argument73 同主题写作 jingjing临考互拍！^_^

jingjingtousUID: 2164820

TOPIC: ARGUMENT73 - The following appeared in a memo from a manager of a car dealership.

"Ten years ago, long-term car leasing became available in our country of Mohilia as an alternative to outright car ownership, and leasing has steadily risen in popularity. For each of the last five years, the number of people leasing new cars has surpassed the number buying new cars. The average age of cars driven in Mohilia is six years; hence, if new car leases again outnumber purchases this year, it is likely that the majority of drivers will be driving leased, not individually owned, cars. Therefore, we should change the focus of our business from selling cars to leasing them."

This article has been revised for one time, hope the same thing will happen to it in innumerous time.

提纲：
1 租新车的人比买新车的多不代表整个租车比买车多，因而不能说租比买更流行
2 错误因果：汽车的使用寿命与今年大部分司机将开租的车没有直接因果关系。
3 战略的转变面临着各种各样的风险，可能会导致失败。

Prior to accepting the author's recommendation that the company should shift its focus from selling cars to leasing them, I find the argument is not sufficiently supported by the evidence given. The author seems to unduly rely on the dubious assumptions and that draw a conclusion that is fundamentally gratuitous.

To begin with, the author unfairly assumes that in the last ten years, the car leases became more popular than car purchases by citing the fact that each of the last five years, the number of people leasing new cars exceeded that of buying new ones. Primarily, the number of people leasing or buying new cars is not equivalent to  the numer of cars which have been rented or sold. There is a possibility that one person possessed/brough three or four cars while another could only afford a secondhand one. Thus, merely depending on this fact, the author cannot convince us that car leasing are more popular than car purchasing. Otherwise, the author obviously overlooks the used-car leasing and selling. It is highly possible that the amount of new car purchases significantly excelled that of used-car leases. Thus, the total amount of car purchases will be far more than that of car leases, if this is the case, then it will certainly serve to undermine the author's conclusion that car leasing are more popular than car purchasing during the last years.

In addition, the author fails to establish the causal relationship between the average longevity of cars and the fact that majority of drivers will driving leased cars rather than individually own ones. It is entirely possible that most of new cars were purchased in the last year; as a consequence, they can be used for a long period of time without being replaced for new ones. Therefore, the author's prerequisite that the new car leases would again outnumber purchases this year is completely ridiculous. Meanwhile, even assuming that most of the cars were brought five years ago and they all need to be abandoned in this year, the author's assumption that the new cars leases would again surpass cars purchase still begs the question: is it the truth all the old car owner could choose to lease a new car without the consideration of buying a new one or a secondhand one? Thus, the author's assumption which clings tenaciously to the longevity of cars is thoroughly groundless.

Finally, the feasibility of the measure/strategy is open to doubt. Primarily, without any concrete analysis of the car market including the analysis of the demand and supply of new cars or old ones, the propensity of purchasing or leasing by the customers, the decision by transforming the company's attention from the car selling to the car leasing undertakes various risks. It means the operation, management, services and customers of the company will experience a thorough change. Furthermore, without considering the probably disadvantages which the strategical revolution would bring, for example, the burden of its finance, the loss of it previous customers and most importantly-the decline of its profits, the author's strategical utterance may lead to a forfeit of the company eventually. Therefore, the measure by the author should be carefully examined before we accept it.

In sum, the argument is problematic in several aspects as discussed above. To bolster it, the author should provide clear evidence that car leases will certainly be overwhelmingly welcomed by people in Mohilia and this tendency would be lasting for a long time. Furthermore, to further improve it, the author should conduct a sufficient survey among the car buyers or leasers or make concrete and complete marketing analysis before answering the question: why the company can earn more profits by shifting its spotlight to the cars-selling business?

