同题写作——第一期。谢谢帮助。

cannylee0621UID: 2177843

5. A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.
  
Recently, an ardent debate that whether a factory should be set up or not in my community has been brought into focus for the simple reason that the construction would have both positive and negative effects. From my perspective, however, the risks of having a factory are outweighed by the benefits it can offer us. These reasons below are why I support this plan.

As far as I am concerned, the best thing that establishment could boost the development of our town’s economy by paying a great number of taxes with which the local government may construct more welfare systems and fundamental constructions, and by stimulating the progress of interrelated industries.

What is more, another benefit the factory can bring us is creating more opportunities for employments which is just what we need in such a high competitive society that, not mention those people who lost their job, even those graduated students can hardly find a job. The vacancies of jobs which the factory provides not only give them more chance to be employed, but also improve the quality of their life.

In addition to steady employments and economy development, great change in transportation would occur after the construction of the factory. The needs of support of transporting is indispensable in such a large-scale factory that virtually they must focus on the improvement of traffic at the same time that we can also benefit from it.           

Of course, I have to admit that setting up a new factory may cause some problems. Hardly can a factory be established without contaminating the living environment of our community’s inhabitants to some degree, moreover, it may create extra noise and traffic problems. Weigh both the advantages and disadvantages, however, I strongly hold the opinion that with the well management and supervision, building this factory will benefit us and our community.
第一次写 不好意思了
希望牛人帮忙看看！感激不尽。

lyhcynthiaUID: 2178647

我觉得建设工厂的不好的地方可以多写一点，这个题目可以发挥得更好，你阐述原因的段落最好和结尾区分开来。不过你写得很不错.... cong!

watermoongirlUID: 2129101

是否考虑一下将优点进行适当归纳呢,我觉得优点部分分成三段,有点多.而且disadvantage部分最好与自己的观点态度分开来讲.总之,这仅是一家之言.感谢你让我分享你的佳作.

[ 本帖最后由 watermoongirl 于 2006-4-11 22:52 编辑 ]

夜一UID: 2130338

嗯，楼主的措辞比较客观，非常值得人学习
也就是最后那一段比较仓促了，是因为楼主在限时写的缘故么？要是能单独有个总结段的话就比较完美了。

xiaoce1984UID: 2176488

谢谢分享 我水平一般 要多多学习别人的长处 真羡慕楼主能把这么多单词都能用上 我只是认识 不会用
有一个问题：最后一句的weigh 是否要改成weighing ？
Weigh both the advantages and disadvantages, however, I strongly hold the opinion that with the well management and supervision, building this factory will benefit us and our community.

mnigjUID: 2190272

第2段，the best thing isthat the establishment could boost。个人看法，不知道是不是由于句子太长，没有看清楚。个人觉得没有必要用太长的句子，因为我们的思维跟老外不一样，写出来的长句子老外不一定一眼就能看懂。

cannylee0621UID: 2177843

谢谢大家
请留出自己的连接 我们好互评阿

逆风飞羊UID: 182440

确实写的很不错呢,GXGX.
夸奖的就不多说了，谈谈我认为可以提高的地方吧
首先,B1段应该多写一些.作为正文的第一个段落应该着重写。举个例子是个好选择.
另外你B3的steady employments,有这个用法吗?
还有就像楼上几个说的,结尾段单独出来就好了,说disadvantage的一段,多写一点对环境问题的解决办法,就可以显得其实这个问题并不是很难解决的啦
最后就是,你可以在字数上扩充,307个字,可以多些哦

cannylee0621UID: 2177843

恩 理解理解
谢谢大家
一定改正

nostrumUID: 2124189

canny，偶昨天打你的作文帖子没打开，网实在太慢了，hoho
现在正在学习你的文章中~~~

michel_shaoUID: 204704

LZ有的句子好象写的太长了,比如:
What is more, another benefit the factory can bring us is creating more opportunities for employments which is just what we need in such a high competitive society that, not mention those people who lost their job, even those graduated students can hardly find a job
我以前问过一个英语老师,他说其实没有必要用很长的从句.

