第一次发作文，请大家修改，感谢~

lewinskyUID: 2479218

Recently an increasing number of parents, in the belief that playing computer games is harmful to children's emotional development and physical health, enforce their children to study instead of playing computer games. Some parents may even regard the computer games as killers to yongsters. Reasonable this statement might be, it is far from thoroughly consideration.
   Admittedly, playing computer games benefit children in some ways. As we know, most On-line games depend on team work which cultivate the children's spiritual of team-working to some extent. Those who play computer games are more likely to understand how to cooperate with each other efficiently.At the same time, it is by playing computer games, yongsters learn ability to encounter the difficulty by their own as well. However, tempting as such claim might be, it is absolutely be examined from different angles.
   Undoubtedly, computer games do have a adverse influence on children's emotional personality. Psychology studies have shown us that children who are addicted to computer games tend to be more disobedient or somewhat psychological displacement. It is the common phenomenon that a stagger increase in the number of yongsters skip classes due to the attraction of computer games. All too often we observe that children are indifferent to their family members, and even worse, they may make a argument with their parents after spending long hours on computer games. How can it be reasonable to allow children to play computer games?
   Apart from the hardship as to psychological problem, modern youngsters are suffering from all kinds of physical health. Obviously, sitting in front of computer screen might give rise to short sight and other disease. For supporting examples, one need look no further than my brothers. All my brothers wear glasses when they are very young by virtue of playing computer games too much, what astonishing me is one of them even has disease which is related to backbone. From a recent statistics we can clearly see the increasing tendency of children's eyesight problems which most doctors attribute these to computer games. In this sense, who can take it for granted that children should be allowed to play computer games?
   To sum up, in spite if the computer games which indeed has brough children to the fatanstic world, we are obliged to be aware of the fact that the time of playing computer games should be control appropriately.

saavedroUID: 2423190

明天给你看吧，今天先睡了，楼主这么晚还在努力。 赞一个~！！

lewinskyUID: 2479218

看到各位前辈的文章，感触良多
    第一次发表，希望前辈狠批。。。。

lijr03UID: 2522963

同学是不是考过GRE, 呵呵。不过第一段最好把自己的观点明确说出来，个人拙见，呵呵。

one0509UID: 2598085

Recently an increasing number of parents, in the belief (好像用分词更地道一点believing)that playing computer games is harmful to children's emotional development and physical health, enforce their children to study instead of playing computer games. Some parents may even regard the computer games as killers to yongsters. Reasonable this statement might be, it is far from thoroughly consideration.（这句我米看懂，囧……）
Admittedly, playing computer games benefit children in some ways. As we know, most On-line games depend on team work which cultivate the children's spiritual（应该是名词spirit) of team-working to some extent. Those who play computer games are more likely to understand how to cooperate with each other efficiently.At the same time, it is by playing computer games, yongsters learn (用gain 更地道一点八）ability to encounter the difficulty by their own as well. However, tempting as such claim might be, it is absolutely be examined from different angles.
Undoubtedly, computer games do have a adverse influence on children's emotional personality. Psychology studies have shown us that children who are addicted to computer games tend to be more disobedient or somewhat psychological displacement. It is the common phenomenon that a stagger increase in the number of yongsters skip classes due to the attraction of computer games. All too often we observe that children are indifferent to their family members, and even worse, they may make a argument with their parents after spending long hours on computer games. How can it be reasonable to allow children to play computer games? Apart from the hardship as to psychological problem, modern youngsters are suffering from all kinds of physical health. Obviously, sitting in front of computer screen might give rise to short sight and other disease. For supporting examples, one need look no further than my brothers. All my brothers wear glasses when they are very young by virtue （这词褒义的八，用这里好吗）of playing computer games too much, what astonishing me is one of them even has disease which is related to backbone. From a recent statistics we can clearly see the increasing tendency of children's eyesight problems which most doctors attribute these to computer games. In this sense, who can take it for granted that children should be allowed to play computer games? To sum up, in spite if the computer games which indeed has brough children to the fatanstic world, we are obliged to be aware of the fact that the time of playing computer games should be control appropriately.