[ 本帖最后由 jingjingtous 于 2006-2-10 21:49 编辑 ]

@amy@UID: 209096

嘿嘿，jingjing要被斑斑说：“同学，注意发贴格式啦~~”  ^_^

staralwaysUID: 193479

原帖由 @amy@ 于 2006-2-10 21:26 发表
嘿嘿，jingjing要被斑斑说：“同学，注意发贴格式啦~~”  ^_^

我直接改掉了……

谢谢楼上的主动帮忙提醒，也谢谢楼主以后发贴时的配合。:D

jingjingtousUID: 2164820

原帖由 staralways 于 2006-2-10 21:33 发表


我直接改掉了……

谢谢楼上的主动帮忙提醒，也谢谢楼主以后发贴时的配合。:D

谢谢amy  和版主，我以后不会高错了

kito9695UID: 209685

唔~~看到斑斑的ID,我还以为jingjingtous的文章有斑斑改啦，每想到...
;P生活太郁闷，小声笑一下~~~

leedgenUID: 160823

我也来凑热闹，来改今天同主题的第三篇

jingjingtousUID: 2164820

原帖由 kito9695 于 2006-2-10 21:35 发表
唔~~看到斑斑的ID,我还以为jingjingtous的文章有斑斑改啦，每想到...
;P生活太郁闷，小声笑一下~~~

呵呵，有版主的提醒我已经很满足了，小别，你就别刺激我了，难道我今天还不够掺吗？－－－－《唐伯虎点小别》^_^

jingjingtousUID: 2164820

1 There is a possibility that one person possessed/brough[brought] three or four cars while another could only afford a secondhand one.[看不明白这句话在这里有什么用途？]
我想说的是因为一个人可以买几部车而另一个只能租一部，所以租车的人多不代表被租的车多，看来没有表达清楚
2 Furthermore, to further [有了这个further，前面那个furthermore是不是不要了，有点过了
还好你提醒，不然我掺了，非常感谢！
3 the author should conduct a sufficient survey among the car buyers or leasers or make concrete and complete marketing analysis before answering the questionwhy[应该是whether吧？]
这里我是基于作者做了充分调查和市场分析基础上说的，所以我认为这个问题应该是站在作者的立场上的，所以觉得why要好些，呵呵

非常感谢leedgen的修改！

果小冻UID: 208370

take seat first
sorry, i am too tired
tomorrow i will come here

PsychocandyUID: 171159

我也来同主题修改.


TOPIC: ARGUMENT73 - The following appeared in a memo from a manager of a car dealership.

"Ten years ago, long-term car leasing became available in our country of Mohilia as an alternative to outright car ownership, and leasing has steadily risen in popularity. For each of the last five years, the number of people leasing new cars has surpassed the number buying new cars. The average age of cars driven in Mohilia is six years; hence, if new car leases again outnumber purchases this year, it is likely that the majority of drivers will be driving leased, not individually owned, cars. Therefore, we should change the focus of our business from selling cars to leasing them."

This article has been revised for one time, hope the same thing will happen to it in innumerous time.

提纲：
1 租新车的人比买新车的多不代表整个租车比买车多，因而不能说租比买更流行
2 错误因果：汽车的使用寿命与今年大部分司机将开租的车没有直接因果关系。
3 战略的转变面临着各种各样的风险，可能会导致失败。

Prior to accepting the author's recommendation that the company should shift its focus from selling cars to leasing them, I find the argument is not sufficiently supported by the evidence given. The author seems to unduly rely on the dubious assumptions and that draw a conclusion that is fundamentally gratuitous.（这句好象有毛病,楼主马虎了。如果that指author就说he/she draws…）

To begin with, the author unfairly assumes that in the last ten years, the car leases became more popular than car purchases by citing the fact that each of the last five years, the number of people leasing new cars exceeded that of buying new ones. Primarily, the number of people leasing or buying new cars is not equivalent to  the numer of cars which have been rented or sold. There is a possibility that one person possessed/brough three or four cars while another could only afford a secondhand one. Thus, merely depending on this fact, the author cannot convince us that car leasing are more popular than car purchasing. Otherwise, the author obviously overlooks the used-car leasing and selling. It is highly possible that the amount of new car purchases significantly excelled that of used-car leases. Thus, the total amount of car purchases will be far more than that of car leases, if this is the case, then it will certainly serve to undermine the author's conclusion that car leasing are more popular than car purchasing during the last years.

