Argument53 [飞行部落第四次作业] 同题写作

缪斯之心UID: 2204338

题目：ARGUMENT53 - Thirteen years ago, researchers studied a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli such as an unusual odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice. They discovered that these infants were more likely than other infants to have been conceived in early autumn, a time when their mothers' production of melatonin-a hormone known to affect some brain functions-would naturally increase in response to decreased daylight. In a follow-up study conducted earlier this year, more than half of these children-now teenagers-who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy. Clearly, increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.
字数：417       用时：0:50:00          日期：2006-7-23

提纲：
1对25个样本观察，会不会太少？其次，这些孩子不一定有足够的代表性。可能有其他共同性。
2从后期实验中推导出婴儿会害羞是不科学的，也可能他们错误判断自己的情绪，也可能他们后天经历导致害羞。
3‘超过一半具体是多少？即使在正常人群中，也会有一半人认为自己害羞。如果是55%不能说明问题。
第一次开头结尾精简了一下，呵呵。不知道我的分析是不是不够深入。


This argument is well-presented, but not thoroughly well-reasoned. By the two study about a group of 25 infants who had showed signs of mild distress in 13 years, the argument that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life seems logical.

To begin with, the author provides no evidence that the study's results are statistically reliable. In order to establish a strong correlation between the shyness and the melatonin, the study's sample must be sufficient in size and representative of the overall population of infants. Lacking evidence of a sufficiently representative sample, the author cannot rely on it to draw any conclusion. Perhaps the infants all come from a peaceful country like Iceland. And there aren’t many plants which can give unusual odor.  As a result, they are all sensitive to the unknown voice and unusual odor. Perhaps there are similarities of these infants in other genetic conditions, health status, etc. The author fails to consider and rule out other factors like we discussed above that might account for the distress of the babies.

Even assuming the study is reliable enough, it is unwarranted to draw the conclusion that the shyness of the infants continues into later life. On one hand, can these teenagers, without professional knowledge of psychology identified themselves accurately? It is quite possible that they consider themselves shy only because it is the first time for them to fall in love in life. If so, the shyness is common for everyone, it is no relationship of the distress when they are infants. On the other hand, is the infant the only time which can cause shyness? Of course it is not. Another possibility is that the shyness was caused by their later experiences, such as unsuccessful communication with parents and friends, or failures in school.

Finally, the arguer failed to provide any information concerning the number" more than half". 55% and 80% are certainly different. Common sense tells us that the about half of ordinary people think they are shy, even some actors and singers. The arguer assumes that what is true of human being as a whole as the result of melatonin. Unless the author can provide more convincing evidence, there is a good chance that the study of the teenagers is doubtful.

Before conclusion about a causal relationship about melatonin and the shyness, a more complete study is needed. After all, the result of the study is invalid and probably misleading.

[ 本帖最后由 缪斯之心 于 2006-7-24 01:08 编辑 ]

缪斯之心UID: 2204338

The arguer suprisingly (surprisingly 这个R很容易忘的) deduces the conclusion that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life. This conclusion seems to me, is a whole ramshackle one need (needed) to be remexamined.(reexamexamined) （开头很简洁，小心小错误啊）

To begin with, the research made 13 years ago is not so cogent（感觉用cogent enough比较好，TS很不错，学习。。）. We only know 25 infants participant the research. In fact, the sample size is so small that it is hardly represent the whole infant situation, which is open to doubt.  Also(用个even more, meanwhile, in a not dissimilar way之类的，also 太简单啦), little is known about the information about 25 infants such as healthy condition, race or gender. Perhaps 25 infants are come from the same region, and(应该不是想说这两种情况同时发生吧，可以用or perhaps) (a) majority of (their) parents have drug abuse history. As a result, all infants are in vulnerable healthy condition, most infants showed distressed when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli, due to their poor health rather than they were shy during infancy. More information we need know about the specific implement of the research should be given.(这段感觉是说了三个方面，1样本太少，2其他情况不明，3倒数第二句好象又把矛头指向了害羞和紧张不同，我说不清楚可不可以这么写，咱们再讨论下吧)

In addition, the shyness during infancy does not necessarily caused by melatonin. As the arguer suggests, melatonia is a hormone known to affect some brain functions. However, the arguer do not mention what exactly melatonia impact（impacts） on. Does the hormone work on the mother's brain(要表达这个意思，应该加个only)? Then the hormone is nothing to do with the infant, let alone make infant shy. Another point is the aruger （auger）fails to take into accounts some other alternatives such as the deficiency of DNA, some other medicine or alternative hormones. It is highly possible that those infant happen to be have a (an) infection, and their mother give infants some antibiotics which contain some element make infant shy. Simply put, To (to) bolster melantonin cause infant shy, we need more direct evidence concerning the effect of  melatonia.(这段总结的很好，就是第一点攻击的还该修正)

Finally, even if melatonin could make infant（infants） shy, we hardly safely arrive such a conclusion that this shyness would continues (continue) into people's later life. The form of characteristic ascribes to many factors, say, individual's education background, personal experience. Perhaps, those children are deprived of the opportunities of education, then one decent job, good living condition seems to them is beyond imagination. So shyness is inevitable in their unique’s (unique) personality. （你是想说失去这些让他们害羞吗？感觉太含蓄了，先要从上不了学校推到人生不成功，又推到自卑，又到害羞，有点鸡蛋挑骨头了，呵呵。只是我觉得能用更直接的更好）So It is too presumptuous to say shyness are totally due to one hormone. Furthermore, the research merely mentions that more than half of these teenagers show shyness. How many teenagers exactly? Perhaps only 13 （teenagers去掉更好）. If so, we could not hasitately （hesitantly?）concede the study participants are more likely to be shy when they are teenagers. Then we have the justification to doubt the effect of melatonin on teenagers.


To sum up, starting from the ridiculous basement to the final fallacious recommendation, the argument treat the gross deduction progress, which is hardly persuade those who sway by the argument. Most people would not accept the arguer on the relationship between melatonin and shyness, after all it is more sensible than arguer suggests.(结尾很新的，赞，不过你可以也提点建议的，我觉得范文是有提的)

总体来说文章很清楚，流畅，模版痕迹也很淡，如果小错误少，至少5分。
来的有点晚，谢谢你的批改，RP不错啊。加油