argument59 同主题。互拍。连接。

果小冻UID: 208370

ARGUMENT 59
- The following appeared in an article in the health section of a newspaper.

"According to the available medical records, the six worst worldwide flu epidemics during the past 300 years occurred in 1729, 1830, 1918, 1957, 1968, and 1977. These were all years with heavy sunspot activity-that is, years when the Earth received significantly more solar energy than in normal years. People at particular risk for the flu should therefore avoid prolonged exposure to the Sun."
WORDS：418          TIME：0:30:00          DATE：2006-2-3

Based on several medical records, the author assumes a unwarranted relationship between solar energy and flu epidemics. Then, a suggestion relying on this assumption is given. However, lacking thoroughly analyzing, the author fails to provide sufficient evidence and results an unpersuasive suggestion.

To begin with, relied on the available records, the author should not conclude that there is surly a relationship between heavy sunspot activity and flu epidemics. First, whether all the years, which had flu epidemics, had been recorded or not is completely open to doubt. It is entirely possible that people did not realize the flu epidemic at that time since they could not communicate with people far from them easily, though most of people had already fallen ill. Perhaps these flu epidemics had no connection with sunspot activity at all. Second, the author fails to consider conditions of other years besides the six years. Maybe the sunspot activities in some years were far stronger than those in the years mentioned above. But yet, there were not flu epidemics in these years. In short, the author should give more information if he or she wants to reveal the relationship between sunspot activity and flu epidemics.

Furthermore, the author fails to consider other alternatives, which may answer for the flu epidemics, even if the relationship between sunspot activity and flu epidemics really exists. Perhaps there were serious infections in these years, and then resulted the flu epidemics. Or maybe the strong sunspot activity caused the frequent function of weather. As we all know, it is easier for people to get flu if the weather changes too much. Unless the author rules out all the possibilities above, he or she should not grant that solar energy is the reason for flu epidemics.

Moreover, the suggestion made by the author is rather confusing. First, who are particular people? The author should give clear and scientific definition, it he or she wants to get the most efficient result. Then, how long should not people exposure to the Sun? The author should provide the detailed number since people need to be given the most suitable suggestion. Also, the author fails to consider the positive effect of the Sunshine. In order to persuade us, the author should provide more information about the function of sunshine comprehensively.

In sum, the author should give more detailed and scientific evidence to reveal the relationship between the solar energy and flu before giving suggestion. Also, the author needs to consider other possibilities, which may cause flu.

我的马甲UID: 2177806

ARGUMENT 59
- The following appeared in an article in the health section of a newspaper.

"According to the available medical records, the six worst worldwide flu epidemics during the past 300 years occurred in 1729, 1830, 1918, 1957, 1968, and 1977. These were all years with heavy sunspot activity-that is, years when the Earth received significantly more solar energy than in normal years. People at particular risk for the flu should therefore avoid prolonged exposure to the Sun."
WORDS：418          TIME：0:30:00          DATE：2006-2-3

Based on several medical records, the author assumes a unwarranted relationship between solar energy and flu epidemics. Then, a suggestion relying on this assumption is given. However, lacking thoroughly analyzing, the author fails to provide sufficient evidence and results VI. an unpersuasive suggestion.

To begin with, relied用ING形式 on the available records, the author should not conclude that there is surly a CAUSAL relationship between heavy sunspot activity and flu epidemics. First, whether all the years, which had flu epidemics, had been recorded or not is completely open to doubt. It is entirely possible that people did not realize the flu epidemic at that time since they could not communicate with people far from them easily和前面的AT THAT TIME重复了 , though most of people had already fallen ill. Perhaps these flu epidemics had no connection with sunspot activity at all. Second, the author fails to consider conditions of other years besides the six years. Maybe the sunspot activities in some years were far stronger than those in the years mentioned above. But yet, there were not flu epidemics in these years. In short, the author should give more information if he or she wants to reveal the relationship between sunspot activity and flu epidemics.