In addition, the author fails to establish the causal relationship between the average longevity （文中说的是平均的age而不是寿命service life，age就是已经使用了多少年，而不是弃置不用的时候的年龄，按照文中说的街上跑的车的平均车龄是6岁，我们可以得出结论平均寿命肯定要比6年长，比如10 年或者更长，所以我们可以在这上面下文章，就是说大部分的车离被replace还远，其实楼主的论证方向也是车离被replace还远。）of cars and the fact that majority of drivers will（加be） driving leased cars rather than individually own ones. It is entirely possible that most of new cars were purchased in the last year（这个假设大部分车是去年买的稍微有点荒谬，实际上即便过去五年每年购买的车的量差不多(这也比较接近实际情况，那大部分车离报废甚至离平均的6岁的车龄也还远）; as a consequence, they can be used for a long period of time without being replaced for （for改by）new ones. Therefore, the author's prerequisite that the new car leases would again outnumber purchases this year is completely ridiculous. Meanwhile, even assuming that most of the cars were brought five years ago and they all need to be abandoned in this year, the author's assumption that the new cars leases would again surpass cars purchase still begs the question: is it the truth all the old car owner could choose to lease a new car without the consideration of buying a new one or a secondhand one? Thus, the author's assumption which clings tenaciously to the longevity of cars is thoroughly groundless.

Finally, the feasibility of the measure/strategy is open to doubt. Primarily, without any concrete analysis of the car market including the analysis of the demand and supply of new cars or old ones, the propensity of purchasing or leasing by the customers, the decision by（decision on transforming…或者to transform…更好） transforming the company's attention from the car selling to the car leasing undertakes various risks. It means the operation, management, services and customers of the company will experience a thorough change. Furthermore, without considering the probably（probable） disadvantages which the strategical revolution would bring, for example, the burden of its finance, the loss of it previous customers and most importantly-the decline of its profits, the author's strategical utterance may lead to a forfeit of the company eventually. Therefore, the measure（这里加个动词，比如proposed/introduced/suggested/put forward就更好了） by the author should be carefully examined before we accept it.

In sum, the argument is problematic in several aspects as discussed above. To bolster it, the author should provide clear evidence that car leases will certainly be overwhelmingly welcomed by people in Mohilia and this tendency would be lasting for a long time. Furthermore, to further improve it, the author should conduct a sufficient survey among the car buyers or leasers or make concrete and complete marketing analysis before answering the question: why the company can earn more profits by shifting its spotlight to the cars-selling business?

这是篇佳作啊。
我挑不出什么大问题。

[ 本帖最后由 Psychocandy 于 2006-2-11 02:04 编辑 ]

果小冻UID: 208370

argument73 同主题写作 jingjing临考互拍！^_^

TOPIC: ARGUMENT73 - The following appeared in a memo from a manager of a car dealership.

"Ten years ago, long-term car leasing became available in our country of Mohilia as an alternative to outright car ownership, and leasing has steadily risen in popularity. For each of the last five years, the number of people leasing new cars has surpassed the number buying new cars. The average age of cars driven in Mohilia is six years; hence, if new car leases again outnumber purchases this year, it is likely that the majority of drivers will be driving leased, not individually owned, cars. Therefore, we should change the focus of our business from selling cars to leasing them."

This article has been revised for one time, hope the same thing will happen to it in innumerous time.

