5T同主题写作第1期topic5_by undoerlc_欢迎拍砖

undoerlcUID: 194641

写的第2篇TWE，同一主题第一篇，欢迎拍砖，很长时间没写作文了，写的好慢的说~，因为还要赶着去做语法，只经过了word检查，晚上再多改几遍
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(1hour 40mins; 518words)
5.A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.

My perspective:
赞成
1.让步写可能造成污染和房价下跌
2.支持：bring about job opportunities
3.支持：boosting the construction of public facilities near the community

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Companies which prefer to establishing a large factory near the communities must bear certain balance in their concerning. For the company which concern about both the interests of itself and of the community, I wholeheartedly welcome the establishment of its factory. There may be one or two disadvantages to this building agreement; however, I believe that there are far more advantages. The reasons for my perspectives go as follows.

First of all, some inferior disadvantages of allowing the factory to be built near the community include the negative influence of the factory to the living environment. For example, as we all know, the factory may generate noise contamination with its machine working on; it also may cause the pollution to the environment which we live in; moreover, various reports which cover the explosion and the fire accidents of the factory really make us anxious about the safety of both of our lives and our wealth. Another drawback of building the factory in our neighborhood includes the possibility of declination of the price of our real estate. Statistics collected by Shanghai social science institution in 2003 showed that 43.2% of communities suffered the declination of the price of housing by at least 5% after the introduce of the factories in the neighborhood.

Even though there may be one or two disadvantages of building a factory near the community, the advantages far outweighs them in two aspects. Firstly, the introducing of the factory near the community will help to benefit people by creating job opportunities. For example, last year a factory named Pingtian manufactory of auto-pipeline which was built in the Qibao communities has employed about 473 people, among which 166 live in the nearby communities. Furthermore, the establishment of factory could also cause the relevant supplying factories to build near the community, which would offer more job opportunities for the people living in the community.

Another advantage of building the factory near the community is that residents in the community will benefit from various aspects of conveniences brought about by the factory. For example, considering so many people have to start from various places in the city to work in the factory, the administration of transportation might have to boost its arrangement of transportation near your community, thus helping to make more convenient for the resident to go out. Since the construction of the factory is relevant with the construction of public facilities, such as electricity supply, water supply, and communication services......these changes will definitely improve the living conditions of the community and bring about conveniences.

Although I agree that there may be a couple of disadvantages of building a factory near a community, I feel that the benefits are more obvious. With the construction of the factory in the neighborhood, resident will benefit from various job opportunities it bring about. In addition, public facilities improved after the establishment of the factory will facilitate people's lives in the end. In my opinion, these are the two of the most important factors for the people to consider about when living in a community, and construction of the factory satisfies both of them.

undoerlcUID: 194641

大家要回拍的话请麻烦留下文章的连接哦~Dank ion

lyhcynthiaUID: 2178647

不错，　但是要注意不要过多重复句子，　特别是结尾的时候的确要覆盖全文的观点，但是要转换说法，总的来说搂住这个文章　结构很清晰，　不错。

undoerlcUID: 194641

谢谢版版光临~恩，我下一遍写的时候改一下，的确要改写一下的说~

夜一UID: 2130338

Companies which prefer to establishing a large factory near the communities must bear certain balance in their concerning.不是很明白这句话在这里的意义，因为不需要从company的立场来考虑问题，只要从自己的立场就好了 For the company which concern about both the interests of itself and of the community, I wholeheartedly welcome the establishment of its factory. There may be one or two disadvantages to this building agreement; however, I believe that there are far more advantages. The reasons for my perspectives go as follows.