Furthermore, the author fails to consider other alternatives, which may answer for the flu epidemics, even if the relationship between sunspot activity and flu epidemics really exists让步不如放在这句话的前半部 . Perhaps there were serious infections in these years, and then resulted the flu epidemics. Or maybe the strong sunspot activity caused the frequent function of weather. As we all know, it is easier for people to get flu if the weather changes too much. 对啊，这点我怎么没想到呢，黑子活动频繁的时候往往降水也比往年多。 Unless the author rules out all the possibilities above, he or she should not grant that solar energy is the reason for flu epidemics.

Moreover, the suggestion made by the author is rather confusing. First, who are particular people? The author should give clear and scientific definition, it 笔误 he or she wants to get the most efficient result. Then, how long should not people exposure to the Sun? The author should provide the detailed number since people need to be given the most suitable suggestion. Also, the author fails to consider the positive effect of the Sunshine. In order to persuade us, the author should provide more information about the function of sunshine comprehensively.

In sum, the author should give more detailed and scientific evidence to reveal the relationship between the solar energy and flu before giving suggestion. Also, the author needs to consider other possibilities, which may cause flu.

比我限时写的强多了，受教！
argument59
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... ge=1&highlight=

TonyDaisyUID: 2180082

ARGUMENT 59
- The following appeared in an article in the health section of a newspaper.

"According to the available medical records, the six worst worldwide flu epidemics during the past 300 years occurred in 1729, 1830, 1918, 1957, 1968, and 1977. These were all years with heavy sunspot activity-that is, years when the Earth received significantly more solar energy than in normal years. People at particular risk for the flu should therefore avoid prolonged exposure to the Sun."
WORDS：418          TIME：0:30:00          DATE：2006-2-3

Based on several medical records, the author assumes a unwarranted relationship between solar energy and flu epidemics. Then, a suggestion relying on this assumption is given. However, lacking thoroughly analyzing, the author fails to provide sufficient evidence and results an unpersuasive suggestion.
[前两句感觉不太好，没说清楚，应该是medical records relationship suggestion。调整一下顺序把这个表达清楚就好了]

To begin with, relied on the available records, [relied貌似不对哦 relying ] the author should not conclude that there is surly a relationship between heavy sunspot activity and flu epidemics. First, whether all the years, which had flu epidemics, [with flu epidemics貌似没必要用个定从吧] had been recorded or not is completely open to doubt. It is entirely possible that people did not realize the flu epidemic at that time since they could not communicate with people far from them easily, though most of people had already fallen ill. [关于资料不全，ID为“我的马甲”写得比较好，参考一下，我自己也是看了他的才恍然大悟…] Perhaps these flu epidemics had no connection with sunspot activity at all. Second, the author fails to consider conditions of other years besides the six years. Maybe the sunspot activities in some years were far stronger than those in the years mentioned above. But yet, there were not flu epidemics in these years. In short, the author should give more information if he or she wants to reveal the relationship between sunspot activity and flu epidemics.
[First后面那一点的TS不明确，看后面的内容是说资料不全，可最后又冒一句二者之间没有必然联系?看完才发现其实下面一段在详细分析二者没有因果联系是吧]


Furthermore, the author fails to consider other alternatives [感觉这个词不好，他因跟其他方案或选择还是蛮有差别的吧], which may answer for the flu epidemics, even if the relationship between sunspot activity and flu epidemics really exists. Perhaps there were serious infections in these years, and then resulted the flu epidemics. [这里需要细化，传染性强是因为什么呢？医疗条件差？大的战争？之类的，随便编一点] Or maybe the strong sunspot activity caused the frequent function [fluctuation波动？] of weather [temperatures气温波动吧?]. As we all know, it is easier for people to get flu if the weather changes too much. Unless the author rules out all the possibilities above, he or she should not grant that solar energy is the reason for flu epidemics.