提纲：
1 租新车的人比买新车的多不代表整个租车比买车多，因而不能说租比买更流行
2 错误因果：汽车的使用寿命与今年大部分司机将开租的车没有直接因果关系。
3 战略的转变面临着各种各样的风险，可能会导致失败。[jingjing的提纲又清晰又有条理。恩展示你严谨的思维。呵呵]

Prior to accepting the author's recommendation that the company should shift its focus from selling cars to leasing them, I find the argument is not sufficiently supported by the evidence given. The author seems to unduly rely on the dubious assumptions and that draw a conclusion that is fundamentally gratuitous.[开头是表明观点和指出错误的，恩，你做的很好。可是是否应该指出到底是哪边出了错呢？而不是用一些泛泛的语言呢，也就是说要体现的和别的文章不一样]

To begin with, the author unfairly assumes that in the last ten years, the car leases became more popular than car purchases by citing the fact that each of the last five years, the number of people leasing new cars exceeded that of buying new ones. [中心句是否应该简明一些呢？看这样可否？Just by comparing the number of people leasing cars and that of people buying new ones, the author unwarrantedly assumes the risen popularity of leasing cars.]Primarily, the number of people leasing or buying new cars is not equivalent to  the numer [number]of cars which have been rented or sold. There is a possibility that one person possessed/brough [？]three or four cars while another could only afford a secondhand one. Thus, merely depending on this fact, the author cannot convince us that car leasing are more popular than car purchasing. Otherwise, the author obviously overlooks the used-car leasing and selling. It is highly possible that the amount of new car purchases significantly excelled that of used-car leases.[这里不懂的说] Thus, the total amount of car purchases will be far more than that of car leases, if this is the case, then it will certainly serve to undermine the author's conclusion that car leasing are more popular than car purchasing during the last years.[这个段落和我的思维是完全不同滴，呵呵，我想的是，租的人多比买的人多不代表更受欢迎，因为可能是因为同一个人租几辆车造成的。然后那个二手车方面的论述，我看不懂]

In addition, the author fails to establish the causal relationship between the average longevity of cars and the fact that majority of drivers will driving leased cars rather than individually own ones. It is entirely possible that most of new cars were purchased in the last year; as a consequence, they can be used for a long period of time without being replaced for new ones. Therefore, the author's prerequisite that the new car leases would again outnumber purchases this year is completely ridiculous.[那这么说的话，人们同样不会买新的呀] Meanwhile, even assuming that most of the cars were brought five years ago and they all need to be abandoned in this year, the author's assumption that the new cars leases would again surpass cars purchase still begs the question: is it the truth all the old car owner could choose to lease a new car without the consideration of buying a new one or a secondhand one?[只有问句，没有回答削弱了你的论证。] Thus, the author's assumption which clings tenaciously to the longevity of cars is thoroughly groundless.[我还是觉得这个六年用在文里是用来做为一个周期的，也就是说用来推断以后的趋势的。你这么说，似乎站不住。比如，第一个可能性，如果他们是在去年买的，那为什么不会租呀，没有说理由。]

Finally, the feasibility of the measure/strategy is open to doubt. Primarily, without any concrete analysis of the car market including the analysis of the demand and supply of new cars or old ones, the propensity of purchasing or leasing by the customers, the decision by transforming the company's attention from the car selling to the car leasing undertakes various risks.[这个地方分析的不错] It means the operation, management, services and customers of the company will experience a thorough change. Furthermore, without considering the probably disadvantages which the strategical [？]revolution would bring, for example, the burden of its finance, the loss of it previous customers and most importantly-the decline of its profits, [这里是否应该说一下原因呢]the author's strategical utterance may lead to a forfeit of the company eventually. Therefore, the measure by the author should be carefully examined before we accept it.

In sum, the argument is problematic in several aspects as discussed above. To bolster it, the author should provide clear evidence that car leases will certainly be overwhelmingly welcomed by people in Mohilia and this tendency would be lasting for a long time. Furthermore, to further improve it, the author should conduct a sufficient survey among the car buyers or leasers or make concrete and complete marketing analysis before answering the question: why the company can earn more profits by shifting its spotlight to the cars-selling business?
[结尾是很明显的模板哦。呵呵]

小室黄瓜UID: 2155213

提纲：
1 租新车的人比买新车的多不代表整个租车比买车多，（与整个没关系吧？因该是以前现在和将来的问题吧？）因而不能说租比买更流行
2 错误因果：汽车的使用寿命与今年大部分司机将开租的车没有直接因果关系。
3 战略的转变面临着各种各样的风险，可能会导致失败。