感觉你的作文水平应该还是很高的，句法和词汇都很丰富，而且例证也很足。小菜鸟我几乎没有什么可以下手的地方……向你学习！
不过感觉确实像楼上某位说的，没有开门见山。读起来有点一头雾水，最后以一句才知道你的观点是什么

天泽UID: 2340391

Recently an increasing number of parents, in the belief that playing computer games is harmful to children's emotional development and physical health, (enforce)force(enforce后接名词作宾语表示强制执行该名词或强制执行成该名词状态，不加不定式做补足语) their children to study instead of playing computer games. Some parents may even regard the computer games as killers to (yongsters)youngster. Reasonable as(as 引导让步状语从句) this statement might be, it is far from thoroughly (consideration)considered.

Admittedly, playing computer games benefit children in some ways. As we know, (most On-line games depend on team work which cultivate the children's spiritual of team-working to some extent)most on-line games, to some extent, will improve the children’s spirit of team work(cultivate这个词比较大，一般用于陶冶情操耕耘土地什么的). Those who play computer games are more likely to understand how to cooperate with each other efficiently. (At the same time, it is by playing computer games, yongsters learn ability to encounter the difficulty by their own as well)Meanwhile, through computer games, youngsters learn ability to overcome the difficulties on their own(encounter指遇到，这里意思应为克服). (However, tempting as such claim might be, it is absolutely be examined from different angles.)Tempting as such claim might be, however, it absolutely should be examined from different angles.

Undoubtedly, computer games do have (a adverse influence)some negative influences(adverse不能用在人身上，个人觉得negative好一些） on children's (emotional personality)personalities. (Psychology)Psychological studies have shown us that the children who are addicted to computer games tend to be more disobedient or somewhat (psychological displacement)psychologically disordered. It is (the)a common phenomenon that (a stagger increase in the number of yongsters skip classes)(stagger 如果做主语increase应该为increases;stagger如果修饰increase那么该句子没有谓语，没有理解这个句子的意思) due to the attraction of computer games. All too often we observe that after spending long hours on computer games some children are indifferent to their family members, (and)(删掉) even worse, they may (make a argument with)be engaged an argument with their parents (after spending long hours on computer games). (How can it be reasonable to allow children to play computer games?)(删掉)

Apart from the (hardship as to)(删掉) psychological problem, modern youngsters are suffering from (all)different kinds of physical health problems. Obviously, sitting in front of computer screen might give rise to short sight and (other disease)some other diseases. (For supporting examples)For example, one (need)needs look no further than my brothers. All my brothers (wear glasses when they are)have worn glasses since they were very young (by virtue of)for the reason of(by virtue of指一种准则上的根据，感觉这里大词小用了） playing computer games too much, (what astonishing me is)and it is astonishing that one of them even has disease (which is related to backbone)in the backbone. From a recent statistics we can clearly see the increasing tendency of children's eyesight problems which most doctors attribute (these)(删掉) to computer games. (In this sense, who can take it for granted that children should be allowed to play computer games?)(删掉)

To sum up, (in spite if the computer games which indeed has brough children to the fatanstic world)in spite of the fact that some computer games can bring the children to the fantastic world, we are obliged to be aware of the fact that the time (of)on playing computer games should be (control)controlled appropriately.

天泽UID: 2340391

1 youngster 这个词范围太大，从小孩到青年，也可以包括幼崽，个人觉得就用题目中的children好一些。
2 个人觉得尽量少用表示强烈的主观情绪的词汇及句式，也少用如absolutely之类的比较绝对的词汇会好一些。
3改的挺多的呵~如有改错的地方一起讨论学习呵~+U

lewinskyUID: 2479218

感谢楼上认真的修改，学习ing...
    共同努力！