Moreover, the suggestion made by the author is rather confusing. First, who are particular people? [换一个句型，总之这句读着就别扭] The author should give clear and scientific definition, it he or she wants to get the most efficient result. Then, how long should not people exposure to the Sun? The author should provide the detailed number since people need to be given the most suitable suggestion. Also, the author fails to consider the positive effect of the Sunshine. In order to persuade us, the author should provide more information about the function of sunshine comprehensively.
[这段感觉忽略很重要的一个方面，就是首先日晒与感冒的关系成不成立，如果像上文分析的压根不成立，这条建议就是多余；就算有关系，也未必是主要的关系，流感主要是人体质差和易传染而流行，所以建议少晒太阳还不如建议他们多参加锻炼提高身体免疫系统抵抗能力云云，关注气温变化提前做好准备，培养健康的生活习惯避免降低其传染性bla blab la…最后提高晒太阳的潜在好处不错，我没想到]

In sum, the author should give more detailed and scientific evidence to reveal the relationship between the solar energy and flu before giving suggestion. Also, the author needs to consider other possibilities, which may cause flu.
[这篇我写了2遍…还是觉得没写清楚…好寒哦，难道一个阿狗我都要写上3遍才行么？555…]

TonyDaisyUID: 2180082

哇，小小的人气真是  旺  哦，大家争先恐后来拍:D
呵呵~~~~

果小冻UID: 208370

谢谢大家。我限时写的。嘿嘿一定好好改。恩留下连接。一定回拍

宝贝小猪UID: 2135340

汗，小小啊
你好强……，嘿嘿

ferry1020UID: 198153

Based on several medical records, the author assumes a(an) unwarranted relationship between solar energy and flu epidemics. Then, a suggestion relying on this assumption is given. However, lacking thoroughly analyzing, the author fails to provide sufficient evidence and results an unpersuasive suggestion.(开头好像有点问题，我觉得应该传统点先写conclusion，然后列出evidence比较好吧)

To begin with, relied on the available records, the author should not conclude that there is surly a relationship between heavy sunspot activity and flu epidemics. First, whether all the years, which had flu epidemics, had been recorded or not is completely open to doubt. It is entirely possible that people did not realize the flu epidemic at that time since they could not communicate with people far from them easily, though most of people had already fallen ill. Perhaps these flu epidemics had no connection with sunspot activity at all. Second, the author fails to consider conditions of other years besides the six years. Maybe the sunspot activities in some years were far stronger than those in the years mentioned above. But yet（but和yet能一起用吗）, there were not flu epidemics in these years. In short, the author should give more information if he or she wants to reveal the relationship between sunspot activity and flu epidemics.

Furthermore, the author fails to consider other alternatives, which may answer for the flu epidemics, even if the relationship between sunspot activity and flu epidemics really exists. Perhaps there were serious infections in these years, and then resulted the flu epidemics. Or maybe the strong sunspot activity caused the frequent function of weather. As we all know, it is easier for people to get flu if the weather changes too much. Unless the author rules out all the possibilities above, he or she should not grant that solar energy is the reason for flu epidemics.

Moreover, the suggestion made by the author is rather confusing. First, who are particular people? The author should give clear and scientific definition, it he or she wants to get the most efficient result. Then, how long should not people exposure to the Sun? The author should provide the detailed number since people need to be given the most suitable suggestion. Also, the author fails to consider the positive effect of the Sunshine. In order to persuade us, the author should provide more information about the function of sunshine comprehensively.

In sum, the author should give more detailed and scientific evidence to reveal the relationship between the solar energy and flu before giving suggestion. Also, the author needs to consider other possibilities, which may cause flu.（结尾有还可以多写点，有点头重脚轻的感觉，如果时间不够也只能这样了）

感觉你得文章写得很流畅，用词也很恰当，不错！！
此乃本人第一次改别人的文章，改得不好请多多包容啊

ferry1020UID: 198153

我是用红色改的，怎么放上去就变成黑色了，请问怎么才能像楼上那样改颜色啊

ferry1020UID: 198153

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1
也请楼主看看我的，给点意见啊

yogurt4UID: 198389

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1

21floor

整体感觉还可以:)