First of all, some inferior disadvantages of allowing the factory to be built near the community include这两个词搭配用在这里不太通顺吧，不如在some之前加上there are，然后把include改成including the negative influence of the factory to the living environment. For example, as we all know, the factory may generate noise contamination with its machine working on; it also may cause the去掉 pollution to the environment which we live in; moreover, various reports which cover the explosion and the fire accidents of the factory really make us anxious about the safety of both of去掉 our lives and our wealth. Another drawback of building the factory in our neighborhood includes 为什么一定要用include呢？直接用is会好很多the possibility of declination of the price of our real estate. Statistics collected by Shanghai social science institution in 2003 showed that 43.2% of communities suffered the declination of the price of housing by at least 5% after the introduce of the factories in the neighborhood. 文章的主题是要支持建厂，在这段的末尾应该需要一句转折的话，否则会对文章的论点构成妨碍，把下面一段的第一句移到这里来就可以，不过这样的话，要加一点别的过渡在下一段的开头

Even though there may be one or two disadvantages of building a factory near the community, the advantages far outweighs them in two aspects. Firstly, the introducing 不太明白introducing在这里是什么意思，作为“介绍”的意思似乎是讲不通的，而且这里也不应该用动名词，而应该用名词of the factory near the community will help to benefit people by creating job opportunities. For example, last year a factory named Pingtian manufactory of auto-pipeline which was built in the Qibao communities has employed about 473 people, among which 166 live in the nearby communities. Furthermore, the establishment of factory could also cause the relevant supplying factories to build near the community, which would offer more job opportunities for the people living in the community.

Another advantage of building the factory near the community is that residents in the community will benefit from various aspects of conveniences brought about by the factory. For example, considering so many people have to start from various places in the city to work in the factory, the administration of transportation might have to boost its arrangement of transportation near your community, thus helping to make more convenient for the resident to go out. Since the construction of the factory is relevant with the construction of public facilities, such as electricity supply, water supply, and communication services......these changes will definitely improve the living conditions of the community and bring about conveniences.这一段的论述是有一定问题的，首先在举例中用might这个词就很有问题，这种非常投机性的不坚定的立场是不可以用来支持这样关键的一个分论点的，如果是不太重要的分论点另当别论，但如果这个分论点不能得到非常肯定的支持，而只是依靠一个might，是不可以支持整篇文章的；另外，最后一句话的论述只有罗列了一些相关的东西，在没有建立具体的关联的时候就得到definitely improve的结论，是不能使人信服的。对于第一点，必须要逻辑的论证为什么administration肯定要建设那些东西，而不是might，那么从他们的立场来考虑，就绝对不只是因为在那里工作的人多，很大程度上是要考虑区域经济的发展的，经济越发展他们就越能得到利益，一旦阻碍了最重要的经济的发展，他们就肯定会想办法解决问题，这样一来，就绝不仅仅是might；在这一基础上，用同样的思维来思考后面的那些设施，就可以得到类似的结论

Although I agree that there may be a couple of disadvantages of building a factory near a community, I feel that the benefits are more obvious. With the construction of the factory in the neighborhood, resident will benefit from various job opportunities it bring about. In addition, public facilities improved after the establishment of the factory will facilitate people's lives in the end. In my opinion, these are the two of the most important factors for the people to consider about when living in a community, and construction of the factory satisfies both of them.


大多是些一家之言，如果有的地方说得比较极端楼主请不要见怪。基本上我认为issue这种东西，观点没有对错之分，但决不能长他人志气灭自己威风。虽然一个东西又长有短，但要强调长处的时候，就一定要说明短处是可以克服的，长处是绝对成立的。在论述短处的时候一定要有转折，论述长处的时候一定要有确实的逻辑不能轻易被推翻，更加不可以只用might这种程度的词，就算用不到must，至少也要论证到almost。

undoerlcUID: 194641

呵呵谢谢谢谢，有理有理，有时候也是比较矛盾的说，在议论文，辩论，ISSUE,ARGUMENT,TWE之间游走比较难过的说，所以写着写着都会把握不住

watermoongirlUID: 2129101

Good!But please pay attention to the time.

