我的同主题169。。。请大家多多帮忙。。。留下连接我们互改吧

DidoyUID: 2181213

169
Many scientists used to put: “Music plays a significant role in people’s life.” As far as I am concerned, the importance of music appear in many aspects, such as music can help free nerves of tension, create the atmosphere and make people positive and healthy.

The first respect is music make people relax. As we all know, athletes listened to light music before the competition; students enjoyed their favorite music before they go into examination rooms; psychologists use music to relax patients before the treatments. Music is widely used in every field to free people’s nerves of tension. That is why music is important to many people.

Furthermore, music can create the atmosphere. For example, music can create fun for parties. If people observe carefully, they will find the utilization of regulating atmosphere of music everywhere. In supermarkets, music are used to create happy atmosphere to encourage shoppers buy more; in restaurants, music are used to create a romantic atmosphere to let lovers enjoy themselves; in stadiums, music are used to create tense atmosphere to make crowd more and more excited. As we can see, music is vital in these situations and never will the desired effect be achieved, if music is abandoned. These utilizations fully explain the importance of music.

Finally, listening to music has lots of other advantages, including make people positive, happy and healthy. That is why people will not feel strange when they hear an old man keeping the habit of enjoying music was long-lived.

To sum up, music is crucial to many people because it can make people relax, positive, happy and healthy and help create certain atmosphere for many situations.

275words

[ 本帖最后由 Didoy 于 2006-5-5 17:08 编辑 ]

夜一UID: 2130338

athletes listened light music          listen to
Finally, listening music        listen to
楼主要注意减少这种失误，划不来的亚

junjielovedanUID: 2211041

小弟一点拙见哈。、
文章条理不错，思路比较清晰。

有几个地方 。1。free nerves of tension读起有点别扭喃，不知道是我才书学浅还是怎么的，我觉得 用lessen the tensions 要好一点点，呵呵，说的不好哈。
2 第3段几个连续的be used to显得有点重复，能换个说话就比较好了，


欢迎来拍我的啊。
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DidoyUID: 2181213

原帖由 夜一 于 2006-5-5 16:42 发表
athletes listened light music          listen to
Finally, listening music        listen to
楼主要注意减少这种失误，划不来的亚

哦！天哪。。。我竟然范这种错误。。。。。要命了
记得记得，下次一定疯狂印在脑子里。。。。感谢感谢。。。

DidoyUID: 2181213

原帖由 junjielovedan 于 2006-5-5 16:57 发表
小弟一点拙见哈。、
文章条理不错，思路比较清晰。

有几个地方 。1。free nerves of tension读起有点别扭喃，不知道是我才书学浅还是怎么的，我觉得 用lessen the tensions 要好一点点，呵呵，说的不好哈。
...

实话说，我觉得不仅仅是这里，整个文章里用be used 的地方实在太多了。。。可是除了第二段用的主动外，写的时候想不出其他用法了。。。我也是想用例子做排比，自己也觉得累赘
大家提提意见看？。。。有没有可以简洁一点的写法呢？

DidoyUID: 2181213

原帖由 junjielovedan 于 2006-5-5 16:57 发表
小弟一点拙见哈。、
文章条理不错，思路比较清晰。

有几个地方 。1。free nerves of tension读起有点别扭喃，不知道是我才书学浅还是怎么的，我觉得 用lessen the tensions 要好一点点，呵呵，说的不好哈。
...

free nerves of tension，我是想表达放松紧张的神经的意思，因为以前看到这样的用法free the body of tension，所以我像神经应该也可以这么用吧。。。不过你说到lessen the tensions，我倒是想到为什么我一定要把“神经”翻出来呢？。。。直接紧张不就好了。。。啊啊。。小妹愚钝。。。感谢感谢！

susan8940UID: 160449

感谢楼主拍我作文啊！！handshake
把你文章复制了改好明天贴上来

在文档里

[ 本帖最后由 susan8940 于 2006-5-5 20:45 编辑 ]

归来的虎子UID: 181060

such as 后面可以跟从句吗？

listened ->listen to  后面为什么要用过去时呢？

happy -> pleasant

enjoying music was long-lived.->加that

楼主看看我的
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1

DidoyUID: 2181213

原帖由 susan8940 于 2006-5-5 18:35 发表
感谢楼主拍我作文啊！！handshake
把你文章复制了改好明天贴上来

在文档里

非常感谢susan那么认真的改我的文章
Many scientists used to put:这种用法是可以的，put有“说”的意思
such as后面确实不能跟从句。。。啊啊。。。这篇文章的低级错误太多了。。。都糊涂了
the importance of music appear in many aspects,这里，我写的时候也觉得appear不太好，但是呢当时也没想出来就这么用了，查了字典，可以用present。但是仍然觉得有点绕，大家提提意见看，有没有更好的表达方式？
never will the desired effect be achieved, if music is abandoned.至于这一句，我是可以用的倒装，是听了夜一说了我好几次要把重要的东西放在前面，所以这一句才这样写的，不过经你一说，也确实听绕口的。。。我就是觉得without music,……这样的话重要的东西又在后面了。。。大家觉得呢？怎么样比较好？
希望多多帮助。。。谢谢