argument45 飞跃dreams第一次作业

yolanda419UID: 2420192

ARGUMENT45.The following appeared as an editorial in a wildlife journal.
         "Arctic deer live on islands in Canada's arctic region. They search for food by moving over ice from island to island during the course of a year. Their habitat is limited to areas warm enough to sustain the plants on which they feed, and cold enough, at least some of the year, for the ice to cover the sea separating the islands, allowing the deer to travel over it. Unfortunately, according to reports from local hunters, the deer populations are declining. Since these reports coincide with recent global warming trends that have caused the sea ice to melt, we can conclude that the decline in arctic deer populations is the result of deer being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea."
  
       字数: 551                完成时间: 1-26


    In this argument, the author made the conclusion that the decline in arctic deer populations is the result of deer being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea. To support this viewpoint, the author sited the arctic deer’s living style and the coincidence between recent global warming trends that caused the sea ice to melt and the decline in the arctic deer population. However, I find these evidences aren’t convincing enough to persuade me .
   First of all, the author said the deer populations are declining according to the report from local hunters. Is it sounded? As we didn’t know how many hunters have been asked to produce the report, it’s entirely possible that there were just two or three hunters said the deer populations are declining. Obviously, these two or three hunters coubldn’t make an exact report.What’s more, it’s very sujective to judge whether something is decreasing or not, one’s judgement  usually due to his or her own knomledge and experience
  On the assumption that the deer populations are really declining, there are many other reasons that can explain this phenomenonce.Maybe during these years, the hunters began to catch and kill more deers than ever, which directly cause the decrease in the arctic deer.It’s also possible that the plants on which the deer feed has reduced for being poluted or some other reasons. Another possibility is the poor breed of the arctic deer during recent years. It’s a pity that the author didn’t tell me any information about the possible causes above, so I didn’t know that if the author’s recommendation has exdude al the possibilities, no mention to believe his conclusion.
  Thirdly, global warming trends not only can cause the sea ice to melt, it also provice a wormer and easier enviroment for the plants on which the deers feed to grow. Therefore, the number of the deers is likely to increase but not decline as more plants are reproduced. So even though the report about deers decline coincide with recent global warming trends that have caused the sea ice to melt, we cann’t conclude that the decline in arctic deer populations is the result of deer being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea.
  Last but not the least, as the author tell me that the arctic deers search for food by moving over ice from island to island during the course of a year. Their habitat is limited to areas warm enough to sustain the plants on which they feed, and cold enough, at least some of the year, for the ice to cover the sea separating the islands, allowing the deer to travel over it. The subsistence of the arctic deers would be risky when the sea ice that is obsolutely necessarily in the their migration.
  In a word, the author’s conclusion relies on certain doubtful assumptions that render it unconvincing as it stands. To bolster the conclusion the author must provice clear informations about the numbers of the deers decline, the conditions that local hunters catch and kill deers, which area of sea ice has been melt, the traditional couse of the year the deers move and the condition of the plants’ growth. Only does the author provice these information, his conclusion is able to be convincing.