[ 本帖最后由 michel_shao 于 2006-4-13 16:45 编辑 ]

mf1984`UID: 2174556

楼主用词用的好强啊，pfpf

nostrumUID: 2124189

Recently, an ardent（感觉这个词是用来形容人的） debate that whether a factory should be set up or not in my community has been brought into focus for the simple reason that the construction would have both positive and negative effects. From my perspective, however, the risks of having a factory are outweighed by the benefits it can offer us. These reasons below are why I support this plan.(最后这一句没必要啦，我的原则是简洁至上)6(x T W!U(y C @ s&J C（

As far as I am concerned, the best thing （is）that establishment could boost the development of our town’s economy by paying a great number of taxes with which the local government may construct more welfare systems and fundamental constructions, and by stimulating the progress of interrelated industries.留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国
,申What is more, another benefit the factory can bring us is creating more opportunities for employments which is just what we need in such a high competitive society that, not mention（not  to mention） those people who lost their job, even those graduated students can hardly find a job.（jobs） The vacancies of jobs which the factory provides not only give them more chance to be employed, but also improve the quality of their life.（hoho这个句子好，赞一个）留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USA9[ T;o"z8wJ6}*z
In addition to steady employments and （还是只写steady economy development比较保险）economy development, great change（changes） in transportation would occur after the construction of the factory. The needs of support of transporting is indispensable in such a large-scale factory that virtually they must focus on the improvement of traffic at the same time that we can also benefit from it.           4`3} k Z _M"zg l$K
|留学|签证|TOEFL|GRE:u#O l4R,W
Of course, I have to admit that setting up a new factory may cause some problems. Hardly can a factory be established without contaminating the living environment of our community’s inhabitants to some degree, moreover, it may create extra noise and traffic problems. Weigh both the advantages and disadvantages, however, I strongly hold the opinion that with the well management and supervision, building this factory will benefit us and our community.

结尾段分开来写，结构才更显清晰
写得很好很好哈，赞~~~请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USA¬K*{3E?9k [        R/k w

E8c:C \3k
Q0c(v        _

lanccyUID: 2156906

郁闷了，改好了要发居然说我灌水结果全被删掉了……哭啊，只能等下次有空再帮你改了。主要问题是长难句太多，结果语法错误也较多。楼主在自己找找错吧。

还有，有空再仔细帮我看看我的吧，你的夸奖我承受不起。主要帮我看看文章结构，好吗？谢啦
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... e%3D4#pid1768436735
还有几篇https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=443333

xizzhuUID: 2195156

5. A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.

Recently, an ardent debate that whether a factory should be set up or not in my community has been brought into focus for the simple reason that the construction would have both positive and negative effects. From my perspective, however, the risks of having a factory are outweighed by the benefits it can offer us. (用陈述句更有力) These reasons below are why I support this plan.

As far as I am concerned, the best thing that establishment could boost the development of our town’s economy by paying a great number of taxes with which the local government may construct more welfare systems and fundamental constructions, and by stimulating the progress of interrelated industries. (太长了, 没人爱读这个, this is one sentence paragraph.  not enough support, because what you said is that "better economy" is form "more tax") but what if they spend more than they got?

What is more, another benefit the factory can bring us is creating more opportunities for employments which is just what we need in such a high competitive society that, (take a look your sentence,  benefit is creating opportunities.. 得整个重写这句) not mention those people who lost their job, even those graduated students can hardly find a job. The vacancies of jobs which the factory provides not only give them more chance to be employed, but also improve the quality of their life.  (this is your opinion or the fact?).

In addition to steady employments and economy development, great change in transportation would occur( require) after the construction of the factory. The needs of support of transporting is indispensable in such a large-scale factory that virtually they must focus on the improvement of traffic at the same time that we can also benefit from it.           

Of course, I have to admit that setting up a new factory may cause some problems. Hardly can a factory be established without contaminating the living environment of our community’s inhabitants to some degree, moreover, it may create extra noise and traffic problems. Weigh(?) both the advantages and disadvantages, however, I strongly hold the opinion that with the well management and supervision, building this factory will benefit us and our community.

[ 本帖最后由 xizzhu 于 2006-4-14 11:29 编辑 ]