Issue48 【07-10G 梦开始的地方】 第2次作文 by qiushuhao999

qiushuhao999UID: 2355201

Issue48 【07-10G 梦开始的地方】 第2次作文 by qiushuhao999


48. "The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."
提纲：平衡观点
   1.历史是由人民创造的；
      2.对于历史的研究并没有太过强调个人；
      3.少部分人同样对历史有作用。
      Word：about 342      Time：55 mins
The author's idea can be divided into three parts. The first one is history study pays too much attention to individuals. The second is history is created by common people. The third is the most famous things were not created by the few but by lots of people.
I strongly support the idea that history is created by common people. As we know, history is made up of lots of events including famous and infamous. People who participate in these events are mostly common people.
However, I do not agree that history study has paid too much concern on individuals. In history study, we are not going to study all events that happened in history. Our time and energy do not permit us to do so. We only have to pick up something important and famous. In these events, famous people have certain effects on the results. Thus we pay attention to them but not the groups of people who have a little use in the event.
To my knowledge, the most famous things were not only created by the majority but also by the few. Further more, I am going to say the few has some irreplaceable effects in the history. Most of the time, they appear in the key time in the events and sometimes dramatically change the situation, like Winston Churchill in the World War 2. Though the British people have the virtues that Hitler's air force may not easily conquered, Churchill's speech and his deed disputably increased their morale. History is impossible to put Churchill in an inferior part. He dare to call on the people to fight. If he is absent and others may not place him, the victory that against the Hilter's air force may not occur or less well done.
Indeed, the study of history pays reasonable attention on individuals. The most significant events in the history were created by the few and lots of people. The former has an irreplaceable influence in the events.
我是很不会写ISSUE的，基本是门外汉，修改时候如发现观点上的错误及各方面的请多多指出，谢谢了。

[ 本帖最后由 qiushuhao999 于 2007-6-28 11:43 编辑 ]

jake23UID: 2203136

The author's idea can be divided into three parts.： The first one is（1）that history study pays too much attention to individuals. The second is（2）that history is created by common people. The third is and（3）that the most famous things were not created by the few but by lots of people.

I strongly support  the idea that（可试试Admittedly,）history is created by common people (in some sense). As we know, history is made up of lots of events including famous and infamous. People who participate in these events are mostly common people. ( 两个people 重复了，可换其它表同意的词)

However, I do not agree that （此处的I agree that可换为 “in my view bla bla goes too far in suggest that”以使句子更加多样性） history study has paid too much concern on individuals. In history study, we are not going to study all events that happened in history. Our time and energy do not permit us to do so. (Our time and energy does not permit us to study all events that happened in history.)We only have to pick up something important and famous. In these events, famous people have certain effects on the results. Thus we pay attention to them but not the groups of people who have a little use （此处是否会与你第二段度观点矛盾？）in the event.

To my knowledge, the most famous things were not only created by the majority but also by the few. Further more, I am going to say the few has some irreplaceable effects in the history. Most of the time, they appear in the key time in the events and sometimes dramatically change the situation, like Winston Churchill in the World War 2. Though the British people have the virtues that Hitler's air force may not easily conquered, Churchill's speech and his deed disputably increased their morale. History is impossible to put Churchill in an inferior part. He dare (dared) to call on the people to fight. If he is absent and others may not place him, the victory that against the Hilter's air force may not occur or less well done.

Indeed, the study of history pays reasonable attention on individuals. The most significant events in the history were created by the few and lots of people. The former has an irreplaceable influence in the events.

一些建议：
1，        每两段中间请空出一行
2，        开头处可以加入自己后面正反观点的简单概括，这样就会使开头显得更加丰满些，也会使字数很容易就多增加一些
3，        主体段的第一段让步的部分太少了，应多增加些例证或者是逻辑论证，否则显得让步让的很没有诚意
4，        结尾感觉有些单薄可以再加强一些
5，        第一段介绍作者观点时可以使用阿拉伯数字使篇章更清爽有力，但是使用这种方法引出观点要小心，如果对题目观点分析不到位时，很容易弄巧成拙。
6，        语言上一些使用频率高的词汇可以多找表示相同意义的词汇进行替换
7，        某些单句可以合成为一个复杂句，这样就会使得你的文章句型上更加多样化

另：
我也不是什么牛人，所以可能给你改过的地方也有很多不恰当之处，请多多见谅。（而且用word编辑过的地方在这里就完全显示不出来了，郁闷~）

而你初次写可以写出此篇文章的水准真的非常的不错！0710G加油！：）

共勉之！！！

qiushuhao999UID: 2355201

第三段我的意思是a little use,即是nameless people的作用不如famous的影响那么大.

mengzhou1110UID: 2346172

提纲：平衡观点   1.历史是由人民创造的；      2.对于历史的研究并没有太过强调个人；      3.少部分人同样对历史有作用。（把第二点和第三点换一下顺序比较好）
The author's idea can be divided into three parts. The first one is history study pays too much attention to individuals. The second is history is created by common people. The third is the most famous things were not created by the few but by（BY可以不要） lots of people. （第三点有些重复罗嗦）
（作者第一段概括了题目的三层意思，但是句式变换太少，有些单调，同时，作者没有在第一段摆出自己的观点，没有开门见山）I strongly support the idea that history is created by common people. As we know, history is made up of lots of events including famous and infamous（可以换一种表达，有点生硬）. People who participate（INVOLVED更好吧） in these events are mostly common people.
作者在第二段应该举出例子来证明历史是由人民创造的，并且再详细说明人民的作用。However, I do not agree that history study has paid too much concern on individuals. （应该前面加点让步的句子，要不过渡不自然。）In history study, we are not going to study all events that happened in history. Our time and energy do not permit us to do so. We only have to pick up something important and famous. In these （SIGNIFICANT）events, famous people have certain effects on the results（换个说话，是这些英雄推动了有历史意义的事件的发展，更加清楚些）. Thus we pay attention（第一段已经用过，可换另外的词） to them but not the groups of people who have a little use in the event. To my knowledge（AS FAR AS I KNOW更好）, the most famous things were not only created by the majority but also by the few（使用EVERN IF更好）. Further more, I am going to say the few has some irreplaceable effects in（ON） the history. Most of the time, they appear（APPERED） in the key time in the events and sometimes dramatically change the situation, like Winston Churchill in the World War 2. Though the British people have the virtues that Hitler's air force may not easily conquered, Churchill's speech and his deed disputably increased their morale. History is impossible to put Churchill in an inferior part. He dare to call on the people to fight. If he is absent and others may not place him, the victory that against the Hilter's air force may not occur or less well done.Indeed, the study of history pays reasonable attention on individuals. The most significant events in the history were created （BOTH）by the few and lots of people. The former has an irreplaceable influence in the events.
建议:
1.开头复述题目不宜太多,最主要是摆出自己的观点
2.主体中,每段开头应该有些让步的句子,可以乘上启下的,要不过渡会显得生硬,并且感觉逻辑性不强.
3.句子形式应该多样些,长短结合!
4.写完后注意修改重复运用的词.要不会显得用词单调.
5.总体来说,观点还是比较清晰.

jake23UID: 2203136

原帖由 qiushuhao999 于 2007-6-30 15:20 发表
第三段我的意思是a little use,即是nameless people的作用不如famous的影响那么大.

呵呵，那样的话是不是应该用less use 之类的?