neomaverickUID: 2449179

In this argument, the author made（makes,范文中都是用现在时的，建议用现在时） the conclusion that the decline in arctic deer populations is the result of deer（deer’s） being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea. To support this viewpoint, the author sited(现在时，下面不再指出) the arctic deer’s living style and the coincidence between recent global warming trends that caused the sea ice to melt and the decline in the arctic deer population. （好累，建议看范文）However, I find these evidences aren’t convincing enough to persuade （删去persuade,多余）me .
   First of all, the author said the deer populations are declining according to the report from local hunters. （but）Is it sounded? As we didn’t know how many hunters have been asked to produce the report, it’s entirely possible that there were just two or three hunters said the deer populations are declining. (改成that only two or three hunters agree with the decline of deer populations) Obviously, these two or three hunters coubldn’t(拼错，请发表前用word差错，以下的拼写错误不再指出) make an exact report. What’s more, it’s very sujective to judge whether something is decreasing or not, （for）one’s judgement  (is) usually due to his or her own knomledge and experience.(最好讲下因此….，这样结构更紧密)
  On the assumption that the deer populations are really declining, there are many other reasons that can explain this phenomenonce. Maybe during these years, the hunters began to catch and kill more deers than ever, which directly cause the decrease in the arctic deer （population）.It’s also possible that the plants on which the deer feed has (been) reduced for being poluted (改成due to pollution) or some other reasons. Another possibility is （that）the poor breed of the arctic deer during recent years.(论据列出请一定要用一两句话分析，否则个人认为情况很严重) It’s a pity that the author didn’t tell me any information about the possible causes above, so I didn’t know that if the author’s recommendation has exdude al the possibilities, no mention to（not to mention） believe(believing) his conclusion.(上面的总结很chinglish，请作者参考范文的总结)
  Thirdly, global warming trends not only can（can not only） cause the sea ice to melt, it (删去it,加but) also provice a wormer and easier enviroment for the plants on which the deers feed to grow.（表达很糟，但是我也不知道如何表达） Therefore, the number of the deers is likely to increase but not（rather than） decline as more plants are reproduced. So even though the report about deers decline coincide with recent global warming trends that have caused the sea ice to melt, we cann’t conclude that the decline in arctic deer populations is the result of deer being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea.

  Last but not the least, as the author tell (tells)me that the arctic deers search for food by moving over ice from island to island during the course of a year. Their habitat is limited to areas warm enough to sustain the plants on which they feed, and cold enough, at least some of the year, for the ice to cover the sea separating the islands, allowing the deer to travel over it. The subsistence of the arctic deers would be risky when the sea ice that is obsolutely necessarily in the their migration.（您到底要说什么，抄了一大段，加一句评论）

  In a word, the author’s conclusion relies on certain doubtful assumptions that render it unconvincing as it stands. (此句废话，在首段写了就可以了)To bolster the conclusion the author must provice clear informations about the numbers of the deers decline, the conditions that local hunters catch and kill deers, which area of sea ice has been melt, the traditional couse of the year the deers move and the condition of the plants’ growth. Only does the author provice these information, his conclusion is able to be convincing.

最后一段按您的意思我表述如下
In a word, to bolster the conclusion the conclusion, the author must provide clear information about the severity of decline in deer population and average number of deer hunted by it enemies and human beings. To better evaluate the conclusion, I need more detaisl about the deer migration, plants growth, ice melting etc.

评价
1.        作者的语法错误非常多，可能是由两种原因引起的：1.作者英语功底比较差 2.作者在写完作文后没有看过哪怕是一遍。个人认为第2种原因可能比较大，因为很多拼写错误用word一查就能查的出来。从作者犯的一系列语法错误（时态，拼写，动词用法，从句。。）可以看出作者对待argument的态度。请作者一定要端正态度，不要有侥幸思想，交作业前一定要自己改过！这样可以节省大家的时间，把精力用来抓主要问题。
2.        作者的文章比较长，但是似乎都是四处拼起来的，对文中的错误把握也很是问题（ps,这篇文章我也不知道如何把握），很显然作者没有仔细研究过范文，只是摘录了几个漂亮句子，而在文章最后干脆连模板都不去摘了，让我实在很寒心。请作者从现在开始看范文，仔细的看仔细的总结。argument永远是逻辑大于语言。
3.        总之作者的逻辑和语言都存在比较大问题，这里不想再指出逻辑方面的问题，因为作者应该没有好好研究过argument的错误类型，这种功课还是要作者自己做的。
4.        我的话说的太重了，而且我也是个菜鸟。但是我实在觉得要提醒下作者，一定要端正态度，要有危机感，时间太紧了。另外，该作文是大家提高的途径，不要指望别人从帮你指出最低级的错误来教你怎么做，自己的事只能靠自己，同样是GTER，请珍惜别人的时间。希望作者在以后的日子里多加油。