dhfpsyUID: 2167022

5.A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USA/V4i%k^+B zU
留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USA R+B2^#u#W
My
赞成"e i+^ ~ y ^5b
1.让步写可能造成污染和房价下跌
2.支持：bring about job opportunities留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USA p l H9~ h Q
3.支持：boosting the construction of public facilities near the communitybbs.gter.net m ~6B.\0X y Y u r/r a r
寄托家园q-R \ ` d n!O
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Companies which prefer to establishing a large factory near the communities (community) must bear certain balance in their concerning (concern). For the company which concern (concerns) about both the interests of itself and of the community, I wholeheartedly welcome the establishment of its factory. There may be one or two disadvantages to this building agreement; however, I believe that there are far more advantages. The reasons for my perspectives go as follows.:d
C"Y0n r k(（第一段很好，立场明确，注意语法问题；另句子都够长哈，适当写些短句子在里面也好！）
First of all, some inferior disadvantages of allowing the factory to be built near the community include the negative influence of the factory to the living environment. For example, as we all know, the factory may generate noise contamination with its machine working on; it also may cause the pollution to the environment which we live in　（这个pollution又与noise contamination有何不同吗？举例子具体比抽象好）　; moreover, various reports which cover the explosion and the fire accidents of the factory really make us anxious about the safety of both of our lives and our wealth. Another drawback of building the factory in our neighborhood includes the possibility of　（another drawback … includes the possibility of… 另一个缺点是。。。包括什么？）declination of the price of our real estate. Statistics collected by Shanghai social science institution in 2003 showed that 43.2% of communities suffered the declination of the price of housing by at least 5% after the introduce of the factories in the neighborhood（这一点没明白哈，为什么建工厂会使地产价格下降呢？另：即使下降，对居民有是有害的吗？建工厂与地产价格下降利弊相比如何？）

Even though there may be one or two disadvantages of building a factory near the community, the advantages far outweighs them in two aspects. Firstly, the introducing of the factory near the community will help to benefit people by creating job opportunities. For example, last year a factory named Pingtian manufactory of auto-pipeline which was built in the Qibao communities has employed about 473 people, among which 166 live in the nearby communities. Furthermore, the establishment of factory could also cause the relevant supplying factories to build near the community, which would offer more job opportunities for the people living in the community 　（整段都写得很好！有个疑问（写argument写得习惯了就自然想到的，若觉得问得愚笨，就不用在意哈）：举例其他工厂的建立有利于居民就业，那么那个地区的情况会适合于本地区吗？附：这样举例是不是在TWE中很常见啊？呵，若常见，也权当我没问哈）

Another advantage of building the factory near the community　（这句话在版主给过的建议里提过了，少重复，有凑字嫌疑；即使不说near the community，ETS reader也知道你要说什么的，呵，举个argument中常见的重复the arguer recommends … in the argument，即使不说in the argument，也知道arguer肯定是在那里面提出来的，也就是说1大家都知道的就不用总重复了2上面几段出现过的话不用总重复了，即使换个说法也好） is that residents in the community will benefit from various aspects of conveniences brought about by the factory. For example （for instance, to illustrate this point…）, considering (that) so many people have to start from various places in the city to work in the factory, the administration of transportation might have to boost its arrangement of transportation near your community, thus helping to make more convenient for the resident to go out. Since the construction of the factory is relevant with the construction of public facilities, such as electricity supply, water supply, and communication services......these changes will definitely improve the living conditions of the community and bring about conveniences. ~ v B-T l

Although I agree that there may be a couple of disadvantages of building a factory near a community, I feel that the benefits are more obvious. With the construction of the factory in the neighborhood, resident will benefit from various job opportunities it bring about. In addition, public facilities improved after the establishment of the factory will facilitate people's lives in the end. (觉得到这里就可以收尾了，即建厂有用。后面的再来补述这两个优点也没什么作用) In my opinion, these are the two of the most important factors for the people to consider about when living in a community, and construction of the factory satisfies both of them.