Prior to accepting the author's recommendation that the company should shift its focus from selling cars to leasing them, I find the argument is not sufficiently supported by the evidence given. The author seems to unduly rely on the dubious assumptions and that draw a conclusion that is fundamentally gratuitous.（开头很好！）

To begin with, the author unfairly assumes that in the last ten years, the car leases became more popular than car purchases by citing the fact that each of the last five years, the number of people leasing new cars exceeded that of buying new ones. Primarily, the number of people leasing or buying new cars is not equivalent to  the numer of cars which have been rented or sold. There is a possibility that one person possessed/brough three or four cars while another could only afford a secondhand one.（二手车改成租来的车比较严密，租来的不是新的么？二手车不一定是租来的） Thus, merely depending on this fact, the author cannot convince us that car leasing are more popular than car purchasing. Otherwise, the author obviously overlooks the used-car leasing and selling. It is highly possible that the amount of new car purchases significantly excelled that of used-car leases. Thus, the total amount of car purchases will be far more than that of car leases,（新车购买会超过旧车租用，怎么没有给出原因啊？如果只是一种猜测，那不是跟原文作者一样没有说服力了么？） if this is the case, then it will certainly serve to undermine the author's conclusion that car leasing are more popular than car purchasing during the last years.

In addition, the author fails to establish the causal relationship between the average longevity of cars and the fact that majority of drivers will driving leased cars rather than individually own（ed） ones. It is entirely possible that most of new cars were purchased in the last year; as a consequence, they can be used for a long period of time without being replaced for new ones.（我觉得这个假设很牵强，要有具体的例子在说明就好了！） Therefore, the author's prerequisite that the new car leases would again outnumber purchases this year is completely ridiculous. Meanwhile, even assuming that most of the cars were brought five years ago and they all need to be abandoned（abandon 这个词用得不对，用deserted ） in this year, the author's assumption that the new cars leases would again surpass cars purchase still begs the question: is it the truth all the old car owner could choose to lease a new car without the consideration of buying a new one or a secondhand one? Thus, the author's assumption which clings tenaciously to the longevity of cars is thoroughly groundless. (结尾这个句子也不错)
Finally, the feasibility of the measure/strategy is open to doubt. Primarily, without any concrete analysis of the car market including the analysis of the demand and supply of new cars or old ones, the propensity of purchasing or leasing by the customers, the decision by transforming the company's attention from the car selling to the car leasing undertakes various risks. It means the operation, management, services and customers of the company will experience a thorough change. Furthermore, without considering the probably disadvantages which the strategical revolution would bring, for example, the burden of its finance, the loss of it previous customers and most importantly-the decline of its profits, the author's strategical utterance may lead to a forfeit of the company eventually. Therefore, the measure by the author should be carefully examined before we accept it.（这段论述乍一看好像有点跑题，但想原文没有提出只是要提高利润才这么做的，所以考虑这些方面是可以的，有新意也很周到）
In sum, the argument is problematic in several aspects as discussed above. To bolster it, the author should provide clear evidence that car leases will certainly be overwhelmingly welcomed by people in Mohilia and this tendency would be lasting for a long time. Furthermore, to further improve it, the author should conduct a sufficient survey among the car buyers or leasers or make concrete and complete marketing analysis before answering the question: why the company can earn more profits by shifting its spotlight to the cars-selling business?
Jingjing的
长句子用得很多，写得也很好，但是除了论证部分的第三段，都有点总结性语句稍多的毛病。总的来说角度还是很有新意的，感觉写得已经很成熟了，就在具体例子的论证充实上在改进就好吧。我进步的慢，还在学习中，有错的地方，就请直接批评！！
快考试了一定很忙，楼主有时间的话，就帮我看看我的分析的顺序吧！！我真的很认真地写的！！

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1

[ 本帖最后由 小室黄瓜 于 2006-2-11 21:15 编辑 ]

yogurt4UID: 198389

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1

9floor


这个帖子好热啊,HOHO
11楼的同学的修改他也写到同主题去了,还没完全看明白,再研究下