worry about the sanitation problems (It's better if you can name here exactly what 'sanitation problems' you're referring to. Sanitation is a big topic - for example, the flush toilet is a cornerstone of modern sanitation, but it obviously doesn't quite fit in the scope of sanitation in dieting and food..). All the dishware, cups or bowls, are used personally, and I would not be infected by the diseases that spread by food. (That's not guaranteed. Personal utensils only protect you against other eaters' diseases, not things that may be in the food itself - like tapeworms.) Once a time (Once已经有a time的意思，要用也应该是once upon a time), I took food with my friends in a restaurant near our university. When the dishes were served, I saw a worm lying in my rice bowl unexpectedly (I don't believe anyone would actually expect a worm in his rice bowl, so you don't really need to say 'unexpectedly'). After seeing this disgusting scene, I decided never to eat at that restaurant anymore.(This doesn't really support your previous argument. Keeping utensils personal doesn't mean they'll definitely be clean and worm-free. The crucial link here is to clean the utensils properly, whether they are personal or not. I've seen enough of those unwashed 'personal' instant noodle bowls in university boys' dorms - my point here is that you need to get down to the ACTUAL reason that links up your arguments with your examples, or else your writing will appear weak and vague.)

In addition, I enjoy the process of cooking, which gives me a lot of fun. Sometimes I have to admit that cooking is also a kind of art, which requires from you the ability to cook a meal with not only of good tastes but also beautiful looks. If there is a school teaching how to cook make food (Making food and cooking are not necessarily the same: a sausage factory makes food but it doesn't cook.) nearby, I really like to learn (what?) in my spare time. Furthermore, I could cook and prepare food together with my friends. In that case, I could enjoy a delicious meal and a wonderful time  with my friends as well. (Cooking at home is not necessarily the same as eating at home. If you've ever cooked for a potluck dinner at someone else's home, you'll know what I mean - again, as I said, you need to get down to the ACTUAL reason that links everything up, or else you don't really have a coherent and persuasive argument.)

What' more, it's much cheaper to eat at home. With the increasing of inflation (inflation就有increase的意思了，如果要表达inflation越来越大应该用severe，而且increase本身就是名词，用动名词也不对。。), the prices of materials raised rose (raise是及物动词，只能raise something或者something is raised而不能something raise. 这种是不及物动词，要用rise) gradually these years, especially in the field of eating. I had made a statistical analysis on my expenses on diet, which showed that the cost of one meal in a restaurant equals to that of the whole day at home (You don't really do a 'statistic' analysis on data. 'Statistic' means one single datum in a sample - the result you get is only one single occurence. If you want to show you did the analysis with a lot of data and you're drawing a generalized conclusion, that's 'statistics', and you need to say something like '..that the AVERAGE cost of one meal in a restaurant equals...). Therefore, for our college students, the group who that didn't have any salary, eating at home is an optimal choice.

However, it's not bad to have a change to eat at food stands and restaurants sometimes, such as during your birthday celebration and meeting with people. They may offer a better environment and tastes.

In a word, instead of eating outside in the stands or restaurant, preparing and eating food at home make me more satisfied, enjoyed (There's no such word. If you want to express the state of enjoying, it should be 'joyful') and I can save a lot of money for future use.

总结：

基本功不错，论点也不错，请注意一些细节上的语法和词汇的使用。另外请注意论据的严谨 - 顺便回答你的问题 - 俺一向是更强调内容清楚，结构严谨，因为如果话都说不明白，哪怕说得再漂亮也只是空架子。而且一般能把自己的想法清楚严密表达出来的人，词汇语法也不会差到哪里去。

How to stay in focus? 随时问自己，我这个论述从哪里可以说明我论点的哪个方面？如果发现不能够回答这个问题，那多半是跑题，或者逻辑之间的联系不清晰。就如在你文中的评语所述，拿第一段来说吧，你的关键字基本上是 在家吃饭清洁卫生 - 餐具只由个人使用 - 饭店有虫。那么你问一问自己，餐具个人使用 这个描述怎么能说明 在家吃饭清洁卫生？它从什么方面证明在家吃饭清洁卫生？在家吃饭是不是就一定使用个人餐具？个人餐具是不是一定就能保证吃饭清洁卫生？你需要注意的是，这整个逻辑有没有问题？有没有漏掉真正的要点 - 比如，其实是餐具清洁才能保证吃饭清洁，而餐具个人使用可以在某种程度上比去饭店吃更有 餐具是清洁的 保障？把这个论点论据用各种方式倒反过来说的时候还能不能成立？饭店有虫这个论证同理。养成从多个角度检查作文逻辑的习惯，才能让你的逻辑简单、严密且一针见血。如果你只是想到任何有关的东西就写下来，自然就会造成无法聚焦的现象，因为你自己一开始就没有围绕着你的逻辑论述来思考。

iamericaUID：2574142

哇！
楼上的好详细~
敬佩

水樱樱木UID：2342479

谢谢mpromanus 了，贴的时候忘记把题目给贴过来了;d:
不过你那么聪明肯定能猜到了，呵呵
十分感激能在这么短的时间内给我修改，:) :handshake
billions of thanks:)