呵，差不多可以得满分了，汗颜啊，争取努力赶上你！

我的第一篇也帮看一下吧，狠拍！并加以T写作指导哈！

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1

nostrumUID: 2124189

Companies（这个主语我觉得不太合适，首先，题目说的是一个company，这里成了好几个了， 其次，我感觉有点不是自己的观点了，是以公司为立场的说） which prefer to establishing a large factory near the communities must bear certain balance in their concerning. For the company which concern about both the interests of itself and of the community, I wholeheartedly welcome the establishment of its factory. There may be one or two disadvantages to this building agreement; however, I believe that there are far more advantages. The reasons for my perspectives go as follows.(最后这一句我觉得不用加，显得文章简练)
First of all, some inferior disadvantages of allowing the factory to be built near the community include the negative influence of the factory to the living environment. For example, as we all know, the factory may generate noise contamination with its machine working on; it also may cause the pollution to the environment which we live in; moreover, various reports which cover the explosion and the fire accidents of the factory really make us anxious about the safety of both of（没有of） our lives and our wealth. Another drawback of building the factory in our neighborhood includes the possibility of declination of the price of our real estate. Statistics collected by Shanghai social science institution in 2003 showed that 43.2% of communities suffered the declination of the price of housing by at least 5% after the introduce of the factories in the neighborhood. （这一段把缺点论述的太充分了点，放最后好了，不然第一印象太深刻了，hoho，或者要给出解决办法也好）bbs.gter.net:?D E p } P2[
Even though there may be one or two disadvantages of building a factory near the community, the advantages far outweighs them in two aspects. Firstly, the introducing of the factory near the community will help to benefit people by creating job opportunities. For example, last year a factory named Pingtian manufactory of auto-pipeline which was built in the Qibao communities has employed about 473 people, among which 166 live in the nearby communities. Furthermore, the establishment of factory could also cause the relevant supplying factories to build near the community, which would offer more job opportunities for the people living in the community.

Another advantage of building the factory near the community is that residents in the community will benefit from various aspects of conveniences brought about by the factory. For example, considering so many people have to start from various places in the city to work in the factory, the administration of transportation might have to boost its arrangement of transportation near your community, thus helping to make more convenient for the resident to go out. Since the construction of the factory is relevant with the construction of public facilities, such as electricity supply, water supply, and communication services......these changes will definitely improve the living conditions of the community and bring about conveniences. K
S+U \ E(J
留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USA;] G9N&}'@ G R g:C R
Although I agree that there may be a couple of disadvantages of building a factory near a community, I feel that the benefits are more obvious. With the construction of the factory in the neighborhood, resident will benefit from various job opportunities it bring about. In addition, public facilities improved after the establishment of the factory will facilitate people's lives in the end. In my opinion, these are the two of the most important factors for the people to consider about when living in a community, and construction of the factory satisfies both of them.

楼主的文章写得很好，赞赞赞~~~但是我觉得时间开始要抓紧的，我今天写了觉得30分钟真的好紧，早进入限时比较好

undoerlcUID: 194641

太感谢大家来拍了,都很有道理啊,上午先看书了,吃过中饭回来必回拍^^

夜一UID: 2130338

其实我也是第一次拍TWE，比较不会把握，很大程度上也受AW的影响，包括在拍的过程中把essay都写成issue了。。刚刚才发现。。。
有什么地方说得不对请楼主多多包涵了

xizzhuUID: 2195156

原帖由 夜一 于 2006-4-12 10:55 发表
其实我也是第一次拍TWE，比较不会把握，很大程度上也受AW的影响，包括在拍的过程中把essay都写成issue了。。刚刚才发现。。。
有什么地方说得不对请楼主多多包涵了

in my view, the best TOEFL Essay is exactly ISSUE.  the difference is that the Topic of T is kind of "narrowed down topic of ISSUE".   

however, so difficult to revise or edit other's papers.   but, of course, i can learn a lot from your opinions or discussions.

[ 本帖最后由 xizzhu 于 2006-4-12 11:44 编辑 ]

undoerlcUID: 194641

TO xizzhu,同意，是很难改的啊，所以语句上的问题还是通过自己的修改，重写不断重复来完成...
呵呵，ISSUE的要求高很多了，用它的标准来写TWE肯定没问题的说，但是TWE对于行文逻辑要求很低，ISSUE是怎么逻辑能深入怎么写，TWE是怎么好写怎么写
TO 夜一, 呵呵，没关系的，关键是提高行文么，我也时常提醒自己基于别人的逻辑的语句来思考者改，只改正错误和语句，不太修改逻辑
TO dhfpsy，谢谢，回拍了
TO others，是啊，觉得限时重要的说...我写只前也是按照考场感觉来限时的，但是超时了也没管就继续下去了，这是以前练ISSUE时的方法，平均每篇文章写改写改，一直到能准时写完为止

呵呵，综合大家的建议进行第2遍重写去了，欢迎继续拍偶啊~

undoerlcUID: 194641

重写了第2遍,请大家帮忙拍, Merci~
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1