argument163 8月9号

cranlipUID：2123168

Argument163  第10篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：Francine     共用时间：42分8秒     630words
从2005年7月9日16时59分到2005年7月9日17时36分
------题目------
The following is taken from the editorial section of the local newspaper in Rockingham.
'In order to save a considerable amount of money, Rockingham's century-old town hall should be torn down and replaced by the larger and more energy-efficient building that some citizens have proposed. The old town hall is too small to comfortably accommodate the number of people who are employed by the town. In addition, it is very costly to heat the old hall in winter and cool it in summer. The new, larger building would be more energy efficient, costing less per square foot to heat and cool than the old hall. Furthermore, it would be possible to rent out some of the space in the new building, thereby generating income for the town of Rockingham.'
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The author deduced that the a more energy-efficient building should replaced the R's century-old town hall to benefit from the generating income by the new building with the purpose of saving money. In order to bolster his assertion, he cited the evidences that the old is too small to accommodate enough persons, and it is very costly to heat in winter and cool in summer. Moreover, all the shortages of the old building could be compensated by the new one, and further, it may bring some rent income to increase the income. Although the assertion appeared convincing, there are some flaws which render the proposal as unpersuasive.

A threshold matter with the argument is that the author fails to provide the evidence that the money spent on building the new hall will be less than the money now spent on the energy. Although, the old hall is energy-wasting, it is always running to make enough money for the development of the town, and the government keeps receiving the revenues by the tax offered by the town. Apparently, it is one of the most important way for the government to increase money. On the other hand, tearing down one of the building and building another one is not easy task as we imagine, because it needs quite a lot of money and labor forces. Thus, without the evidence to prove the demand of the new hall, the assertion is out of hands.

Second problem matter concerning the argument is that even assuming the cost expend on the new building will be less than the cost of energy, the author failed to provide us to convince the new hall will keep earn profit rather than be debt. Although the hall could  not satisfy the demand of the persons who would like to live in, while after the building of the new hall, the demand of accommodate is not as large as used to be. Possibly, the building cost too much time to build, while the persons who are ever eager to live in have already find certain places to live in. Another possibility is that the persons could not afford such a high of cost for living. Even more possibility is that the people do not like the new atmosphere of the hall, but prefer to the old one.

Third problem with the argument is that the no evidences supplied by the author to justify the new building will be effective of reducing energy. As is known to all, the less energy equipment require quite a amount of the money, while, at this time, the government attempts to save money, so they will not like to spend money on improve the energy handling system. Probably, there are no energy saving equipments in the new building, and the cost will be as high as it used to.

Last problem concerning the argument is that the author failed to provide evidences to convince that some of the space could be rent to increase the income for the government. Nor was we informed that there would be the demand of renting the space after the building of the new hall. Without evidences, this deduction seemed to be unsubstantial.

In sum, the argument appeared unconvincing to us. To strengthen the conclusion of the author, he should provide evidence that the new building will be earn money as soon as possible and could be able to compensate the cost of building. Then, the author should convince us that people remain prefer to live in the new hall and the demand will not decline. Then, the new hall will save energy as it actually install the energy-saving equipment. Finally, the evidence that there are demands of renting the space actually exist in the town should be provided also.

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-8-9 at 23:42 ]

sebarinaUID：2108158

The author deduced that the a more energy-efficient building should replaced should replacethe R's century-old town hall to benefit from the generating income by the new building with the purpose of saving money. In order to bolster his assertion, he cited the evidences that the old is too small to accommodate enough persons, and it is very costly to heat in winter and cool in summer.这个比较细节~是不是可以缩写下？ Moreover, in sumall the shortages of the old building could be compensated by the new one, and further, it may bring some rent income to increase the income. Although the assertion appeared这又是时态前后不一致 convincing, there are some flaws which render the proposal as unpersuasive.

A threshold matter with the argument is that the author fails to provide the evidence that the money spent on building the new hall will be less than the money now spent on the energy.这个我倒是没有想过 Although, the old hall is energy-wasting, it is always running to make这个句子重新说吧~写的不好 enough money for the development of the town, and the government keeps receiving the revenues by the tax offered by the town. Apparently, it is one of the most important way for the government to increase money. On the other hand, tearing down one of the building and building这么说不清晰改一下吧 another one is not easy task as we imagine, because it needs quite a lot of money and labor forces. Thus, without the evidence to prove the demand of the new hall, the assertion is out of hands.你这一段没有将两个比较阿

Second problem matter concerning the argument is that even assuming the cost expend on the new building will be less than the cost of energy, 承接的不错但是呢明显太罗嗦了the author failed to provide us to convince这个句子也要重写 the new hall will keep earn profit rather than be debt. Although the hall could  not satisfy the demand of the persons who would like to live in, while after the building of the new hall, the demand of accommodate is not as large as used to be. Possibly, the building cost too much time to build, while the persons who are ever eager to live in have already find certain places to live in. 这个我没有喜爱想到~恩不错Another possibility is that the persons could not afford such a high of cost for living. Even more possibility is that the people do not like the new atmosphere of the hall, but prefer to the old one.这个假设也比较合理

AThird problem with the argument is that the no evidences supplied by the author to justify the new building will be effective of reducing energy.入手点最好在减少开支 As is known to all, the less energy equipment requires quite a amount of the money, while, at this time, the government attempts to save money, so they will not like to spend money on improve the energy handling system. Probably, there are no energy saving equipments in the new building, and the cost will be as high as it used to.

Last problem concerning the argument is that the author failed to provide evidences to convince that some of the space could be rent to increase the income for the government. Nor was你的时态真是变化快，可能因用时用过去时评述用现在是没有问题，但是考试很可能弄错建议都用一般现在时 we informed that there would be the demand of renting the space after the building of the new hall. Without evidences, this deduction seemed to be unsubstantial.

In sum, the argument appeared unconvincing to us. To strengthen the conclusion of the author, he or sheshould provide evidence that the new building will be earn money as soon as possible and could be able to compensate the cost of building. Then, the author should convince us that people remain prefer to live in the new hall and the demand will not decline. Then, the new hall will save energy as it actually install the energy-saving equipment. Finally, the evidence that there are demands of renting the space actually exist in the town should be provided also.

写的有点多了~而且开头结尾过于复杂~精简点比较好~另外你和我一开始一样喜欢用大长句，从句套来套取~一方面容易出错~另一方面阻碍理解

sebarinaUID：2108158

其实可能还有其他的错误，但是你的句子太复杂了~我都看不出来了……